Our relationship is at breaking point...

[Tinkerbellanne]

I really need some advice about my relationship. Me and my partner have been together for 7 years. We have 2 children. When our first child was born around 1 month old I found out he was messaging another woman wanting to meet up, she was a bit apprehensive on her messages but my partner really wanted to pick her up and take her out. I confronted him, we argued and I ended up forgiving him. Since then and over the years I have found flirty messages to other women and also I found out he had an account on a swingers website and the pictures and messages have haunted me ever since. He was messaging other people on that site laughing at how I had no idea, that he had sex with all different women off the website and that he was seeking men and women on the site. I was heart broken and absolutely mortified. The messages were over the period of 6 months and i feel like such a fool, this happened around 18 months ago, we separated for a short while and sure enough I gave it another try. Another incident that happened was that I found out he had been sending inappropriate pics of himself to people on snapchat because he accidentally sent one to my SISTER! So of course they don't talk anymore. I'm emotionally drained, depressed and feel I am not good enough. I cry all the time and the trust and intimacy in our relationship has gone. Sex is out the window as I have caught him watching porn on many occasions so I feel second best. We dont talk and all communication has been shattered. I put all the deposit down on our house which was a lot but we have a 50 50 share as tenants in common. Can someone give me advice about what I could do if we were to separate. I'm tired of not trusting him and I just dont know what to do...

Fucking hell
You should absolutely leave him. Are you married? Do you have equity in your house? Hopefully not much and you can easily buy him out

No we are not married. I have no idea. I dont know how I would go about things. I havnt had the house valuated since we moved in nearly 3 years ago

If you ask him to move out would he go?

He clearly has zero respect for you and regards fidelity as entirely a one-way deal.

I don't say this to be nasty, but for the sake of your own self-respect, stop letting him abuse your trust, over and over.

Blimey... he saw you coming a mile off OP. Im so sorry...he sounds like a total shit.

You need to get rid.
You are pretty stumped with the 50/50 TIC arrangement. If you have any savings, could you potentially offer him some money to "do 1"?
Will your wage cover a new mortgage so you could remortgage and take him off?

Oh OP. I really do feel for you. Raise the bar next time, right?

We had a bad argument once before, so i said you go or I do. He refused so I left and went to my dads for the night. He never messaged me at all. He was at work at 10 the next day, when it was time for him to leave for work he kept messaging asking me to come back and have the kids, obviously I did and once again silly old me sorted things out again. A couple of weeks ago he told me I'm not giving him what he needs like a kiss when he walks in through the door, or a hug or sex so I feel like I'm not trying but it's hard. He said aswell 2 weeks ago he doesnt mind one of us buying the other out but I feel like because I put a massive deposit down and I am with the kids 90% of the time it should be me who stays

Downwiththissortofthing I know. I just feel so stupid. I only have a couple of thousand save up not much else. I work as a supply teacher so not got a lot of income coming in but when I do work it's a nice wage. I look after the children a lot and he brings in the most wage

You definitely need to be the one to stay & I'm pretty sure any court would say the same op. There is a divorce/separation forum - maybe ask on that too - but you need to get him to go as it sounds like the relationship has broken down. Get evidence if you can and, if necessary, use it to secure what you want. How would his family feel about what he's doing? His employer?

Oh okay this is my first time posting on here so I want sure where to post so thanks. His family know hes no angel. I've never told them what has happened they just know we have had our issues. He goes to the gym nearly every day before lock down, he does off for weeks at a time with he army reserves and leaves me with the children but I dont see any of the money when hes paid. I told him I wanted some of the Nike sliders for my birthday in June and he does and buys a pair and wears them right in front of me. My self esteem is at an all time low, I feel ugly, not worthy of anyone and I've just completely lost myself

You might be able to remortgage to raise capital on your mortgage and use that cash to buy him out. If you LTV is less than 90% already. I dont know the value of your house, but your income needs to be 4.5times the outstanding mortgage for this to be viable.
Your best bet is to figure out how much the house has increased in value in 3 years (unlikely to be much and it may have even decreased if its new build) offer him that to go, then borrow the money from family to get him gone.
But back to the mortgage, work out if its financially viable to stay in the house on your own.

