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Relationships

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Original poster

Reuniting with a first love? Have you?

33 replies

DearPru · 09/05/2020 08:11

Morning,

I posted last year after my first love reached out with an apology over how our relationship ended all those years ago. It was lovely to hear from him but then he told me he was in a relationship. I can’t lie and say a part of me wasn’t disappointed because it was. We caught up on what we’d been up to for the years in between, and I explained to him that I was uncomfortable to chat as he is in a relationship, he agreed so we stopped communicating.

Fast forward to now. He’s recently messaged me to tell me he’s single and my mind is all over the place.

How many of you have reconnected with a first love and has it worked out?

Thanks x

OP posts:

Dery · 09/05/2020 08:38

I haven’t done it but some friends of mind got back together about 5 years after splitting and a few years later got married. They’ve now been together for decades.

You don’t give any details about your relationship with him or why you split - which is absolutely your right but it means we can’t know whether it’s worth trying for another go with this guy or whether you should run for the hills. It appears that the way in which the relationship ended was not well-handled but we don’t know in what way and how much can be attributed to youthful inexperience.

I’m really struck by the fact that you’re hesitant about seeing him again. Is that because you’re in a relationship and don’t want to be disloyal or is it something to do with him and/or the relationship you had which makes you not want to go back there? Or is it that you prefer to preserve him as a first love and not dilute that memory with a second attempt at a relationship which might again go wrong?

You don’t have to answer these questions - these are just some thoughts! - but I’m raising them because in your shoes, if I were single, the relationship had overall been a good one and I was excited at the thought of seeing him again (and the last does seem to apply to you), then I would be inclined to give it another go - on balance, you’ve got more to gain than to lose, I think. If it doesn’t work out, at least you’ll have no regrets but if you just shut it down now, you’ll surely be left wondering about what might have been.

Original poster

DearPru · 09/05/2020 08:53

Thanks for your reply @dery. I’ve been single for over a year now, I’d just recently split from my long term partner when my first love reached out. Maybe he’d heard through mutual friends that I was single and that’s why he reached out?
Regarding our break up all those years ago. We were just really young and fell out over something stupid but he said he was fed up with the bickering and wasn’t sure he wanted to get back together. I was devastated. We went a month with no contact and during this time I tried to drown out my heartache by going out and drinking a lot. During one of these nights out I had a one night stand with a friend of mine. It honestly meant nothing and I was stupidly trying to get over my ex (silly I know) however when my ex got back in touch to sort things out I was honest and told him what had happened. He was so upset. He said he still wanted to try again. We tried to make it work for a month or 2 when he said he couldn’t get over what had happened and we had to split. It was after this he chopped and changed his mind. Saying he’d made a mistake and wanted to try again, only to change his mind a day later. This is what he’s apologising for now. He said he was really young and didn’t know how to handle it.
I’m would love nothing more than to try again with him but I remember the heartache when we split and it wasn’t good. I suppose your first heartbreak is never easy but it probably took me 2 years to get over it.
My friend says that obviously back then we weren’t meant to be and that things have a funny way of coming back together but I don’t know if I’m seeing this all through rose tinted glasses. X

OP posts:

Loveabitofrain · 09/05/2020 09:04

Wow difficult one as people change so much! How old were you when you were together? Has he been married since, kids etc? Why has he split from his partner?

I say all that really do you think with your head as well as your heart x

Original poster

DearPru · 09/05/2020 09:08

@loveabitofrain - thanks for the reply. We were together late teens into our 20s. We’ve both had children since.

He said he hadn’t felt the same in his relationship for a while and it was making him depressed to pretend it was all okay so he had to end it.

