What's the difference between a close friendship and an emotional affair?

[pajamaparty]

I've seen plenty of people on these boards talk about emotional affairs. The term is used when there is no sex or even romantic feelings involved, but the relationship is labelled as an emotional affair due to the fact they talk about certain things and may care about each other.

I would like to ask what classes as an emotional affair as opposed to a friendship? A lot of women discuss anything and everything with female friends, but if they did that with a male friend it's an emotional affair?

I have a close friendship with a man and it's not sexual at all, but I do talk to him about my worries and inner thoughts more than I would anyone else. We hug each other and he has held my hand a few times when I've been upset about things. However we don't discuss marital issues or anything like that and we wouldn't. I don't think this classes as an emotional affair, or is it always an emotional affair if you have a close friendship with someone aside from your spouse?

I believe there ARE romantic feelings involved. Also, a sign is that you feel closer to the ea person that to your partner and probably crave the company of the ea even while with your partner.

That's a pretty emotional relationship. Would you be ok with your other half knowing you hold hands and share these things? If so, I think you're ok.

It will differ for everyone. For me, it's a deeper emotional connection than a normal friendship. An intimacy usually reserved for a partnership.

I would do these things with a close female friend too, that's why I'm asking what the difference is?

The difference is if you would behave any differently if your partner was there, could read the messages etc.

You see OP, I wouldn't. I am different in my friendships than I am in intimate relationships. I don't feel that very deep bond and connection with a friend as I do an intimate partner.

If you're the same with all your friends as you are with your intimate partnerships, that's kind of lovely in a way. You're in a kind of emotional poly group where there are no boundaries.

Do you have any marital issues?
How long have you known this guy?
Have you only recently become close - or have you always been this way?
Does he confide in you to the same level?
Are these issues you are unable to resolve with your DH? If so why?
Who initiated the hugging and handholding?
Are you uncomfortable with the hugging and handholding?
Do you sense a romantic intensity?
Are you resisting a romantic intensity?
Do you feel the need to withdraw a bit?

My husband knows about it and doesn't care because I have bad anxiety problems and do go on a bit, he's thankful I talk to other people rather than bore him with it tbh

I guess other people's mileage may vary but I tend to use the rule that if you're doing or saying something you wouldn't do or say in front of your partner (assuming your partner is well adjusted and not overly jealous) then you're in dodgy territory.

Fancying them.

If you would be happy for your husband to watch a video of the two of you together, doing everything you have done - it's friendship, not an emotional affair.

If you spend more time with your partner than this man, and are focussed on your partner (and not this man) when you are at home, it's a friendship, not an emotional affair.

If you are happy for the two of them to meet and chat, it's a friendship, not an emotional affair

But if you ever feel any need to lie (by omission por otherwise), or for other forms of secrecy from your partner - it's an emotional affair.

An emotional affair definitely requires the involvement of romantic feelings to qualify as such. If there are no romantic feelings involved it’s just a close friendship and there’s nothing to worry about.

Hiding it.

OP,

Do you have romantic feelings for him yes or no?

I would do these things with a close female friend too, that's why I'm asking what the difference is?

I’m normally the first to shout EA in these situations, but as you say, if you’d act the same way with a female friend (presuming you’re not bisexual) then I’d say it isn’t an EA.

Your H knows about it, doesn’t feel excluded by you confiding in your friend and you say there aren’t romantic feelings, so I’d say it isn’t an affair.

Of course there’s every possibility that your male friend thinks it’s an affair, in which case you have a problem! But as long as he’s on the same page and is happy to offer you comfort and friendship with no expectation of anything more, crack on.

And as someone else said, transparency - if you’d be happy for your H to see a video of you with your friend, or to read your messages, knowing there’s nothing in there that would make him uncomfortable, it’s all good.

I don't think your friendship counts as an emotional affair.
I think when you start day dreaming about kissing them or wish your other half was more like them the your heading in dangerous water.

I think it's when you start withholding parts of that relationship from your husband when you're talking about it.

I would say it's things like saying they're attracted to each other or in love etc. An affair basically to some extent, just without the sex (yet.)

I think it all comes down to transparency. If you’d change your behaviour or wording at all were your husband a witness to it, that’s when you know you’re in trouble.
Generally, I’ve noticed if you have to ask, it’s probably verging on it.

I’ve had to ask myself this recently and I think the difference really is fancying someone. I have quite recently made two male friends through work - both in relationships, I’m single. I interact in a very similar way/amount with them both over messaging etc., to look at our WhatsApp history you wouldn’t see much of a difference. We also have the same kinds of conversations at work BUT I fancy one of them and I don’t the other. I know that I fancy him, pretty sure he has an idea and what’s more I get indications that he might fancy me a bit too. This usually comes out in the pub after a couple of drinks. That’s the difference! SO I very deliberately cooled off on our out of work Messaging etc. cos it really didn’t seem worth the hassle. With the guy I don’t fancy I have no problem carrying cos there is no ‘vibe’ between us.

A package containing:

*Physical Attraction
*Channeling more emotional energy, time and attention into the other person rather than partner

*Hiding some or all of the relationship

*Comfortable with partner seeing, hearing or reading all of your interactions.

I think if you don’t have any romantic feelings, it’s not an affair of any sort. It’s controlling imo to say your romantic partner can’t have close friendships.

I had an ex that couldnt stop emotional affairs. He opened up to them in ways he never did with me and there was clearly a sexual frisson between him and these friends. He tried to hide them from me, whereas he would be transparent about his genuine platonic friends.

I think that 'would you say that if SO was in the room?' Is a good indicator.

Is the friend married or in a relationship?