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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What do I do about him?

32 replies

LemonTiramisu · 09/05/2020 13:16

Some years ago I got approached by a man, and we hit it off immediately. It's one of those strange scenarios where two people that have just met are instantly deeply connected. We very quickly feel deeply for each other, and we learned that we have a very unique and incredible sexual chemistry. It was a very strange relationship, though, because I was definitely emotionally invested on one hand, but on the other hand I didn't want to be in a relationship with anybody (I'm scared of getting hurt, so I avoid relationships). After a few years of him trying to get me to commit to him, to no avail, he became more and more emotionally distant with me, and just focused on our sexual relationship entirely. I mostly didn't mind that, but I did eventually start feeling like a piece of meat to him. I still didn't want a relationship, but I started craving assurance that he cares about me aside from the sex. I didn't get that assurance. He told me he couldn't be as emotional with me as I wanted him to be, because he's hurting. He said it was too hard for him to get rejected (relationshipwise), so he felt a need to take his emotions out of the equation. I didn't argue with it, because I totally understood where he was coming from...but the lack of emotional intimacy meant we slowly drifted apart. We have had sporadic contact for 1.5 years, but up until yesterday, I hadn't talked to him since he wished me a happy birthday in the summer of 2019.

I received a message from him yesterday, out of the blue. It wasn't a big deal, and there was no animosity between us. I just wasn't sure what he was contacting me for, at first. He soon told me he needed to give me the "raw truth" - which is basically that he wants to pick up on our sexual relationship again. He understands that I can't give him what he wants (a relationship), but he's prepared to accept things on my terms.

Here's the thing, though: A friend of mine told me last year that he has a girlfriend. I kept waiting for him to tell me about her yesterday. I even asked him multiple times, in different ways, if he's with someone. He just avoided my question. I eventually asked him directly, and he told me he cares deeply for me, feels protective of me and didn't want to upset me by answering my questions about his relationship status. He also said he didn't answer my questions, because he still wants to be with me, and doesn't want to ruin any potential chances by giving me a straight answer. I told him I wasn't going to get upset at all, so he confirmed he is with someone. When I told him I'm really happy for him, he responded "well, I'm not. She's not you. If you told me right now that you want me, she'd be gone" - and then started making propositions and advances (both for a relationship and sex).

Don't worry, I would never dream of being a complicit in cheating so I'm ignoring his advances. But I'd lie if I said I'm not falling for him all over again. He finally gave me the assurance that I needed (that he cares about me), and our sexual chemistry is indeed out of this world. But I neither want to take part in cheating, nor do I want him to leave his girlfriend when I can't take her place (as his new girlfriend).

What do I do? Should I just ask him to leave me alone? Maybe block him? Should I try to get over my commitment fears and finally give him a chance? I really don't know...

OP posts:

Menora · 09/05/2020 13:22

What on Earth are you falling for in this conversation. I can’t see the part where it would be obvious this discussion would make a woman want to be with this man

This seems like a game and you enjoy it too
You like that he wants you
The self respecting thing to do for yourself would be to just block and move on

He sounds like a pig

yellowbrickwhorl · 09/05/2020 13:24

He wants to have his cake and eat it.

Menora · 09/05/2020 13:25

Also this is all very romantic in the first para

Reword it...
You both like shagging each other
You don’t like him enough to be in a relationship with someone
He is trying to cheat on his unsuspecting GF who he doesn't even like

He would drop you like a stone if you gave him what you think he wants. He just wants the ego boost

Holothane · 09/05/2020 13:26

Get rid he’s a time waster and not honest either.

JoesExotic · 09/05/2020 13:30

He fancies an affair, you're his easiest option. HTH.

MashedSpud · 09/05/2020 13:30

He wants sex.

He will tell you anything he knows you want to hear to achieve his goal.

Don’t fall for it.

Chestnut23 · 09/05/2020 13:46

Does he even know about lockdown?

leolion81 · 09/05/2020 13:49

What part of that makes you think he cares about you? He's telling you what you want to hear to get you in bed because he's bored and sees you as an easy lay. He's probably trying it on with a few women and seeing which one is daft enough to bite.

noyoucannotcomein · 09/05/2020 13:49

He's clearly a twat, but I also think you can't handle not being wanted and being the one in control. He pulled back and that's when you decided you needed more. Maybe you just want what you think you can't have. Too many games.

blueskys72 · 09/05/2020 13:51

What is a "unique" sexual attraction?

He's a chancer, maybe clever with words and manipulating feelings, but still a cheating chancer.

TheThingWithFeathers · 09/05/2020 13:53

Well he sounds like a charmer. Block him.

Original poster

LemonTiramisu · 09/05/2020 13:53

I agree that it's concerning that he'd be with someone he doesn't really like, not to mention go behind her back. It's a side of him I have never seen before in the many years I have known him. When I met him he had no history of cheating on anyone, and him and I were exclusive for years. It's not something I assume he was, it's something I absolutely know he was. I don't want to out him too much, but he's changed a lot over the past two years. Willingness to cheat is a new thing he has picked up.

But I feel like you have completely misunderstood the rest of my post. I'm neither an easy option or uninterested in him. As I already mentioned, I have serious fears about getting hurt, so I avoid relationships for that reason alone. I wish I didn't have this fear, but I do.

