I can do nothing more for my daughter

[BarbeDeMaman]

She is 17. She sees "no point in going on". She is Year 12 and has been doing work sent by school. Is a good but quiet student, largely ignored at school.

She was a very happy, competitive child who loved school and sport until two years ago when it is like someone took DD and replaced her with a lookalike with a totally different personality. This one is sad all the time, hates herself and everything she does. Her self esteem is rock bottom. Thinks she is stupid and incapable of succeeding at anything. She cries all the time. I can't remember when I last saw her laugh out loud.

She had CBT sessions last year which were really good but she won't go back because she has "nothing to say to them". She got a place in a new school which she loved and couldn't wait to go to. We saw glimpses of old dd when this was on the cards. Since lockdown she no longer wants to go there. Her old school (where she has been really unhappy) is "good enough for her" and she doesn't want to discuss it. She swears she is not depressed but that we don't listen to her

She has a brother who was born when she was 7. She has always adored him and used to say he was the best thing that ever happened. In the last year she is (for the 1st time) childishly jealous of him and if we show him any affection or praise in front of her she can be nasty about it. I have always put her first (mainly because he is younger and very easy going) and I think I have set her up for this current state. I spend time one on one with her but in the last two years nothing I do is good enough. She will come out with us as a family but will sit silent and not make eye contact or talk to us.

She is angry at the moment and this has manifested itself into shouting that she will never be good enough for us. She is sobbing her heart out now. She wants to give up.

I can't do anything more. I am not a counsellor and I am exhausted emotionally with her. I am also heartbroken for her but I can't fix her, can I?

Did any of this coincide with her periods starting?

The same thing happened to me when I was younger and I remember the world seeming like a different place after that. It took me until now aged 29 to realise that it’s my hormones.

Help her access more mental health care than CBT. You can’t fix her but you can support her through what sounds like a mental breakdown.

You can't aim to fix her OP - she's a person, not a problem to be fixed. I am also a mum, I really really get it - when they were small, one could "fix" things, but as they grow that becomes less and less possible, it's very hard. But as they get older it becomes more a case of being a compassionate witness and a fellow-traveller in this world, rather than being the one that takes the pain away.

Try not to cheer her up or argue her out of her feelings. Just be with her and listen to her.

Have you had counselling yourself? I would recommend it, you need a coach and a support for a time when you feel out of your depth. A good counsellor will have lots of ideas for how to be there for your DD.

Is there any chance she suffered a trauma of some kind? A school friend went through something similar, sadly she had been assaulted and was unable for years to tell anyone x

It was two years after her periods started.

How can I help her access mental health services in Lockdown and when she says there is nothing wrong with her? She has an outgoing personality, very polished and no one would have any idea from knowing her that this is what she is like at home. She comes across as lovely, big smiles and very together. If I drag her to someone she will present like that and I'll be the one recommended for counselling! I'm sorry to be negative at your suggestion but I presume it's like alcoholics where they have to acknowledge there's a problem themselves.

I was going to say has she ever had any hormone and or vitamin tests to rule out anything medical ?

Defo sounds like some form of depression, often starts around that age when children start to become more aware of themselves, school pressures increase, body image awareness starts etc. I'm a cbt therapist for obviously biased but I'd be inclined to try it again she sounds like she'd benefit. And we're all still workingX we're just doing it via telephone or video call now, good luck xx

Was this triggered by anything OP? Was she bullied or assaulted for example. The reason I'm asking is because it sounds like more than hormones due to her emotional regression regarding her brother; that's often a sign of trauma.

If that's the case then CBT is not going to be suitable, something appropriate to the trauma would be. She may have come to a point in the CBT where she didn't want to talk about the real cause of the problem as she may not be ready.

I'm just guessing and could be completely wrong.

There's an organisation called The Mix which is a mental health charity for under 25s. It may be worth calling their helpline and have a chat on how to move forward: 0808 808 4994

You may notice that her mood lifts when the lockdown ends as lots of people are irritable at the moment due to that.

Poor kid (and you)
She should really speak to a doctor which is possible even during lockdown. It may be hormonal coupled with other things like loneliness or vitamin d deficiency but I have to ask, does she eat properly? It’s so vital to mood that she has her calorie requirement and incredibly important to both physical and mental health.

I'd be worried something happened to trigger such a change, was it overnight or gradual?

