Are these signs of a narcissist

[Confusedaboutthis01]

Hi. I’m wondering if this behaviour is narcissism or not, would appreciate some opinions.

Punishes me by silent treatment when I have made a reasonable request - leaving me feeling like what I have asked is wrong and I’m feeling confused and questioning my own behaviour

When I voice my feelings I’m met with ‘why are you trying to make me the bad person, do you know how you’re making me feel?’

I get complimented a lot when he’s feeling in a good mood but those compliments are thrown back at me later ‘see I am supporting you, I always say this to you (gives example of shallow compliment). You’re building this up in your head’

Small simple communications turn in to incomprehensible battles meaning I’m permanently left feeling like I cannot express or voice my concerns or opinions

I get told I make this person feel they are walking on egg shells, I’m controlling, I make them anxious and they fear being honest with me because of my over reactions to everything. This genuinely makes me question my own reality as those things are how this person makes me feel?! I bend over backwards to avoid arguments and appease them, how on earth is that controlling?

I have good strong relationships with my family and positive ones with work colleagues etc, this person does not. They are always in conflict with someone - and it’s never ever their fault.

This person has been in my life for two years now and I had a breakdown about 10 months ago as I just couldn’t cope with the way they made me feel.

Could someone tell me if this behaviour is out of the ordinary or is he just a bit of an arse?
Thanks in advance

Another thing I missed actually - and this one really fucking annoys me - when I’m talking he actively ignores me and looks around, adjusts his clothing etc then just replies with a ‘mmm’ and goes on to say something totally irrelevant. When my grandmother passed away I tried talking to him about it as if been in the hospital with her that day and he just then went on to say how many of his targets he hit in work that day..... it was so bizarre and I felt worthless.

He also will talk for hours about himself and the things he’s done in life without any invitation to share those things.

No one here is in a position to diagnose a personality disorder via your post, but this person sounds like a right PITA, so why not cut them out of your life?

Gaslighting. Making you question your own sanity. I have lots of experience of this. My ex did it, my former boss did it and my DF does it. My DF also has an absolute lack of empathy for how his words or actions make other people feel. I don’t know if he consciously does this or there is a wire loose in his head (so to speak). I told my DF the other day that one of my best friends is dying (he has 6 months max) and my DFs reaction was that he has friends who have had cancer. No acknowledgement whatsoever of my pain or sympathy for my friend.
I’ve been round the houses looking for advice and explanations about my DFs behaviour. He causes me such pain. I always get the same advice, that I should limit contact with him for my own emotional health. I do think gaslighting and narcissism go hand in hand with a total lack of sympathy or empathy. It’s very very draining to deal with because the narcissist has no wish or ability to see that there is anything wrong with their behaviour at all. You can’t change them because they don’t think they need to change. My advice is to walk away.

Narcissist or not, he's a wanker who treats you like shit. If labelling will help you get away from him before he completely, and deliberately, destroys your self esteem and mh, then yes I will diagnose him as a grade A, top of the range narcissist!

And none of his behaviour is 'normal'.

I can’t cut him out sadly, we have a DC

Also I should say, we aren’t together anymore. But trying to navigate a healthy level of contact between us is impossible. He’s so Jekyll and Hide I never know what I’m dealing with at the door when he collects our child.

@Aminuts23
It’s shit isn’t it. I just don’t understand this type of behaviour I’ve never experienced it until I met him. I think I’m making myself worse trying to find reasons and I often blame myself but I know in my moments of clarity I haven’t done anything to justify the treatment and punishments I get. I need to find a way to not let it affect me, I’m currently having counselling but we haven’t spoken about him really it’s mainly about coping with how I feel as a person most of the time now. I’m hoping when I talk in more detail about his behaviours I may be given some tips. I just needed to air this. No one seems to understand the invisible torture.

OP invisible torture is what it is. I’ve had it my whole life. Walking on eggshells, huge anxiety when I know he’s upset with me waiting for the punishment. It’s only in my 40s I’m recognising what it is and trying to protect myself more. With mixed success really. I still crave his approval. It’s bloody ridiculous really because he gives no shits how I feel

@aminuts23 I totally relate to all of that. I feel for you I can’t imagine the effect that’s had on you when you’ve dealt with it your whole life. I really admire you for being able to get through that - it takes such strength. These people can break you in so many ways.

I could literally have written part of this. I'm in the process of probably ending our marriage. I don't know what it is called and it's taken me 13 years to work out it's not right. But as you have said, accusing me of never listen whilst always talking over the top of me. Having no sympathy for me, not in pregnancy, when suffering from PND or endometriosis, yet accusing me of doing just that. Accusing me of curtailing his freedoms, whilst sulking for months about me going to France for a week last year, the first time I had ever done something on my own. He has accused me in the past of making him give up a sport and being controlling. I spoke to a good friend about this recently as it came up in an argument AGAIN. She maintained that when we talked about it as the time, I had actually just asked him to meet me in the middle and give up some of the evenings and perhaps not play on a Saturday every weekend (he was out every week night evening apart from Friday, when I had to work, and then all day Saturday for the whole summer, and I basically felt like I lived on my own). In a fit of rage he threw the whole thing in, despite me never asking him to, and still holds it against me, 6 years later!

