Our relationship is at breaking point...

[Tinkerbellanne]

I really need some advice about my relationship. Me and my partner have been together for 7 years. We have 2 children. When our first child was born around 1 month old I found out he was messaging another woman wanting to meet up, she was a bit apprehensive on her messages but my partner really wanted to pick her up and take her out. I confronted him, we argued and I ended up forgiving him. Since then and over the years I have found flirty messages to other women and also I found out he had an account on a swingers website and the pictures and messages have haunted me ever since. He was messaging other people on that site laughing at how I had no idea, that he had sex with all different women off the website and that he was seeking men and women on the site. I was heart broken and absolutely mortified. The messages were over the period of 6 months and i feel like such a fool, this happened around 18 months ago, we separated for a short while and sure enough I gave it another try. Another incident that happened was that I found out he had been sending inappropriate pics of himself to people on snapchat because he accidentally sent one to my SISTER! So of course they don't talk anymore. I'm emotionally drained, depressed and feel I am not good enough. I cry all the time and the trust and intimacy in our relationship has gone. Sex is out the window as I have caught him watching porn on many occasions so I feel second best. We dont talk and all communication has been shattered. I put all the deposit down on our house which was a lot but we have a 50 50 share as tenants in common. Can someone give me advice about what I could do if we were to separate. I'm tired of not trusting him and I just dont know what to do...

Blimey.

He has absolutely zero respect for you, zero.

Fuck him off as soon as possible.

Our mortgage is with halifax. I will have to contact them and ask what to do

Gobbycop 😩 I know. I've always known. Just didnt want to believe the father of my kids could be so cruel

Hi Op,

As a man I am advising you to kick him out, forget about paying him off.
He sounds deplorable, cheating,swinging,who knows what he could have caught.
The guy doesn’t deserve you and you don’t deserve the headbands,shattered confidence.

Money can be made again, I practice in law and I can tell you to document everything,screenshots, bank receipts,text messages,covertly build up as much evidence as you need.
Get him out of the house once you have your file,do not leave the house.
Seek a protective order if he will not comply,seek family law advice as you can and you can rebuild from this but it’s absolutely an abusive relationship.

I bought my ex out of our house. I didn't pass the affordability check so my lender said that if I could pay the mortgage by myself out of my personal account for 6 months (or it might have only been 3) then they would put the mortgage in my sole name. He had to sign a transfer of equity and I gave him a lump sum privately (roughly a third of the equity) and took over the mortgage as it was. I offered him a third as I said a third should be for our children, who he has never bothered with and does not see now. It is not an automatic 50:50 split especially if you do a disproportionate amount of childcare.

Sunshinedu thank you for your advice. I have screen shots on my phone from 18 months ago of the whole swinging situation. I just cant bring myself to delete them. To share something even more personal with everyone which is hard to talk about most nights when he goes for a shower, let me word it like this, his hand is his best friend and I can hear porn from the bathroom. It breaks my heart and my heart starts pounding as I'm so angry because he thinks I'm downstairs with our children while he is doing that. I've confronted him before and he just says it isnt a big deal every man does it, but then he says I dont want sex with him, well no I dont when youv just sorted yourself out! Peanutbuttermouth this is interesting and could be another pathway I could take. Thank you

Don’t let him mug you off!

I’d agree that as you put down the deposit then you stay.

Do you feel you’re strong enough to wait till he goes to work and pack his stuff and take it to his mums? And change the locks?

I'm not allowed to change the locks am I? As its 50/50. I think he is meeting someone saturday night. I've just seen a message saying i will bring a takeaway i finish at 9 on Saturday so it will be interesting what time he tells me he will be back home saturday night. My mind is scrambled I feel do lost I dont know what to do

Speak to a solicitor. Chuck him out/change the locks.
Grass him up to his family
Do you have proof what hes done? If not get it and send it somewhere where he cant delete it.
Hes abused your trust so many times op, you sound so low. I'm sorry hes done this. You absolutely dont deserve any of it.
He would have to take you to court, you dont need to offer any of it.
Do you have any burly brothers or friends/anyone who can get him out?
Your priority, I think, is getting him out and staying out. Tell people and get support.
You could also try Womens Aid for advice.
Best of luck. You can do this.

I dont think you're supposed to change the locks but I know people who've done it, it works...
Please call a family solicitor first thing. Some good advice on here.
You'd be doing the kids a massive favour too. They don't need a 'man' like this in their lives.

I've been told to contact the bank first. But it's difficult with lock down I cant see or speak to anyone. People have been saying a solicitor is only needed to sign new deeds to the house. I have a little brother 19 but we dont talk much. I have all the proof on my phone and I have changed my pin do he cant get to it

I didn't change the locks, I just kept accidentally leaving my key on the inside, and using the back door to leave the house!

Oh okay. Thankyou for the advice van Gogh's dog

The longer this goes on, the worse for you and your children.

Need to get into your logical hat now, get some advice about leaving from websites like Women's Aid so you are organised and planned. Citizen's Advice. What benefits are available to you and explore the Child Support website. Can you afford to visit a solicitor? Are you working?

Can you confide in your dad ... does your dad have enough room for you to stay? Do you have a friend who you could rent from etc? Actually can he move out as you have children and he can carry on with his hideous behaviour. Can you afford to live there whilst finances sorted out? (Could a family member live with you whilst he is taking his stuff.)

Are there any GP counselling services you can access.

Good luck and thinking of you. He sounds like the most utter slimeball and should get himself one of those robot females seen on Good Morning Britain.

I know I need to get thing moving but I dont know where to start. At the moment I am working as a supply teacher earning £1000 a year then I am topped up with child benefit and child tax credits as I do all the child care. However my mum has said I can go and work for her for 16 hours a week. I could then claim for child benefit, childmaintance f £400 a month, a lot more child and working tax credits as well as my wage taking home about £1700 a month to live off. I would prefer to stay in the property as I put so much of my own money in it. I'm hoping the bank will accept my wage and benefits so I can run this house on my own. I feel I would be able to. Thankyou