What's the difference between a close friendship and an emotional affair?

[pajamaparty]

I've seen plenty of people on these boards talk about emotional affairs. The term is used when there is no sex or even romantic feelings involved, but the relationship is labelled as an emotional affair due to the fact they talk about certain things and may care about each other.

I would like to ask what classes as an emotional affair as opposed to a friendship? A lot of women discuss anything and everything with female friends, but if they did that with a male friend it's an emotional affair?

I have a close friendship with a man and it's not sexual at all, but I do talk to him about my worries and inner thoughts more than I would anyone else. We hug each other and he has held my hand a few times when I've been upset about things. However we don't discuss marital issues or anything like that and we wouldn't. I don't think this classes as an emotional affair, or is it always an emotional affair if you have a close friendship with someone aside from your spouse?

I think the thing that makes it an emotional affair is the boundaries of the particular couple - not the behaviour, or even the nature of the relationship by itself.

Some women get really touchy about their man being their territory and see everything he does as a sign of how much he "respects" her, get very het up about how others will think he is "taking her for a mug" by having a coffee with a friend, etc. - to me that's a sign of huge insecurity in the woman, that she should be taking responsibility for addressing. To others, that's just the way relationships work. It all depends on where you are on that spectrum.

I believe there does need to be romantic or sexual feelings involved.

Basically, if you were in a position you felt you could get away with it, would you have sex with him? If the answer is no it's just friendship to me.

Attraction.

I would say needs to involve mutual attraction as well.

Otherwise it's just a friend, albeit a close one.

The new person (or it could be a long time friend) becomes the priority over their current partner. Warm, heartfelt smiles when a message comes through, or a twinkle in their eye when the "friend" has said something funny. The phone will become protected, evidence will sometimes be deleted. If you see them together, there'll be cheeky glances, playfulness; you'll feel uncomfortable because it'll be obvious. You might feel like there's an elephant in the room. Awkward silences on the door. That's my experience, anyway.

Nothing in what you've described would worry me necessarily.

I have both Male and female friends who I'm very touchy feely with. I have one female friend who ends every conversation with "I love you!" and I tell her same. I have another male friend who is incredibly touchy feely, prone to grabbing my hand to emphasise a point, and who also tells me he loves me on a regular basis, and me him.... both platonic.

I do agree though about the getting the warm fuzzies when they get in touch/ message. That is a bit of a giveaway. Plus, obviously, if there is any mutual attraction. Another sign for me would be first thing in the morning/last at night messaging.

I dont think a tendency to not be completely open with partner is a particularly brilliant indicator. I wouldnt have wanted my ex Partner to overhear my convos/ see all my interactions with either of these people. Not cos there was anything going on but because they were private exchanges, he was quite judgemental and scathing of my friends, and myriad other reasons...

Have a read Shirley Glass Not Just Friends. She has a checklist and the research predicts who will go onto cheat in different scenarios.

Does your husband know this man holds your hand? Would this man do that in front of your husband and would you think nothing of letting him? Would you tell this man anything you wouldn't tell your husband about yourself, your needs or wishes?

My husband knows about it and doesn't care because I have bad anxiety problems and do go on a bit, he's thankful I talk to other people rather than bore him with it tbh

In that case why are you still with him ?

Basically, if you were in a position you felt you could get away with it, would you have sex with him? If the answer is no it's just friendship to me.

@Frankola , yes I agree with that