He will be nasty and spiteful, admitting he says stuff to hurt and then will be pissed off with me when I and distant and not affectionate towards immediately afterwards.

He has call me a narcissist, delusional, pathetic. He makes me doubt myself constantly. He criticises me and then denies that's what he meant. God as I write this I realise what a nob he actually is!

I don't think it really needs a label other than 'wanker' to be perfectly honest.

Think about how he makes you feel and if you want to waste years of your life feeling that way?

Grey rocking may help you cope. Make yourself as dull and uninteresting to him as possible. Don’t give him any personal information about your life other than what is necessary for the wellbeing of your child. The Out of The Fog website has some really helpful information on how to move forward.

@JustBeingMoi I fee for you, I really really do. I can relate to the PND as well. When I said I was diagnosed with PND I got met with ‘well do you not think this is hard for me to?’ And it’s never been mentioned again. He minimised it and just made out I’m pathetic for not being able to cope with normal emotion. As you will know all too well, PND is not ‘normal’ emotion. And also, giving up on the sport entirely and blaming you for it - my god - I can also relate to that too. That’s something that has happened a lot about various things. I hope things get better for you.

@cookiesandcream27 you’re right. Wanker just about sums him up!!

@fanthorpe thank you I will take a look at that website I appreciate your help

Yep, sounds narcissistic all right. I was married to one of those, too. Incomprehensible battles -shudder- Awful memories!

We share DC still and will for years yet. I definitely do grey rock at handovers. Sometimes I get Jekyll, sometimes Hyde - more often I hear about his Hyde side through the DCs. But I hope the examples you have given of interactions with him are historical? Say as little as possible at handovers and do all communication by WhatsApp or email. Makes it easier to switch off. I left XH seven years ago now, so it's easier than it was, but I still see messages come in from him think, nah. I'm not reading that now. Occasionally I forget what he can be like, but it's really better always to keep up your defences.

As you can't block him completely because of DC, do the minimum you have to to keep things civil, and block his comments out if your mind if you can. Other than things concerning your child don't give him any head space.

Awful. Definitely abusive, but don’t worry about labels.

It’s no way to live and you need to get out of there, child or not.

I can relate to so much of this, especially you @JustBeingMoi.

My partner always comments on how controlling I am and how I don’t let him do what he wants or have stopped him from doing stuff. He considers it controlling that I ask him to help with the children and housework. I’ve apparently stopped him from playing golf (he used to have his friend stay every Saturday night, they would get up late and then he would go and play golf all day - I had no issue with him playing golf but it annoyed me that he didn’t help with our two children at all before going and got a lay in despite the fact he was leaving me alone all day. And he eventually stopped playing as his friend stopped talking to him!). I’ve also apparently stopped him from playing on the PlayStation - nothing to do with the fact we have children!

Also the same with not listening. He rarely listens to me - either ignores me and plays on his phone or whatever, or minimises whatever concerns I’ve expressed with telling me I’m being silly.

I’m glad I’ve read others are going through the same thing as I was genuinely starting to wonder if it was me who was in the wrong.

Seeing that you only known him two years did none of his true personality surface before you had kids?

Of course. Silent treatment alone is not normal.

But just because you have kids doesn't mean you cant cut him out. Basically, anyway.

Have him blocked on everything bar one phone. Never respond to anything on that unless it's about the kids. Never let him in your house. If you have to drop the kid round his/pick up then do it fast and somewhere public. 3 minutes. Read up on the grey rock technique for that. Even better if a relative can do thr drop offs for you.

6 minutes of your time per week, that's all he should take up of your time. And your headspace.

Ideally, the children would be kept away from him. But I understand that isnt as simple.

He's a narc at best and emotionally abusive at worst! You have watched Corrie lately right ? He sounds like Geoff your feelings don't matter all that matters are his feelings and his needs and this is how it will always be take it from me and get out fast

Yes. Subtle but awful and I feel for you OP. They really can turn it around on to you can't they, so one minute you know it's them then the next minute your thoughts 'flip' and you think 'is it actually me'? Really fucks with your head.

There do seem to be an alarming number of men out there who call women controlling for asking literally anything of them or showing any displeasure within the relationship. Highly effective weapon for putting women on the back foot and shutting them down. That coupled with the silent treatment. And they call us controlling.

notacooldad people make all kinds of mistakes in relationships, we don’t always see people how they really are when we’re in love.

Are you saying it’s her own fault she’s struggling with him now because she should have spotted him before she had a baby?

@notacooldad yes they did. But I didn’t realise it was so wrong. I know it made me feel low but I always blame myself for a lot of things and I assumed I was treated that way because I was the problem but it’s becoming clear to me that I am not

@notacooldad I feel your attempt at simplifying what often involves a complex pattern of psychological belittling and abuse is quite odd may I add.

confused if he is prone to being controlling in his relationships he will have picked up your vulnerability early on and exploited it, please don’t blame yourself. Trust is important, it’s not a failure.

Unfortunately you’ll have learned to be more cynical now.