Does the thought of christmas and who to spend it with (famly members) stress you out?

[DrNortherner]

It does me.

Err no because we have been doing the same thing for 10 years so it is kind of written in stone what we do, which is see both families but alternate between which for dinner and tea. The idea of trying to change this set up does fill me with dread. Particularly wrt dealing with my Mum.

Thankfully we have established a nice little routine that we stay at home / go to my folks on Christmas day (they're just round the corner) and Ils visit after Christmas. Suits me down to the ground.

I'm starting to worry about it all a bit. Traditionally we have been on our own but now DD is here I am feeling more obliged to share it with family. In fact with MY family.
Dh really needs to talk to BIL as he has had their mum for the last few years , especially since FIL died, but I am wary that he will want us to take our share ( bit miffed at BIL as he hasn't yet seen DD - now 7 months old.. but thats another thread.)

I would like my parents to come to us and have an open house lunch/ tea on boxing day for MIL, BIL, SIL and thir dds can come over maybe after a walk

Every other year we have to go to DHs family, 6 hours of hell in holiday traffic with 3 dc in the back where at least one of them is sick, we sit around watching tv for the whole time in an overheated house while the ILs play with dc til they (the ILs that is) get bored and tell them to 'go away now that's enough'. That's when I have to pick up the peices, oh yes and i do all the necessary things like dressing, feeding, washing too. We then have to return, another 6 hours with 3 dc in the back where at least one is sick with more presents than can fit in the car, or house when we get home. When we get home the Dc then open presents from my family, (we have to leave these at home as no room in car to transport them). This can be up to over a week later when they are fed up of christmas and so full of presents its a bit of a bore to open more. Most of the other presents have since been discarded in a bag somewhere as there are too many to play with and anyway no room to unpack them. I then fight with the Dc to write thank you letters for presents they can hardly remember they got and I write on behalf of DH too as his family don't write them and I feel you should regardless of how grateful you actually feel.
Every other year we have a lovely christmas a t home and my parents come to us and fit in, help out and the dc enjoy being in their own home - still get too many presents from PIL, but its a bit more manageable at home where we can play withthem as we open them and put them away somewhere a bit at a time.
Last year I was 8.5 mnths PG so we didn't go to PIL and had xmas alone at home, they won't come to us. Has a lovely Xmas alone for first time ever and it was great. As they chose not to see us and we couldn't go to them its apparently their turn this year - not by my calculations!!- it's under discussion as far as I am concerned but DH is assuming that is what will happen.
Sorry that was long, in response to your question YES, YES and YES !!

Not in contact with my family anymore. I don't miss the agro, at all!

Right I have a real issue here, my inlaws want to spend it with us, I lve my MIL but hate my FIL what do I do, she does loads for us and I love spending time with her, but he drives me absolutely potty, he does not respect me or anyhting I do, cannot stand him, last year spent it with my dad but he is not available this year, help, help , help

Fireflyfairy - I always find it strangely reassuring when I hear of other families who are all a bit, erm, different - makes me feel not so alone

Yes - only we're not letting it happen.

MIL usually comes to us for CHristmas, but this year she won't as BIL and his family are going to be in the UK (they live in Canada). But she wants us (me, dh, 3 kids) to goto hers to have Christmas with them (her, BIL, wife, baby ds) and she wants us all to stay in her small 3 bed house. 5 adults, 4 kids, one bathroom, my temper totally strained. Mil has an awful habit of making a huge amount of how great BIL and his wife are and conversely puting me down all the time.

Dh just doesnt stand for it. She's a great MIL as long as the rest of the family arent around. So we're not going. They can come and see us if they want, but we are staying put. MIL is not best pleased, but too bad!

Oh, gawd, yes.
Pushing against on open door here.

No, I adore Christmas, because my parents moved 400 miles away from their families before we were born (I have a younger sister) I always felt that we missed out on big Christmases.

This year new DP and I have my 2 DDs and his DD as well, so it sould be fantastic. We are still deciding whether to have a MASSOOVE Christmas and invite parents and siblings as well (which would be 10 adults) but either way I think it will be magical. We are moving 60 miles away next weekend so it might be nice, alternatively, it might be hell as parents and siblings haven't met yet.... Akso I love lots of people around me, whereas DP is not great with lots of people.

Yay for Christmas though!

Actually wheresthevalium, so do I. But since the kids arrived it seems to be such a marathon of preparation. In fact I would love to be able to go to my parents house and let them do it all their way (which is usually me doing most of the cooking which I like anway) and take the hassle away. But sadly DH would have a face like a smacked bum all day so we probably won't Conversely we could go to MILs - 10+ people crammed in a small flat, MIL getting ratty in the kitchen because she finds it so stressful and she won't let anyone help without snapping at them, a cold overcooked dinner, kids being told to be quiet all the time, not allowed to watch TV because the adults are talking and no room to run around. At least we are past the stage of DH's neices 'delighting' us with their musical prowess on several instruments for hours .

God YES, prior to ds we used to go our seperate ways, now with ds thereis even MORE pressure - hoping to escape to Bilbao this year...

