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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner said hes unsure about us

49 replies

Lila226 · 06/05/2020 14:45

Been with my dp for a few years now, we have a dc together. When I asked about having another dc he told me he doesnt want to have another dc with me until he us sure about me.

Im not sure why I'm posting, maybe just to get it off my chest. I now feel like my world has been turned upside down.

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 06/05/2020 14:48

You've been together a few years and have a child and he is now saying he is 'unsure' about you like you've only been dating a couple of months?!

Tell him to fuck off then. You'd be nuts to have another child with this man.

vikingwife · 06/05/2020 14:48

Are you guys generally happy? Are there any other issues in the relationship, or is this comment out of the blue ? How long have you been together & how old is your child ?

Zhuleva · 06/05/2020 14:48

What a horrible thing for him to say - did he explain what he meant or why he was thinking this way? Hope you're as OK as you can be

Troels · 06/05/2020 15:06

So he gets to decide? Take control of your life, if you want another child dump his arse and go live your life and find a new partner.
He can waffle about and waste your time if you don't decide for yourself.

Original poster
Lila226 · 06/05/2020 15:24

I thought we were happy. I thought we were going in the right direction.
I always wondered how he could be with someone like me, im not overly attractive, im pudgy since having dc. He is the opposite. So i guess i was right to wonder.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/05/2020 15:53

If he has made you feel "good enough for now" then you have every right to be upset and angry with him.

But you also need to be practical about how that one statement could change your future. As others have said, this isn't something he has the only voice on. You too are entitled to act on how you now feel.

But one thing is certain you won't be feeling loved, or valued, or secure. He has taken that from you.

What do you want to do about it?

ErickBroch · 06/05/2020 15:54

You poor thing - leave him! You shouldn't be treated like this.

GilbertMarkham · 06/05/2020 16:02

That is really shitty op.

The phrase comes to mind "don't make someone your choice when they're making you an option".

Whatever happens I'd be looking at how you'd manage on your own.

He sounds uncommitted and so immature/arrogant etc he'd actually exprees that lack.of commitment to your face.

At least you've been warned though it's cold comfort.

searchaway · 06/05/2020 16:03

I’m sure you’re perfectly attractive and pudgy compared to what? A supermodel? Stop putting yourself down. My sister in law is over a size 20 and her husband is very conventionally attractive. He’s crazy about her. There are millions of people in the world and you don’t have to measure your attractiveness by what one idiot thinks of you! If he doesn’t want you, there will be a lovely, kind person out there who does. Don’t waste your time or life on somebody who isn’t sure about you. You’ve got a lot of love to give. Life is short. You want another child. It’s his loss. Do yourself a huge favour and say “I’m too good to be jerked around by you mate. We’re done and I’m starting to date again. Bye”

Coffeecak3 · 06/05/2020 16:52

OP you should be his world and if you're not then my advice is find someone who will cherish you.
I'm a 62 year old granny, I have wrinkles and flab but my dh doesn't see any difference in me now to what I looked like 40 years ago. He still thinks I'm gorgeous.

Don't be second best.

Honeybee85 · 06/05/2020 16:53

I wouldn't want to be with someone who was so unsure about me.
You deserve better.

AgentJohnson · 06/05/2020 16:56

Urgh! What a tool.

BigMamaFratelli · 06/05/2020 17:03

ExP always made me feel like I was lucky to be with him. It wasn't easy, but I left him and I'm a million times happier with a lovely DP who adores me. Life's too short for that shit. You're worth more than that OPFlowers

holrosea · 06/05/2020 17:07

I am surprised that he would say "until he's sure" after years together and a DC. Christ, he must have knocked you for six.

My first thought when reading your post was "has something changed?" and honestly, could it be a warning sign that something is wrong? Have you had a feeling that things are not quite right or that you're drifting apart? Kids can do that - and knowing that something is up can push you decide to work on your relationship outside of being co-parents. (Sidenote: he could have phrased it better if this is his concern).

However, if this is a bolt from the blue, I would strongly suggest that you take PP advice to heart: you have a say in this too. It's your life, your relationship, and your family. If he's just turned your world upside down and expects you to wait and see if he gets more "sure", it is definitely time to think about what you want. xxx

TorkTorkBam · 06/05/2020 17:11

It is unusual for someone to be that much of a dick out of the blue. What other stuff does he do to make you feel shite?

Also, surely he was sure when he got you pregnant with your first? What has changed?

mommybear1 · 06/05/2020 19:25

Good grief OP that's an awful thing to say to you. I'm so sorry. It maybe hard but if you were my daughter I'd say don't wait around for him to call the shots if he is not certain he wants to be with you and you already have a DC together why should you wait for him to decide you are worthy of so much more. It's a horrible way for him to act and treat you. You deserve better remember that - you say you are "pudgy" and always wondered what he saw in you - you that's who he saw wonderful lovely you - your appearance is your shell that's it you have the power to change that, if that's what you want - but do that for you not to please him. I was obese when I met my now DH and always wondered what he saw in me (he was younger/fitter etc) he's always said he loves me for me even when I lost the weight things didn't change or when I put some back on with DC. He's my biggest supporter and thanks to him I am now my own - you can be/will be too. Don't let him treat you like this you deserve so so much more. Please do feel free to DM me if I can help in any way Thanks

Windyatthebeach · 06/05/2020 19:28

Could there be ow awaiting in the wings?

Original poster
Lila226 · 06/05/2020 19:44

Ow i dont know, i dont think so.

OP posts:
CobblersPose · 06/05/2020 19:48

Has he explained what he means? What a weird thing to say after already having a child.

Original poster
Lila226 · 07/05/2020 00:23

I dont know what to do or think. I am supposed to just get on with things as normal. His evening has continued as normal.

OP posts:
Thisismytimetoshine · 07/05/2020 00:27

What an immature tosser.

Wanderlust21 · 07/05/2020 00:38

I'd break up with him for that. If he wasnt sure about you then why the fuck did he have the first child with you?

Also, people dont say shit like that to people for any other reason than it being about control. Is he manipulative in other ways? Does he put you down? Does he gaslight? Because I cant ever imagine a man (who wishes a relationship to continue on after saying it) saying such a thing! Unless it is to pull the carpet out from under you. A control thing. Horrible.

Make up his mind for him. Turf the sicco, mind-fucker out

DeeCeeCherry · 07/05/2020 03:20

He's telling you he doesn't see you as his life partner. As sad as it is you need to listen to him. Later down the line when he leaves, he'll say he already told you he wasn't sure about you. He clearly doesn't want to leave right now/keeping his options open/comfortable home life going until he's ready, but in your shoes I'd make the choice for him and sling him out sooner rather than later.

Mary1935 · 07/05/2020 06:35

Um well does he still want to have sex with you?
He’s a cheeky bastard.
You need to defend yourself - we’ll protect your self.
It’s not kind what he said.
I really would clarify with him what he means.
Tell him if he’s not happy he can go.
Do not let him under mine you.
He may up his abuse you do.
Please challenge him.
Ie What did you mean when you said “you don’t want to have another child until your sure about me?”
Do not let it slide. He will see you as a walkover.
Watch out for his snide comments.
You are off value.

Is he parenting his child fairly.
Is he doing what he should do at home.

Biscuit0110 · 07/05/2020 06:40

I would work on your self esteem - quite frankly if my dh said he was unsure about us, I would be asking him to leave until he was more clear on the subject.

No it is not good enough to show so little commitment to you or his children, he is either in or he is out.

Do NOT have anymore children with someone so flaky, there is a risk you are going to be left high and dry. Ensure you have bullet proof contraception, and take a step back to reevaluate your relationship.