I was with my most recent ex for a long time and he never made me feel the way my first love felt but I’m not sure if anyone’s other relationships measure up to their first?x

OP posts:

Loveabitofrain · 09/05/2020 09:13

Ok. Weird question but there is a reason! Where do you live?x

OntheWaves40 · 09/05/2020 09:13

I’ve done it, it was a disaster and only took a few months to see why we broke up in first place and the old pain, insecurities etc to seep back in. I guess it depends if there was any trust issues. It sounds like there was major problems if he’s contacted you to apologise. It also sounds like he treated his ex like shit, lining you up when he was still with her.
However a friend of mine go back with her first love (when they were in late 30s), they didn’t have any issues, where just young and went away to uni etc and they are happily married now.

OntheWaves40 · 09/05/2020 09:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

babbi · 09/05/2020 09:18

I have done it ... it didn’t end well again the second time ... huge heartache.
That said I’m very glad I did it. I learned so much from that second break up and I honestly feel it’s really shaped my character .
So much stronger and have such direction in my life . Though the devasted me at the time couldn’t see a way ever to get through the sadness!!!

I have also rid myself of the “ one that got away “ .... I’ll always love him in a way and genuinely want the best for both of us .
But I see clearly we were not meant to be

Loveabitofrain · 09/05/2020 09:21

The reason I ask is that this situation is spookily close to my own.

My partner messaged his ex on fb last year. But he was married to someone else by 19/20.

I have recently split up from him, not the other way round.

And with good reason; he is a serial cheater.

When I got with him he told me how his wife made him depressed etc. I clearly learned he was always the victim.

So I’d say proceed with caution!!

I’ve been burnt and lied to for a long time! Hence my saying people change x

Original poster

DearPru · 09/05/2020 09:21

Who’s a troll?

The one that got away is definitely something that plays on my mind but as friends have reminded me, we’re not the same people we were back then. We’ve got children and responsibilities in the mix now. Plus I’m not sure I could go through a second break up with him after last time. Xx

OP posts:

Original poster

DearPru · 09/05/2020 09:23

@Loveabitofrain - he never married his ex although they were together for a long time. I would love to think that it could work out but I’ve no way of knowing if he’s using me as a distraction or not. Xx

OP posts:

bumpsadaisy11 · 09/05/2020 09:27

What have you got to lose @DearPru?

Loveabitofrain · 09/05/2020 09:28

So has he never been married? How old are his children?

I am probably a little cynical as I have heard the words about how an ex was depressing a man before and it wasn't truly the case. The guy I was with was fantastic with words!

I would dig a bit deeper and do some research. Wish I had!x

BruceAndNosh · 09/05/2020 09:31

How old are your children? And both of you?

Original poster

DearPru · 09/05/2020 09:38

Thanks ladies. I did some digging last year when he initially reached out and when I asked if he was unhappy in his relationship he flat out said no and that he was just wanting to catch up and apologise for the past, which obviously was a load of rubbish.

His children are 8 & 5 and my children are 7 & 4 and we’re both now in our early 30s xx

OP posts:

Dery · 09/05/2020 09:46

It’s up to you of course and you may well be seeing it through rose-tinted spectacles and it may come to nothing (you may not like him this time round) but does that matter? You might be hurt again but you got over it first time and can do it again. In future years, when you look back at this moment what do you think you’ll regret more - embracing the opportunity (even if it comes to nothing) or shutting it down now?

I will be honest. Given everything you’ve said, I’m rooting for you to give it another go. I think that’s because if you shut it down now, you’ll be doing it out of fear. Fear of it going wrong, fear of being hurt again etc. Fear can keep us safe and can be a sensible driver for decisions (esp which concern your physical safety) but not for this type of decision. Can you approach this question with just a sense of openness to what may be without hugely investing in a particular outcome? At the outset of my relationship with my now DH, I was in a bit of a knot about whether or not to go on a date with him for various reasons (none to do with not liking him), and a friend said: “Why don’t you just go to dinner and see how it goes?”. So that is my suggestion to you - “why don’t you just respond to his message and see how it goes?”.

