A month on. Still missing him.

[Jojobar]

It's been a month now since it ended with my ex.
I've done angry, and sad, and back round again several times.
I had a dream a few nights ago that he had died of Covid 19, woke up sobbing and spent all the next day in tears.
I've done angry, and empowered too. And completely down where all I do is sit around and eat.
And today I just miss him. Miss the great times we had together, miss laughing with him, miss hugs. It's so weird to think I'll never see or touch him again.

I have no one in RL to talk to about this, my kids (teenagers, not his) don't even know we've split up. The person whose advice I value the most is him. Not contacting him is hard.

I remember your previous threads. He split up with you, shagged someone else and then you were basically "guilted" into taking him back because his parent died.

Before your argument he wouldn't sleep with you, and then he was verbally abusive and laid his hands on you.

He's awful. You've had a lucky escape. Take the rose tinted glasses off.

Gosh @jojobar you need a bit of shaking up don't you love? I'm sorry you still feel miserable but you've got to find a way to self soothe and heal. Writing helps me. And people have suggested that. Please try it.
Also, I read somewhere that it takes about half the time of relationship to get over someone. So in your case, it would be about 3 years!
YOU NEED TO STOP FEELING SO SORRY FOR YOURSELF!!!

You've said you don't wanna go back to him (which I think is probably the right decision) but are you going to continue to feel like this?

If you listen to podcasts, check out Dear Sugars- the episodes "Moving On". All the best love.

That's all true. He was far from perfect. It's still by far the best relationship I've ever had (even with all that shit). Which shows I guess there aren't loads of great or better men out there. I dated over 100 men when I was single, he was very much the best of those.

That's not a reason to contact him, or to change my mind or anything. It just means I'm pretty aware of the odds etc. And I know I don't need a man, I can live my life without one and I won't always feel as sad as I do now, but I know that I am and was happier in our relationship than on my own, even though that relationship had many issues.

So what exactly do you want @jojobar???? You seem to know all the right things but then, you keep backtracking. Do you want to get back with this man? If no, then stop reminiscing about how your life was worse before meeting him etc. You don't want him now- I think- so focus on what you want your life to be going forward!

I'm actually very confused as to what you need support from this forum for?

I feel sorry for myself because there's no one else to sympathise with me apart from myself. I don't have friends or family to rally round (even virtually in these lockdown times) and support me. I'm sure I'm not the only person like that, but I'm the only person I know who is. Oh it's not the worst thing to happen to me, I've had worse and got through that on my own too because I had to. But that wasn't easy either.

I know this means fuck all when you're lonely and feel hopeless but just because you've been with a 10/10 wanker before, it doesn't mean you should accept a 7/10 wanker much less be resigned to someone being a wanker at all. All of us behave like wankers sometimes and can be selfish, we are only human, but he sounds like someone whose default is selfish and who is fundamentally not kind. Sorry that's probably no use right now but it's important

I can't have what I want, which would be for it not to have happened. Or to be less absolutely alone, but that requires me to have a family or partner. I'd love to have someone to talk to and support me through this, but I don't have anyone which is why I'm posting here. Because I can't talk to anyone else.

I know a therapist has been recommended but from a previous experience that was just me talking and them telling me to trust my instincts or whatever. I didn't find it helped, it didn't change my situation or perspective on it. The counsellor probably wasn't very good though.

I take the point about accepting being treated badly. And I'm not accepting it which is why we're over. For the first 5 years he was kind, he was everything I wanted. We did argue and disagree, there were some issues but nothing we couldn't work out and I never stopped thinking of him as my partner for life, and vice versa. The last year he has been far less than kind, the infidelity, and now with this. This isn't how he always was for most of our relationship though. But now it's happened, Pandora's box has been opened and there's no going back.

You poor thing, I've been there and fucking hell loneliness is one of the cruellest things to go through.

I know it's not the same but I've found MN a lifesaver (almost literally) a few times, even posting in the small hours when I've had panic attacks and there has always been someone around to at least distract me.

It's so hard to find a good counsellor isn't it, it's a bit like dating in itself and I had to get my head around the fact he would take a bit of time to find one who suited me.

I'm having phone counselling at the moment which I was very sceptical of but I've actually found I can be a bit more vulnerable on the phone as I don't feel as awkward or embarrassed to get emotional and cry.

Sorry I feel like I'm being no help but sometimes I just want people to tell me yes, no wonder you feel fucking shit at the moment rather than suggesting loads of stuff.

I'm sorry it's rubbish at the moment

I am also having phone counselling

You need to try
Don’t give up because something didn’t work once
You need to keep battling away at everything sometimes

Thank you for understanding about the loneliness. It's funny because growing up I never felt lonely even though I was an only child. Then friends drifted away, when my parents died and then when I had kids. Our lives were completely different. And when I met my ex it didn't matter because we were each others best friends.

So it's all a bit shitty. I know I won't feel this bad forever but right now, it's hard.

This will seem like a silly question but what will the counseling do? What can I expect?

Like I said, I paid £60 a time last year for someone basically to let me speak and tell me to trust my judgment. I've also previously done some group therapy which helped only because I heard other peoples problems and thought mine weren't as bad.

What can I expect? They're not going to give me answers are they? The therapist I saw just said 'why did you do/ think/ feel that' or whatever, and I remember thinking really if I knew all the whys I wouldn't be there would I?

