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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he has just really p**ed me off :( :(

57 replies

nikcola · 09/10/2004 22:16

dd went round to his sisters for a few hours today and now shes staying the night wich i dont mind as she really likes it there (as u all no my life story i dont want to go through it again) u all no how his family have been in the past,

he rang me to see if it was ok and i said no and he made me feel so guilty like i couldnt say no so i said yes i really feel like im losing my daughter to his f**ked up family do u think im being selfish by not wanting her to be there all the time

OP posts:
misdee · 10/10/2004 08:35

nikola, your dd has only been visiting them for a a short while. i wouldnt be comfortable with her staying the night. my dd, who is 4, only stays at her grandparents and my sisters and she has a great relationship with them, even then she gets fretful and sometimes wants to come home. In future insist that she only visits when you are there, or set up a contact centre visit, as you ex (is he your ex now, finding hard to keep up atm) has no right offically to take her anywhere. As you arent married i blive he actually has no parental rights. (could be wrong here). I know you want whats best for your dd and dont want to deny her the chance to know her 'family' but nik, your her family, your her mum, you are the one who has raised her whilst this twats family slag you off, tear u down and pretend u dont exsist. What if they do all this whilst you are there? how will that make your dd feel? think about it hun, you dont need them ,you;ve proved that.

tammybear · 10/10/2004 09:14

hi nik. only just seen this. u kno wat im like with my exp, and altho he pays maintenance for her (unlike urs), i still wudnt allow him to have her. he doesnt have parental responsibility so he cant tell me wat to do, or even if he had it, i wud still have the main say as im dd's main carer. if ur not comfortable with it, then don't allow dd to go around there. tell him to start paying maintenance and showing more responsibility and then and only then ull start considering whether dd can spend more time with his family (although i dont see why since they havent been that bothered so far) sorry nik but i feel so for u. xxx

tammybear · 10/10/2004 09:23

hmmm, i just re-read my post and it sounded a bit "harsh". sorry if it comes across that way, but i can really understand how u feel, and guys like him and my exp just make me so If you ever wanna chat, u know where i am. xxx

jampot · 10/10/2004 11:04

Hope things were okay last night nikcola. Why not invite the other kiddies to yours for dd to play with if they all like each other - if they won't let the children come then its a good argument to throw back (not that you need one) xx

joanneg · 10/10/2004 11:23

Nik - I think that it is up to you how much time you want your dd to be away from you. Just because she likes to visit over there - that doesnt mean that it is ok for her to be there all of the ime. DS like my Mum (his nan) loads and would gladly spend all of his time there because she spoils him so much! But it is for me to decide balance in his life and make sure he is at home.
I agree with what Jampot has suggested.
((hugs)) to you - i hope this sorts itself out

Original poster
nikcola · 10/10/2004 16:51

shes still not back hes just gone to get her and shes defianlty not staying again im sick of it i havent seen her all weekend i miss her and i feel they are taking her away from me

i cant invite the kids round here because they arent allowed to come round here he said because we arent not married ffs

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 10/10/2004 17:01

Nikcola that's ridiculous...

tammybear · 10/10/2004 17:05

oh nik, i hope he brings her back soon. then when he does, chuck him out of ur house and slam the door in his face. sending you hugs.

Original poster
nikcola · 10/10/2004 17:10

i just rang dd and she said she doesnt weant to come home god why am i so jelous shes mine not theres

OP posts:
tammybear · 10/10/2004 17:16

he is definetly going to get her isnt he nik?

Original poster
nikcola · 10/10/2004 17:20

yeh i just rang hes getting her ready x i trust him just not them i think they are up to somthink like getting dd to trust them then they might take her away and im not risking it

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 10/10/2004 17:21

Nik they can't do that, she's yours, btw how old is she??

Original poster
nikcola · 10/10/2004 17:23

shes 3 next month
my mom warned me bout all this (she watches loads of documetaries) thay could take her to their contry and id never be able to get her back

OP posts:
Original poster
nikcola · 10/10/2004 17:24

why didnt i listen to my mom and dad

OP posts:
tammybear · 10/10/2004 17:27

they cant do that nik. please dont worry. she'll be back with u soon, and then u can decide if she gets to go there again

fuzzywuzzy · 10/10/2004 17:28

Nik that's called kidnapping, and I don't think they'd be able to do that so long as you have dd's passport..... Take a deep breath wait till she's home and then sort out something specific about access and stuff just tell your exp you are not comfortable with his family having your dd alone over night. I'd put a line under that and I wouldn't listen to anything he has to say. you're not comfortable with it so that's that...

Original poster
nikcola · 10/10/2004 17:35

she asnt got a passprt i didnt get round to getting it thank god

OP posts:
jampot · 10/10/2004 17:39

Nik - just don;t let her go again. You have really suffered this weekend with her gone - it really isn;t worth it. If they won't let their kids round to you then thats fine - its exactly the same reason you won't let yours there. She'll meet loads of other kids at nursery etc so you don't have to rely on his relatives. And just remember a family is a network who supports you (like MN) related or not

tammybear · 10/10/2004 17:41

Nik, when you speak to him, and it doesnt necessarily have to be when you see him when he brings dd back, tell him that you dont want her to do that again, and only when you say its fine will dd be able to stay over again. If he starts arguing back with you, just say he hasnt hardly supported you, he's not even paying maintenance for dd which he should as he has a responsibility towards her and should be making sure she has everything she needs. You need to be able to trust who ever dd is with and his family havent exactly been supportive towards you. hope she gets back soon xxx

Original poster
nikcola · 10/10/2004 17:49

hes just so hard to talt to he make me feel quilty

OP posts:
tammybear · 10/10/2004 17:51

exp does that to me too. u just have to try not to let him get to u as hard as that is. and like jampot said, if they're not going to allow their kids round urs, why should you have to?

Original poster
nikcola · 10/10/2004 18:14

shes back

OP posts:
tammybear · 10/10/2004 18:16

oh good, is he still there though or has he just dropped her off and left?

Original poster
nikcola · 10/10/2004 18:17

hes having a bath before he goes

OP posts:
jampot · 10/10/2004 18:20

? why? doesn;t he have a home to go to

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