I also mentioned that our relationship is not superficial. It's not a matter of him and I enjoying "shagging", there's a lot more to it that's really hard to briefly describe on a forum thread. Aside from his shitty behaviour and attitude towards his girlfriend, which, as mentioned, is something that has really taken me by surprise as it's not like him...he's not the womaniser you're making him out to be. I'm not saying that to defend him, because I'm not about defending people that don't deserve it. But he's not out there approaching women from left to right. The only people involved are him, his girlfriend and me. That's bad enough, I know that. He's chosen to be with someone he doesn't really care about (for God knows what reason), and in return, he just doesn't treat her with care and respect. It's not how he has ever treated me, I can assure you.

Sorry, I just wanted to clarify all of the assumptions. Again, it's really hard to describe our relation briefly, so it may have come across as if it's a regular affair situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

LemonTiramisu · 09/05/2020 13:56

Also, I'm not playing any games. I wasn't the one who contacted him out of the blue. I was just minding my own business accepting things as they were. It's not like I got in touch with him as soon as I realised he has a girlfriend, because she made me realise I want him for myself. That's not how it is...I didn't evne think about him until he contacted me yesterday. Old feelings awoke, and I'm simply confused about them. But I think you are all right, it's not a good idea to go there.

OP posts:

SeriouslyRetro · 09/05/2020 14:03

How old are you?

This is all very naval gazing self indulgent really isn’t it?

If you don’t want a relationship then it’s shagging. Or no shagging and friends. If you like each other and your exclusively shagging then you’re in a relationship. But you’re too ‘special’ to be like the ordinary plebs (who bloody love it when they get hurt in a relationship!) to just call it a relationship, so you make up some nonsense to induce said hurt/fear.

SharkAttack1972 · 09/05/2020 14:03

His girlfriend is probably pregnant and he is looking elsewhere for sex. That is what came to mind when I read it x

Original poster

LemonTiramisu · 09/05/2020 14:07

Oh my God, please stop trying to analyse me and the situation. You couldn't be more far off with your assumptions. Please just stick to the information I have provided you with - if there was more I thought you should know in order to advice me I would have disclosed those information, believe me.

I never called anyone a pleb, and I don't think I have said anything to insinuate I view anyone as a pleb. Just because I talk about my own fears doesn't mean I look down upon those that don't share my fear..

OP posts:

Musti · 09/05/2020 14:08

You both sound at best emotionally unavailable. You just want sex but want more but then don't want it. He's either a player or in love with you and upset he can't have you.

userabcname · 09/05/2020 14:10

Ugh. The fact he is now actively looking to cheat should be a huge red flag to you! Of course he's going to sell it like it's because of your amazing chemistry blah blah blah, but the fact of the matter is that if he was any kind of decent person he'd break up with his gf before pursuing interests elsewhere. You also don't know who else he's contacting for the same reason. He sounds like a scumbag. Maybe he wasn't when you knew him before but his true colours are showing now! I'd block and ignore.

Original poster

LemonTiramisu · 09/05/2020 14:10

I shouldn't have come to this forum. I'll be gone again.

OP posts:

ImDillDandin · 09/05/2020 14:12

Well you have two realistic options; go for it and commit to a relationship with him, or cut contact completely. You say you don't want a relationship but that a friends with benefits situation isn't enough. You want him to care about you but not to care too much.

Sadly, unless you do some work on yourself and your fear of commitment, I think you should cut contact.

Being a bit cynical, he may really want you because he knows he can't have you. Many men do like the chase. So a 'normal' relationship could prove to be quite short-lived, and then your fear of being hurt becomes reality and the circle continues.

lostfrequencies · 09/05/2020 14:14

You need to work to get over your commitment issues but not by shagging him.

JoesExotic · 09/05/2020 14:15

Two things: An affair with this man will reaffirm the already deep seated belief you have that you will 'get hurt' because this man's actions are confirming your bias.

Also, You're leaving the forum because you're not getting the answers you want/like as these answers go against what you want and reaffirm your deepest fears.

The only way is through.

JoesExotic · 09/05/2020 14:19

And actually this IS who he is and if you'd stayed with him, YOU would be the partner at home while he was off looking for a bit extra. 100%.

Menora · 09/05/2020 14:30

He hasn’t spoken to you in a year?? This is not a deep and meaningful connection. He did not even tell you he had a girlfriend. He doesn’t view you as his soulmate

You really do need to look at this in the other light - objectively. If you make decisions based on emotion and fear you will always be in the same situation

Menora · 09/05/2020 14:37

The way you have written your post is not the whole issue, all it does is expose how you view him.
You view him as a ‘safe’ option who will always come back to you, because you have all the power and dangled him along without commitment. You can keep saying there is no emotional relationship but fact is, you do feel emotions for him and you are not in control of the relationship to protect yourself.

That is not what is really happening. He has been able to use your fears to keep coming and going, you will never meet someone like him again, with this chemistry, he would never hurt you because you are so special, he can’t even tell you something painful (like he is not single) for your own good!

You are just leading yourself into more and more heartache. It’s dysfunctional basically

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