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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My son and my ex

48 replies

Longlist · 12/05/2020 13:48

Wasn't sure where to put this, though it is about relationships. Been divorced 8 years, our son is 14. Until he was 13 we had a 50/50 care arrangement, but from being 13 son spends more time with Dad - more like a 70/30 arrangement.

I've not seen son except on video calls since the start of lockdown. Ex will not allow it although no one is vulnerable and no particular risks. I work from home now and am on my own in the house. DS seems to be ok with this. Ex h indulges him, pays for new computer games and gadgets all the time, does not mind if he stays in bed till afternoon, on his phone in bed till the small hours, little school work gets done. If ds were with me we'd have more structure and schoolwork time. He knows this and that plays a part in him being happy staying with Dad.

Ex h has always wanted revenge for me divorcing him, still angry, very open about wanting to cut me out of son's life, still sends me abusive emails every week 8 years on from the divorce, so this situation is a dream for him. He did offer to let me visit them at his house last week if I wore a mask. I declined, as I do want to see ds but not in the company of my ex, so he's taken this as evidence that I'm not interested and is now saying I won't see ds until they go back to school - so maybe September. He also wants more maintenance money from me.

We did have a court order that set out the 50/50 arrangement but as ds is now 14 and seems happy enough with the situation, I don't think there's much point revisiting that.

Friends are horrified when I relate all this and say can't I "do something" but I don't think I can. All I can do is emphasise to ds that I do want to see him, and then get on with life as best I can. I've got friends and a decent job and interests, so I have an ok time, but still feel sad. Ex h is extremely manipulative and forceful and I can't compete with all that.

Can you think of a better way to respond? Sometimes I wonder if I'm being neglectful of ds but I don't see what I could do. I feel better writing all that down anyway, so thanks for reading.

OP posts:

pog100 · 12/05/2020 14:13

Do you have any direct contact with your son, without your ex listening in. I think I'm this situation his real needs and wants are paramount and depending what they are you should fight hard or not. The "won't allow it" is bullshit, you know the government expressly allows such transfer of children from the very beginning of lockdown, and of course you can insist on the continuance of the 50/50 arrangement until it is formally changed. The very idea that he wants CM from you in this situation is madness, but you know that. I'm sorry for you, it sounds like a sad situation but you do seem maybe too resigned to the bully's demands.

sunflowersandtulips50 · 12/05/2020 14:20

Sadly your DS will think you dont care as you refused to visit him.

Have you spoken to him on the phone about his reasoning for not coming home?

sunflowersandtulips50 · 12/05/2020 14:21

Go and get a solicitor and sort this out legally...

Original poster

Longlist · 12/05/2020 14:27

I agree, I do sound resigned to it. But as ds is 14 and wants to be there, I don't think me insisting on things will help much. We have video chats but I suspect ex is hovering nearby.

OP posts:

category12 · 12/05/2020 14:31

I think in your place, I'd go over and see your ds - I'd arrange for him to go for a walk with you, rather than go into the house.

Legally, your ds is, and has always been, allowed to move between households despite lockdown to keep to the care arrangements.

Original poster

Longlist · 12/05/2020 14:32

Solicitors cost money that I don't have. I spent thousands getting divorced and on the subsequent child residency case, and I don't want to go back to the financial and mental stress that it brought.

DS knows I would like him to come here. He says Dad says it's too risky. I think he's been sucked into the non stop computer games lifestyle. And he's 14 and a half - his views count.

I know I sound negative and defeated but i think maybe I just have to live with this for now.

OP posts:

Original poster

Longlist · 12/05/2020 14:35

yes category12, i think I'll suggest that. Small complication is although they are only 5 miles away, it's a different country with different rules at the moment. Dad will no doubt veto it but I can try.

OP posts:

Coffeeandbeans · 12/05/2020 14:36

You can now go for a walk with your son every day if you are England. Sort that out and do that. And sorry but you know your ex is wrong about your son not being allowed to travel between houses - that has always been allowed from day 1.

pog100 · 12/05/2020 14:38

He can't veto it. You really are too resigned. I know you can't afford courts again but you can afford to assert yourself! You don't have much to lose at the moment. If he goes any further it's going to be a clear case of parental alienation.

BumbleBeee69 · 12/05/2020 14:40

the Court Order is not being adhered too .. I'd start from there maybe OP.. there are very knowledgeable people on here.. someone will be along soon I'm sure

Redred2429 · 12/05/2020 14:41

He can't veto it when there is a custody agreement he is in breach of the court document I would advise him your going to speak to a lawyer as it's taking advantage of the current situation for his own gain the threat alone may make him agree

Original poster

Longlist · 12/05/2020 14:48

coffeeandbeans I'm in England but they're in Wales.
I know it should be allowed but Dad won't let him out of the house, and son is ok about that. That's my predicament really - he will be 15 in a few months, so I don't think I can force him.
We haven't kept to the court order for nearly 2 years as ds wanted to spend more time with Dad from being age 13 so I don't think there's much point revisiting it now.
I was just trying to find out if people think I'm dealing with this in the wrong way by doing nothing and accepting it.

