New man, red flags?

[Setty5r]

I’ve been seeing someone for a few months. He works in a lab 9-5 at the moment but has done two local shifts on a corona ward. The other day I heard him telling a friend that he was ‘crazy busy’ on the corona ward, that he had been working nights and it was non stop, he was exhausted etc. This is obviously all untrue.

He speaks with his mother daily on FaceTime for about an hour a time (he calls her rather than vice versa). Initially I was ok with this and thought it was nice but recently he’s been talking about farting in bed with me and telling his mum about it !!!

He’s 37 in two weeks and has only had one 14 month relationship since university. I thought maybe he hadn’t found the right person but I am now second guessing what might have gone on, obviously could be nothing but seems unusual.

At Easter id joked that the Easter bunny might make an arrival for him with some treats and he said very seriously please don’t do that as I have no intention of getting you anything so it will be weird if you do.

I have been known to be blind to red flags that would have been obvious to others from the start. Would you continue with this?

He sounds awful, sorry.

At very least he’s a liar and/or attention seeker. He overshares with his mum, and he has no sense of fun at all.

Tread carefully if you do want to see how this pans out.

Please don't stay with a liar it's a sign of things to come end he sounds immature emotionally aswell.

I had a relationship with a man who was very close to his mum. Exceptionally close.
It turned out that she was an enabler for him and his lack of boundaries with her spread over to lack of boundaries with everybody- myself, his boss, my family and friends...

More red flags than a commie convention.

You don't need to housebreak this one. I give you permission to not be 'Big Momma' teaching him how to 'relationship' at your expense. Turn him loose and find someone who can actually fulfil your needs and wants... And perhaps who isn't an 18yr old (at least in terms of relationships, if not more) in a 37yr old's body.

He takes daily photos of his hair to see if it is receding as time goes on. I felt sorry for him initially but now I find it odd.

Setty

In answer to your question no I would not continue with this at all.

"I have been known to be blind to red flags that would have been obvious to others from the start"

And you still are frankly because this man has more red flags about him than are present at a Communist Party Committee meeting. What drew you to this person to start with?.

On a wider level too why are your boundaries so poor here that you ever gave this man the time of day?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

I would seriously consider counselling before you embark at all on any further relationships. Repeating the same old relationship patterns in the hopes of finding different is a fallacy.

Why would I not have given him the time of day?

Genuine question! I’m obviously missing something

You do not owe this man anything, let alone a relationship here. And what you have is not a respectful relationship so why have you and he been seeing each other at all?. Are you much younger than he. He is enmeshed with his mother and she will always come first. This man could be described as an “uphill struggle” and such men too do not change. This is really who he is.

Have you had really bad relationship before? Sometimes that really shifts boundaries so that the things you describe seem fine in comparison.

He comes off as very immature. And honestly, why would you date someone you feel sorry for?

The exaggerated work thing is pretty normal - people trying to big themselves up, unless he lies regularly about other aspects of his life.
The relationship with his mum - nothing wrong with calling every day to check in and find out she's ok (especially now) etc, but for an hour and relating personal things is not on.
And I also think the Easter bunny thing was totally ok - I find any adult doing Easter egg stuff for another adult totally cringey and juvenile, so good on him for being honest!
So for me the only red flags are his too intimate relationship with his mother and lack of any previous long term relationships (and consistent untruths). But the former on it's own would put me right off.

I’ve had a bad relationship before yes. I did think he was different though. He seemed quite calm but now I think it is actually that he’s detached. I’m 32 he’s 37.

I think he is emotionally immature but as he has a good job he cane across initially as quite responsible and in charge of himself. It doesn’t translate to his personal life though.

I thought maybe I was being petty about Easter

Farting in bed? Yuk! He should go to the toilet. That would be the end for me.

The thing is, for me these might all be explainable and 'ok', but it's how you feel that matters.

If in the early stages of any relationship you are asking 'is this a red flag?' then that's the red flag, regardless of whether 200 people on the internet say 'nah, sounds fine to me hun'. Do you see what I mean?

I'd end it, because if it's anything other than pretty much entirely gorgeous and lovely in the first few months, then it's never going to be.

Mister I’m not sure that’s true because not everything is perfect all the time. I don’t expect perfection.

Agree the farting is gros and it’s strange he talks to his mum about it and finds it so funny.

Setty, mister speaks sense. I'm married to someone who isn't perfect, but in the first year of being with him, my feet didn't touch the ground. I was on cloud nine the whole time - just loved being with him, thought everything about him was awesome, wanted to be with him when I wasn't. There was absolutely nothing that made me stop and think, that's a bit odd, am I ok with that?

And he certainly didn't fart in front of me for years! Gross. In the first few months, we definitely wanted to show each other our best sides.

Two narcissistic traits- lying to make him self sound more important than he is, and an obsession with his looks.

I wouldn't carry on with the relationship. You can't believe a word he says.

Get rid a mummy’s boy is hell you’ll never be anything but second best mum will always come first.

He sounds very immature.
Not long term relationship material I'm afraid, esspecially since he's 37, he will probably never learn some things.

Talk to him about your concerns and see if he can understand why you feel uncomfortable about him discussing stuff that happens in bed with his mum. It’s private. She doesn’t need to hear takes from the bedroom.

Re the bigging himself up to his mates that’s a bit immature but it’s not the end of the world. Lots of us do that. I’ve even been prone to the odd exaggeration...

Perhaps his family didn’t celebrate Easter so he was just continuing that theme with you? Or they stop when a youngster reaches 16 or somesuch if they arent religious and to then it’s just about chocolate eggs.

You just need to tell him what you expect from your relationship with him and it’s up to him to oblige. If he doesn’t then you can always leave him. I think he’s just a bit immature and perhaps a bit of a mummies boy. But as long as he treats you nicely, pays his way, and falls in line with your expectations in future it ain’t all bad!

Run for your life. What's the living situation? I'd be getting rid of him today.

The first one is a huge red flag. Huge. People who lie and massively exaggerate for the sake of storytelling actually freeze my blood having had someone in my life who did just that...and much more. Looking back wishing I hadn't excused it.

You may be dealing with a narcissist. You may not. But lies like that, rarely come alone. And they do matter. Run.

An hour a day talking to his mum? Yikes.

Did you move in together for lockdown after a few weeks??

Re the bigging himself up to his mates that’s a bit immature but it’s not the end of the world.

I wouldn't dismiss it as I had one like that- one he would do publically would be claiming a much higher salary than he earned. But with the women in his life it would go as far as claiming he'd be told he only had a few years to live, or asking for pics/videos from other women and worse.

Yeh to me the storytelling to mates, is one of the big clues you are dealing with a narcissist. If they lie about an event right in front of you that you know happened otherwise or they gave told to you differently, that is them essentially sure that they have you under their spell. Because you wont call them on it and they know it. And they can think tio themselves 'gotcha'.

And somewhere down the line, they'll be telling these same friends lies about you too. And you'll think, 'well I never called him out before, for a quiet life, or because I didn't think it was a big deal, or because I thought it would make me seem like I loved drama. So now people think he is this great lad altogether. And probably believe his stories about me too'. They may not of course. Thet probably know he is a bullshitter too. But seriously, its horrible knowing that this magnetic liar is getting away with talking all this shit, and u never said anything, you just let them continue. I mean, you couldn't really have said anything anyway, but you should have cut them from your life the moment they started telling stories to you or in front of you, that weren't true.