AFFAIR - help, advice needed please!

[Ttf313300]

Hi, This is my first time posting, and I feel pretty nervous about it.
At the end of December I caught my OH of 3 years cheating. I do his accounts, and caught the same number coming up over & over again on phone bill. About 20-25 calls a day. 2-3 hours. Confronted him, he said they were just speaking and were friends from years ago. (Found out later on that he was lying about that, it was actually a girl he had been sleeping with before me).
3 weeks he kept telling me that nothing more had happened, but I didnt believe him. So I went to the girl and confronted her (who run conveniently) and eventually got the truth. They had been having an affair for 2 & a half years out of our 3 year 'relationship'. The first year it was friends, and for the second year it turned sexual. She was spiteful and told me way more than what I'd asked or needed to hear. Safe to say I kicked him out for the next two months.
We have a 2 year old child together, and I have a 6 year old from a previous relationship, who also classes him as dad.
From a traumatic birth with my son, to him being seriously sick after he was born for the first year of his life. I didnt sleep for more than an hour or two a night for 14 months. I had a couple of traumatic events happen to me in that space of time, that sent my world crashing.
Knowing when I was pregnant, and when all this was happening, he was having an affair with someone else makes me feel sick. I knew after my son was born, I kept asking and asking him if there was someone else because I had a horrible gut feeling. I kept telling him to leave because his attitude and the way he acted towards me was making me feel so unhappy and lonely and I could tell he didnt want me or love me anymore. So I'd tell him to go and be happy. But he always begged to come back. And then come back and continued his affair.
The most horrible thing about all of this? I love him still. Hes lied to me for nearly all of our time together, hes made me feel stupid, hes cheated and jeopardized our family.
Now this hatred has worn off, I'm so confused.
We have been isolating together (agreed it was easier for kids). Weve been getting along really well, actually communicating. Hes been making a real effort to come home from work and spend time with the kids. Hes looking after us. And I can honestly say for the first time since our son was born, we are actually friends. This is all I ever asked him for for the past 2 years!
The middle of January I found out, and since then hes begged to come back (I needed a 2 month breather - probably.would have been longer if this lockdown didnt happen) and hes been the person he used to be.
We had a lot happen in the beginning of our relationship and everything moved so quickly before both of us could catch our breath & hey to know each other properly.
What I am trying to ask I suppose, is there actually a way back from affairs of this calibre? Do people actually move on from them & possibly have a better relationship after? Am I completely stupid for still loving him & thinking there could possibly be a way back for our family?
I know I sound so dumb and probably like an idiot. But I've been through so much in my life and when I met him, I thought I'd found the one and I felt happier than I'd ever been. My daughters father (has no contact - he was a violent man towards me & I kicked him out 5 months after she was born as I wasnt bringing my child up around that) is non existent. She so desperately wanted a dad and when she met my.OH it just clicked for her, she loved him straight away. The past 4 months it's like she has her dad back again, the kids are happy. I was on my own for nearly 3 years after I kicked DD's father out.
Am I being so stupid thinking about giving it a chance again & starting fresh? I want my kids to have a family. I've started to want him all over again. Dont get me wrong, it still tortures me what hes done and I cannot trust him as far as I can throw him.
But being friends with him again finally, has made me want him again.
Help please

@lemontarty
Jesus I never pushed him or my DD into nothing. As a matter of fact I actively tried stopping it. It was well after my son was born that she started calling him dad. So thank you for your assumption. She kept trying to call him dad and I kept calling him by his name. She eventually asked me if it was ok for him to be like her dad. I sat down and spoke with him first & discussed the responsibilities and he was over the moon. In my post at no point have I insulted his parenting. He has continued to see both kids - support them and treat them exactly the same. He has no intentions of letting her go or disappointing her and she still has a dad. She knows of her real father. I tried medication, I tried setting up visits in a safe environment but he doesn't want to know her. She knows that technically he is not her biological father and I speak of him so she is aware. But it was hers & his decision and nobody was co-erced into anything.

Mediation * not medication

@TheStoic
While I appreciate what your trying to say. There was never any arguments in front of the kids. I enjoyed my alone time, he never really stayed out late either so there were no arguments about that. I had so much else to focus on that there was not really any arguments about it, I just had a niggling feeling all the time.
I completely understand they pick up on the stress. But the only thing I was stressed about at that present time, was only the other things happening in my life. At the current time, I'm doing ok.

