Help - Depressed ex husband unbearable after split

[JPlusTwo]

Hi everyone.
I split up with my husband around 8 weeks ago and I’m finding his reaction really overwhelming and hard to deal with. Just looking for some kind of encouragement that things do get easier or advice on how to cope if it doesn’t?

Things haven’t been good for a long time, we’ve known each other over a decade and we have never had a great relationship if I’m honest with myself, he’s a very selfish man and as the years have gone on it’s been harder for his personality to be compatible with family life. He’s struggled with depression for half of our relationship and most of our marriage which has been tough, mostly for him of course but I’ve taken on everything short of doing his 9-5 job for him for the last 3 years as a result and reached breaking point. We haven’t been a ‘partnership’ for a long time and he hasn’t been an active dad, choosing not to come out most weekends with us and if we stay in with him, sitting on the computer/Xbox and not interacting with me or the kids. Our 5 year old was starting to feel let down and angry as a result of the lack of interaction when he needed it and that was a big wake up call.

I haven’t been happy for a long time and don’t love him anymore, but have tried so hard to make it work through his depression feeling like it would be something we could tackle together with him going to counselling/taking medication. But he hasn’t pulled through the other side and has threatened to walk out several times because he wasn’t happy, and after the most recent time of him doing this I agreed he should and he hasn’t lived here since.
During our time apart though he has been desperate to come back, promising every change under the sun, being so sorry for the man and dad he’s been. Hes angry that I have the ‘upper hand’ being in our house (rented) and having the kids love 24/7, and that my choice to not see this through has completely ‘fucked his life up’. He’s come to see the children one weekend day a week which has been working well for us all but in between that it’s a constant cycle of promise to change, anger when I tell him it’s all too late, him declaring he doesn’t want to see the kids anymore because he can’t separate them from us and then back to square one of pleading for me to give him a chance to change.

I love being a mum so very much and they give me so much happiness and joy, but his hurt (although totally understandable and expected) is grinding me down so much and becoming totally unbearable and I don’t know what to do. Taking him back is not the answer and I know that in my heart but it feels like there’s no other way to escape this.

Sorry for the long post but hope someone can offer some words of advice, encouragement or just a heads up to know I’m not alone. At 24 I’m pretty distraught of the mess my marriage has descended into!

Sounds like you gave him many many chances to change.

I don't have lots of specific advice of how to approach this but there are lots of MNers who will.

Reach out to those who love you, find a counselor for yourself and dig in. He isn't respecting your No. You made the right decision for you and your DC

You need to focus on the reasons you split and tell him that there is no going back.

What did he do to help his depression? I'm assuming very little. He just allowed you to suffer along with him.

He threatened to walk and you eventually agreed . Remind him of that and stand firm. He has to fend for himself and doesn't like that, which is what is driving him to torment you.

You have suffered long enough. Reclaim your life and dont buy into the manipulation and guilt.

He is absolving himself of any responsibility and putting the blame for the marriage breakdown on you. That is the exact opposite of the truth. You did absolutely everything you could until you reached the point where you just couldn’t do it any more. He’s not going to change or accept his responsibilities.

You should tell him that you need a complete break from this and that he should only contact you by email (or text or whatever your preferred method) regarding arrangements to see the children. Don’t answer the phone to him, don’t enter into discussions about the marriage, don’t get drawn into his “woe is me” scenarios. Take time out before responding to anything and, if it’s not about the children, ignore it.

Poor you. You've absolutely done the right thing though. You're still so young and have your whole life ahead of you. Things will get better

Well I wasn’t expecting to wake up again and have any reply but thank you so much for those of you that have, I’m really touched.

@Laserbird16, we had many ‘something serious has to change’ talks so you’re right, I did give him a lot of chances. He agrees with that but is hung up on the ‘one final chance’ that I won’t give him. I will reach out to my family today for a chat for sure, thank you.

@Windmillwhirl, thank you, you’re right. He went to counselling a few years ago and has taken antidepressants on and off (if I reminded him!) but definitely hasn’t had the drive to tackle this depression for himself and I am guilty of trying to do it for him which I see now has not helped at all. I felt like if he could threaten to leave when I’m the one bending over backwards to keep the family unit afloat then what was really left for me?

@TeaForTara, you’re so right in the fact that he’s trying to absolve himself and blame me, which I know will be easier for him to cope with than remembering he is the reason for my feelings.

And finally thank you @mocktail. I hope you’re right. I just count my blessings every day that I have two beautiful kids, a lovely job and people who care around me. He has always had the same but never been able to take that step back and see it. X

You are 24! You can't saddle yourself with his baggage for the rest of your life! You can't fix him, he needs to sort himself out.

