My son and my ex

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Wasn't sure where to put this, though it is about relationships. Been divorced 8 years, our son is 14. Until he was 13 we had a 50/50 care arrangement, but from being 13 son spends more time with Dad - more like a 70/30 arrangement.

I've not seen son except on video calls since the start of lockdown. Ex will not allow it although no one is vulnerable and no particular risks. I work from home now and am on my own in the house. DS seems to be ok with this. Ex h indulges him, pays for new computer games and gadgets all the time, does not mind if he stays in bed till afternoon, on his phone in bed till the small hours, little school work gets done. If ds were with me we'd have more structure and schoolwork time. He knows this and that plays a part in him being happy staying with Dad.

Ex h has always wanted revenge for me divorcing him, still angry, very open about wanting to cut me out of son's life, still sends me abusive emails every week 8 years on from the divorce, so this situation is a dream for him. He did offer to let me visit them at his house last week if I wore a mask. I declined, as I do want to see ds but not in the company of my ex, so he's taken this as evidence that I'm not interested and is now saying I won't see ds until they go back to school - so maybe September. He also wants more maintenance money from me.

We did have a court order that set out the 50/50 arrangement but as ds is now 14 and seems happy enough with the situation, I don't think there's much point revisiting that.

Friends are horrified when I relate all this and say can't I "do something" but I don't think I can. All I can do is emphasise to ds that I do want to see him, and then get on with life as best I can. I've got friends and a decent job and interests, so I have an ok time, but still feel sad. Ex h is extremely manipulative and forceful and I can't compete with all that.

Can you think of a better way to respond? Sometimes I wonder if I'm being neglectful of ds but I don't see what I could do. I feel better writing all that down anyway, so thanks for reading.

Bingowings yes, I try and put my feelings aside and think ds is content enough and hopefully knows he's welcome here any time. I don't want him to feel manipulated and have to choose. He's really overshadowed by his Dad though - if i suggest a walk, and dad says No, ds won't argue with that. Too much risk of all the treats being withdrawn.

I am sorry I don’t get why you did not go with a mask. Your son will feel you don’t care if you were offered and didn’t go. Go - when you get there suggest a walk like other posters have said.

Quite frankly, yes it would be better if you could visit without your ex listening in...but to turn down an opportunity to see your son is just weird to me. I’m sorry but it sounds to me like you are seeking reassurance from strangers that it’s ok to give up on being involved in your son’s life. I am really confused.

This is absolutely awful. There must be something you can do! If he’s not letting his 14 year old see the other parent that’s parental alienation. What about his school? Can you call the SENCO? This is like he’s been kidnapped. It’s abuse. He’s not doing schoolwork. Surely that has to be sorted and don’t give him any money! Tell your son the prime minister said it’s fine for him to come to you and you’ve got some new games you’d like to play with him. This is just awful. How can he get away with this! Go round there with the police or something for a welfare check. Find a solicitor who will do a free half hour consultation. Don’t just accept this!!

ittakes2 yes I can see it could look like that. I don't want to go in my ex's house and see ds under his surveillance - there's no need - I can bring him here - and ex is also quite abusive, regularly belittling me and insulting me in front of ds. So I'd rather not step foot in his house. I'll suggest a walk.

After several years of putting up with ex h trying to ruin my relationship with ds (I'm not exaggerating), you do get completely weary and resigned, and that's probably why I seem passive to outsiders. I'm just thinking aloud really. Thanks all for your input.

You don't need a solicitor, you need to apply to enforce the order (C79) where he will be told that he must adhere to the original order or indeed, give a bloody good reason why not. This man is using your child to bully you. Please don't let him.

MrsC if ds wants to continue staying with Dad, though, is there any point?

So you were told you could go round but with a mask but you refused?

TBH it does give off the message that you weren’t that interested in seeing your DS or in fact that seeing him had to be on your terms,just as is the case with his father.

At the end of the day all you can do then is to be there if your DS decides to get in touch. Keep the lines of communication open, keep texting him even if that’s all the communication you have.

You could apply to the courts to have the order enforced but TBH at almost fifteen there is very little you can do to make your DS come to you even if the courts say his father has to let him.

I don't want to enter the house of my ex who is still abusive and rude to me in front of ds. Suppose I may have to, if he won't come out for a walk with me.

You've got to keep trying. You've got to fight for your son.
Get legal advice over the original court order.

