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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

We're just friends but he's totally avoiding me!

27 replies

WonderWomanBra · 13/05/2020 01:00

Not going to go on too much...I'm just upset and confused!I've got a guy friend and we are only friends because I'm happily married and he's met my husband and family.At first we were not as close until few months ago my friend was going through a rough time and he opened up to me and became very comfortable with me because I was there for him,I thought we were close.(Hubby knew about this and was fine with it) However now it seems as though my friend is avoiding me completely.I have messaged him here and there to ask how he is feeling (health issues) but he never replies back or answers my calls.
I guess I just feel like maybe I was there when he needed me and now he could not give a shit! I have asked him if I've done something to upset him but no reply. He's just avoiding me! Hubby told me to ignore it but I feel used and confused to why my friend would do this.

OP posts:

Bouledeneige · 13/05/2020 01:08

Maybe he wanted more than friends and he's now worked out thats not going to happen so he's moved on?

Original poster

WonderWomanBra · 13/05/2020 01:18

But why just ignore me all together?! He's been through some tought times, the last one being few months ago,I care about him and me and hubby were always checking up on him to see if he was ok.I think he's blocked my calls too.I rang him earlier because I had heared he was not feeling too good. I found it rude and was just annoyed.

OP posts:

RedRec · 13/05/2020 01:18

He is doing it because he was romantically interested in you and then you introduced him to your husband.

heartyrebel · 13/05/2020 05:39

Can you ask someone else to check on him? He could be depressed and shutting out the world.

CircleofWillis · 13/05/2020 05:45

I agree with heartyrebel about getting someone else to check on him.

However I do think he has developed feelings for you and is going cold turkey.

Eschallonia · 13/05/2020 05:48

I doubt it’s anything to do with sex. People are often less than keen on continuing friendships with their ‘rescuers’ as they remind them of low patches in their lives.

Or it’s possible he’s depressed and/or ill again and doesn’t want to be in contact. Or, more cheerfully, that he’s in a new relationship, and has no time or energy for friendships, he’s so engrossed. Or simply that lockdown has made him turn in on himself.

fedupwithitallnow · 13/05/2020 06:51

Could he have met someone and she’s not comfortable with him being so close to you?

category12 · 13/05/2020 07:01

You need to stop trying to contact him. If he's gone so far as to block your calls, then it's clear he's not interested in hearing from you. So stop. Leave him alone.

You may never know why, which is upsetting but them's the breaks.

Dery · 13/05/2020 08:49

It could be that he has fallen for you and has gone cold turkey. It could be that you remind him of his difficult times. It’s not that you’ve done anything wrong but those things would make it painful for him to be around you. You have only acted kindly but you do sound very sorted in comparison with him at present and he might also feel a bit sore about that. I’ve been in his shoes on that one and I imagine many of us have. He might not want you and your DH to be “checking up on him to see if he’s okay” - implicitly there’s a bit of a power imbalance there and he might prefer a more equal relationship and to have people reaching out because they enjoy his company.

Give it time and if you have mutual friends and are worried about his MH, perhaps someone else can drop him a line.

CiarCel · 13/05/2020 09:49

If you've got to the point where you've repeatedly messaged him and asked if you've done anything wrong, talked to your husband about it but ignored his advice to just let it go, and are now on a forum asking about it... really, you need to be asking yourself why you are so bothered and attached. This is not a life long friend who has suddenly dropped you. This is someone who you weren't close to, who you 'looked after' during a few months of him going through a rough patch and now you feel upset that he 'could not give a shit'. Did you help him because he was in need and you were in the right place, at the right time, to give him that gift or did you expect something in return?

Original poster

WonderWomanBra · 13/05/2020 11:07

I've known him for years and he's always been the reserved guy, he doesn't talk to anyone about his problems until recently. He was so ill once and he didn't even tell his family about it until he passed out any thats how they found out about his health.This is why I was worried. I dont want anything back in return, I'm just baffled as to why he would suddenly go cold turkey on me when he felt comfortable with me.

OP posts:

chocolateorangeinhaler · 13/05/2020 11:17

I had a female friend ghost me years ago. We had up until that time been good friends,saw each other every few weeks, had boozy nights in and out together then she just vanished when we moved away and it wasn't so easy to meet up anymore. It was really confusing and a bit upsetting at the time as me and my partner wondered if we had done something wrong.
You have to just carry on and one day he might contact you again. Do not try to 'save' him, that's too much for one person to take on. He has to take his own responsibility for himself. You've done all you can. Move on, it's sad and I'm sounding very callous but it's life, you can't make him talk to you if he doesn't want to.

