Lost interest in relationship, what should I do?

[jaffa678]

Hi ladies,

Hope you're all safe and well. Ok, so a little bit of background, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 10 years from the age of 18 but after years of saying I would leave, I did leave a year and a half ago. Since then I rebuilt my life (something which I never thought I would be capable of) with the help of very supportive family and friends. I was able to start my PhD, balance my career with raising my 4 yr old little girl and rent a beautiful home.

5 months after my split, I met someone (although it was earlier than planned) and we have now been together a year. He's lovely and I think hes been a good source of getting my social life back on track, going out with him and away at the weekends (when my LO is with her dad) and we've had an amazing time.

However since we've been in lock down, I've completely changed my mind, everything about him I'm finding off putting. Even though hes only ever been so lovely and kind to me. Im 30, hes 40 and divorced with 2 kids which has never bothered me before, we had a conversation a few times about children in the future, where we both said we didn't want anymore, his reason being his age, my reason being I want my career first.

However, since spending quality time with my little girl in lockdown, I prefer it just being us. He came around for a social distance drink in my garden the other week and even though I havent seen him since lockdown 6 weeks ago, I hadnt missed him, and felt like he was intruding in my personal space.

I worry that I have become too independent but I love that feeling at the same time. He mentioned it would be nice in a couple of years for me and my little girl to move in with him and the kids can share a room, which again a few months ago I thought that sounds lovely. But now, that idea fills me with absolute dread. This is mine and my daughters home and I want this to be a steady base for both of us as we have it exactly how we want.

I think the 10 year ago gap is getting to me a little, and once something puts you off, everything that person does is seen in a negaitve light. I find myself being so picky over everything he does and says which is not fair because he is a really nice person. He says his dream is to spend his life with me, but my dream is to build a really successful career so I can provide for my daughter and give her the best life I possibly can and share lots of memories together.

Do you think I have just been overthinking things during lockdown? At the beginning I had that dreaded feeling in my stomach that I wouldnt be able to get through this period without him. Now I feel so liberated that I don't know whether I want a relationship. But I know he would be absolutely heartbroken as he calls me his soul mate etc.

After leaving my ex relationship I have largely put my happiness down to the new guy! But I think I am genuinley happy with the person I have become (because I never though after years of abuse that I could become her)

Does anyone have any wise words?

Perhaps its not so much the relationship in general that you've lost interest in, but just the idea of living with him. Could you continue the relationship with the both of you living separately? Although if your feelings towards him have completely died in the past 6 weeks, time to accept then its over.

You're unhappy. Break up - life is too short, don't waste it on anything you have control over that you're capable of changing.

I would wait till you can properly see him again and see how normal life is after lockdown, whenever that is. Things are not the same just now, you might feel different once your wee one is back going to nursery and things.

It's an odd time just now so I wouldn't jump the gun and end things if you were truly happy before all of this. I'd see how it goes once things get back to a bit of normality. If you're still not feeling it then end it, life's too short and not every relationship is meant to last forever. It might be that he's served a purpose in your life eg, getting your social life on track and now you've outgrown the relationship.

But if you were having any niggles before lockdown then I would end things now. Being away from him could be highlighting that you're not actually that into him.

Everything in you is telling you this relationship isn't working, for whatever reason, and the reasons don't matter. It's not right. You know it's not right. Don't allow yourself to be stuck in another bad situation. FGS, stop ignoring your instincts. End it.

Sounds like you just don’t fancy him anymore. It’s totally normal, don’t overthink it.

If you haven’t dated a lot you may not have experienced it. I used to find my feelings turned off like a tap once I went off someone, and there was no going back.

Don’t waste that feeling of liberation either - it’s the best. Focus on your career and don’t settle for anything less than real love when you feel ready for a relationship again.

Oh and PS - there’s no such thing as “too independent”.

He says his dream is to spend his life with me, but my dream is to build a really successful career

Well these two dreams are not at all incompatible, people live together and have successful careers all the time, if anything it helps to have someone taking care of the home front while you are working. But if you aren't feeling it, totally fair enough. You can't worry about whether he'll be heart broken, that's unfortunate but it happens and you will be get over it in time

*both get over it

Sounds like you’re feeling a bit suffocated. Is he pressuring you to make decisions about the future? Or is it more that his vision of the future has you supporting him rather than pursuing your own dreams? Either way, trust your gut.

