Would you/have you/when would you tell someone you have aspergers?

[ColdChickenSoup]

I've been dating someone for around 6 months now and I haven't told him because I'm worried it would change him wanting to he with me.

My reasons for wanting to tell him are: he would understand me better - I manage my traits well - I've learnt and I can mask but it is incredibly stressful/tiring for me to keep it up for any length of time - it would be nice to just be myself sometimes; he has 'experienced' it on a couple of occasions - he responded to me really well but I don't want him to ever think it's 'him'; I feel like I'm keeping a huge part of myself hidden from him; he has the right to decide he doesn't want to be with me if he chooses that. I need things from him (nothing manor) that I'm currently not getting and would be unlikely to if he doesn't know/understand that or why I need them.

So at what point have or would you tell someone?

user1471548941

That is exactly what I want! Your partner sounds lovely. The man I'm seeing is also quite introverted and he naturally told me about his friends before I met them, so that won't be a problem I dont think. I just wanted to let him get to know me first without seeing everything theough the lens of 'autism' or to he afraid of it due to any misconceptions. But I think he needs to know now. I don't mind a bit of gentle ribbing about it - I have a friend whose husband has aspergers. He and I have discussed it at length and she is very understanding. We often take the mickey out of ourselves and each other. As do my children.

And you're right. I can't mask forever.

Daftasabroom

I think I'm going to video call him this evening. It's better than talking on the phone in the absence of face to face!

We also now have a protocol for meltdown days; he makes sure I’m tucked up under a heavy duvet with food and water and then goes about his day like normal, with regular check ins.

This has reminded me of a lovely friend. He was the first person I told after my diagnosis and he was great about it. We went out somewhere for the day. We'd been really looking forward to it but I became completely overwhelmed and needed to get out of there. He could see the meltdown coming, took me back to his, wrapped me up on the sofa under a duvet, brought me endless tea and also checked in on me periodically as he went about his own stuff. People like that make all the difference. Now, I'm better at recognising the signs and would get myself out of there sooner so it didn't impact on someone else - if I could.

This is lovely. See it can range from being a hug3ly disabling thing, to actually being fairly ok to manage with a bit of understanding and commitment.
Im not convinced my partner is entirely neurotypical tbh, but he has no diagnosis and we are pretty understanding of each others needs and quirks most of the time.
If you tell him and he sees it as a dealbreaker or starts treating you as flawed because of it, then he was never the right one anyway. You cant live a lie. Not forever anyway

Thanks for the compliments!

It sounds like you will be just fine; I would say an ability to laugh about things really helps us. We rarely even bicker as we are far more likely to laugh at ourselves first and both use humour to accept if we were in the wrong! So if you’re already good at laughing and talking about it you have some good tools already.

And yes, having someone care for me in a meltdown is really lovely. I am always very conscious I don’t want my condition to negatively impact him but it seems to be a good balance.

And lastly I would say that remember if he doesn’t take it well then he’s not the person you thought he was anyway and therefore it’s not the right relationship for you.

Having ASC doesn’t exclude you the right to be in a happy relationship. It’s give and take, just like any relationship should be.

It's obviously completely up to you but since you've asked for opinions, I think it'd be nice to be honest with him. It can be very tough when someone breaks it off and in my opinion, a person won't put up with that for long - it's too diminishing and painful. An honest conversation could bring you closer. Asperger's is nothing to be ashamed of. He knows you for six months and I'm sure this will deepen his respect and love for you as well as your intimacy.

If you tell him and he sees it as a dealbreaker or starts treating you as flawed because of it, then he was never the right one anyway

Yes, exactly.

Spaceyspacey

I know. You're right. I'm very cross with myself but, at the time, it felt like the right thing to do for both of us. I'm not a manipulative person and feel incredibly guilty for it.

I think he deserves and explanation and would rather be able to tell him when I'm struggling than implode. He doesn't deserve to have his normal unsettled like that.

Could you say to him something like, hey, you know you said I was a bit odd/quirky at times, well I wanted to have a bit of a talk with you about that.....

I have autistic traits and I don't think it's something I would hide. The reason being that in this day and age it means decent people give you some leeway if you say the wrong thing by mistake etc.

Branleuse

Thanks. Yes, I think I'll say something like that.

NoMoreDickheads

I just havent really had the need to tell many people. I have a few friends with AS and they know, which is fine. But I've only told 3 NT friends.

One was quite dismissive and tried to reassure me there was nothing wrong with me; one was the guy who supported me through a meltdown and the other is very knowledgable regarding autism and she's great but she does have a tendency to treat me as though I'm "a bit special". She doesn't mean any harm by it but I feel that the friendship is no longer 'equal'. Just makes me a bit nervous about telling anyone else.

I'm going to try and call him this evening. I'm feeling very nervous about it now though!

Best of luck with it. Remember it is not something to be ashamed of. You’re just giving him a fuller picture of who you are. It might even help him to be less ‘emotionally guarded’. Who knows.

Just to offer a different opinion, I would make sure you feel you know him VERY well and trust him A LOT before you disclose. Disclosing does open women with aspergers up to being taken advantage of, manipulated, gaslighted, etc. It becomes very easy for the other person to blame everything on you and your aspergers. I think it’s important to keep that risk in mind.

Hopkinsscar

Thanks. I am aware of this and I've seen it done to other people with autism and it's, frankly, despicable. I don't think he'd do that but I don't really know him well enough.

Although it would be easy for him to do that anyway if he chose to - whether I told him or not because it is obvious and I come across as a bit naive and gullible generally. Apparently.

I have told him that its important to me that he is honest because I'm not very good at reading people or situations. And he has been honest but kind when answering me - I'm sure his directness would have upset some women but he has just been straightforward and I appreciate that - although I do think he found it uncomfortable. As much as anything, he needs to understand that I don't process/respond to things like 'other women'.

But I do think I can trust him.

But thank you for the warning!

I know what you mean about not wanting to be treated differently or patronised, but in your intimate relationship, its either be honest or attempt to live a lie. Whats the point in that

So, I told him. I'm so pleased that I did. I knew he'd 'experienced' it a couple of times but as I was explaining it, he just kept smiling and saying, "that makes so much sense now!"

He said it explained loads; that I had nothing to worry about; that he was really pleased I'd told him. He said he was relieved because he'd thought some of the stuff was because of him - which was what I didn't want.

Anyway, I'm so happy I did. Thank you for your support and encouragement. It meant a lot 😊

if you’re dumping him because you’re having meltdowns then tell him as this is unfair on him and probably a bit of a head fuck to be honest.

aw, well done op, great update

That is so lovely! Well done on finding yourself a good one!

Oooh, glad it went well.

It's less important with friends who already know you, but with new friends etc it can be helpful as I think it can mean decent people are more forgiving if you say/do the wrong thing.

I wasn't diagnosed until my 40s, either.

Best wishes xxxxx

Great update. Well done for being brave. It all paid off.

Good for you OP. 'Be yourself. Everyone else is taken.'

Thank you ❤

So pleased to read your update, well done!