Help - Depressed ex husband unbearable after split

[JPlusTwo]

Hi everyone.
I split up with my husband around 8 weeks ago and I’m finding his reaction really overwhelming and hard to deal with. Just looking for some kind of encouragement that things do get easier or advice on how to cope if it doesn’t?

Things haven’t been good for a long time, we’ve known each other over a decade and we have never had a great relationship if I’m honest with myself, he’s a very selfish man and as the years have gone on it’s been harder for his personality to be compatible with family life. He’s struggled with depression for half of our relationship and most of our marriage which has been tough, mostly for him of course but I’ve taken on everything short of doing his 9-5 job for him for the last 3 years as a result and reached breaking point. We haven’t been a ‘partnership’ for a long time and he hasn’t been an active dad, choosing not to come out most weekends with us and if we stay in with him, sitting on the computer/Xbox and not interacting with me or the kids. Our 5 year old was starting to feel let down and angry as a result of the lack of interaction when he needed it and that was a big wake up call.

I haven’t been happy for a long time and don’t love him anymore, but have tried so hard to make it work through his depression feeling like it would be something we could tackle together with him going to counselling/taking medication. But he hasn’t pulled through the other side and has threatened to walk out several times because he wasn’t happy, and after the most recent time of him doing this I agreed he should and he hasn’t lived here since.
During our time apart though he has been desperate to come back, promising every change under the sun, being so sorry for the man and dad he’s been. Hes angry that I have the ‘upper hand’ being in our house (rented) and having the kids love 24/7, and that my choice to not see this through has completely ‘fucked his life up’. He’s come to see the children one weekend day a week which has been working well for us all but in between that it’s a constant cycle of promise to change, anger when I tell him it’s all too late, him declaring he doesn’t want to see the kids anymore because he can’t separate them from us and then back to square one of pleading for me to give him a chance to change.

I love being a mum so very much and they give me so much happiness and joy, but his hurt (although totally understandable and expected) is grinding me down so much and becoming totally unbearable and I don’t know what to do. Taking him back is not the answer and I know that in my heart but it feels like there’s no other way to escape this.

Sorry for the long post but hope someone can offer some words of advice, encouragement or just a heads up to know I’m not alone. At 24 I’m pretty distraught of the mess my marriage has descended into!

OP you’ve done your best. He has failed to match your effort to save the marriage. He can cry and blame you all he wants but all that shows is that he’s still not taking responsibility for his own behaviour. If all his promises and declarations meant anything he would have made the effort before now.

You’re still so young. Like others have said keep contact to child related matters only, and make him have his contact with them outside of your house.

Well done for doing the right thing for you and your DC. It took a good many of us a lot longer.

Get a new sim for the phone.

Detach from him.
He is no longer your 3rd child.

He had his chance.

It would be a disaster to bring him back into the home.

Tell him you will only discuss co-parenting and stick to it.

@Whatisthisfuckery thank you, although it’s made me feel like a total failure in a lot of ways and it feels like a constant source of stress and fear and worry I agree that it’s better done now than years down the line when I know my son especially will really feel the effects of all of this.

I have sent him the clear message this evening that I will send him the update on the kids once a day and that’s it. He’s hit me with the control freak label but I’ve said if that’s what it takes to keep me and the kids sane, I’ll wear that. Don’t expect him to stick to no contact but have turned off the notifications, thank you for that idea @SortingItOut

Darling, ignore the name calling. Calling you all the names under the sun only has one result, and it’s not him facing up to his problems or responsibilities. Just remember, each time he lashes out at you he’s actively refusing to confront his own behaviour.

You have already described the cycle of how men like this behave when you break up with them. Cry > blame > lash out, and repeat ad infinitum. If you work through that cycle of thought you’ll realise your feelings don’t figure anywhere. I feel sad > Why do I feel sad? because of what you have done to me > you have ruined my life, you bitch.

Do some reading up on the grey rock technique. it’s really hard to start with but it’ll give you a sense of self satisfaction in the end.

The narcissist’s prayer:

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did...
You deserved it.

"anger when I tell him it’s all too late, him declaring he doesn’t want to see the kids anymore because he can’t separate them from us"

Honestly, this tells you everything about him you need to know doesn't it? He wouldn't make this threat if he was a decent father or man. He's just trying to manipulate you though your love for your children.

www.chumplady.com/2017/09/mindfuck-three-channels/

This is about cheaters specifically but it works for all disordered, entitled, narcissistic assholes

@Iloveplacentas this is brilliant, the whole rage, charm and self pity cycle is totally evident in his behaviour. Also, on lawyering up, he has totally changed his tone today when mediation and solicitors were mentioned when he wasn’t sticking to the whole ‘don’t contact if not about the kids’ rule

@FlaviaAlbiaWantsLangClegBack you’re right actually, manipulation on his part, he knows that I’d rather see him continue to have a relationship with our kids for their sake and he is using that against me.

