Fed up of feeling like I'm always doing it 'wrong'

[Dranktoomuchpepsi]

DH related. I can't really pinpoint it exactly. It confuses me. But basically, I often feel like I'm walking on egg shells but can't work out if I'm just being an idiot here.

It's DH and 'time' related. For example, he isn't keen on having our handful of a toddler on his own. Would rather I took him with me all the time because he prefers 'mummy' (it isn't untrue).

Anyway, if I do something like go to a supermarket, and I say I am going to a supermarket, that should be it. If I don't tell him I'm also going to supermarket AND thz' decide to visit another shop, DH will be sighing and pissy with me about it since I didn't say beforehand that I was going there.

It is much more apparent and worse if he's left with DS. For example, I work on a Saturday sometimes. Usually start at 9 and finished by 3, but it differs. By 1 I always get a text to say 'any chance you know when you're finishing, come straight home please,' If I said 2, finished at 2 and then popped to the shops for something and was back before 3, he wouldn't be happy. He would get the hump and then when questioned, would say 'I told you to come straight home' or 'you said you were finishing early, why not just come straight home?'

Is this normal OR am I the annoying one for often going other places that I haven't mentioned?

This isn't normal, it's highly controlling. Is there anything else he controls in your behaviour?

This is not normal. I'd be pissed off to receive a text like that from DH (unless of course there was a particular reason why he needed me to get home ASAP). He needs to stop hassling you and parent his own child.

Code No, nothing I can think of just now. Just seems time wise he's very interfering.

It is my fault a lot of the time though, obviously not during lockdown but I often 'go to town' at weekends. I say I will be a couple of hours but can be gone for 4 or 5 if I get carried away browsing etc

Does he get equal or more free time, uncontrolled by you? Something tells me he does.

My husband who I’ve just separated from was always exactly the same. On the rare occasion I’d ask him to have one of our 2 DC’s so I could spend time with the other or just run an errand minus children, he’d always ask me to hurry home and text me to ask when I’d be back and question me about why I had to go to xyz shop and why couldn’t I have done it before work yesterday etc.
It’s not healthy, it’s a shame he isn’t viewing this as quality time with your DS, and like has been said above, it’s actually quite controlling! And it’s not even like you’re going out to have a well earned coffee to yourself... he’s like this about you being in an extra shop!

Possibly he’s insecure or feels like he can’t cope on his own, but it’s not healthy either way. Have you confronted him as to why this is such a big deal for him?

He sounds like he's struggling with looking after ds op. Doesn't have the confidence (or maybe patience but he has to learn to build a good relationship).

Could you help him by leaving some activities for them to do or suggest something. You don't say how old you are nor the ds but just because you feel like it's natural, he may not. Try and get them to bond more with your support. It'll be best for you all in the long run.

I think you need to have a proper conversation about this. You should be able to find a compromise that works for both of you.

Not normal. He's controlling. Is he normally controlling? Does he control other areas e.g. finance/food etc? If not, maybe it's anxiety around parenting your child-which doesn't in any way excuse the controlling behaviour but may make it easier to work together on eliminating it.

It's not your fault. You aren't on the clock when you're just living your life. Why should you rush back because he doesn't want to look after his child?

He needs to step up and parent his own child and stop clockwatching.

pog Well he goes to the gym BUT DC is in bed by that time anyway. He goes for a walk but again DC in bed.

He use to get annoyed when I'd visit his sister during the day during my maternity leave, and he'd be working. I would often 'pop round' but end up leaving my own house at 11 and not coming home until 6pm

DH wanted us home for when he got in, and didn't like it at all if I stayed out any longer than that (we live 10 mins apart). He would be extremely arsey if I wasn't home before him. I'd often say I would be home for 5 but get carried away chatting and end up leaving later... But I wasn't in a pub drinking. Just chatting with his sister and seeing the kids.

I wouldn't even mind but often DC does frustrate the life out of him so I don't really get why he's so keen to have us all home

Controlling idiot, basically.

Could you help him by leaving some activities for them to do or suggest something. You don't say how old you are nor the ds but just because you feel like it's natural, he may not. Try and get them to bond more with your support. It'll be best for you all in the long

DS has suspected ASD and doesn't communicate much at all. So activities don't work at the moment. It is hard

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You are not being an idiot here and you also write that you are walking on eggshells (code to my mind for living in fear). Your H is controlling you and such behaviour is abusive behaviour. He wants absolute power and control over you here in terms of where you go and who you see.

I would consider whether you actually want to stay with this man at all now because you (and in turn your son) will be in for more of the same from him. You also write that the DC frustrate the hell out of him (your H) too, you want them to see that further as they are growing up?. It sounds like this entitled man does as he wants and when he wants it whilst you are on the clock or otherwise being monitored to see where you are, and most importantly to him, who you are with. He wants you in a cage of his own paranoid making.