Yes there is a point to taking it further. Your child will then be told by the authorities that you have had to get help to see him because his dad is being illegal. It might not make any difference now but that message will be there, in the back of his mind. When he’s older and married and his wife asks him why he didn’t live with his mother then he might just remember that you had to fight to see him and whoever he speaks to will say “my god, that’s awful. Your poor mum” and then boom. At some point, the woman he is interested in will mean more to him than his father so do it now so you can face her one day and say “I fought for him” don’t bloody stop. Send letters and emails to him. Keep copies.

No you don’t have to go in his house. You have to get the court order enforced. You cannot do this alone. I suggest you contact a solicitor, contact the school SENCO, ring social services (CAMHS). You need professionals who can go see your son and talk to him. Look at the website gingerbread and rights for women

www.gingerbread.org.uk/

Ring the head of his school. You explain to them that his dad is refusing you court ordered access. You are concerned about school work not getting done. You beg for their help. The school has access to all of the professionals who can help you. They need to know the situation too. His exam results are being impacted if this continues. You need to be kicking up a stink every single day. You tell that arsehole that unless he returns your son, you’ll be contacting a) the school b) a solicitor c) your MP d) the police e) social services. You will be telling everybody that access is being denied. You are worried that your sons rights are being denied and abused. You are worried he is being neglected and his welfare not being considered. Start causing hell woman! What have you got to lose?

I agree with the above poster.
I know it's hard OP but when your son is older and you tell him you didn't see him because his father was abusive, he will ask but you left me with that abusive person? If he's so awful, why did you leave me with him and not fight?

You asked what is the point? Your DS wants to stay, what's the point.
Because he is a child and can't make that decision objectively, he will be manipulated and needs a parent.

Your XH needs to get a grip, it's 8 years ago ffs. Parenting doesn't stop at 18, it is a lifetime commitment so as others have said, show you care.

If he hasn't got a phone, send him one with a pay-as-you-go sim, top it up and phone it/text it. He will call on you later in life if you make the effort now.

I can say that, as my own dad did it when I was 15, and I'm 28 now asking his advice on how to build something in the garden

I hope ds knows I do want to see him. I remind him every few days.
When I said what's the point, I meant what's the point of starting stressful legal proceedings when ds will be 15 in a few months, and can't be forced to come to me if he doesn't want to. And it looks like he prefers it at Dad's for now. But parenting is a lifelong thing as poster above pointed out and I'm looking at the long game. Just writing this down has helped me untangle it a bit and think how I'm going to cope with it, so thanks for responding everyone.

Thjis is AWFUL. Your ex is being abusive to your son. He needs structure and discipline in his life at 14, he does not need to spend all day and night on computers and doing whatever he wants, his schoolwork will suffer horribly.
He won't choose to see you if he can get away with whatever he wants at his fathers house. Of course a 14 year old wants to do this all day.
My ex was similar I did get a court order as I counted this as abuse and the court agreed. My ex wasn't allowed to see DS until he was 18 as it was considered too disruptive to his life to be up all night and not doing any schoolwork or having any discipline at home.
But then I had legal aid in those days as the whole process cost thousands, I don't know what I would have done now.
I think I would self represent. Save all those emails. You could try ringing Cafcass and asking for their advice on how to proceed because this cannot be allowed to continue.

It's only happened during lockdown. School sends out pieces of work but they are very relaxed about when it has to be submitted and there's no logging in for registration so it makes it easy for schoolwork to be forgotten about.

It must be very difficult, but you're really coming across as passive and defeated. Your son will look back at this time and know that you refused to come and see him.
I do know a child in a very similar position, whose mother professes her love and says she wants to see him but does nothing about it, for similar reasons to you. I'm sorry that this will sound harsh, but it's impossible for him to believe her. Her actions speak volumes. (He's a year younger than your boy, and he said to me that his mum obviously hates his dad more than she loves her son.)

I know what you've said about your ex, but I would visit with the mask. Just once.

Because once you've seen your DS there is absolutely no reason whatsoever to not allow a walk. You've already mixed the households so your ex has no good reason.

It's important that even if your son won't defy his Dad's wishes that he knows that you've made every effort.

Go over, sit in the garden and talk mundane shit if you need too. Just keep that channel of contact and effort in full view of your DS so he knows that you're not any of the things your ex could be dripping into his ear.

I wouldn't bother going down the legal route either in your situation. At 15, the judge will take into account what your son wants and it sounds like he wants to be with his dad.

Show that you care, phone your son regularly and keep the door open. That's all you can do.