Loveabitofrain · 09/05/2020 09:47

Think with your head on this one my lovely. I’m not convinced he’s being honest x

Dery · 09/05/2020 09:50

Ah - the thread moved on while I was typing my response but I think the questions probably still stand. Good luck with your decision whatever it is.

Bertie30 · 09/05/2020 09:53

Rose tinted glasses can lead you down the wrong path.

My motto is never go backwards in life, always move forwards. There is opportunity around every corner if you are prepared to wait.

You must both have changed so much since those days. Do you even fancy him still? I bumped into my first love last year and didn’t bat an eye at them in terms of looks. They just wouldn’t have been my type and yet when I was 17 they were the fittest person in the world in my eyes.

CurlyEndive · 09/05/2020 09:54

I think there's no harm in giving it a try. But treat it as a new relationship- in the early days, try not to invest more of yourself in it than you normally would with a new boyfriend. Don't overlook any potential red flags because of your history!

Thingsdogetbetter · 09/05/2020 09:58

Rephrase 'reaching out' to 'trying his luck'!

He found out you were single (read available) and suddenly got in touch although he was still in a relationship. How nice for his partner! Then he's appeared again all single and sob story where's he's somehow the victim of him dumping her.

And yes, your rose tinted glasses are on overtime. A relationship full of bickering and stupid arguments. He dumped you and picked you back up like a toy. And couldn't 'cope' with you seeing someone else after he DUMPED you. How dare you be a real person with a life that didn't centre on your EX boyfriend. It wasn't even a break, you were full on single - by his choice. Dumped you again as punishment. Picked you up again. Dumped you AGAIN. What in that suggests it was a good, happy, fulfilling relationship?

First love is different because we're all convinced, because of lack of experience, that it will last forever. That it's somehow special. That no one else has ever felt this way. There's no harsh realities of real life. Just faiytale romantic us ahainst the world. That doesn't mean the love was better or more real than later love, just more idealistic.

And already you leaping to this might be a huge romance. You're building it up in your head to being some reunion cause by fate. You might meet him and think he's a huge prat. Or get the ick. He could be gross and have lost he's looks. He could be out for a shag. Or be abusive. You don't know him. You KNEW him when he was young - and even then he was a prat who didn't treat you well.

If he was a total stranger would you give him the time of day? If you must meet him, then go in with open eyes and no expectations than you would meeting a stranger off old. In fact go in with less expectations. He's already dumped you THREE times!

Sunbird24 · 09/05/2020 10:05

I recently reconnected with my ex from about 15 years ago, who was absolutely lovely, but it didn’t work out because our jobs moved us ridiculously far apart. Chatting by text was amazing, really fun and flirtatious, it felt completely right, but when we met up the first thing that flashed through my mind was “I don’t fancy you”. It was so disappointing!
Sometimes things just aren’t meant to be, and the memories are best kept that way

therona · 09/05/2020 10:20

Move forwards, not backwards. First loves are intense, and IMO it's due to emotional immaturity not passion or a great connection.

Original poster

DearPru · 09/05/2020 10:29

I dont think I ever really got over him. I just tried to move on with my life and forget him so when he first messaged my stomach dropped and I felt all the butterflies.

I do still fancy him. We have mutual friends so I’ve been able to peek at photos of him on their social media and besides looking older, he looks exactly the same.

I’m just worried I could be letting the first love feelings run away with me. He kept all our photographs and letters from when we were together where I binned everything when I was trying to move on.

My friends warned me that he’s probably getting in touch because his life isn’t great at the moment, which is hard to hear but I suppose possibly is true. My other friend who’s a terrible romantic thinks we just met at the wrong time and should give it another shot.

I was just interested to know if a first love could be more than just puppy love and could actually go somewhere.xx

OP posts:

Porcupineinwaiting · 09/05/2020 10:34

I think you should try and forget the fact that he was your first love. If you want to meet him, try not to get sucked into to the past, draw a line under it. See if you get on with/like/want to be with him as he is now.

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