A month on. Still missing him.

[Jojobar]

It's been a month now since it ended with my ex.
I've done angry, and sad, and back round again several times.
I had a dream a few nights ago that he had died of Covid 19, woke up sobbing and spent all the next day in tears.
I've done angry, and empowered too. And completely down where all I do is sit around and eat.
And today I just miss him. Miss the great times we had together, miss laughing with him, miss hugs. It's so weird to think I'll never see or touch him again.

I have no one in RL to talk to about this, my kids (teenagers, not his) don't even know we've split up. The person whose advice I value the most is him. Not contacting him is hard.

OP, I think you need to stop reminiscing with rose tinted specs about the good times, and focus more on why it ended. If it was so fab, and you were so right for each other, it wouldn’t have ended!
Something obviously wasn’t good, and at least one of you wanted out.
Think about that, about what was missing or went wrong, and learn from it so you know what to look out for in a new relationship, once you are ready to start dating again.
This period of lockdown is a perfect chance for some careful reflection and self analysis.

I have done that. He behaved badly to me and refused to apologise for something quite important. But that doesn't negate the previous 6 years, the fact he was my best friend and the person I discussed everything with.

I have thought about what I want, I know it has to be the positive aspects of our relationship of which there were many, the sake level of physical, mental and emotional attraction PLUS being able to apologise and acknowledge when you're wrong.

It's hard when you've spent 6 years discussing everything with one person, losing that overnight especially when you don't have anyone else around you.

I'm so sorry - a broken heart is a horrible thing, especially at the moment. I split with my BF during the lockdown as well. Things I've found helpful - keep busy - don't allow your brain the space to think about him. I've scraped wallpaper, washed down woodwork, done loads of small DIY jobs, worked in the garden and painted anything that wasn't moving.

I also read a booked called Its Called a Breakup because it's broken. (£2.99 on kindle download). It's a bit of a harsh read, but it was what I needed. I was very guilty of looking at the relationship through rose tinted glasses. He wasn't the great guy I thought he was, I made excuses for his behaviour. I deserved a lot better and I will get it. The breakup has allowed me that possibility now.

Don't drink or eat too much- you will feel worse as you pile on the pints and wake up with a fuzzy head - plus you're more likely to make a phone call you regret (the book has some v. good advice on this). Care about yourself like you were looking after a friend.

Of course you will miss him, he was a huge part of your life. There was also a time in your life when he was not in it and you managed perfectly well then. Its natural to want back what we had, the familiarity, the comfort, the security of it. You feel lost and not sure what to do next, you have no road map of there you are going. Except you do. I try and look on the relationship as a chapter in my book of life. I wanted it to be the last chapter, but it's not going to be, however much I want that. So I can wallow for the next few months, picking myself apart and wondering how I can get that man back, or I can take a deep breath, draw a line under it and accept its over.

Its sucks big time, and the early days just feel like ground hog day, but you'll get there. One day you will wake up and he won't be the first thing you think of, I promise.

If you google the stages of grief you will understand why you are feeling this way. It is much the same as grief when a relationship ends. It’s the future aswell as the past you miss.
Don’t beat yourself, this is normal and you are only human. Your need to process this and if you need to sit and cry - do it. Get it all out.
Bring it back to you though. What do you want to do? A hobby, read more, things you now have time for DO THEM. Make a list, see, hope and think about the future.
As others have said it wasn’t a great relationship or you would still be together , remind yourself he may not be in your life anymore but YOU are not in his. It’s his loss. He’ll never get another YOU.
It might feel too soon but get on dating apps and at least have a flirt and take you head out of thinking he is the only man for you - he isn’t !
If it helps write a list of his bad points and when you feel sad read the list and stop the rose tinted glasses. It will be fine, we had all been there heartbreak is horrific but it will make you stronger and more determined in time. Believe that.

Given that when I posted here before the consensus seemed to be that my original expectations (,which my ex matched) were too high, it's difficult to convince myself I'll get someone better.

I don't drink so I won't drunk contact him. I did manage before him but not as well as with him, I was never that happy. I've achieved a lot of things in the course of our relationship that I would not have accomplished but for him. It was the first time I'd not felt on my own since losing my parents 20 years earlier. So it's hard to forget all that and move on even though I don't have any choice but to do so.

I get it. You had to do what you did to maintain your own standard and sense of self worth. But you miss him. I get this. I ended it with a man who just wouldn't call me his girlfriend and it was hard. Especially when things happened and he didn't know them. I went for an interview and couldn't discuss it with him. I didn't get the job and i couldn't tell him. But he had only ever been there for me (and he was really, really there) on a day at a time basis. He gave 100% but on a day to day -to be reviewed basis. Weird. I know I did the right thing. Absolutely know that.

The first 6 weeks were the hardest and after week 6 it started to get a lot easier.

It must have been something completely unforgivable if it caused the split of a wonderful 6 year relationship. Are you sure that's the only issue there was?

He poked me in an argument, didn't understand why that distressed me and refused to apologise or try to see why I was upset or why it was such a big deal to me.

