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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice on his family...

27 replies

Doingitaloneandproud · 14/05/2020 08:14

Hi everyone... So I find myself in a situation I don't know what to do in and was hoping for some advice if possible or if anyones had anything similar!

I've been with my BF since late last year now, and he's been single since the year previous - he had a long term relationship circa 10 years and 2 kids, no cheating, he realised they were only friends, she did not want the split. He sees the kids a few times a week, they stay over his, takes them to school etc so hands on dad

Problem is his family, they weren't happy with the split, his mum has categorically stated she will not welcome him being with another woman, the ex will be invited to all Christmas/birthdays/special occasions, and on trips to their country home. (For clarity, this has been confirmed by my dads friend, who is my BF's uncle type person, he said the family are quite nasty people and won't ever be nice to me)

So how do I proceed? I have spoken to my BF and said if he's happy with me as he says he is, I'm his future etc (his words) then he needs to make a point of showing it to them really, there's nothing of us on social media, aside from the ex tagging him in random stuff once a week he doesn't post since late last year. I know social media is not important but it's beginning to grate on me.

We text last night about it and he's doing his usual now of ignoring me to show he isn't happy. He's done it a few times and I've said each time I don't want to be with someone like that, my dad ignores my mum if annoyed and I think it's a childish way to behave.

Any advice please - I have no idea if I just carry on with him and just see if anything changes, and if it doesn't can a relationship work without his family liking / involving you?

OP posts:

category12 · 14/05/2020 08:20

I think that if he gives you the silent treatment anytime you raise your needs / concerns, then you have a bigger problem than his family.

Although I'd also be very wary of signing up to a life of ostracism and an acknowledged "nasty" extended family.

I reckon you can do better. You don't want a relationship with your dad.

BlueGreenYellowRed · 14/05/2020 08:21

Don't wait around for him to change. He already knows these things upset you so if he was going to do something about it he would have already.

You have two options: accept him for who he is, or leave.

Reallynowdear · 14/05/2020 08:25

He's ignoring you?

Why would you stay with a man who does that?

From what you have written, it doesn't look like his family have behaved badly at all, no matter what you have heard from other people, but he is showing you exactly how he act when things are not going his way.

Run woman for Gods sake, you deserve better.

Are your parents still together?

SomeBunny · 14/05/2020 08:33

You’ve only been with your boyfriend since late last year and it’s already been established that ignoring you when he isn’t happy about something is his ‘usual’. I wouldn’t be happy about that either.

Don’t wait for him to change. You’ll most likely be disappointed. If this isn’t the kind of relationship dynamic you want then I’d walk away now before you further invest in it.

Original poster

Doingitaloneandproud · 14/05/2020 08:33

Thank you for your replies, I know you are all right about the ignoring part, I've stressed how much it frustrates me and he continues to do it, his reasoning is he was pissed off, I've said though it's better surely to talk if you're annoyed rather than ignore someone

I guess I just worry, that I was single for years as I thought it better to just be me and my son, while his dad was coming and going, and I'm running out of time - late 30's, I also suffer from Anxiety so why would someone want a girlfriend with issues :(

My parents are, they've stayed together and at times are miserable but won't split

OP posts:

category12 · 14/05/2020 08:36

Everyone has issues. A guy like this will make your anxiety worse.

ravenmum · 14/05/2020 08:38

Have you actually met his mum, or is that all hearsay? Inviting the mother of their grandchildren to events sounds quite nice to me. You've only just turned up, so can't really expect to be put first.

What do you want your bf to do? Write social media posts? What do you mean when you say you are running out of time?

inmyshedsmoking2000 · 14/05/2020 08:39

Too much baggage. NEXT.

Reallynowdear · 14/05/2020 08:41

You are not running out of time but you are settling.

Don't let your son grow up watching anyone mistreat his Mum.

ALovelyBitOfSquirrel · 14/05/2020 08:45

he said the family are quite nasty people and won't ever be nice to me

We text last night about it and he's doing his usual now of ignoring me to show he isn't happy. He's done it a few times and I've said each time I don't want to be with someone like that

Run. Fast.

Original poster

Doingitaloneandproud · 14/05/2020 08:47

thank you all, I do get not to be put first, and it is nice for them to include her, but to make it clear I wouldn't ever be invited too isn't a good sign. I guess I feel like I'm getting older, most of my friends are in marriages now, the only one in the family single etc. I want my BF to acknowledge our relationship tbh

I heard it from his mum on the phone, and my BF didn't deny it, that and then coupled with his uncle saying its true, I do believe she is like this

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/05/2020 09:02

Don't settle for so very little please from a man who also comes across as emotionally abusive (all this silent treatment from him and other ignoring behaviours), it won't do your son any favours either. Put your own self first and give this man (along with his family who favour his ex) his marching orders. Do not invest any more of yourself in this at all, set yourself free from him. You are in your late 30s and are not running out of time here. I would also urge you to contact Anxiety UK www.anxietyuk.org.uk/ and get further support and help re your anxiety.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; what did yours teach you?. From what you have written here, you seem to have chosen a man to date who is just like your own dad.

ravenmum · 14/05/2020 09:11

I guess I feel like I'm getting older, most of my friends are in marriages now, the only one in the family single etc.
You've been in a relationship and have a child; you're not still waiting to start out. The reality these days is that we don't all just couple up for life. In another few years, many of the people you know who are in marriages now will be back out of them again! Your choice to stay single for your son's benefit was lovely - sure, you can look for another relationship now, but don't give up on your high standards to stick to an imagined timetable; stay picky. And of course don't just accept any old bf because you think being anxious makes you less valuable in some way.

