SM obsession

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I've name changed for this, regular poster (although not obsessed )

I am still in the early stages of relationship but my DP seems to be obsessed with social media and it really grates on me.
I am not exaggerating when I say he is online on Facebook most days for around 15 of the 18 hours he is awake & if it isn’t Facebook it’s bloody Instagram.

The first thing he does when he wakes up is checks Facebook, then Instagram.
Adverts of TV programmes, between episodes of Netflix, on the toilet, waiting for the bath to run, all day whilst at work. You name it, he is on it but he will put he phone away if we are out for dinner / cinema / dates etc.

I have Facebook and Instagram myself but mainly go on there is I get a message / tagged etc, I do not spend my life on there.
I started to notice that when I went on messenger, he was online every time (can see who is active along the top).

He very rarely posts anything on there so I don’t really understand what there is to see on there all day? Maybe I’m just past the times?(35)

I have suggested to him that he is on there all day and he admits he is on there a lot he’s just bored so looking through and on messenger and in group chats.
Apparently - his words - social media is a big part of his life and I am going to have to get use to it as that won’t be changing.

So I suppose my question is, is this normal behaviour for a 30 year old male, am I getting irritated for no reason?

It's not normal and I would run for the hills. He has a very unhealthy obsession and is unlikely to get better. Don't waste your time with a man who is emotionally unavailable and already annoying you. You're 35, you should know this by now.

No it becomes really even more irritating trust me. Especially when they would rather do that than talk to you

He lurves social media.

Most probably a sign of deeper issues! Sadly. But NOT your problem. He thinks you should "get used to it"! LOL. I think he should just take a hike!

If I were you, I'd be moving right along. Speedily.....

P.s. any idea why you are questioning your totally healthy instincts re. this eejit on this matter ....?

I read the title as S&M. Hahaha.

I read it as step mother obsession. That would be worse. But yes 15 hours a day is ridiculous and I’d swerve him over this.

Every one has their own interest/hobbies/habits as you know. I'm usually on FB, Mumsnet and Pokemon Go most of the day :)

I wouldn't have a problem with someone doing whatever they wanted online, though if they are faffing with it excessively while you're trying to chat to them/with them it can be annoying. But you said he doesn't do it when you're out.

He's right that he's entitled to like what he likes and spend his free/online time as he wishes. if you for some reason don't like it this much then he's maybe is not the man for you.

It's not something you should try and make him change if he's happy with it.

What's he actually doing - just browsing or is he chatting all the time?

pre-internet, such a person was probably in a shed playing with his tools 24/7... not necessarily anything "wrong" with that, but most likely personal-relational differences IMHO. autism, aspergers, etc?

if thats your bag, well fine and dandy.

If not, I'd say, move right along.

sometimes life's that simple.

Healthy relationships are about compromise, compatibility and communication.

This one is lacking in all 3.

Why is he so fascinated in other people’s digits lives rather than immersing himself in the RL one he is living. Is it more attractive to him? Does he compare? Is he insecure?

Sounds like he is emotionally disconnected and preoccupied. How does that feel for you? What the distraction actually is gaming, SM, work, addiction isn’t always v relevant.

His words and actions to you are dismissive, unkind and disrespectful and you know this in your gut.

@ilikebigbuttsandicannotlie I'd rather it was a bit of S&M right now

This is my first relationship since I came out of a 10 year one, 3 years ago, where social media was rarely used, so I didn't know if I'm just nit-picking, hence I asked the question also.

Thanks for your replies -
He says he is chatting in groups chats and browsing - I don't know how many group chats go on all day every day though, especially through work hours. My group chat is on WhatsApp and used to arrange things. Which at present is nothing!

Another thing he said earlier today when I asked him why he spends so much time on social was;
'I'll go on what I want when I want and if you don't like it then tough'
He then apologised for speaking to me like that a little while later, but still... a bit much.

I understand everyone uses SM but this is just a tad OTT in my opinion.

I read the title as S&M. Hahaha.

@ilikebigbuttsandicannotlie and so you clicked on it 🤣

Ge sounds addicted OP. Has he also got real life friendships? Hobbies? Are his SM connections real people or people he doesn’t know?

'I'll go on what I want when I want and if you don't like it then tough'

He'd be gone immediately if he said that to me.

Urgh no I don’t like his answer
Fine some people have a lot of friends but they usually have a massive FOMO problem and therefore can’t bear to be left out of anything

Also this being bored answer - that’s an issue. There will be a crap load of things he could be doing, but I bet he is prioritising social media over most of them!

And yeah you know what, I found it offensive that my ex would rather see what Stuart from primary school who he hasn’t seen for 19 years is doing now he lives in Sweden rather than talking to me, or doing anything productive 😂

Gosh I have to admit it reminds me of myself a little, but only in terms of the frequency, not the social media aspect. I'll have a look at Facebook a couple of times a day but have no other social media.

However, I do browse a lot and I always like to be entertained when I'm doing mundane things on my own like prepping and cooking in the kitchen and all those other little "in between" moments as you have described. Part of it is anxiety related, I like my mind to be occupied when I'm on my own.

It definitely doesn't come above communicating with others IRL though, id much rather be talking to my DP but naturally we aren't glued at the hip.

Sorry my point was SM addiction is real and I think can be a comfort for some if there are any underlying issues?

I listen to podcasts and audiobooks constantly when on my own. Part of it is enjoyment but part of it is definitely to have people to listen to. Maybe he felt the same way about SM but it's now become too much of a crutch and become a problem?

Either way, his answer was a bit off. He might just be asserting himself in case he feels that too attempting to "control" what he perceives as "little things" as a red flag? I'm not saying he's right at all to think that, just trying to see it from another perspective which is helpful when you're trying to communicate with someone.

You*

Would absolutely not have anyone speak to me like that. There is no excusing that.

When i had social media it was usually on in the background in some way throughout the day. But I would only actually be browsing it for short periods of time. And if there were convos then they would usually be pretty short. Iike, half an hour chat with a mate or two once or twice per day, tops. Unless I was chatting up a guy I liked or something...

I don't like to be glued to my phone though. But I would probably be put off by your partners amount if time on it if he is constantly chatting/browsing throughout that time, yes. It's too much.

But the talking to you like that ...instant relationship ender.

SM Bore, you don't need that in your life ( repeat to yourself until it's sorted)

How he put it was rude and doesn't make it sound like he's that into you, but he does have a point.

How would you like it if he expressed disapproval of, pressurized about. or tried to control or change how you choose to pass the time?

Doesnt sound like the foundation for a happy relationship regardless if whether what he is doing is normal or not - "if you dont like what I'm doing, too bad"
I'd call that a big fat 'red flag'

He does have RL friends yes, a small group and then a couple of others. Hobbies no (unless you class going down the pub every weekend and getting shitfaced a hobby - before CV19 obviously)

'Friends' on fb, the majority he knows, some he accepts randomly and before we met he was on every dating site going so he added a lot of women from then. (Came off OLD after about a month of seeing me)
I have no reason not to trust him but now I'm questioning whether that's why he is constantly on social media. Now I'm sounding insecure!

@NoMoreDickheads not trying to control it, haven't asked him to stop it or anything, I've only asked him why he is online so much & just wondered if it was the norm.

He sounds like a loser. It’s really sad spending so much time watching other peoples lives instead of living. That in itself would be a huge turn off. But if someone spoke to me like he did you, early on in a new relationship....uh, no. Ended.

So I am imagining he is physically and emotionally unavailable when he is down the pub shitfaced and then hungover all weekend - on top of all his SM stuff - when are you actually relating with him?

You deserve better. Do you have kids?