@TheStoic
Of course we have both been tested. That was one of the first things that happened!
I'm just trying to say my DD potentially getting hurt/injured by a violent and mentally abusive man is going to be a lot more of a dangerous situation than them seeing me stressed.
Infidelity is not going to bring danger to the kids, it is not going to make them unsafe, I haven't got to worry about their safety.
Putting aside the relationship of the parents (which is amicable & friendly) they have a father - who is selfish - but does love them & looks after them. As much as a turd as he is, he would never see the kids go without. Hes there for nursery, for parents evenings, the kids adore him.
I think the stress levels are entirely different/ there is no danger to them.
As long as they have both parents that love them and protect them (together or apart) they will be happy.

You have found out you can be friends, that's wonderful for your children particularly. I don't think that translates into the fact you can be happy in a relationship with him. I'm sorry, I can tell how much you wish you could be a family. I'd take the positives but be brave and draw a line for you and your children. He's not a committed, reliable base to build a family on.

But while he was "over the moon" to be called dad, he was shagging another woman and abusing your trust and hiding behind the family man facade in order to pursue a different relationship. He used your daughter to hide his real intentions of fuckiyhis ex girlfriend while pretending to be in a relationship with you. He is vile

Sounds like you’ve made up your mind 🤷‍♀️

While I appreciate what your trying to say. There was never any arguments in front of the kids. I enjoyed my alone time, he never really stayed out late either so there were no arguments about that. I had so much else to focus on that there was not really any arguments about it, I just had a niggling feeling all the time.
I completely understand they pick up on the stress. But the only thing I was stressed about at that present time, was only the other things happening in my life.

All of that is past tense.

I’m talking about the future. You are planning to have no arguments, no stress, no anxiety, no tension due to his past and potentially future cheating? How do you think you will manage that?

Op it's possible...but it depends on so, so many factors. It's very complicated. And life would never, ever be easy for you again. Even if he never cheats again, the trust will be forever destroyed, utterly destroyed. Because he's proven what he's capable of. For example, if a man punches a woman just the once - he's proven he's capable as a human of punching someone weaker than him, and forever more that'll be proof as who he is as a character. It's the same for cheats. They may not ever do it again but it's the fact they are utterly capable ad a human of doing it, and that fact alone burns away all trust.

@LemonTT
Firstly - my daughter knows of her biological father , always has done. I've made that very clear with her from the start. In fact me & DD grandparents on his side have a brilliant relationship & she still regularly sees them.
Your right in saying 2-3 months is not long enough to process it all, and get over it. I said I spent two months with him out of the home to get over the initial shock of it all.
It's been 4 months now - and I'm fully prepared to do it on my own. I've been there and done it and will do it again. I've found a new place to move into with me & the kids once its safe to do so after lockdown.
I live day by day, and go with the flow. And process the emotions as they come. This was just an emotion I was not expecting.
There is no checking of his phone, theres no need to. I do not even have the urge to do it. I was just asking peoples opinions & getting it off my chest and seeing if anyone has found a way back from it before

@Puds11 I have in no way made up my mind. I'm packing up as we speak to move into a house just me & the kids for a fresh start. I was just shocked that when the other emotions died away that I have feelings towards him. Its very confusing

@TheStoic

I'm not trying to say that. What I was trying to get at, is saying it is wrong to saying the kids would be just as damaged the same as if they had a violent and abusive father

@yesterdaystotalsteps123

Yes what he did was vile.
But in no way did he use my daughter to sleep with the other female! That is a disgusting thing to say.
And whilst he is selfish & can be called a lot of things under the sun and put himself before anything else.
My daughter was not an excuse to have an affair? That doesn't even make sense. He would have had an affair whether kids were involved or not

You seen to be down playing this here. You describe a friendship and a short term sexual fling. Then after that, back to a friendship with no sexual contact.
Do they both agree with that? You say she was spiteful and told you more than you wanted to hear?
Really this sounds like more than an affair. He has maintained almost a double life.
It sounds like you want to give him another chance. Has he broken off contact with her fully now. You'll need your eyes wide open to try again with him.

@YouJustDoYou
Thank you for the constructive comment.
Your words are exactly how I feel & it is what is helping keep the feelings suppressed.

