Flying monkeys

[thegreenlight]

Struggling with my mum still, please feel free to read previous threads. I thought I was in a much stronger place.

So, after a brief ‘woe is me’ set of messages late at night that I responded calmly and kindly but briefly to my mum sent a very long, very hurtful message about how awful and selfish I am. How my brothers resent me (they are my step brothers) I was not to call her with excuses (which, to be fair I totally would have done before sobbing and crying and begging for forgiveness)

I have maintained radio silence. I now have my dad acting as flying monkey demanding that I forget that my mum can be ‘difficult’. I simply say that she said some very unkind things and I need some time as I am hurt (under the guidance of DH - trust me every fibre of my being wanted to apologise and just make the situation go away but my husband reminded me doing what was easiest hasn’t worked for 30 years) he replied that I have blocked him like I’ve blocked my mum and that he hope I sit and think about what I’m doing. Please help, this is so hard and I’m doing so well but I just want the guilt to go away.

There is no sign of an apology or even any acknowledgment that I’ve been hurt. It’s like they pay no attention to anything I say! Am I doing the right thing? I really don’t want to go no contact and hope that me creating boundaries will actually lead to a better relationship in the long run but it goes against everything I’ve ever known!

I ping pong between feeling proud of myself that I’ve stood up to her and told her how I feel and feeling like a 7 year old girl who’s being disobedient.

Two books that have been transformative for me are:

1. Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. It is so comprehensive - I thought I knew it all - but her decades of work with adults abused in childhood had so many insights, practical and healing strategies. This book has helped me put my issues very firmly in the past.

1. Phillipa Perry’s book below - has helped me enormously with my present and future. This book is about how to do proper emotional parenting and if you didn’t have a good role model you will have some gaps. You don’t know what you don’t know. This has helped me see that being the opposite of a toxic parent isn’t often effective enough and can be counterproductive. This book helped me see where I was doing great, where I was a bit off kilter and some areas I hadn’t even considered because I didn’t know it was “a thing” - how could I? My DCs are teenagers and early twenties but I plan to have a long term RS with them - so always need to improve it and do the best I can.

www.amazon.co.uk/Book-Wish-Your-Parents-Children/dp/0241250994?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

@Gutterton - can you say a bit more about 'being the opposite of a toxic parent isn't often effective enough and can be counterproductive.'

I worry that I'm guilty of this. I was so determined to be there for my DC and not neglect them, ignore them or make them feel they had to perform to please me. I rarely show anger (maybe once every three years or so) partly because we weren't allowed to have any emotions other than cheerfulness because we had to play golden family on the outside. But partly because my dad raged at us for hours every day and I wanted my DC to grow up in a calm home. (DH is very calm and hates rows.) I know I hover around them, constantly asking if they need anything, if they are OK and am there as therapist 24/7 for my quite needy autistic son.

Now they are almost adults, I realise I haven't really let them cope with much discomfort physically or emotionally.

I'm really interested in what you meant by that comment. It stood out.

Meant to say 'please' btw.

So if you had an authoritarian parent you might end up too indulgent or an emotionally neglectful parent you might over compensate by being engulfing. Neither of these opposite stances are balanced, boundaried or healthy.

There are lots of examples in the book - lots was positive so I could say - yes I do that - what stuck out for me personally was that our DCs are not projects to be dealt with - but individuals to be felt with - if you can encourage them to know themselves, to express their feelings and be emotionally articulate, intelligent and independent then the rest falls into place.

Thank you @Gutterton. That makes sense.

*Don't rock the boat.

I've been thinking about this phrase a lot lately, about how unfair it is. Becausewearen't the ones rocking the boat. It's the crazy lady jumping up and down and running side to side. Not the one sitting in the corner quietly not giving a fuck.

At some point in her youth, Mum/MIL gave the boat a little nudge. And look how everyone jumped to steady the boat! So she does it again, and again. Soon her family is in the habit of swaying to counteract the crazy. She moves left, they move right, balance is restored (temporarily). Life goes on. People move on to boats of their own.

The boat-rocker can't survive in a boat by herself. She's never had to face the consequences of her rocking. She'll tip over. So she finds an enabler: someone so proud of his boat-steadying skills that he secretly (or not so secretly) lives for the rocking.

The boat-rocker escalates. The boat-steadier can't manage alone, but can't let the boat tip. After all, he's the best boat-steadier ever, and that can't be true if his boat capsizes, so therefore his boat can't capsize. How can they fix the situation?

Ballast!

And the next generation of boat-steadiers is born.

A born boat-steadier doesn't know what solid ground feels like. He's so used to the constant swaying that anything else feels wrong and he'll fall over. There's a good chance the boat-rocker never taught him to swim either. He'll jump at the slightest twitch like his life depends on it,because it did.

When you're in their boat, you're expected to help steady it. When you decline, the other boat-steadiers get resentful. Look at you, just sitting there while they do all the work! They don't see thatyouaren't the one making the boat rock. They might not even see the life rafts available for them to get out. All they know is that the boat can't be allowed to tip, and you're not helping.

Now you and your DH get a boat of your own. With him not there, the balance of the boat changes. The remaining boat-steadiers have to work even harder.

While a rocking boat is most concerning to those inside, it does cause ripples. The nearby boats start to worry. They're getting splashed! Somebody do something!

So the flying monkeys are dispatched. Can't you and DH see how much better it is for everyone (else) if you just get back on the boat and keep it steady? It would make their lives so much easier.

You know what would be easier? If they all just chucked the bitch overboard.

Thank you for letting me ramble. Thanks for the support, and advice, and humour. Thanks for just being here :)*

Stole this from another site, it's such a good analogy and explains why you get flying monkeys. Your mum will never be anything but the victim and your family will only see you not steadying the boat therefore, you're the one that's in the wrong. Until you bow down at mummy's feet and beg forgiveness, she's going to keep rocking the boat and instead of telling her she's wrong and deal with the tears, guilt, tantrums, manipulation etc it's much easier to deal with the decent, rational person that doesn't make their life miserable. Keep strong op, you can't change your family but you can change how you respond (or don't respond) to them. It takes time but eventually you can deprogramme all those buttons they installed in you

@singlemummanurse great analogy, thank you for sharing it