Eschallonia · 13/05/2020 11:17

Well, if he's reserved and that uncomfortable with his family knowing that he's been ill, it sounds as if he possible regrets being frank with you, and doesn't want to remember that someone else knows all about the situation. All you can do is respect that for now.

CiarCel · 13/05/2020 11:23

So he's always been the reserved guy, doesn't talk to anyone at all - not even his family when he's seriously ill - and after a period of finally opening up to someone he's retreated back into his cave... which really doesn't sound that surprising at all for someone who usually keeps his pain so private. It sounds like you have been a really good friend to him and this is about him, not you. You've made it clear that you are there if he needs you. That must've been really quite strange for him to find himself suddenly opening up to someone - maybe his lifelong feelings of discomfort have crept back in and taking over the temporary feelings of comfort he found over the past couple of months.

CiarCel · 13/05/2020 11:29

Btw I do understand why you would feel 'used' - you were kind and offered the counselling of a friend and it can hurt to then feel 'dropped' but really he needs the counselling of a professional and just a little friendly support from others.

Original poster

WonderWomanBra · 13/05/2020 13:17

I just found out he's been replying to everyone else's messages and calls...just not mine!So don't know what to think.Oh well!

OP posts:

whatwitchcraft · 13/05/2020 15:04

If he's not replying to your messages then you are just going to have to accept that you may never know. However, if you have mutual friends could you get someone to act as middle person and try to find out why he's stopped replying to you. Something along the lines of 'WonderWomanBra is concerned she's upset you. Is everything ok between the two of you?' You may or may not get an answer that way.

I've been in a similar situation twice with a male friend. First time was after he'd been single for a while and then he started dating but for some reason didn't feel comfortable sharing that info with me (even though I knew in-depth details about other aspects of his private life). The second time was after he had had a period of depression and I'd been a shoulder to cry on. He needed to spend time with people who didn''t know about the depression and saw him as a 'normal' person unburdened by mental health issues. Both times we eventually resumed our friendship but the periods where he cut me out were hard and our friendship has never quite been the same since it happened a second time.

CiarCel · 13/05/2020 16:31

It's not something you've done, it's something that's been triggered in him and he's not able to handle it because - to be frank - he's clearly got 'ishoos'. It could be that he's suddenly felt the 'closeness' he allowed in that he doesn't normally has made him feel unbearably vulnerable and very exposed and cross with himself for allowing that and so he's turning that deep-seated fear, pain and frustration on you, for example (she's being overbearing, clingy, like my mother... or even possibly... she let me feel a romantic connection was building but it wasn't or I think she's developed feelings for me..!) It's not you. You didn't do anything wrong - you were open and supportive when someone needed you and you could help. That's a nice way to be so don't feel 'used', feel good about the fact that you are a decent and loving person but also make sure you have healthy boundaries as the lack of care in deliberately ignoring your messages (not even giving you a brief but polite/pleasant distancing reply) whilst responding to other friends shows he's not as emotionally developed a person as you and don't let his needs divert your energy away from those who want to reciprocate your care and attention.

fuuuuuuck · 13/05/2020 16:35

Phone him and ask why he's not replying?

FlaskMaster · 13/05/2020 16:38

You've been ditched. Who knows why, happens all the time. He obviously doesn't think as much of the friendship as you do to say the least, and he's saying thanks but no thanks. Just move on, you don't need him and he doesn't want you anymore.

Original poster

WonderWomanBra · 13/05/2020 17:59

Ladies...thankyou...oh by the way I ordered him something to help him with his illness...electric heating pad for paim relief...should I post it too him or return it?

OP posts:

category12 · 13/05/2020 18:14

Return it - he doesn't want anything from you.

Sending gifts after he's cut you out is unlikely to be seen as kind, it could be seen as not letting it go, and heading into harassment.

You need to accept the message he's given through blocking and ignoring you, which is "I'm done with you".

litterbird · 13/05/2020 18:22

Don’t send him any gifts, he has made it plain and clear for now he does not want contact by his actions. Stay away and maybe in time he might contact you. He knows what he is doing but possibly can’t express to you verbally that he wants you to leave him be. So leave him be. Sad but necessary.

CiarCel · 13/05/2020 21:26

That's again really thoughtful of you to order him something but agree with the others - send it back... and use the refund to get yourself something you or you + supportive husband something you wouldn't normally as sounds like you deserve a treat!

Bouledeneige · 13/05/2020 23:15

It doesn't really matter his motivations - he doesn't want to be your friend anymore - sad as that is. Forget about him and get on with your life.

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