Boyfriend who won't discuss issues

[overthinker121]

I will preface this by saying that my boyfriend and I both live apart - alone - and have been seeing each other over lockdown but counting each other as part of our 'households'. We are both working from home and receiving shopping deliveries so we are not coming into contact with anybody else and we felt this was best for our relationship.

I am 29 and he is 30. We have been together for over a year and I have a great time when I'm with him. He's affectionate, funny and helpful. I am very much a believer in airing problems as they arise, talking them through and resolving them whereas he doesn't seem to be able to do this - in the past it has led to arguments or me taking the blame just so we can stop the uncomfortable feeling between us.

He is very money motivated and has a cut throat, high flying job in the city which he is rightly proud of. I have taken a different approach to my career, where career satisfaction and care for others is my priority, not money, and this means I don't work the 14 hour days he does. At times he can be disparaging about this - in a jokey/teasing way - eg last night he was talking about his friend who doesn't like hard work 'like someone I know' (ie me). Although it was intended as a joke, I did find it upsetting - I work hard and the work I do is to a high standard but we can't all be city high flyers.

He made this comment yesterday and at the time I tried to retort but he just said 'whatever' and carried on with his story. Thinking about it more today, i decided that I needed to let him know that I was a bit concerned about his comment as it implies he doesn't hold any respect or value for my work. I explained this in a message to him and he just said he will never be able to talk to me about anything if I react like this. I replied, reiterating my point that it makes me feel like he doesn't value what I do because of my hours and earnings and he replied 'well clearly I don't think that'. I said that that was all I needed to know and tried to lighten the tone with some chit chat.

However, he didn't reply. I hate the thought of there being a problem that we haven't resolved so I called him to talk about it and he ignored me. He's now obviously asleep, whilst I'm awake worrying about it.

I have an anxious attachment style which I try not to let get the better of me so I have deleted his number until he contacts me (I am supposed to be seeing him on Saturday) as I don't want to be pathetically chasing him.

I suppose my concern here is one of compatibility. How do we move forward harmoniously and iron out any little issues if he won't talk and just shuts down? How can I get him to understand that I wasn't having a go at him, just trying to have an adult conversation that would hopefully strengthen the relationship in the future?

Another concern is the lack of reply to my message and lack of response to my call. I know he saw the call as he was online when I made it, and the message I sent has been left on read. Is this a nasty tactic by him to punish me in some way?

Sorry this is so confused and jumbled. Any thoughts, ideas or advice would be greatly welcome.

Is this the first time he has responded in this way that you are unhappy with and he won't discuss?

If so, raise his behaviour with him otherwise, how will he ever know? He thinks he's ened the discussion make it clear it is not over for you.

If he still can't engage, I refer to previous posters.

People with anxious attachment styles often attract people with narcissistic tendencies. Really worth listening to your gut when these things come up. Your body doesn't lie.

It took me years of online dating to find him
And it's taken a year of getting to know him properly and realise that you're on different pages.

No idea how to explain this to him...he won't understand
I have recently been through this. Explain until you're blue in the face. He won't accept any responsibility for it unless he's lying to get you back.
Ultimately your explanation isn't of any importance to him and you'll end up feeling like you're banging your head against a brick wall.
I'm sure He wouldn't accept the same treatment from you and I'm sure he knows exactly what he is doing to you.
If you have to explain it then just do it once. Don't do it repeatedly for the best part of a year like ii did

"last night he was talking about his friend who doesn't like hard work 'like someone I know' (ie me)."

Nothing annoys me more than being accused of something I haven't done, and then being treated dismissively. This is exactly what he did to you. He accused you of being lazy just because you don't earn as much as you (which is wrong and offensive). And then scoffed and ignored you when you tried to explain how offended you were later. He sounds like a twit.

I'm sorry OP, @WhereYouLeftIt is completely right. You are not an "over thinker" by the way. You have very astutely picked up on some red flags.

Can you imagine having a couple of kids with him and how he might value the role of bringing up kids? You'd be a "lazy sponging stay at home mum" "living the life of Riley" while he is the hard working breadwinner. You'd have to ask him for money and justify it.

That fucker has basically called you lazy and got the hump when you have the balls to call him out. Fuck him! Keep that ball rolling. The next time you see him, bring it up again. Stand firm and don't back down. He needs to acknowledge what he said and apologise. His reaction will tell you all you need to know. X

Try to avoid ‘city high flying’ men if you can. I would not date one as they tend to fit what you have described.