Are these signs of a narcissist

[Confusedaboutthis01]

Hi. I’m wondering if this behaviour is narcissism or not, would appreciate some opinions.

Punishes me by silent treatment when I have made a reasonable request - leaving me feeling like what I have asked is wrong and I’m feeling confused and questioning my own behaviour

When I voice my feelings I’m met with ‘why are you trying to make me the bad person, do you know how you’re making me feel?’

I get complimented a lot when he’s feeling in a good mood but those compliments are thrown back at me later ‘see I am supporting you, I always say this to you (gives example of shallow compliment). You’re building this up in your head’

Small simple communications turn in to incomprehensible battles meaning I’m permanently left feeling like I cannot express or voice my concerns or opinions

I get told I make this person feel they are walking on egg shells, I’m controlling, I make them anxious and they fear being honest with me because of my over reactions to everything. This genuinely makes me question my own reality as those things are how this person makes me feel?! I bend over backwards to avoid arguments and appease them, how on earth is that controlling?

I have good strong relationships with my family and positive ones with work colleagues etc, this person does not. They are always in conflict with someone - and it’s never ever their fault.

This person has been in my life for two years now and I had a breakdown about 10 months ago as I just couldn’t cope with the way they made me feel.

Could someone tell me if this behaviour is out of the ordinary or is he just a bit of an arse?
Thanks in advance

Are you saying it’s her own fault she’s struggling with him now because she should have spotted him before she had a baby?
To be frank yes. She says she has children which implies more than one with a guy that she has met and split up from in two years.
Why women dont get to know men before they jump into the fire so quick i'll never know.

What was the rush that you couldn't get to know each other first before having kids which alters the course of your life for ever.
Op it's not an attempt at simplifying things. Its blindingly obvious you dont know the 'real guy' straight away.
And he's not a bit of an arse. He is a nasty piece of shit .
Now that you are linked to him youve got to learn techniques to stop him drivng you down.
The good thing is you are out of the relationship. You need to keep yourself safe from him. As others have said keep any information about you to yourself. How does he have contact with the kids? Dont engage with chit chat,even if he seems friendly. Just keep reminding yourself he will use it against you at some point.

@maria860 I haven’t been watching it actually - that story line but that sounds like him, only his feelings do matter which makes me so sad for our DC. I hope he only has it in for me and doesn’t ever rub off on her.

@Antibles exactly it’s the subtlety that’s hard to deal with as well as people on the outside just cannot see the situation for what it truly is which is really difficult

@Wanderlust21 when you put it like that it seems so manageable. 6 minutes a week will be wonderful - at the moment it’s the headspace he takes up even when we aren’t in contact that cripples me, constantly wondering what battle is next and how he’s going to despise me when I stand my ground which I always end up needing to do because he’s so unreasonable but I need to work on that and own the fact that I can control how much he affects me

@Fanthorpe thank you

@notacooldad
I hear you and what you’re saying is wise. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. It is just one child that we share as well, I must’ve worded something wrong previously apologies.
I do maintain that you’re simplifying things slightly though because you ask why ‘women’ are so quick to jump in to the fire. Many aren’t and wouldn’t have made the decisions I did and therefore would probably of realised he is a piece of shit before they are tied to him for the best part of the rest of their life. There are a bunch of variables to everyone’s circumstances and many things that influence the choices we make. I guess what I can take away from this as a positive is that I’m so aware now and I certainly won’t be ignoring red flags or poor behaviour again that’s for sure. But I do see the point your making and you’re right in the sense that it would be better to have waited but of course I wouldn’t have my DD if I were to have done that so I can’t think that way it’s just not helpful in finding constructive ways to move forward from here.
Our DD is 1 so we still sadly have to communicate with each other. This week has been a living hell which is what prompted me to post, I just hope with time this calms down but I can’t see it happening. I know it’s up to me to maintain strict boundaries and I’m hoping I’ll be able to achieve that with the right approach. And yes this week I have actively not engaged in chit chat because that does seem to keep me sucked in to the game but my resistance is what’s caused the shit storm this time round, I know it’s for the best though so I’m really sticking to my guns there

You don't need a label. He treats you horribly. I hope you accept you deserve more for your life than this horrible entity.

There is a vlogger on narcissistic abuse (I think its Chris something..I'll check next time I'm in YouTube) on youtube who talks about the fact that they only have the brainspace we give them. That yes, they are always up to something but often through the worrying we do about what next - we become our own worst enemy.

Yes they are constantly gonna goad us and provoke arguments. But instead of standing our ground defending ourselves (farting against thunder) we can just walk away. We can realise that we dont have to justify ourselves to them. That what they think or pretend to think, in order to get a reaction really doesn't matter.

Practice walking away, hanging up the phone, not reply to texts that are about things that arent his business. Practice telling yourself you dont have to explain or justify anything to him.

Otherwise all you are doing is fighting his battle for him.

Oh - the youtube blogger Is Richard Grannon.
I like melanie tonia Evans on YouTube too. But really there are lots of great youtubers on narcissists and coping/getting free strategy.

Op, well done for getting away and not giving him more years.

You are in a transitional phase and you sound like you are looking for the tools to manage this awful.

Great advice above.

Small phone just for contact with him.

Practice grey rock techniques.

No information.

No chit chat.

Note any abusive language or threats.

Log any with 101.

It may be useful going forward.

Personally I'd be looking to see if I could move far away but I appreciate that might be difficult.

CBT can be helpful.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid?

Get any support and help you can.

You'll get there

I’m not sure if mumsnet will show if this is out of the ordinary as a lot of us are on here for the same reason.
My DH is similar. Used to do silent treatment. Would talk about himself only, if I tried to join in and talk about my work, he’d say let’s not talk about work but somehow he was allowed to.
And when I did a driving course with work, my MIL asked me about it - told her that the instructor thought I did really well and thought it wouldn’t be too hard for him to get me to the advanced level. DH came out with stuff about how he’s a better driver and could pass an advanced driving qualification - even if he could, we were still talking about me and my experience. When I was a finalist 3 years in a row in a international competition (work industry) - all his family congratulated me, but he said it must be easy.
Same with how he says he walks on eggshells when I am walking on eggshells.
Luckily he moved out before lockdown.

What I do when he’s ranting is try to do the grey rock technique and limit time with him to a couple of minutes.

Pp the 'one upping' is classic narcissist. You have a dingy, they have a cruise ship. You passed your, exams? Remember that time they passed theres and got all A+! You have had a hard day? There day was waaaaay harder.

Well done getting yourself out!

Their

You’ll find if you have a look at some of the resources mentioned above there are patterns to the behaviour. The things he does and says will be quite predictable in fact. Once you know what to expect it actually gets a bit easier to keep cooler.