How to pull back from intensity of on line exchange .

[whitefluffyslippers]

Hoping You can guide me please.
I started to chat to man on tinder some
weeks ago and it got intense very quickly. Chatting for hours at a time and regular daily texting.
We got into the habit of him
Making all the first calls/ texts etc and that suited me fine as I am busy with kids and work.Now however I feel that he has taken control of the exchanges in that he lets me know when he will call me and when he is free to talk for example.
I feel uncomfortable with this as I feel that it puts me into the 'waiting girl' category of that makes sense.
Our conversations are beginning to centre on him and while he is very interesting and engaging,I feel that he just skims over my contribution to conversation.
Now I understand that he doesn't talk to any other adult all day long and he is a serious talker but I'm
Beginning to get a bit bored.
I like him, he seems
Interested as am I , but the contact has really slowed down. Is this normal or is he getting bored too ? Or is this a natural progression after the intensity of the first few weeks of intense talking and getting to know one another?
I don't think I want to end the exchange but how do I pull Away a little and take back equality in our exchanges ? I am brand new to online discourse and have been in a single relationship of twenty years so this is a whole new world to me.. Dipping my toe in so to speak! Thanks if you've read this far .

Shameless bump??

I know it's currently impossible but the answer is to meet in real life. 9 times out of 10 there won't be any chemistry and it will fizzle out. In the meantime just cool it off. Leave messages waiting, answer shortly etc. He should get the clue. If he doesn't respond appropriately then he isn't right for you. It's VERY easy to get invested in online relationships because you are each only presenting want your wish too, which is usually what you think the other wants.

Thanks. It's a terrible time me to be on line dating! And I have started to overthink this. I did wonder how f this is the natural progression of OLD? Does it start very intense and then balance out?

When he tells you what time he's planning to call, maybe tell him that doesn't work for you and give him a time that suits you better? Even if the time he specifies would be ok, it'll make you feel a bit more in control and as if you're not waiting around.

Maybe he senses that you're getting bored? It's understandable you're rather bored if he's focusing the conversation around him and glossing over your contributions - but would you really want to continue a relationship where the other person doesn't show much interest in you?

Is he the only man you've been talking to? Maybe talk to others too, take the focus of him so much?

Good advice about talking to others too. The chances of him amounting to anything are small. I know it's fashionable to be suspicious of men in MN but do you know why he's giving you available times, sure he isn't in a relationship?
You would probably benefit from joining the dating thread here, they are experienced and cynical.

If it starts out too intense, it's hard to maintain that intensity, almost 'too much, too soon'. I always think it's better to start out calmly and with measured intent. Intensity can come later!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3883310-Dating-Thread-188-Living-and-Loving-in-the-Lockdown
Here it is.

Perhaps he's talking to other women too? So whilst you're putting all your eggs in his basket (so to speak) he's busily chatting to various women, hence hs seeming waning interest. Though you're not missing out on much if he's not demonstrating much interest in you.

He says he isn't talking to anyone else and had come off tinder. We speak from nine every night for hours so I expect he is telling the truth somewhat.but lately he tells me when he is or isn't available.
How do I join the other thread please do r do I just repeat my story.
I'm a little unsettled with the change in habit that is all.I suspect it may be fizzling out but don't want it to be awkward .thanks

Just click on the thread and write a little introduction and what advice you need. They are nice there. It's usually very active but maybe less so with the problems at the moment.

Weeks of that much intense talking is not really sustainable. And you're saying in your latest update you speak every night still for hours?

How much are you really exchanging getting to know each other and how much are you just listening to him monologuing?

I personally have learnt from this same mistake and try and keep things lighthearted, fun and flirty. Deep stuff just isn't sustainable, you want to be looking forward to chatting to someone rather than thinking another deep chat! I also think it's normal people step back if they haven't met you yet. Meet him then decide.

Yes we speak every night for a matter of hours on and off .
Last night it was less and nothing this morning. It is not that I am needy or clingy, it would s that the pattern has changed and he doesn't seem as keen to engage as he did. I wondered if this was natural progression when things start intense or losing interest

It's bad manners as much as anything else for him to tell you when he'll call - he doesn't know you personally and should ask when it's a good time for him to call.

Also if he calls at 9 pm until you sleep then what if you want a bath, want to watch something on television or want to speak to someone else?

Thanks @ HollowTalk . He and I both have children with us all the time and it's after their bedtime we chat. He is subtle in that he says that he is free at a given time and suggests me or him
Calling whenever it suits me.
I have decided to just give this a skip and not be so available. My gut tells me that he thinks he has me where he wants me and that is not actually true ! I just need to know if this is normal to reduce intensity after a full on few weeks.

I would definitely reduce it - don't put all your eggs into his basket! Even if you're sitting there twiddling your thumbs, avoid talking every single night and don't get into any kind of intimate chat before you actually meet him. Do you video chat or talk on the phone?

Talk on the phone and text.ill reduce it and not be available. I like him and we get on great but would like to pull it back to save it somewhat.

Thanks

I would pull back. I was in a short RS that got this way without me noticing and it was always him controlling the calls and texts, when they were and how long. I found myself waiting a lot and then getting irritated by it.
Also don’t call as much! And try to see if he will talk about your topics for a change

lately he tells me when he is or isn't available.

Have you ever said 'no' to him? Are you always available? Start with 'no I'm not available then' and suggest a different time, you might find he pulls away from you.

Ring someone else at 9pm. Show him there’s other people in your world. Tell him you’re needing to speak to other people in the evening as well as him and you can only do Tuesday/fri/Sunday. You don’t even know him yet..

Thanks for recent advice also. I will
Make plans for each evening that don't involve chatting to him every night. It has become a habit where we chat, have a glass of wine or
Two and just rabbit on about everything and anything. We are both single parents with no support or other adult contact throughout the day so the evenings have just become a lovely habit , when the kids are asleep.
I will do that as I would hate to lose contact as he is lovely and great company . I might simply say that I have chats organised with others and will ring him the following night.i need to take back control here .

Have you even had a skype 'date' or anything similar? You are very close (if not both feet in) a fantasy relationship situation. As is he, if he has truly come off Tinder.

Spending this much time on a person you haven't met gives you no chance to do your 'due diligence'. It gets you overly-invested in a person who could easily be pretending to be something he isn't. Asking if this is how it 'usually goes' isn't the right question, because these are unusual times. To only be chatting still at this point would be a huge red flag, usually.

But at least a 'face to face' e-date would give you some more idea of who he really is.

No video date yet but we spoken about it. We may do this at the weekend. Thanks

The old adage 'treat em mean to keep em keen' springs to mind op. Perhaps lighten the conversation by playing a game (photo of a noughts & crosses with one X in or a close or photo he's got to guess), sending a silly photo or a joke or batty book, or suggest playing something together online that you can chat along to. If that runs then take control and say I'll call you for a proper chat on * day, does that suit?