They are not there to give you answers

It works like this
What do you want to gain from counselling?
What do you want from your life?
What would make it better?
What are you prepared to do?
What has happened in the past that maybe has caused you to feel stuck, or tolerate bad behaviour from men?
What do you want to change?

The problem is you don’t know...
You think a partner will fix it. Which is why you are half prepared to tolerate bad behaviour because it’s better than the alternative of being alone. You do not want to be alone, but what is happening to you alone? Why are you afraid of it? It doesn’t feel nice. And that’s what you need to work on. How to make it feel less horrible

So once you know what you want (goals) you go to a therapist and you work out how to get the goals

So for me my goals are:
Learn my boundaries and how to implement them
Learn what my triggers are, and why
Improve my self esteem and self worth
Learn how to be happier and positive

I don't have answers to all those questions, I can answer some but probably need to give them further thought:

What do you want to gain from counselling?
I'm not sure. A more positive outlook? A way forward?

What do you want from your life?
To be happy. Without being too trite, as the song goes to love and be loved in return.

What would make it better?
In the long term a loving equal relationship with someone who cares about and values me, and vice versa. I'd say establishing closer or any friendships as well would be nice.

What are you prepared to do?
I'm not sure how to answer that, it's quite open ended. I'm prepared to make an effort, to invest my time in others, and myself too.

What has happened in the past that maybe has caused you to feel stuck, or tolerate bad behaviour from men?
I don't consider that I tolerate bad behaviour, I ended things with him after the poke, and his lack of contrition. I did stick with my children's father longer than I wanted to, but that was for purely financial reasons because (without family or friend support) I had to arrange my own escape route which took time.
My parents had an excellent relationship with each other and with me. Losing them early in life has been very hard and left me feeling rudderless and isolated since my early 20s.

You did also stay with him after his infidelity and stay despite feeling he was manipulating you with his other life events going on at the time.

(Not at all saying that as a negative about you or in judgement, just think it's worth exploring and interesting that it didn't jump to mind when you answered that question - I think that's important)

I can understand re your parents and I am sorry to hear that
It sounds like though you place a lot of importance on replacing what you have lost in your parents by finding love and may feel like you have failed

You do have love - you also have a family you have DC. You have not failed. You also have plenty of life left to live and things to do and see. You need to work out about friendships as well, as it does not work well when you meet a healthy partner and I worry you may place so much importance on that person to fulfil the roles you are missing in your life that it would be hard to maintain for them.

You do tolerate bad behaviour - you have described it all, but you eventually did leave him but I feel it’s because you had no choice but to leave. It was because he crossed a line but many women would never have took him back after the cheating anyway

It's a fair point. I suppose the way I looked at it was that we'd split up already for other reasons when I found out about the infidelity, I knew about it after we were apart. I didn't take the decision to get back together lightly, it was influenced by his parent being very ill but I'm not sure I felt manipulated. It felt like a life's too short moment - that someone who had been perfectly healthy became terminally ill and died within a month (which was actually what happened with my parents although over an even shorter timeframe).

I think the fact it happened to you too (sorry by the way about your parents I can't imagine how hard it is when it all happens so quickly) is interesting. Perhaps there is something in you treating others the way you wish you could be treated, but to a fault where you actually end up giving so much of yourself and not expecting it back because you're focusing on whether you are being a good partner to them instead of whether they are being a good partner to you, or whether you are both good for each other?

There is a book called women who love too much which may interest you

It is too much of a coincidence that you decided to take him back based on not what he had done before, but because he had lost a parent as had you

I looked over your list again
You place friendships lower than romantic love. But friendship is what you actually need right now, and what you need in a partner too.

I'm not sure I focus too much on what I'm doing, I'm often accused of being selfish in relationships, putting myself first and so on. Our original breakup was partly because of my not agreeing to compromise on certain things.

It might be something to think about though.

I don't think you can have romantic love unless that person is also your friend too. I only put friendship lower than love because I've found proper enduring friendships even harder to find than a partner over the years. Any friendships I've had for years are very one way, ie I help them, they never reciprocate, I end up distancing myself when I realise that my efforts aren't returned. I did raise this with one group of friends back when I was single and their response was I expected too much, if I wanted support I should get a partner!

Sorry to hear you’re going through a bad time. I think him not reaching out to you is falsely making your brain crave him even more than he is worth. I know what you mean about not having a strong support network to cushion the blow. Where abouts do you live?

Hi OP. I'm also going through a breakup after I took him back for unacceptable behaviour.

What's helped me so far is to allow my feelings of sadness and logically think through them. My grief is for the what could have been and not the reality. I was a complete mess for a couple of weeks but I've pulled myself together by going for walks, putting my house back to mine instead of ours and journaling every morning. The baggage reclaim site is really good for bringing yourself back into reality.

I think it's totally normal to feel how you feel. It will be ok though eventually and if you accept his poor behaviour and take him back you will only end up in this same position in a few weeks/months again.

Glad you're managing to find a way through this.

Today has not been a good day. I heard from him, he regrets what happened, apologises, but has made it clear that he accepts we are over. He doesn't want me back. So taking him back isn't an option.

I've cried pretty much all day. Somehow him not being sorry made it easier, he was the villain then, I could be angry at him, disappointed in his behaviour. But this is worse, it really hurts.

Be honest did you contact him or did he magically contact you suddenly

He contacted me to ask about some of his belongings, and to ask what I wanted him to do with my stuff, which is still at his house. I'd not contacted him about my stuff as I was resigned to not getting it back.