OP posts:

Windyatthebeach · 12/05/2020 14:52

For a year at 14 my ds chose the path of least resistance.. Xbox and alcohol at exh's....
No boundaries.
He barely contacted me.
Roll on that year and ds went nc ..
With his df.
Moved here ft. Needed parenting were his words...

Original poster

Longlist · 12/05/2020 14:52

redred2429 our son is happy enough with the situation though and at age 14/15 I don't think courts would force this would they?

OP posts:

category12 · 12/05/2020 14:54

I don't think Wales' rules are/were different from England's about sharing care of children. Legally, you could/should have continued shared care - and you should be able to go for a walk with your son as part of his daily exercise.

Original poster

Longlist · 12/05/2020 14:55

windyatthebeach how did you feel in that year? Something like this could happen here in the future I suspect. For now I'm just getting on with life though do feel sad and even neglectful in that I'm not pursuing it via legal routes or anything. Because it feels like there's no point.

OP posts:

category12 · 12/05/2020 14:57

I think your ds would have a say in what happened, so I don't know that going to court would help you much - but it might be worth checking with a solicitor. If your ds isn't living with you at all, your ex would have a case for asking for money off you.

Original poster

Longlist · 12/05/2020 15:01

yes, the money is a different issue. He normally splits his time 70/30 so I do pay ex maintenance. It's only since lockdown that I've not seen him.

OP posts:

Windyatthebeach · 12/05/2020 15:07

Quite ill tbh. Ds was dabbling in weed and alcohol. All excused by exh. Even to the police he talked his way out of arrests.
Expelled from school permanently.. All a nightmare.
Ds now is 18 and in 3 weeks time a fully fledged soldier!!
I didn't over text, on his birthday, Xmas and happy new year. Never bought him anything. He needed to know his choice had penalties. Exh was buying him. I wasn't playing that game.
He has seen his df 3 times in nearly 4 years. Exh has never once contacted me.
Not even when younger ds went nc with him over 3 years ago...
Stay strong op.
Ime leaving ds to his decision paid dividends.

Original poster

Longlist · 12/05/2020 15:25

windy how hard that must have been, but you must be so proud of your ds now.
For my peace of mind I don't get drawn into ex h's bargaining and games with ds. That works quite a bit of the time but sometimes it hits me how wrong it all is, and what can I "do" - not a lot at the moment though.

OP posts:

Windyatthebeach · 12/05/2020 15:49

Ds is an absolute delight. We are extremely close. More than I ever dreamed our relationship would become.
Exh is a lonely old man now...

Sparkletastic · 12/05/2020 15:54

I think you are being a bit too passive. Tell your son how much you miss him and arrange to meet up or for him to come to you for the weekend.

Original poster

Longlist · 12/05/2020 15:58

sparkletastic his Dad won't let him come, says it's too risky, and placates him with computer games and pizza. He is quite happy to go along with that.

OP posts:

Playdoughcaterpillar · 12/05/2020 16:05

I also think you are being too docile. Your ex cannot tell him he can't leave the house. You have rights and the less you see him the more he will be influenced by his father. You must make physical contact even if that's at their house to start with. You need to be much more assertive. 14yo's don't know what they need.

Bingowingslikeashieldofsteel · 12/05/2020 16:27

Very similar situation here even down to the age! My ex is a very manipulative man and has had a string of unsuitable relationships that play out with my son vying for his attention and then being his 'rock' when they fall apart. Until the next one comes along and he's sidelined again. I can see why my son clings to his Dad so much - he's gone on to have other children with other women who he doesn't have contact with because of his current girlfriend so my son lives in fear of that happening to him. He knows I'm always here and I'm not going anywhere!

I do put my foot down strongly suggest he comes back to me at times - though I don't force the issue and always just make it clear that this is also his home and I love having him around. I also put boundaries in place however which is lacking at Dad's because he's too busy trying to be his best mate. I'm also the one who buys the clothes, equipment for sports, school trips, lunch money, pocket money etc.

I've got older kids too who have been through this - albeit to a lesser degree as they were older when we split. Like the PP they both recognise their Dad's behaviour now for what it is, don't get me wrong, they love him and have a relationship with him (of varying degrees) but can also see how manipulative he is.

I'd second the meeting up for a walk with him if at all possible and you can arrange it without it becoming a huge issue. I do tell my lad I love him and when I've missed having him around but I'm mindful of not trapping him in the middle of me and his dad. I don't want him to feel like he in some way has to choose but just want him to know that I (and home) are still here waiting when he wants to come back.

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