Do read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft and do not let your H see you do so.

I had exactly this issue with my ex. It was a constant drilling, made me feel like I was always in a rush, triggered anxiety and made me feel exhausted. I know that feeling. I look back and think, it is not normal to overthink and feel anxious about doing normal day to day activities but at the time it was my normal. Cant really offer much advice but I know how you feel Xx

He's controlling and doesn't like parenting his child. He will cause your mental health to decline - see how RainWoman19 felt while with her ex.

Sounds like he’s struggling looking after ds and counting down the time until you’re home which needs sorting.

I’m probably the only one with any sympathy for him purely because my DH is an awful “nipper” and often nips to Tescos, BnQ, the garage or wherever and can be gone for hours when I’m expecting him home in twenty mins. Doesn’t think to mention that he also might call to his mother’s, to look at a job, Asda if Tesco doesn’t have what he wants etc and then I’m sat there like a lemon waiting for him to watch a film or something. It infuriates me now but was worse when the kids were very young and I was waiting for help. Whereas If I say I’m going to Tesco, I go to Tesco then come home.

He's in the wrong.

My girlfriend is like you. She has every intention of rushing to the shop. I know she loves to browse. It's her release.

But I feel the irritation when our baby is being a bit difficult, or one of the bigger two is acting up. I can feel resentment that she's not there helping. But I KNOW I'm being unfair. So I don't push it on her. I tell her to take her time on the way out.

I have the typical male failing of believing on some subconscious level that mums have magic parenting skills, energy and patience that we can never have. But I know rationally that it's BS - it's just a convenient excuse passed down for generations to justify our irritation at actually having to parent when it gets hard.

As for the baby preferring mum. We're past that, but only because we've worked a lot on making it so. I had to spend a lot of time with her before she graciously forgave me for my lack of boobs. I don't think that would have happened easily if I'd handed her back at the first opportunity every time.

He's abusive
Can you call women's aid on one of your next allowed outings?

I'd be posted off if my partner said they would be out for two hours then stayed out for 7 hours. It's fucking rude and takes the person left at home for granted. If you always over extend the time you say you'll be out then YOU have a time management problem not him.

I think you're taking the piss with your casually thoughtlessly extended trips.

For what it's worth DS is made about his dad. Absolutely pines after him and doesn't stop kissing him and annoying him by climbing all over him.

It's been really hard some days during lockdown because DS just constantly wants to sit on DH, and DH is in the living room with a little table set up next to the sofa. It works well for him, he's comfortable. It's DS that's annoying him eventually. It's really stressful sometimes. Other times DH seems to have loads of time for him

Do not stay with this man purely and simply because your DS is mad about his dad. His dad also in turn alternates between being nice and being horrible towards him; this will end up further confusing your son too.

What do you want to teach your DC about relationships and what are they learning here?.

You call all this from him stressful; your son would likely feel similarly too.

As Ronnie and Sophie say, it's not as clear cut as it seems at first. DH will be out all day at work, then nip to the shops on the way home (not essentials, browsing for junk food, basically). When the children were small, it would be the gym three times a week directly after work.

If I was struggling with the kids, house and cooking, it was really irritating when he swanned in after they were in bed.

So I suppose it depends.

Be reliable about time, and see whether he gets less anxious about it.

Pickle but he isn't struggling with kids or trying to accomplish house work and cooking dinners etc. I do all the cleaning. Yes he has DS for me sometimes but I'm usually the one with him all the time

It's hard to be reliable with time sometimes. For example, if I went to a shop (with DS even), and then decided that actually I need another shop because I forgot something, he would have the arse

You sound like you're a bit of a 'faffer'. I lived with someone like this (without kids). It was always, 'I'm leaving in ten minutes' and hours later still not have appeared. Or they got 'distracted' or 'lost track of time' chatting etc. I found it so, so annoying, but it was my issue. If someone tells me they'll be half an hour, that's what I'll work around. Then they swan in hours later with a shrug and an 'oops!' and I see red, but that's because I'm never late and respect people's time. My stress levels actually raise when I've said I'll be somewhere at x time and I might be late.

However, he doesn't own you or get to control what you do and when. He's being out of line. It's both a control thing and he wants to push any parenting back onto you so he doesn't have to bother.

The solution is don't give him an indication of how long you'll be and ignore any chasing up of when you'll be back. He'll probably sulk but then that's your decision as to whether you can live with that or leave. Ultimately it's down to him to accept you as you are (a faffer who loses track of time ) and not down to you to conform to his controlling rules.