@Ttf313300 the emotions may well be there for months or years but you have to think about what emotions will be there should you give things another go. Will the suspicions creep in? Will you feel constantly guarded and on edge? Will you be able to cope with him having female friends? Sometimes it feels like we should accept less because ‘it’s not that bad’. I think this is especially the case when you have been in an abusive relationship previously (I was the same) and you think ‘well it’s much better than that situation so I shouldn’t complain’. What you really need to be thinking is ‘am I ok with the way this person has treated me’, ‘what does their treatment of me say about them as a person’. Also consider the risks to your family they were willing to take to get their rocks off.

I'm not trying to say that. What I was trying to get at, is saying it is wrong to saying the kids would be just as damaged the same as if they had a violent and abusive father

How do you know that? Their template for all their future relationships will be based on yours.

Who told you that physical violence is the worst thing that can happen to a person?

I think the upheaval caused by this sort of stuff, while it does have an effect, can be moved on from when the kids are of a very young age. However your DD will start to remember things now and further relationship turmoil will start to be far more damaging. It’s positive that you’ve found a way to parent constructively together and have established a calm footing with one another.

However, if you enter back into a romantic relationship with him now, you are knowingly exposing your kids to the fallout and instability that will inevitably result. I know you want everything to be cosy and happy and OK, and this picture of family life as a couple is seductive, however your kids need you to be honest with yourself here and do the right thing for them.

There will be further misery, disappointment, and emotional distress if you get back with this man. Don’t throw away the stability you’ve managed to achieve. You know you will come to regret it bitterly.

@AgathaX
I think it's because I've had 4 months to process the initial shock & anger that I am writing it from a calm point of view.
That is exactly what I said! How can you go from doing that to being friends again. That's what they did before i met him. Once or twice and were friends again. Like friends with benefits. Not something I can wrap my head around to be honest. Both of them confirmed exactly the same thing. It coincides with the exact dates he wouldn't go anywhere near me (intimately).
You hit the nail on the head - it really was a double life to some extent!
My head absolutely does not. And my head is sensible. I an surprised by still having feelings. So I suppose it's a case of the heart lags a little behind the head.
This is new to me, I just was wondering if anyone had any experiences of it working after an affair.
I think it's just because we are actually working as a unit & family (not romantically) but getting along really well. Which I was not expecting. I was expecting to be over emotional & hurt and angry for such a long time. But I've kind of looked at it as s**t happens let's try and be good co parents. My mother and father split up but remain good friends & this is what I strive for. So this is a curve ball for me

I don't mean your daughter was an excuse. Your daughter is a prop to him. A mask. Someone convenient to him to pretend to you he is a faithful family man. While being "over the moon" she called him dad, he was at the same time pursuing a sexual relationship with someone else. He was able to trick you because you thought he was a family man. Do you see what I mean? Your beautiful daughter is innocent and living. He is a monster who used your daughter to hide his real intentions. His real intentions of having a 2 year relationship with his other girlfriend

@Puds11
I really understand what your saying & think it is a point well put.
I've asked them questions to myself many a time. It's easy to be complacent because as you say 'it's not that bad'
I know damn well I deserve better than the treatment him I have recieved. I fully well believe that a person cannot love you if they are capable of doing them things.
But it begs the question, can people actually change? Or is it all a front?

End of the day for most of your relationship he was seeing another woman and if you start a relationship with him again you'll never trust him and your mental health will suffer greatly. My bet is he hasn't even stopped things with her or he'll have another one lined up sooner rather than later.

@TheStoic
I'm going to put this bluntly. While I'm aware that staying in an relationship with infidelity in it, can cause some emotional harm - shape the way the kids think they can be treated etc. Which is why I am romantically linked with him and taking each day as it comes & starting afresh with me & the kids

I haven't got a worry about him killing the kids.
I think the level of harm that comes to the kids from the two different scenarios is completely different.

Personally I think people can change, but it depends on what it is they are changing and if they actually want to change that thing. For example, you can change your diet to loose weight but it only works if you’re really committed to it. How committed is he to changing? The problem with the question is only time will tell. I think you need to ask yourself if you have the time to waste finding out. I don’t mean any of this to sound harsh btw in case that’s how it comes across.

I haven't got a worry about him killing the kids.
I think the level of harm that comes to the kids from the two different scenarios is completely different.

Fair enough.

On a sliding scale, as nothing will be as bad as that, you will unfortunately always have an incredibly low bar.