Unfortunately I felt in those circumstances I had no choice but to end it. It doesn't mean I don't love him, I just couldn't ignore it.

I should add he'd never behaved in that way before but the fact he wouldn't apologise (not there and then, we spoke 5 days after it happened, his view was it was just one of those things) and couldn't see my point meant I had to call it a day. Because I couldn't risk it happening again, or something worse. He is much taller and bigger than me.

No is this the guy from AIBU who was really horrible to you? And pompous IMO

You need to write a list of all his horrible traits and behaviours and read them when you feel like this. Honestly it does help. Every time you get a pang, read the list of all the things you don’t like about him.

I don't think I'd describe him as pompous. He's definitely got flaws, but so have I. I'm trying not to think about him at all, or when I do to remember those flaws, it's just difficult.

Sorry you are feeling so down and missing him. I don't suppose the current restrictions are helping either. I remember your original thread and have re-read your opening post and, I have to say, he didn't sound great, it wasn't just the poking, there was lots of things. Hope time will show that you will be happier without him, it's just shit at the moment. Hope you have someone IRL who knew him and can talk you down and make you feel better.

We all told you he sounded awful. He didn’t just have ‘flaws like everyone else’ he was an idiot and sounded all kinds of self important selfish with a history of twat behaviour

Normal to miss someone but look back at this factually, not emotionally with misty eyes

I don't have anyone I can speak to in RL unfortunately, which is why I've been posting on here.

He did behave poorly however he did also bring a lot of positives to my life. I was happier with him than I ever have been BUT what he did was wrong and I couldnt overlook it. I know I made the right decision, the only decison I could have but it's hard to be optimistic about whats ahead right now.

You could look up some online counselling/therapy?

I just think if you are not careful, you will talk yourself back into being with him because you seem to have no hope that anything will be good again and he was your only hope of happiness. You need to focus on addressing the gaps in your life for yourself

I won't be getting back together with him. He won't change how he feels and I can't back down from what I know is right.

My life before him was worse than when he was around...obviously I hope that at some point in the future I'll get back to something like that with someone else but it seems a lot to hope for.

OP, you seem to think that your only two options are getting back with him, or being lonely and miserable for the rest of your life!
There are literally millions of other men out there, at least some of whom would make much better partners than your ex. And many women lead very full and happy single lives too.
I agree with Menora’s suggestion of counselling, to help you to move on from this breakup and look for a happier future.

I can't do much about the gaps in my life. I always wanted a partner and to be part of a family, to fill the gap left by having no parents or other relatives. I created a family for myself by having children, but they are now adults and dont really need me on a day to day basis and will leave home soon.

Honestly Op yes you can fill the gaps. You don’t go out to find a partner to fill them for you - look at it this way, are you expecting a man to take on the role of all the relatives/DC left home/friends you don’t have? One person to do all that? Or could you fill some gaps and find other ways to feel fulfilled and content with the life you do have? I don’t have the life I expected either. But I have one

I have spent years trying to build friendships, but they all have families and partners, they don't need my friendship and so things drift. I always need friends more than they need me. They can talk to their mums or sisters, or their partner. Or other closer friends. I've always been told I expect too much of friends, they can't be there as family or a partner would. Which is true. But means there isn't a solution is there?

And as for my life being miserable without him...I don't think it's miserable as such (well right now it is, but not in general). It was just always better with him than even the best days were without him. Which is why I'm struggling now.

I remember your threads. Maybe reach out to him, he didn’t hit you if I remember- it was a poke? You clearly are struggling without him so maybe give it another go?

If you'd been together for a fair while and he generated an argument out of nowhere, and he hasn't reached out to you in the last month I don't think you should reach out to him.

It doesn't look like he regrets generating this argument. The outcome of the argument was that you split up, and in the last month he hasn't come back to you with any sort of petition that you forgive that or try to move around it??

Give it another two weeks op. Also listen to guided meditations on line about how to feel stronger and happier after a break up. There are a lot of things on youtube.

No don’t reach out to him. It wasn’t just a poke. It was a very unhealthy relationship. He isn’t sorry and has no remorse

Oh OP I'm sorry you're feeling so low. But don't rewrite history especially if it's making you feel even worse. If I remember rightly he cheated and was very selfish, he wasn't a kind man. He may have done some kind things - everyone has good and bad qualities. But he did lots of things that added to your existing trauma and that's not something that the good bits of someone can outweigh. I'm sorry it's so shit, I just hate the thought of you thinking of his positives if it's making you sadder when his negatives were so grim

The argument was started by me, but his reaction was on him. When we spoke a week later he wanted to just pick things back up, it was my insistence on an apology and his refusal, that meant we were at stalemate. I've not contacted him since nor has he contacted me. He scared me that night and I can't ever be in that position again, because I've lived in fear before and it was horrible.

I wish it hadn't happened.

The infidelity was last year; it's a long story, I didn't forgive him for it lightly but having done so I am sad that he couldn't apologise for his actions in poking me.

He accused me, in our last conversation, of ending our relationship over some ridiculous man hating feminist principle. He completely missed the point that it wasn't the act of poking me; it was his reaction to that.