Would you/have you/when would you tell someone you have aspergers?

[ColdChickenSoup]

I've been dating someone for around 6 months now and I haven't told him because I'm worried it would change him wanting to he with me.

My reasons for wanting to tell him are: he would understand me better - I manage my traits well - I've learnt and I can mask but it is incredibly stressful/tiring for me to keep it up for any length of time - it would be nice to just be myself sometimes; he has 'experienced' it on a couple of occasions - he responded to me really well but I don't want him to ever think it's 'him'; I feel like I'm keeping a huge part of myself hidden from him; he has the right to decide he doesn't want to be with me if he chooses that. I need things from him (nothing manor) that I'm currently not getting and would be unlikely to if he doesn't know/understand that or why I need them.

So at what point have or would you tell someone?

I would think it needs to be disclosed if things are getting serious and you may have children - due to the genetic element.

However, if it's not serious and/or there would t be children, I wouldn't tell only because its irrelevant unless it causes issues in the relationship. Anecdotally, women with aspergers tend to work harder to mitigate their struggles so their marriages seem to experience less conflict than those involving men with aspergers. 💐

Thank you.

I'm in my 40s and only had a diagnosed a few years ago. It was definitely a factor in my marriage breaking down - both the traits; our combined lack of understanding of them; and no strategies to manage them. So there will be no children with this man.

It hasn't caused any problems so far but I do find it tiring masking all the time. And, sometimes, it would just be nice to have some of those needs met/acknowledged.

I tried ending it with him the other week. I had a meltdown. He didn't witness any of that. He just got the bottom line which was a message saying, "this isn't working for me". He responded really well and we are still together but, obviously, avoiding a meltdown in the first place would be better. He'd triggered it but had no idea he had done so and hadn't actually done anything 'wrong'. I want him to understand that it wasn't him. But also to understand how not to trigger it.

That kind of thing.

Most of it, he'll never be aware of but, for me, it is very stressful.

If its impacting your relationship then yes I think you should tell him. You shouldn't have to mask yourself all the time, you should be comfortable enough to let that mask slip when you need too. Just be honest with him if he doesnt take it well then hes an idiot and not worth your time anyway. Be proud of who you are. Aspergers is a part of you it doesnt define you.

My son has autism and tells people so they understand him better .
How would you feel if you found out your boyfriend had kept a secret from you for such a long time?

My daughters boyfriend has Asperger's & told her from the very beginning, as he wanted full disclosure & no secrets.
It made no difference to our DD & the way she sees him. In fact she loves the fact that he was so honest with her from the very beginning.
He is a fantastic lad & the whole family think the world of him

I'm sorry to pull out the 'if he likes you' thing, but its true. My dh puts up with a lot from me and catches me regularly when I get uber stressed etc. Drop it into conversation, hopefully it'll be a load off

I’m sorry to hear of your predicament and think it’s right that you do disclose. Out of interest what sort of support are you looking for?

OP, how does your aspergers affect you?
My DP has aspergers.
I would definitely tell him

It must be incredibly stressful feeling that you can't be your real self with someone. Aspergers is nothing to be ashamed of, if you had a physical illness wouldn't you tell him? I think you should tell him everything really honestly and you will feel so much better. If he responds badly then at least you know not to waste your time with him. But I think you should give him credit and I think he will surprise you. You really will feel so much better afterwards.

Just tell him, say mostly it's not a big deal, you just don't want to hide anything from him, this could be a long term relationship so be honest and stay honest x

Well, are you ok with the possibility he may decide it isn’t for him? A friend of mine’s husband only got a diagnosis in his 40s, and both their sons are far more seriously neurodivergent. It has been terribly difficult for her, and I think if she’d known she would not have had children with him.

I think youre treating it as if its something to be ashamed of and a personal flaw/failing, rather than being part of who you are and why you do the things you do, and thats a shame. It probably stems from the way youve always been made to feel by others.
Masking is a useful skill but its not a sustainable way to live full time. You deserve to be able to be yourself when at homein your personal life.
I think you should tell him. It is likely to not be as big a deal as you think
(im a fellow aspie btw)

Thank you all.

I'd feel awful if he'd kept something so big from me for so long. He is aware of some of it and other things I've told him about but i havent given it a name. He just smiles and hugs me and says "you're a little bit odd really arent you?" He's responded really well so far I just feel a bit awkward telling him I think. I've not had a relationship since I was diagnosed where I've wanted to be so up front about it. I want him to know.

In terms of what support I'm looking for - a good example would be him recognising if I start stimming that I'm feeling uncomfortable. I don't necessarily recognise that I'm feeling anxious and him recognising that and understanding it would be helpful.

Also, we went out before lockdown and I really struggled with a few aspects of the evening - we were meeting up with mutual friends and some friends of his I hadn't met before and he hadn't seen in a while and I knew he was looking forward speaking with them. He told me beforehand that he would be as a courtesy and he also introduced me to them and certainly didnt ignore me, but I found it really hard to find the balance between leaving him alone to catch up with his friends; being with him and spending time talking to them together. I completely ran out of social energy and ended up just sitting on my own because I didn't know what else to do.

He was brilliant - I told him I wasn't being 'funny' with him and wasn't being moody - because I wasn't and I could see him looking over to check I was ok. But I wouldn't want him to 'worry' if that happens because I'm actually ok or to think I'm being dramatic or manipulative - because it's neither. I just havent got the capacity to make the decisions or be sociable when it happens.

