Boyfriend who won't discuss issues

[overthinker121]

I will preface this by saying that my boyfriend and I both live apart - alone - and have been seeing each other over lockdown but counting each other as part of our 'households'. We are both working from home and receiving shopping deliveries so we are not coming into contact with anybody else and we felt this was best for our relationship.

I am 29 and he is 30. We have been together for over a year and I have a great time when I'm with him. He's affectionate, funny and helpful. I am very much a believer in airing problems as they arise, talking them through and resolving them whereas he doesn't seem to be able to do this - in the past it has led to arguments or me taking the blame just so we can stop the uncomfortable feeling between us.

He is very money motivated and has a cut throat, high flying job in the city which he is rightly proud of. I have taken a different approach to my career, where career satisfaction and care for others is my priority, not money, and this means I don't work the 14 hour days he does. At times he can be disparaging about this - in a jokey/teasing way - eg last night he was talking about his friend who doesn't like hard work 'like someone I know' (ie me). Although it was intended as a joke, I did find it upsetting - I work hard and the work I do is to a high standard but we can't all be city high flyers.

He made this comment yesterday and at the time I tried to retort but he just said 'whatever' and carried on with his story. Thinking about it more today, i decided that I needed to let him know that I was a bit concerned about his comment as it implies he doesn't hold any respect or value for my work. I explained this in a message to him and he just said he will never be able to talk to me about anything if I react like this. I replied, reiterating my point that it makes me feel like he doesn't value what I do because of my hours and earnings and he replied 'well clearly I don't think that'. I said that that was all I needed to know and tried to lighten the tone with some chit chat.

However, he didn't reply. I hate the thought of there being a problem that we haven't resolved so I called him to talk about it and he ignored me. He's now obviously asleep, whilst I'm awake worrying about it.

I have an anxious attachment style which I try not to let get the better of me so I have deleted his number until he contacts me (I am supposed to be seeing him on Saturday) as I don't want to be pathetically chasing him.

I suppose my concern here is one of compatibility. How do we move forward harmoniously and iron out any little issues if he won't talk and just shuts down? How can I get him to understand that I wasn't having a go at him, just trying to have an adult conversation that would hopefully strengthen the relationship in the future?

Another concern is the lack of reply to my message and lack of response to my call. I know he saw the call as he was online when I made it, and the message I sent has been left on read. Is this a nasty tactic by him to punish me in some way?

Sorry this is so confused and jumbled. Any thoughts, ideas or advice would be greatly welcome.

Or am I perhaps being too sensitive?

Get rid these comments start of then become more and him saying he’s jok9ng he’s not. Put down too often chip away at you, my toxic family did nothing but I cut them off 13 years ago, 💐. If 9m wrong apologies.

Hes a bit all about himself isnt he? Ugh I can see him as a dad, my-opinion-is-right dad

Sorry i dont like that he didnt acknowledge or reply to you.. it gives me the idea that he doesnt want to value enough to reply.. it could be his natural reflex or hes just being mean. Either way its not right.. its a two way street

Ooh, so many red flags in your relationship.

The most obvious one - no, he doesn't respect your job, or indeed you. When he's being 'jokey' or 'teasing' - he's saying what he really thinks. He looks down his nose at anyone who doesn't share his workaholic attitude. He thinks your a lazy-arsed loser.

Also, he's training you to put up with the shit he hands you. Look at you, " taking the blame just so we can stop the uncomfortable feeling between us." Because he can't take the blame even if he were in the wrong, oh, no, thats beneath a Master of the Universe guy like himself, he'll make his lazy-arsed loser girlfriend so uncomfortable that she'll apologise and stroke his ego, like lazy-arsed losers should do for Masters of the Universe.

And should my lazy-arsed loser girlfriend/skivvy show signs of self-esteem, objecting to my thinking she's a lazy-arsed loser, I'll just give her the silent treatment until she comes to heel and takes the blame, like she should. Uppity, that's what it is. Uppity.

Suffice it to say overthinker121 that I do not consider you a lazy-arsed loser. But I do think he does. He values money. He doesn't value anything else.

"How can I get him to understand that I wasn't having a go at him, just trying to have an adult conversation that would hopefully strengthen the relationship in the future?"
I doubt he considers you were having a go at him. But you answered back, and he is training that out of you. Makes you so uncomfortable that you 'take the blame'. Training you to not raise problems and want to talk about them.

So no, you're not compatible. He's 30, he will not change. He's all the adult he will ever be, and he's a narrow money-orientated workaholic - that will not change.

Don't look to strengthen this relationship; you're not compatible and he doesn't respect you. Set yourself free to find someone better.

@holothane @2kids1cat1me @peanutandpumpkin @WhereYouLeftIt

Thank you so much for your replies. I hate to admit it but I think you are all right. I wish I could take on the attitude of 'fuck him, he's not treating me well', but I just feel so sad. It took me years of online dating to find him - someone I get on with and have a laugh with. But you're right - if it's bad now, it will only get worse in the future. No idea how to explain this to him...he won't understand.