I agree with above posters, keep contact very minimal and only about kids. Don't get drawn into his issues as they are his, not yours.

You are not his mummy he needs to sort his own issues out. Well done!

Also you got together at 14!! You are allowed to end relationships you know!

You've done the right thing..

It would likely be a mistake to assume he could change so quickly so you are right to stay apart. I agree with TeaforTara it would be better for you and him to arrange contact with kids only.

In the end it doesn't matter if he blames you for the break up. You know the truth. The kids can work it out too. You likely can't change his mind if he feels like that, but it's an illustration of what the problem was and is. The more he blames you and tries to guilt trip you, the more reason you have to stiffen your resolve.

You have a happy life ahead of you OP. Your DH's feelings are not your responsibility. He has to take ownership of himself. It's not your job to save him.

I agree with the poster who said that you need to give him one way to contact you and block him on everything else. You can give him fair warning, so 'I've told you how I feel about our future relationship and I need you to respect that. If these messages continue, I'm going to have to block you. You need to look for your emotional support with this somewhere else. I'm too busy making sure that me and the kids are OK.'

Tell him clearly and then follow through.

Sounds like you’ve given him lots of chances. And it was affecting your DC life too. He’s trying to be the victim to get you to rescue him by taking him back.

Thank you @MsTSwift... he often told me he felt treated like the 3rd child in the house, and I had to respond by telling him the reason why is he usually acted like one!

I’ve known him for 12 years but I did have another (very unhealthy) relationship in my teens before us getting together with husband and getting pregnant with DS at 18. Becoming a mother has completely overhauled the way I feel about him, perhaps that’s come with age too but I couldn’t sit by letting this be the example my son grows up to have of what a husband and father should behave like. Yes he was a different man for all the years prior to having children, but the selfish side has always been under the surface, and has erupted since me putting the kids before him.

Time to view him and deal with him in a detached way op. Tell him you haven't got the mental health training he needs and do not respond any more. Definitely do not offer help or advice as he won't get better with someone else enabling him to remain at the bottom of the barrel.

Every time you respond he latches on to it so don't respond.

Don't fill him in on what is going on in your life or your DC's unless it impacts on him. Keep a record of every thing he has said though to show a counselor if you need to have coping mechanisms on how not to respond. I am sure if you posted a few on here mnetters will help you device some good no nonsense answers!
I would just ignore or point out how badly it is impacting on you and your DC and keep it positive, say good luck with the counseling or just good luck with getting help. Even if he hasn't said he will go.

Just change your focus op to you and your DC as there are plenty of people who have mh difficulties who are not selfish so the fact he is shows he is manipulative and used to emotionally abusing you because of how kind and caring you are.

Detach detach detach. Go grey rock and spend your energy on you and your DC.

Do not take him back. As pp have said, you don't want to be saddled with carrying this man for the rest of your life. Tell him ONE MORE TIME you are not taking him back, and will no longer respond to his whining. Only contact is to be about the DC via text - and stick to it. Look at his texts only once a day, and no reply to any begging ones. Only answer texts about the DC. Don't answer any phone calls from him.

You need to guard YOUR mental health, it's HIS job to seek help for his.

You had every right to end this 'relationship' while ensuring he has agreed access to the DC.

@TwentyViginti thank you, a firm stance is definitely needed. It’s his job look after his mental health. No one can do this part for him!

Oh God, don't take him back. It sounds like your life will be enriched without him.

Men like that are exasperating. It sounds like he didn't enjoy family life and checked out as much as possible. So it's pretty unbelievable that he's desperate to rejoin it. Desperate to have you skivvying after him so all he has to think about is his xbox ), more like.

As you say he even threatened to leave you when you were holding it all together and "bending over backwards" to help him. He sounds like a conceited individual who thought you would never dare dump him and his threats to leave would keep you in your place. Now you have dumped him and he's gobsmacked and his pride is smarting.

Yes he needs help with his depression but that's his responsibility. You tried and tried to support him and he threw it back in your face.

Also (and I apologise to all those who've suffered from actual depression) I'm a bit suspicious here that his depression was used or exaggerated to opt out of "boring" family life and keep you toeing the line while he did as he pleased.

Don't give him "one last chance". He's already had that. If he was able to change why didn't he do so before?

Op you did the right thing by letting him go, he threatened it possibly much like the 'boy who cried wolf' or man in this case and you responded with an agreement which was the correct action.
Your mental health and that of your DC is important too, you weren't able to check out of parenting like he had.

