Messages from dds friend age 12

[Mummyoflittledragon]

My dd is in yr7 and she has a friend in her class she fights with all the time. Both feisty girls. This girl does hook dd in to fights a fair bit. However, it is far from one sided and dd seems to spoil for a fight with her too. This is all FaceTime atm obvs....

Problem is, the girl periodically messages me asking for help in managing my dd. I am not sure how much emotional time her mum gives to her. Separated and dad sounds pants. She has been to mine a couple of times and she appears really really emotionally needy btw. Dh said the same.

How do I handle this? I’ve tried to be as bland as possible. Told her to take some time away from dd. But she then sends stuff back to me. I’ve responded again. Blandly.

Anyone have experience of this?

tell her to refer all school related stuff to her teacher.....and stop having her round your house?
Ignore all further msgs or block her number?
Tell her teacher about your concerns for her and let them take safeguarding measures and deal with it.

You're being triangulated into a dynamic....she's probably not aware she's doing it.
She needs ongoing support and you can't be that person.

She wants you to side with her over your daughter. That's so unfair. You should tell her to speak to her mum and that you're not getting involved. One of my daughter's friends was like this - very manipulative - and she had my daughter convinced that I believed the friend was the daughter she should have had.

Thank you for the messages. Today it was because she sent dd a bunch of photos from a (non social distanced) party she had with some friends on VE Day and dd was upset because I’d refused to let her do the same. Dd then told her she could tell the police. 🤦‍♀️ And they’d ended up blocking each other.

I responded a couple of days to blow over.

Then she came back saying not being horrible but dd starts all these fights and she’s going to unblock dd tomorrow to apologise and if dd doesn’t apologise, she will block her again.

I responded to speak to her mum for advice. That if she was going to unblock dd only to elicit an apology, maybe they should not contact each other until neither felt an apology was necessary. But again to ask her mum.

The school is aware of some of the stuff her dad has done. But for this sort of convo, I would not imagine they’d want to get involved. I’ve just said the sort of thing school would say, I think.

I’m kind of reluctant to message her mum. She has very very different priorities as a parent than me.

Honestly? I'd take your DD off facetime/social media for a while, neither sound mature enough for the dynamics of it yet, a break might do your daughter good.

Thanks. Yes, I’ve done that for today. Tomorrow is a school day and therefore she will have more to do. So hard in lockdown. She’s an only child. And I’m an ill mum. It’s difficult.

I would suggest that DD blocks her and stays blocked, and so do you. Use the lockdown to basically break the ties that bind, because it does not sound a healthy relationship for your DD, and I find it utterly bizarre that she's seeking to involve you and get you to side with her against your DD, and get involved.

I'd also suggest that you might want to see if the girls can be in different classes next year as much as possible.

I find that so strange that the friend messages you! I would just completely ignore her messages, you don’t want to get involved in teenage girls friendship dramas.

It's not strange, @bloodyhellsbells - the friend is trying to set the OP against her own daughter. It's a fairly common strategy amongst certain children.

Nevermind getting your DD to block this girl YOU need to block her. Your daughter must hate that this girl who she fights with all the time messages You. You don't get involved in your DDs friendships. Raise with school if you have concerns and block this girl from contacting you.

As an adult, I really don’t think you should be messaging 12 year olds OP. I understand you mean well but it could be taken as being really inappropriate. I agree with PP’s that you and your DD should block and leave her blocked.

Well I’ve learnt something new @HollowTalk I’ve never heard of that, and I wouldn’t have had the brass neck to do it when I was that age either!

You need to stop texting a 12yo without her parents knowing.

This girl is not a friend to your daughter, she is a classmate and an acquaintance. Help your daughter to see the difference. And definitely block her, she should not be able to message you.

I’d only respond with “I’m sorry you and DD are having friendship issues but it’s really not appropriate for you to contact directly me about this. Please speak to your mum or the school and hopefully they can advise you. Take care”

need to speak to your mum or the school about this, it’s not appropriate for me to

Sorry don’t know what happened to my reply there!

What PickUp said. It’s a safeguarding risk. I’d tell her that while you’re flattered that she trusts you, it isn’t your place to be talking to her in this way. Block her number. Tell her mum. Tell school.

Thanks for your messages. I agree I shouldn’t be messaging a girl without her parents knowing. I would never instigate something. It makes me feel very queasy when put it like this. Oh god. I was just trying to be nice to her.

I also agree she isn’t much of a friend. Thanks. I will talk to dd.

In this light I think I need to let her mum know.

How did this girls get your number?

You need to block her.

Your dd is in lockdown and you have control over who she speaks too.

Block this other girl on everything for your daughter.

Tell your daughter she is not to communicate with her at all.

Read up about relationship aggression in girls and teach your daughter how to spot, avoid and deal with this behaviour.

Foster better friendships.

I’ve come across girls like this before, very manipulative and try to get onside with the mum, oneupmanship on her frenemy.
Block this girl, take your DD off all SM, distance yourself and her from this girl, it won’t end well.

She sounds like an awful friend. I'd strongly discourage this "friendship". You can't solve her problems from your position. You need to take care of your own dd. It sounds like she could use a bit of guidance about manipulative people.

interested to see what the mum says x good luck x

Thanks for your advice everyone. Her mum was really nice. I explained my dilemma and she said she’d have a word with her dd, which has now happened whilst writing this. Sometimes the most obvious solution is the best one...

I’ll be talking with dd about this friendship. I do agree it’s toxic. The girl has a lot of issues. She csn be really sweet though.

I agree dd needs help spotting manipulative. Me too. I’m such a straight forward person.

I’ll read up on relationship aggression. miatheminx. She got my no way back because I gave it to her to give to her mum to organise a play date.

Thinking about it I do have some of dd’s other friends nos but that is for - “oh my phone is dead mum, I’m on this number” iyswim.

It's not strange, @bloodyhellsbells - the friend is trying to set the OP against her own daughter. It's a fairly common strategy amongst certain children

This. You shouldn't be messaging her. Block.