This man is taking you for an absolute ride. The fact youre free childcare for him and paid for the deposit on the house... you need to find some fight from somewhere. If you were married you would have protection in this situation...but i bet he didnt fancy marriage? Funny that!

Urgh this man has peed me off on your behalf!

*offer him HALF that money

Sorry.

He hasn't put anything towards a marriage fund, our son is nearly 6 and our daughter 4 and hes never put a penny in their account but I transfer a little bit each month. Thankyou for the advice. Looks like getting the house valued when all the lockdown is over

What is LTV sorry?

Loan To Value
Percentage of your mortgage loan in comparison to the value of your home, or, how much equity you have in the house, compared to the market value (at the time the mortgage was taken out).

Okay. So what would you say my first step is to sort something. Do I contact my bank or who? I'm at a loose end with all this

Try and work out roughly whether you could afford to buy him out

I'd speak to a solicitor

Jesus Christ you need to get rid ASAP. Speak to a solicitor re: your house. The fucking brass neck on him

Dig out your mortgage info if you dont know off the top of your head.
Check for the following;
LTV
Date your initial fixed term expires
How much you owe (sometimes you can log in online and see this figure, if youre not sure, you can sometimes get a rough figure from your credit report, although its often 1 or 2 months out if date).

Sit and work your figures out.
Do you think 4.5times your average annual salary will cover the remaining balance of your mortgage?
When does your initial fixed deal expire? (If you have one)

Then speak to the bank. Youll have to pass affordability checks again, as youll effectively be reapplying for the mortgage on your own.

If the bank says no, speak to an independant mortgage advisor so will advise you, off the top of their head probably, what your options are with other banks if yours is saying no.

Youll be fine. But no need to let on yet to that nasty man that youre planning, dont let him get ahead of you. Your cunning here will be empowering.

Also...get on to the child maintenance calculator and work out, using his salary, how much he will owe you for the children per month. As youll need to add this to your income for the bank.

Keep coming back for more help, we are here to support you. More will be along with even better advice, im sure.

Op please see a solicitor as soon as possible for accurate advice, you will feel so much stronger when you know where you stand legally.
Check out universal credits on line calculators to get some idea of what support you are entitled too, you maybe surprised.
Good luck, the only way is up after him.

You will eventually need a solicitor, as others are saying, but dont pay for 1 until youve figured out how you can move forward with the bank. All the solicitor will do is sort the deeds of the house out further down the line.

Tripletroubketime. Thankyou I really needed this advice and support. I worked out my roughly monthly wage of 400, with child benefit, working and child tax credits and I did a calculation earlier of child maintenance and believe me it is more than enough for me to get by with my two little ones each month. I was surprised just how much I was entitled to. It's just getting everything's started.

Just want to say “Stay strong” and keep asking for help. So many of us have been through this and know the steps to take. 💐

You will be just fine.
Just get started, youll feel 100x times better. You're worth 1000000x more than he will ever be, as a person. Youve been too forgiving and too kind and trusting.
You are kind. Trusting. Forgiving. Loving. What is he? Lying. Deceitful. Tight. Selfish. Etc etc.

Cuppaza I know he is bad news for me. I've done everything I can to make it work. I've never been unfaithful or anything to him after all this time. I find it hard to trust him now whether it's when he goes out to gym work, stag dos, the army reserves. I just dont know what he is doing or who he is with. When I go out theres nothing from him. He isnt worried I'm going to do the same, he sleeps quite soundly at night when im out with my friends which I find really odd after everything he has done to me that he isnt worried.

I have been though similar op and my solicitor saved my sanity, speak to your mortgage provider too.