His mh was his to fix and still is.

All you need to do for him now is facilitate/have DC available for contact.

His selfish demands on your emotional input will drain you. He hasn't changed at all his selfish attitude that you have seen before is still there.

Take a mental break from his outpourings and refuse to respond to anything but contact with DC related questions.

I myself always think that if someone has really changed and is willing to do all it takes to improve themselves sort their behaviour/mental health then one of the changes would be accepting that the other person (you) doesn't owe him anything more & that working on himself will help him realise that the relationship has run its course and just concentrate on parenting his DC.

@JPlusTwo
For a moment I thought you might be married to my ex, honestly my ex was the same bit I did 17 years of his mental health and outer marriage was emotionally abusive, everything revolved around him and his moods - it was awful.

My ex husband had emotional affairs that I brushed under the carpet for years and when I finally ended things 2 years ago he was so shocked I hadnt given him another chance and he definitely would have behaved if he knew I would leave - every indiscretion he had, I told him it was unacceptable and cant continue and I will leave eventually but he never believed it.

I also used to manage my ex's mental health for him.

When we split everything continued the same and I realised we were still in an emotionally abusive ex-marriage so I've got better and better boundaries now.

I'm with someone else who posted that you need boundaries and only one way of contact, I started with boundaries and my ex pushed against them because he didnt like them, as soon as I started following through he started behaving.
For instance I told him not to keep messaging to beg for more chances or to apologise for the things he did because even when I replied he would come back with more questions and we would go round in circles for hours, he didnt stop so I blocked him on WhatsApp.

He is now allowed to text me but his texts are switched off so I only know he has text if I check my phone. I only reply to texts if it concerns our daughter.
Suicide threats are either ignored or i tell him to ring 999 or samaritans.

Emails go to junk and i check only when i am mentally strong enough to deal with them.
Most are ignored as they still go on about the past etc, i only answer if it relates to money or DD but are kept short with no emotion.

If you need any hints to keep being strong keep posting on here.

He’s angry because you aren’t going to be his full time crutch. The status quo suited him, he couldn’t care less about your wants or the needs of his kids if he’s threatening not to see them.

Me, me, me, me, me is all that he’s saying.

He will continue to try and make you responsible for his behaviour because that’s the status quo he’s desperate to maintain. Detach, detach, detach, you leaving his arse isn’t up for negotiation.

@honeylulu I do agree that whilst for the most part depression has been very real for him and has affected his mind and personality, he has used it to excuse him from every action that has upset me or left me struggling, and I’ve felt pretty defenceless against that argument (but despite that am now being to anyone that listens to him as the horrible ex wife who left her depressed husband)

@SortingItOut the fact you lasted 17 years is remarkable, I certainly didn’t have that in me. But well done you for finally being firm and doing the right thing for yourself and your DD in the end. I’m sorry the emotional abuse still carries on for you though after all this time. I must say I’m amazed at the response I’ve had, all the words of encouragement have really helped at a point where I was desperate to hear anything other than his words so thank you to you all x

'You left'.

'No'.

'Please direct any further communications to my solicitor.'

Get a new sim and use that for everything except him. Don't tell him the new number under any circumstances. Only put the old sim in the phone once a week.

Set up a new inbox folder labelled Twunt or something. Set a rule/filter so that all email from him goes directly into the Twunt folder. Only look at it once a week.

Tell him you will not be available to talk to him except about his contact with the children, and that you''ll not necessarily see his texts/calls/emails straightaway so he'll have to be patient.

Do not engage except where you absolutely have to.

See a divorce lawyer and start the process. Then tell him that, other than strictly necessary contact re contact with the children, he will have to go through your solicitor.

Then shove him into the back of your head and get on with living your life.

You’re only 24! That’s great. You’ve got good kids, a good job, good friends. Go live a brilliant happy life. Don’t look back and definitely don’t take him back. He’ll need to sort himself out. You’ve done enough.

I suffer from chronic depression but I am also a mum and although I often worried if I was less fun than other mothers I have never used my depression to evade or avoid my role as a parent or partner.

My DSD and my DC feel I've been a good mother, and my openness about my MH has helped them considerably with their own emotional struggles.

Depressed people can be bleak but they don't need to be unkind or negligent.

Just keep everything to do with the kids when you speak, don't get drawn in.
Wait until he mentions anything else at all and just say it has nothing to do with you anymore. You aren't his nurse, he needs to sort himself out for the sake of his kids.