Lost interest in relationship, what should I do?

[jaffa678]

Hi ladies,

Hope you're all safe and well. Ok, so a little bit of background, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 10 years from the age of 18 but after years of saying I would leave, I did leave a year and a half ago. Since then I rebuilt my life (something which I never thought I would be capable of) with the help of very supportive family and friends. I was able to start my PhD, balance my career with raising my 4 yr old little girl and rent a beautiful home.

5 months after my split, I met someone (although it was earlier than planned) and we have now been together a year. He's lovely and I think hes been a good source of getting my social life back on track, going out with him and away at the weekends (when my LO is with her dad) and we've had an amazing time.

However since we've been in lock down, I've completely changed my mind, everything about him I'm finding off putting. Even though hes only ever been so lovely and kind to me. Im 30, hes 40 and divorced with 2 kids which has never bothered me before, we had a conversation a few times about children in the future, where we both said we didn't want anymore, his reason being his age, my reason being I want my career first.

However, since spending quality time with my little girl in lockdown, I prefer it just being us. He came around for a social distance drink in my garden the other week and even though I havent seen him since lockdown 6 weeks ago, I hadnt missed him, and felt like he was intruding in my personal space.

I worry that I have become too independent but I love that feeling at the same time. He mentioned it would be nice in a couple of years for me and my little girl to move in with him and the kids can share a room, which again a few months ago I thought that sounds lovely. But now, that idea fills me with absolute dread. This is mine and my daughters home and I want this to be a steady base for both of us as we have it exactly how we want.

I think the 10 year ago gap is getting to me a little, and once something puts you off, everything that person does is seen in a negaitve light. I find myself being so picky over everything he does and says which is not fair because he is a really nice person. He says his dream is to spend his life with me, but my dream is to build a really successful career so I can provide for my daughter and give her the best life I possibly can and share lots of memories together.

Do you think I have just been overthinking things during lockdown? At the beginning I had that dreaded feeling in my stomach that I wouldnt be able to get through this period without him. Now I feel so liberated that I don't know whether I want a relationship. But I know he would be absolutely heartbroken as he calls me his soul mate etc.

After leaving my ex relationship I have largely put my happiness down to the new guy! But I think I am genuinley happy with the person I have become (because I never though after years of abuse that I could become her)

Does anyone have any wise words?

Not straight away no. I’ve had some boyfriends where I knew within a few dates, or weeks, but also some medium term relationships (6 months to a year) that just fizzled out. The good ones were still good after a year though. There’s only been two that lasted more than a year for me though, so your mileage may vary...

Although my brain would say wait and see as we are in such strange times I actually think you should trust your gut. When you get the ice about someone it's very hard to shake it off. I've had it before with someone I haven't seen for a while - it can either make you mad for them or they're shoes that just don't fit anymore. Trust your gut. It's terribly important when you've survived what you've been through.

What does he mean spend the rest of his life with you?
He knows your career is a priority. I hope he doesn't expect you to put your goals aside for him.

How old are his children?

I think he provided what you needed after a gruelling 10 years - fun and kindness. However that doesn’t mean you owe him anything. In reality just 5 months alone after an experience like that probably isn’t enough, how would you feel at 40 if you looked back on your adult life and had only had that short period of independence.

It sounds to me like you’re finally alone for the first time as an adult with your daughter, and loving it. You have outgrown this man and that’s sad but it’s fine. These things happen. I notice when you talk about the relationship you don’t mention loving him, just his feelings for you. I think that’s a sign.

People come in to our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime.

Maybe he was just for a reason to help you get over your abusive marriage?

I left an abusive marriage 2 years ago and after 2 months met a FWB that lasted 14 months, towards the end he annoyed me more than I liked him so I ended it.
He was a really lovely guy but I believe he only came in to my life for a reason and that reason was to help me get over my ex and it worked.