Firstly, I’m really sorry you are both going through this. When I read your post, I wanted to comment because I was very like your daughter when I was an older teenager. In hindsight, I can see that I started to have quite serious depression and now looking back it was probably the most difficult period of my life (I am now in my 30s). I directed a lot of my frustration with my life at my parents as well. The things which helped me were: (1) time. I would feel like things would never change but ultimately your daughter is nearly at the point that she can make a lot more of her own decisions. She will also be able to escape school (which for me was a very mixed experience because I wasn’t a particularly cool kid even though I wasn’t bullied - this made me feel very much an outsider and worthless, mainly because I couldn’t identify what it was about myself that made me feel not one of the crowd). You have to remember that a lot of people go through bad patches with depression but she is likely to improve (I would recommend some help if you can get it and persevere if a few things don’t work for her). (2) Do try to encourage her to do things she enjoys and celebrate them. If she finishes a book, ask her about it, show an interest. If she will go for a run round the block or go to a regular sports class (obviously not right now) take her if you can. If you could revive her interest in sports, that would be worthwhile (I manage my depression now by exercise which I appreciate will not be a solution for everyone). Bella McKie wrote a book called Jog On about how she started running and your daughter might find that could give her something to think about. It could be anything though - drawing, cooking. If she gets out of bed, that is a win. (3) Keep going normally with your son. He might inspire her with something he will do (or you will). It doesn’t matter if she doesn’t change today or this week or in a month. (4) I’m sure you do this already but keep telling her you are proud of her and are sure she has great things ahead. Matt Haig is very accessible on this and although his book “Reasons to Stay Alive” wasn’t published when I was younger the message is probably not beyond a 17 year old. I think it is helpful to know that other people go through this and come out the other side. Wishing you all the luck in the world xxxxx

Yes I'd want to question what happened to bring this on. I've counselled rape victims who haven't told anyone ever and it was years ago.

Why not call her head of year at school (the school sending work), explain the situation and ask if they can refer her for counselling (over the phone, given the current context). If they don’t have a school counsellor they will support you in accessing state mental health support. This is very hard but there are trained professionals there to support you. Even if your daughter does not want support they will have strategies in place to help support her nonetheless.

Counselling is still available remotely, in fact probably more so at the moment. Does she have anyone otherwise to confide in? Is the plan for her to repeat y12? Why is she so unhappy at current school?

I too would be worried an event had triggered this. Why did she change schools?

I went through this at 16, turned out i was extremely deficient in vitamin d and iron. Just like your daughter, I was suddenly no longer myself and went from being an A* student to not caring about anything, therefore pretty much failing my first year of A-levels.

Thank you all for your kindness.

Being the parent of a person with depression is very lonely, I imagine being that person is even more so. But I am grateful for all your input.

The change was so abrupt it seemed as though it was obviously triggered by something but she swears that nothing ever happened. I have contacted her previous counsellor. She does get up and takes even her brother for a walk sometimes (one of the positives of lockdown is that they have to rely on each other for company). She's wrung out now but has okay'd me contacting the counsellor.

I'll try those books. Her school are awful. Her year head hardly knows who she is. She would hate anyone there to know she is not sunny smiley her. It's a small country school. The counsellor is in a town an hour away so more anonymous.

Thank you all again!

Oh and yes, she's been for heart tests (extensive) and general check ups. I was desperate for a physical solution .

She takes a multi vitamin, and vit d spray and eats really well though that is a point as she was always very skinny and with this change she put on about two stone and is very conscious and disgusted by that. So is limiting food but still eating good food, just not as much....And maybe not enough for her so I'll watch that.

Just came on to say I feel for you and your DD. Living with someone who is depressed is probably as hard as being depressed. I agree with those who have suggested some counselling support for you. At your DD’s age I was probably clinically depressed. I say probably because I had no idea what was happening to me, only that I wasn’t sleeping properly, I’d lost the ability to see colour (literally and metaphorically) and I’d find maybe ten seconds of ‘ok’ on waking before everything crashed down on me. I felt I had to keep walking around pretending things were normal but I wasn’t functioning. In my case, it was a reaction to years of difficulties at school, and the ‘crash’ came once I was out of the situation - almost as if I had the space to experience the impact for the first time. I don’t know if any of this applies to your DD, but it’s possible to not realise or recognise what is going on as depression - it’s also very hard to summon energy to do anything at all - making a cup of tea or getting dressed can be like climbing a mountain. I’m really glad she’s agreed to speak to a counsellor; the right person can be a powerful support that also helps ease the pressure on you.

It is an incredibly delicate balance between supporting someone and trying to 'fix' them. It sounds like you are doing so much, but I would also really recommend counselling for yourself. Perhaps your daughter will engage with a therapeutic approach more if she sees you engage with your own process of this? Good luck and I wish you both all the best.

Did they check thyroid levels in detail OP?

Not as far as I know Tiger. Should I ask for that? What could that affect?

I was just about to suggest having her thyroid checked, and I see TigerDater asked about it. A low-functioning thyroid will cause depression and weight gain. The fact that she transformed rather suddenly and gained weight might indicate that. Her thyroid hormone can be checked via a blood test. A friend of mine was diagnosed in her early 20s and started taking a medication that replaced the hormone that her thyroid gland had not been producing.

I just googled it and she has so many symptoms. She loses hair by the handful.
I had looked at this before because she is always cold and had fainted several times but then the doctor got a notion that it was heart related so that snowballed. I also felt I couldn't ask for a thyroid test but I should. I'll ring the GP on Monday morning.

Good luck
Op. Sounds terribly hard on you both.

Unfortunately this is common teen emotions. My dd has a diagnosed condition but many of my friends had similar to you describing between 14&18 at some point. The good news is that they developed out of it and got back their mojo. All are at university now. Unfortunately lockdown will have just compounded the issues. Try speaking with her to your gp and explain you need more help not just cbt, but it's common and gp's will have to try to work out whether it's a tantrums, fed up teen or someone at risk, unfortunately not easy to tell and there's finite resources