Babdoc · 14/05/2020 09:14

I second everything Attila said, and I would add that you need to ditch your fear of “running out of time”. This is not the 1860’s - women do not have a sell by date, they are not “left on the shelf”. Focus on making a good life for yourself as an individual, rather than thinking you have to net a man in order to be complete.
I was widowed at 35, and brought my two babies up alone. I never remarried, am now retired, and have had a very full life. Plenty of women are happier on their own than in unhealthy relationships, or prefer to keep things light with casual dating.
And plenty marry later in life - some even in their 80’s in retirement homes!
You could benefit from counselling to unpick your issues about your father, and give you a less dependent attitude to relationships.
Good luck finding yourself, and a happier future!

hellsbellsmelons · 14/05/2020 09:20

Google 'stonewalling abuse' - it's a horrible thing and it's happened really early on in your relationship.
Don't settle - EVER!!!
Was your previous relationship abusive?
You need to raise your bar and don't let people push your boundaries.

aliceinsunderland27 · 14/05/2020 09:27

Well his mum sounds lovely...not!!

I wouldn't let this alone ruin your relationship or it's just playing into their hands. What worries me is his inability to communicate with you about it. It's perfectly reasonable for you to feel hurt and pissed off at his family's threats to never accept you without even knowing you. For you to have threats about his ex being at Christmas dinners and family holidays. That would make anyone feel terrible. In an ideal world he would be defending you against his family and laying down the law to them. Instead hes ignoring you whenever you raise it as an issue. That's a big red flag and probably a sign of things to come with regards to him dismissing your feelings.

Just wondering how he can possibly see a future when his family are being so vile. Imagine if you had kids with this man? Would they be shunned too?

Original poster

Doingitaloneandproud · 14/05/2020 09:43

Thank you all, you are right, I don't want a relationship like this, where someone ignores me until they feel like talking, and where they completely disregard my feelings in something. It's just not how I want my future, I want a relationship where someone talks things through and where If there is an issue with the family they defend me

This is what my reaction was, if we had kids, moved in together or even got married, what would happen then? It's a joke how he can't see it affecting anything and instead it's just 'not about me' that's the problem

I've been in 2 abusive relationships, the last ended with my ex cheating on me and walking out taking all my money with him, I've got counselling on Tuesday as I'm already under the psychology department and have been waiting for just over a year to get an appointment. Hopefully they can help

OP posts:

Antipodeancousin · 14/05/2020 10:37

I wouldn’t recommend that you continue with this relationship. It will be very detrimental to your mental health to feel so unwelcome around his family all the time. A decent man would put his foot down and make a stand if his parents were trying to exclude his girlfriend like that. It sounds like their hostility is only directed towards you though so he doesn’t feel like it effects him. This is concerning, as is silent treatment when you disagree with him.

ravenmum · 14/05/2020 10:49

If his mother is dismissing you without even knowing you, then she does sound very difficult and not the kind of family that anyone would normally want to join! And your bf hasn't said anything like "I know she's being unreasonable" or anything, so he thinks her behaviour is OK, or won't admit it isn't? That would put me off massively.

Doingit, whether you want to be with this guy (or any guy) is entirely in your hands. You don't have to beg him for anything.

Original poster

Doingitaloneandproud · 14/05/2020 13:39

Thank you both, I think you're right in that as it's aimed at me they're hostility doesn't affect him and he sees it as a problem for me rather than us, I don't want to be with someone like that, I want a relationship where you're a team, and if you love someone then you should defend them surely

I have deleted his number so I won't contact him, I don't know if he'll be in touch at some point but unless he completely changed his behaviour, and I don't think he will, there's no point. I can't be treated like that by him ignoring me or his families behaviour for the foreseeable future, I would just be so miserable. Funny thing is he says his family don't want him to be happy, and their opinion is irrelevant, and yet then won't call them out on it, he's basically saying it to try and placate me I think, I could be wrong but that's how it seems to me

Oh well, maybe if I just go back to focusing on me and my son, one day I'll get it right, thank you so much

OP posts:

DelphiniumBlue · 14/05/2020 13:50

Are you sure he was as separated as he says when you met? And that what his mother said was nearer the time of the separation than you think, she might have been worried about losing contact with her grandchildren, and upsetting their mother.
Maybe they think he'll get back with his ex, who knows? But why would you want to be with a man who split from his children for the reason he gives? Maybe he doesn't want you close to his family in case you find out what really happened? His family clearly think he was in the wrong.

aliceinsunderland27 · 14/05/2020 13:52

I think you've done the right thing op. Well done on being so decisive. You would be setting yourself up for a life of misery with in laws like that.
I suspect he'll be in touch as soon as he realises you've stopped bothering but I really think you need to stick to your guns and move on. Let him and his dreadful family fester in their bitterness while you move onto better things. X

ConkerGame · 14/05/2020 13:58

Well done OP, you’ve just done yourself a great kindness and believe me, your future self will thank you for it when you eventually end up with someone kind, with a welcoming family!

Focus on your own issues for now - get a hold of the anxiety problem and it will all fall into place eventually. You are NOT running out of time. Everyone moves at their own pace and lots of people who married in their 20s will be divorcing in their 40s anyway.

Sansastark45 · 14/05/2020 14:12

You deserve so much more than this! You've already got one child you don't want another one.
What grown man gives you the silent treatment! He needs to grow up.
Like another poster said - you don't want your son growing up thinking that thats how you treat women.
Well done on deleting his number! Concentrate on getting yourself better and realise that you deserve a decent man.

Menora · 14/05/2020 14:30

Well done OP I think this is a really sensible decision. He sounds awful!

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