Yes multitasker.. we fit the different bok alright!

My sister with the eejit of a husband always has her elderly neighbour over so she & her husband have someone to talk to

Would love to go to my parents but have to invite MIL as she is a widow and BIL and his family NEVER spend Christmas with her. Don't like going to MILs because she lives in a tiny house now so there's not really enough room. So end up inviting MIL here (we are abroad) - which is actually quite nice, but would love to have Christmas with my parents (without MIL) once a while.

I have always hated enforced family get togethers at Christmas - when I was little we lived on a different continent from my parents' families so Christmas was just our family unit and stress free. It all changed when we moved back to the UK and had to spend Christmas with my Dad's family, the enforced jolliness and undercurrent of stress between the adults was unbearable.

As soon as I was old enough I moved away and refused to become involved in any more festive family dos. What's worse is that my parents are separated so it's always a battle about who goes where and why.

I now live abroad so no longer have the problem as most of my lot can't be bothered to travel, so I think why should I bother (with a small child to boot) when they won't. Also DP has his ds here so can't absent himself for long periods of time over the Christmas break, which also gives me a get out clause. I know, Bah! Humbug.

My MIL is the master of the 'of course, I don't want to come if you don't want me to (ask me! askme!!!!!) comment.

This is her other grandson's first Christmas. Its complicated by the fact that my BIL wife has family (mum, sister) living in N.Ireland just a few miles from MIL, while we live in Scotland. She wants "all her grandchildren" together this year and she's just not getting it. As if our nephew will even know - he'll be 9 months old! But she's just not reasonable!!

So like I said we're not going (dh is very much awre of his mums ridiculous ideas) and I'm very glad. But we are going to get a lot of greif about it.

We had xmas from hell last year due to it being ds's first & both families coming to ours (3 hrs drive for each so had to stay over too...for 3 nights!)
By 6pm xmas day & far too much el vino later MIL had locked self in bedroom claiming far too many things to go into here (most of which my fault - of course!) then was on bus (well, taxi in end as no buses) back home by 7am on boxing day!! Not good.
V difficult time & took ages to resolve.
So glad ds was young enough not to remember. Promised ourselves we'd never have anyone else other than just us. It's hard though as ds will be 18mths & full of xmas excitement which both set of parents will want to see & remember.....unlike last year's performance!!!

Isn't it crazy that we're all under such pressure to 'have a great time!' & get along with people who we may not get along with ordinarily when all we really want to do is spend it quietly, relaxing.
Am dreading telling everyone - any hints how to let them down gently........?

have to take this opportunity to unleash all my xmas stress. My MIL employs emotional blackmail EVERY year so that we have to spend it with her. Some time in the next few weeks it will start and I am dreading it. We have tried to say that we want a xmas alone (one in 12 years doesn't seem too much to ask) but then she accuses DH of not loving her, not wanting her, and saying his (DEAD) father would have been ashamed. Then she hangs up on him.

For the rest of the year she is a reasonably nice, rational human being. Why does xmas do this to people?

emfjh, I couldn't agree more about the enforced jolliness. We don't invite extended family (and I'm an only child). And we keep spending on presents to reasonable limits. But I still find the whole expectation of a wonderful time aspect utterly depressing.

Your MIL sounds just as stable as mine! How lucky are we??
Such a manipulating person that dh will no doubt magically forget disasterous xmas last year & invite her for this one too - can't wait!
Maybe I'll book flight to somewhere hot.....

Such high stress levels & high expectations that 'all will be ok this time round' & it's just for one day - silly really.

It is wonderfully simple for us. We spend Christmas at my parents.

On the way there we stop at FIL & Step-MIL for lunch or tea depending on the time of day. Normally arrive at my parents on Christmas eve (but may be earlier this year due to the weekend being 22/23). Boxing day we go to MIL's for the day, then back to my parents in the evening. Parents take ds & dd to the panto on the 27th. Then back home either 28th or 29th.

OK it is a lot of driving as 130m to my parents & a round trip from there of 60m to MIL's.

But at my parents, I don't have to do any cooking or cleaning. Occasional washing up or laying the table but that is shared between me, DH, my sister & her partner.

We all get on very well, the wine & gin flows freely & it is very relaxing

Best of all it is DH's preferred way of doing this as well. So it is set in stone now

Oooohhh debbiethemum I envy you. I think the whole problem with xmas & the associated stress (or not in your case) is the family dynamics, how well we all get along (or not!) & recognising boundaries or our tolerances of eachother. Putting people together, for prolonged periods, out of their normal everyday role (being forced to sit & 'relax' may not suit everyone), add some booze, xmas politics (will ds like MIL pressie or my parents pressie best etc etc.....?!)& general family histories & previous incidences then it's no suprise it can all end up in a pickle..... Plus the expectations of being a good host AND being able to keep smiling is all v difficult.
If you're able to all recognise limitations to family dynamics ie.not having EVERYONE round all at once, then you're on to a winner......easily said than done though!!!