Why would you explain it to him? The point is that this is how he is, he isn't going to change. Either you accept it (and that it will get worse in time) or you move on.

I can just see now how he'll be when you have kids - he will probably insist you give up work to facilitate his high flying career and then belittle your contribution to the household and say you aren't doing anything.

He’s a nasty belittling insulting bully! Incapable of apologising

Silent treatment/sulking/ignoring if you’re not all about how wonderful he is - classic abusers tactic

This early on in a relationship he should be - probably is - on best behaviour

If this is his best what the hell is his worst?

What’s his breakup history?

You don’t owe him an explanation a simple “this isn’t working for me” would suffice although if you wanted to you could tell him

“Because you’re a money obsessed, petulant little bully”

Run for your life, op. Don't be daft. This relationship is doomed and you know it. There is no emotional connection to be had.

We don't all communicate perfectly in relationships, particularly early on, but for things to improve you both need to be working at it. He doesn't seem to want to meet you half way here.

Nasty 'jokes' can be the thin edge of the abuse wedge. It's a tactic many bullies and abusers use to grind people down and then play the 'only joking' card to absolve themselves of responsibility. When challenged, they'll deflect, blame you for not having a sense of humour, or otherwise behave badly - sulking, tantrumming, bringing up some totally unrelated thing that you did 'wrong' etc. It often escalates over time into overt verbal abuse, as they push boundaries and drop the 'joke' pretence entirely.

Sometimes non-abusers fuck up and make inappropriate jokes that hurt someone too. The difference there is that they'll acknowledge they fucked up, apologise, and not keep making the same 'joke' in future.

Only you know which camp your boyfriend falls into, but if you have worries it's the first, step back and take a long look at whether he's showing other signs of being abusive.
www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse

A relationship doesn't have to be violent or 100% awful all the time to be abusive and slowly ruin your self-esteem. If he's repeatedly making you feel bad but doesn't want to listen and improve things, that's a good enough reason to walk away.

Run. Seriously.

He is testing your boundaries. I've been exactly where you are. Look how anxious you are feeling, and read your post back...can you see how you are trying to justify who you are and what you do even to us? This is because you are already feeling not good enough in this situation. Shutting you down and going silent on you is disgusting behaviour. You sound bloody lovely, he does not. Get rid, I promise you this won't get any better

I married somebody exactly like this. Exactly. His reactions, the no discussion of any issues even though the hurtful comment/behaviour by him is what started it. Marrying somebody like this has ruined my life. I’m too old to start again. You’re not. Never being able to discuss your feelings. Never receiving an apology for a hurtful comment. It’s really hard to get to the bottom of why they do this. You didn’t deserve that comment. It’s disparaging. You don’t make comments like that. You never do that to him right? But he’s putting you down under the banner of “joking”. It’s disrespectful and if you’d made a comment that had upset somebody, you’d go above and beyond to make them realise how sorry you were. It’s vicious disguised as banter. I’ve tried to live with this and understand it and get my feelings heard for 20 years. It’s destroyed me. Don’t be me. He will not change. He can’t. He is perfectly happy how he is because you’re the crazy one. The one who can’t take a joke and you always run after him to try and discuss/make it better because you’re a nice person. This reaction/behaviour in him is a huge character flaw. He’s got used to not making any effort to resolve differences. He’s not working out for himself what went wrong or realising or making relationship building effort. He can’t be bothered. It’s uncomfortable for him and it means admitting he’s wrong. Don’t contact him. You’ve explained why it hurt and it’s now his responsibility to fix it. Don’t accept being treated like this.

We've only heard your perspective and from the little you've told us I think it sounds like you're not compatible anyway.

You do seem to overthink and read too much into comments then demand the next day to thrash it all out with him and I think that would be exhausting for anyone on the receiving end and I'd shut down too.

You're not in "lockdown" if you're travelling between each other's houses so if you're having face to face physical meetings then I don't see why you're also having this angst ridden texting drama too?

If you've known him for a year and genuinely feel he doesn't respect your job/career path of choice and if he's constantly belittling you then yes, leave him.

But if you're simply analysing every single thing and interpreting it wrongly or wanting to go into depth afterwards over what he meant by it, then you're not really best placed to be in a relationship as every conversation would be impossible and a minefield.

I'm not saying you should accept a constant and subtle drip drip of your partner putting you down and making you feel like shit but be honest with yourself and take a look at why there are so many instances where you have to examine who says what and why and what it meant.