I also tried breaking up with him after I had a lockdown related meltdown. He didnt know anything of the meltdown, only the message I sent saying it wasnt working - which felt like the right thing to do at the time. Again, he replied saying that if it was really how I felt, he'd respect it but he'd like to talk and really didn't want to lose the relationship we'd got. I didn't really want to break up with him either, I just didnt have any other way of managing my feelings at the time. I wouldn't want that to become a pattern and I'd rather just be able to let him know I'm floundering and for him to understand what that means.

So really, I'd just like him to he aware and mindful and to recognise when I need space without taking it personally. Oh and not deliberately doing things that trigger me. My ex husband used to invite people over "tonight" and I couldn't cope with that. When he gave me 'notice' and I had time to prepare, it was easier. I still felt hugely anxious but at least I felt in control of it and managed it. He mainly refused to do that and so I just had meltdowns all the time. He's quite considerate so I don't think he'd be unhelpful, I just don't know what his experience of autism is - it doesn't seem to be extensive - so I'm more concerned about him having misconceptions.

Branleuse yes, I don't really know why i feel like that. I think I've made it into a bigger thing in my head than it needs to be.

Well, are you ok with the possibility he may decide it isn’t for him?

Yes, absolutely and its one of the reasons I want to tell him. I feel he has the right to decide whether or not he wants to be with me.

I'd rather he walked away because it wasn't for him than stayed with me because he didn't know. We wouldn't be having children so that doesn't need to be considered.

He sounds lovely. Good luck x

He sounds naturally very supportive of you. There is no reason to hide anything from him. Absolutely,
tell him and good luck, you both sound happy together and I so hope this all goes well for you.

Thank you! He is lovely but a little emotionally guarded and, as I tend to mirror who I am with at the time, this means I am too.

He has been supportive yes, so I think this has given me the confidence to say something. I've intended to a few times and lost my nerve. I'll tell him next time I speak with him. Which is also a bit difficult because I find talking on the phone hard and video calls a bit unpleasant but I'm getting better at both - theres not much alternative at the moment.

My ex told me very early on I think, we met on tinder and pretty sure he told me before we’d even met in person, or it might even have been on his profile.
Your boyfriend sounds lovely and I’m sure he will be happy you’ve opened up to him when you tell him!

You could tell him by text or even let him read this thread if you are uncomfortable face to face or over the phone. You wont need to look or wait for his initial reaction and he can respond in his own time and use the rest of lockdown processing the information. From what you have said about him already I doubt it will be a huge issue for him and may explain why you might of been "odd" as he put it at times. Good luck I hope it goes well and you can feel more relaxed in yourself around him

My ex has aspergers and didnt tell me for several months - but I had already figured it out long before then.

Maybe he will have too? Either way I think transparency is best. It might be hard at first but I bet he will be supportive and you will feel a weight off your shoulders.

OP you need to tell him but, and I say this in the nicest way possible, you need to be prepared that this may be a deal breaker for him.

Firstly, because you kept it from him for so long, for some people secrets like this are a deal breaker and that's ok.

Secondly for more nuanced reasons that I can only explain by giving an example.

I broke up with a boy who had aspergers shortly after he told me 4 months in. Firstly I didn't like the secrecy of it all but decided to let that go because I liked him. However once he told me he stopped masking certain behaviour which stemmed from it. He was more abrupt and sometimes came across rude which made me uncomfortable in certain situations. He also asked me not to do or say certain things which would trigger him and cause him meltdowns and asked to change the kind of dating we did and move away from dates in social situations and me taking him to parties and introducing him to my friends to more solitary dates. Together all of this was a dealbreaker for me. I did not want to live my life constantly on edge about what he might say. I did not want to date someone who I had to be so careful what I did/said around and I wanted to date someone who enjoyed the same kind of dating and life I did. I did not break up with him because he had aspegers, I ended it because I didn't like the behaviours is resulted in and how it manifested itself. Once he stopped masking he became a different person to me.

I'm not saying this will happen but you need to be prepared. You have been dating under a pretence and when this changes he has the right to decide he doesn't like the change. If I were you I would consider telling someone much earlier in the future so it's not a big deal, just drop it into conversation.

letitgolego I've already explained that I'm prepared for it to be a deal breaker for him and what I'd expect from him, which is nothing other than an understanding and awareness.

@ColdChickenSoup you need to discuss this soon. We are all different and bring strengths and challenges to our relationships. It will be incredibly difficult to mask forever, between you both you will need to develop boundaries and coping mechanisms, it needs to be a partnership.

Please tell him. He sounds great and that he will be supportive.

I have autism and am in a happy relationship with a neurotypical man. He knew about my autism before we got together.

We work hard at communication; we have a silent agreement that he doesn’t get offended when I need to push him for a more explicit and literal explanation but neither do I when he tells me I am repeating myself/over explaining!

Social occasions are always planned in advance (but he’s very introverted so wouldn’t make last minute plans anyway), we talk in advance about them. He tells me as much as he can about new people before I meet them so I have an idea of what to expect e.g. if that person has a very sarcastic sense of humour I can watch out for it, and we plan what to do if I get overwhelmed/ need a break!

We also now have a protocol for meltdown days; he makes sure I’m tucked up under a heavy duvet with food and water and then goes about his day like normal, with regular check ins.

He got a bit of a shock at how bad my bad days are at first as we met at work so he’d only seen my masking but we both have a sense of humour about it. He teases me gently sometimes and we have a good laugh about our supposed shortcomings as a couple.

It’s the happiest relationship I’ve ever been in and I must say it’s the only one since my diagnosis. We both use it as a tool; him to support me, but me to function as best I can/ be the best possible partner.

Your guy sounds great, I would think he would really appreciate knowing this about you and I don’t think you can mask forever in a relationship.

@user1471, this is how it should be, you are both exemplars of how to deal with challenges and not just ASC.