@CardsforKittens No theres no pressure at all from him, he hasent give anything a time scale. .I was very co-dependant on my ex (who was very emotionally abusive) and felt so liberated when I left that I could make small decisions (such as what colour walls I wanted in my new place) aswell as being capable to make bigger decisions.

I think deep down maybe I'm scared that I have worked so hard to build up my independence for it to be taking away / compromised again.

I do feel a bit suffocated which is very strange because we cant really see each other, we text, dont really talk on the phone. So if I'm feeling suffocated through texting thsgs telling me a lot. Hes not OTT. I'm really busy trying to juggle parenthood with PhD and 3 jobs, so when I do get a rare bit of time to myself I like alone time to recharge from everything.

Sorry just to add, I think also that being only 30 I'm not too old to start a family one day. We originally had a talk and I said I would not want another child I would rather focus all my time and effort on enjoying time with my LO. However, I've been thinking a lot during lockdown and what if in a few years (mid 30s) maybe I change my mind and do want a family. I know he is so against having a child, but said if it's what I wanted (he would consider it) but I wouldn't want to feel like I forced someone If things had changed.

I just dont know whether the pressure of going from just me and my daughter to a ready made family of 5 one day scares me.

You don’t need to be in a relationship, and it sounds like you’re not that into him.

I’ve been there - working through all the reasons and weighing up the arguments, as if there was a logical root cause besides the obvious one.

Sounds like it was a relationship of familiarity - now you've had some distance, you're thinking more about what you want without also feeling you have to be "nice" about it.

"He came around for a social distance drink in my garden the other week and even though I havent seen him since lockdown 6 weeks ago, I hadnt missed him, and felt like he was intruding in my personal space."
This was an excellent test - you want to be in a relationship with someone you'd look forward to seeing!

All the big talk seems to be coming from his side "soul mates" etc etc - don't feel you have to stay just because he really likes the idea.

Yeah, it's funny how we feel like we need a big excuse to leave. My ex has emotionally abusive so I had a big reason to leave. But in this relationship I keep thinking there is 'no big reason' but I thinking doubting the future one year into a relationship surely cant be a good thing. Or is it because I have took on many jobs and study and home schooling during lockdown that I am exhausted and finding I have no time at the 'present' time for a relationship.
It's hard to work out.

OP,

Getting out of a 10 year abusive relationship took a lot.

5 months later and you met someone.

Not much time for yourself inbetween.

Don't waste a minute trying to justify yourself.

He's a lovely, kind man, but he's not the man for you.

There is nothing wrong with this and it's no ones fault.

I think you have goals that you want to focus on combined with enjoying time with your daughter.

I think you should listen to your gut and take this time for yourself.

You were very young and very long in an awful situation.

Enjoy this time, enjoy making your dreams come through.

well done for getting out of an abusive relationship and rebuilding your life.

I think a previous poster gave good advice re these being odd times and not to jump the ginger.

Jump the gun!

No idea where ginger came from.

Jump the ginger made me laugh 😂

Maybe ask him to slow down a little on plans for the future. I’d definitely explain that you don’t want to move in so he’s got that clear.

@billy1996 thank you for that message that has really helped me, everything you say makes exact sense. I do really look forward to the future and making dreams happen.

@sugartitss that did make me laugh about the ginger, i thought i had missed something for a second. Thank you

You didn’t miss him.

You felt like he was invading your space.

He’s not for you. You deserve someone who you get excited to see.

@MashedSpud That's the confusing part because when lockdown was announced I dreaded the thought of not seeing him and was really upset. I missed him so much for weeks. But now I've seen him I feel different and I'm not sure why

It shouldn’t be this hard. When I met my current partner we lived nearly two hours apart. I would drive down to see him after work some nights, stay up half the night with him then schlepp home for work again the next day. I was never too tired, because we were so loved up and eager to see each other. It didn’t matter how busy we were.

By the way OP, you sound fecking ace. It’s so impressive what you’ve achieved.

@WinterAndRoughWeather aww thanks so much that's really kind of you :)

Oh wow that is a big commitment, you've helped put things into perspective by mentioning how you were both never tired because you were so in love.

You said you had a relationship before this which just didnt seem right, did you know this straight away?

The thing with abusive relationships is that they really fuck with your thresholds and decision making. For one.

Two, you've had some enforced independence and loved it. Well done x

Three. It's ok to break up with someone because you're just not feeling it. It's normal and healthy.

Four. If you just want to be with your dd there's no time to waste - you won't get that time back x