@Whatisthisfuckery I was told once by an English teacher that some people swear when trying to hurt others due to an inability to articulate their point effectively enough with regular words. And I guess him name calling is similar to this in a way, it’s easier for him to do that than say ‘what you’re doing is making me feel really shit because I know I’m the cause of our marital problems and deserve not to be with you, but that sucks too much for me to accept so I’m going to try and hurt you instead’. The narcissists poem rings so true, and will be reading up on the grey rock technique for sure. Thank you, your words have empowered me today, just want you to know I appreciate you taking the time to write them x

Just to add @Whatisthisfuckery, grey rock idea is a fantastic one, makes total sense. I’ve never really stepped back and defined him as a narcissist, I’ve been more inclined to call it selfishness, but he 100% is and the way he’s behaved in the last few months has proved that. Grey rock technique sounds like a logical step to take in response!

I’m glad to have been of some help. It’s really difficult to not get sucked back in when all you want to do is believe what they’re saying, but ultimately you have to look at what they’re doing, and what they have done, rather than what you’d like to believe and to happen.

If he’s messaging you on your phone then mute the messages so they aren’t constantly binging and giving you notifications. Honestly though you’d be better off setting up an email then giving him that and blocking his number. It sounds harsh but it’ll do you no end of good in the long run, and it’ll send him a very clear message.

Do come back on here if you need to vent, or if you need advice about what to do. So many of us have been through similar and there’s a wealth of experience and support to draw on from women who’d be only too happy to offer it.

Re the solicitors and mediation. Make sure it’s you who files for divorce, and make sure you follow up on everything otherwise it won’t get done. I really can’t stress enough how important it is to try and do things quickly and stay one step ahead. The longer things drag on the more acrimonious things will get and the likelihood of him cooperating will reduce considerably. It took me 6.5 years to complete my divorce because my ex just wouldn’t cooperate. I had to take him to court in the end and there really wasn’t a great deal to split. It cost me thousands of pounds I couldn’t afford and it destroyed my MH.

Always ask for more than you expect to get. That’ll give you room to negotiate and make you look like the reasonable one. Also don’t settle for less because you feel somehow guilty. He’ll be only too willing to give you and your DC less. Feeling guilty won’t even be part of his thinking.

Have you contacted CMS? Even if he’s only on benefits he’ll have to pay you a nominal amount each week. Don’t let him get away without contributing to raising his child. He’ll be only too willing to let you.

Hi op, I’m in the same boat.
We were together 10 years. I gave him chance after chance and eventually in December I told him to leave. He’s not coped very well with it. His family keep asking when I’m going to let him move back in. It’s exhausting. I keep questioning myself and wondering if I’m a big monster because they don’t seem to give a shit that he hit me and has a drinking problem.

You gave him many chances. He chose not to make use of those chances. He chose to disrespect you by not making use of those chances, so he doesn't get 'one final chance'. Too late. He showed you who he was and well done you for standing up to him and having him leave.

It's still early days. Only 9 weeks in exacerbated by lock down. If you follow PP's advice about grey rock and only communicating about the DCs then it will get easier in time. Good luck OP .

He sends me nasty messages in the middle of the night telling me to go and fuck myself because I won’t let him come back and he misses his children. The same children who he has made minimal effort to enrich the lives of. Just happy to let them plod through life and have nothing and achieve nothing. He’s not bothered about helping the children he created grow and learn by being a hard working dad. So now he’s acting like the loving devoted father and his family are
completely buying in to it and making me out to be the evil witch who has stopped him from being a dad He’s welcome to see them but it means making the effort.

Sorry I’m not trying to derail your thread op. I can just relate to you so much and it’s so hard.

@funinthesun19, don’t be sorry at all, I’m really sad you’re having to go through this. It’s one thing being made to feel like that but it’s another when their family think they’re something they’re really not. I think it can fuel them when they have others in their corner and that’s only ever going to make things worse for you, especially if they’re doing that despite him hitting you
Like others have said about my situation, he probably thought you’d never have the guts to stop giving the chances and is now lashing out because of that. It sounds like you have done yourself and your children a huge favour by asking him to leave. Mute his message notifications, look into mediation if he’s serious about seeing the kids but most of all, keep yourself and the children safe and happy ❤️

I think you need to grey rock him. Don't answer random texts or phone calls or emails. If he can keep to his weekend visiting schedule that is good. He is still using you as an emotional punch bag. Well done for breaking free.

OP yo are doing the right thing