I feel the same at times @overthinker121, similar position. When I met my bf I had just given up a stressful time demanding job to work in a school setting. It was ruining my mental health so got a nicer job with less stress and I was happy.
Been in the job 2 years now and all bf says is I am in it for the 13 weeks holiday (which yes is a nice perk but not the reason why I went into the job) he gets good holiday entitlement but no where near as much.
He moans that going on holiday in my time off is too expensive and we then argue that it’s my fault we can’t afford hols because we are limited to school hols. When I am of work like currently due to coronavirus he will always make sly comments about how he has to work because he has a proper job etc

These comments hurt and when I mention it he does the same as your partner, plays it down as banter and just a joke. I tell him it’s not a joke as I don’t find it funny and then he starts an argument blaming it all on me. I have started to not argue back and jeep my feelings bottled up which is not good.
I don’t know how we can sit and solve thes issues as adults?! He is 31 btw!

My initial thought was that he was training you not to pull him up on his bad behaviour. And now you have, he is giving you the silent treatment as punishment.

At the very least, there seems to be some resentment from him about what he sees as your easy job. And I wouldn't want that in a partner. It shows that rather than fixing the route of their frustrations (eg: changing their job or cutting their hours ect) they are taking them out on you,implying that YOU arent good enough in some way. Because they feel inadequate. And, are jealous. This behaviour in itself is often found in narcissists. And alongside the silent treatment and not liking to clear the air in arguments...I'd be assuming he was that way inclined, unfortunately.

Searchaway you are never too old to start over..

Yeah time to move on. Getting on and having a laugh with someone is important, but it’s not enough. It’s enough for a friendship - I have male friends who fulfil this criteria but they’d never, ever be suitable as partners for me.

If you have an anxious attachment style this relationship is going to destroy you. You can't make him talk about issues if he doesn't want to. You can't make him do anything he doesn't want to and you'll just become more anxious and miserable the more you try.

Some counselling for yourself would be good. You can't change him but you can develop better boundaries. Once you have these you can decide whether this relationship will meet your needs in the long term.

I have an anxious attachment style

I of all people know that sometimes this can be a thing, but you're not wrong to have disliked his initial comment or his manipulative response when you brought it up.

I like to think I wouldn't put up with this wankerishness when there are so many other men in this world.

You could consider perma-blocking him, or at the very least keep an eye out for when he does something disrespectful or manipulative again, and bin him at that point.

@Lockdowncrazy @overthinker121 You both need to ditch these men. They simply are not being kind to you. They will not be good partners in life. That's really all that matters.

"No idea how to explain this to him...he won't understand."
YOU ARE UNDER NO OBLIGATION TO EXPLAIN THIS TO HIM.

Seriously, you aren't. You owe him nothing. All you have to do is tell him that this relationship isn't working for you, and you're out. And remember, HE HAS NO SAY IN THIS. You cannot be held in a relationship against your will. It is NOT A NEGOTIATION, it is simply you giving him information (You're dumped) - and then disengaging. I expect he will try to argue, so probably best to block him on every channel once you've given him the bad news.

Now you said in your OP that you "have deleted his number until he contacts me". He'll probably delay contacting you (part of the training to bring you to heel) thinking that will have you nicely taking the blame on yourself, so he's going to absolutely freak when you tell him he's dumped. So remember - block him on every channel.

If you can’t bring yourself to dump this awful guy (and you really should!) at least seriously pull him up. Tell him that you were hurt by his comments and hurt by his reaction when you told him you were hurt. Tell him if he can’t listen and understand then he’s going to wreck the relationship. And especially if he then ignores you!

Yes the "jokey" way of saying things is a method of undercutting you. It is a method of not allowing you to have an opinion. It shows disrespect. I feel you should treat him like the child that he is. Explain in a calm, monotone voice that that is unacceptable and not appropriate behaviour. No moaning, nagging, crying or shouting. Just a monotone voice. Explain what will happen should this or similar behaviour e.g so and so's Wedding or event coming up and you will not be attending....or whatever it is you do for him such as meals/ errands/favours....pick which consequence .then follow through with the consequence which is the hardest part. Don't accept anger or raised voice or bad language or tantrum or a "I love you and a sorry" as this will probably occur ..ignore it. If he does not respect your wishes then he is not who you think he is. His actions not his words will count in line of respect for your views/feelings. keep us updated

Cruel comments wrapped up as ‘jokes’ or ‘banter’ are unacceptable. It’s just a way for him to say what he really thinks but have a get-out by claiming he didn’t mean it. If he didn’t think that, it wouldn’t occur to him to say it.

Also, if he doesn’t like difficult discussions this is unlikely to change. I spent 2 years with someone like this. I wouldn’t waste anymore time if I were you.

Firstly he is a stonewaller. This means all his relationships will be unhappy and are very likely to fail. Stonewalling is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse when it comes to relationships, that can't be overstated. Massive red flag.

Beyond that, especially since you have an anxious attachment style, I think this man will end up really really hurting you over time. His style of interacting is acutely painful for you. Don't expose yourself to that pain!! Its not meant to be this difficult. Find a kind, nice man who is gentle with you and wants to hear about how you feel.