New relationship with kids

[Hjp84]

I am looking for peoples opinions and thoughts on the following predicament I find myself in.

I have a 6 year old girl and started dating a divorcee last year. He has 3 children, with one having a diagnosis of autism. Please at this point note I work with children with autism and have done for the past 8 years.

Anyway back to the story, we now live together and have done for quite some time (due to unforeseen circumstances) and this is going well. However James (not real name), the autistic child is finding things very difficult as is to be expected. He does not like staying with us and feels that everybody (including his family members) is mean to him whilst he is here. I understand that lots of this will be due to new routines, people etc.

The thing really that I’m seeking advice on is that now instead of bring the children here my other half stays over at their house once a week so that their mum can have time with her new boyfriend. Now as somebody who has been a single parent for the duration of my child life (she hasn’t met her dad) I understand how difficult it can be without a break, but I just feel that this method is making things more difficult and allowing James to become more resistant to change.

It’s so hard to talk to my partner about it as I feel that I am very much left on the sideline during the whole thing. For example I found out the other day that he (partner) and ex wife had told James that he only had to stay with us every fortnight. Yet I was told two weeks later. I just don’t know what the best course of action is??? Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks x

I just feel that this method is making things more difficult and allowing James to become more resistant to change.

From what I know of ASD, I don’t think aversion therapy of any type is particularly kind or effective. Changing the arrangements to suit James seems like the best way to allow him to adapt to the new situation. Forcing him to spend time with people or in places that make him agitated won’t do anyone any favours in the long run, least of all him.

FWIW I’m in a similar position to you but several years down the line. I have had to accept that my DP and his ex are together with their DCs more than I would ideally like, that they both see the DCs in their main home, rather than shuttle the DCs back and forth. And that’s ok.

It’s taken me a long time to get to this point, I’ll be totally honest. But having pushed for change for a long time and been frustrated by the lack of it, I’ve let go of the need to control things and just concentrate on making my own family situation as good as it can be.

You will probably get lots of comments from people on here saying “leave him for the kids sake” and “you knew what you were getting into when you dated a man with kids” etc. There’s not a huge amount of sympathy for step mums on here, so take it with a pinch of salt. It’s a hard situation, but all you can do is make sure he’s respectful to you when he’s with you, and that all of the DCs are comfortable with the situation.

Things have moved really fast, haven't they? I don't think you get a say in it, if they think it's the best way to manage the situation. I mean, you've been together less than a year(?) so how far off "the sidelines" do you really expect to be? It's worrying that you have moved so rapidly when you have a 6 yr old yourself.

Thanks very much appreciated. I just feel we are going backwards as he used to stay quite a bit. I suppose I just worry about my own child and how confusing it is for her/ I think it’s Just when he’s staying over I find difficult and when he is watching them while his ex is in the house too.

Thanks cat12 we have been together just over a year, but as I say loving together. We have been friends for longer. I appreciate your concern for my moving quickly, but not sure having a child should mean I can’t be happy in a new relationship. I think you’ve misunderstood what I mean by the sidelines, I think it is important for communication to come my way too, in order to be fully considerate of my little one also. I’m not expecting to be the final decision maker but obviously this now has an effect on more than just one family and more than one set of children.

Nothing wrong with being happy in a new relationship, but moving in together so fast when you have dc is ill-judged. It's a lot of change for your dd and she's got no choice in any of it.

OP, no one is saying you can't be happy if you have children. Don't be a martyr. But you must see that this is difficult for the children?

A year isnt very long to be seeing someone to now have been living together for "quite some time".

What were the 'unforeseen circumstances' that led you to make this decision? Not that it's relevant or that you need to share, just it sounds like this wasn't even a well considered, rational, thought out decision - more that it was one forced upon you.

Not a great move tbh.

My point is that there are lots about a person and their situation that might not be conducive to someone having a relationship with them. Just knowing them and feeling that you are in love with them or whatever isnt really enough. It's about compatibility in all the important areas and this sounds like a big area of incompatibility that has just reared up.

I think their arrangement for their son is a good one given his needs.

Thank you for all the positive comments. The issue seems to be focused around my daughters welfare and I appreciate the concern but if people wouldn’t mind commenting on my actual question that would be much more appreciated. If I thought that my daughter was in any way unhappy with a new person in the house then obviously he wouldn’t be here. Nothing has been forced upon me I can assure you, but again thanks for your concern. Also def not being a martyr X

Well, you asked for any thoughts or advice and people have offered them. I get that it's not what you were hoping for but, really, there's not a lot you can do about this. He has the right to make whatever decision he feels is best for his child. Just as you do and just as I do. It's up to the other person in the relationship to decide of it's something they can live with or not.

So, I haven't had a serious relationship (for many reasons - mostly not of my choosing 🙄) since my marriage ended a good few years ago. But I decided early on that i would not entertain living with anyone else while she was under 18. And I wouldn't. That is my decision. If someone else doesn't like that, then that is for them to make a decision on.

The bottom line is that, and as hard as it is to hear, how he and his ex choose to parent their child is nothing to do with you. You could disagree and you reasoning could be solid and the best wisdom and 'right'. But it would still be nothing to do with you.

If it's a simple case of just wanting to be kept in the loop re decisions that impact on you, presumably you've already broached that before posting here and it didnt go well. In which case, that is also an area of compatibility you need to consider whether you are happy with.

What is it exactly that bothers you about him stopping at James's house if it's only so that his ex can see her new boyfriend?

Thanks that’s much more helpful. I just don’t feel it’s helpful for James. This isn’t the only thing he is struggling with and I just worry that it is making it harder when he does come here (again that’s what has been decided by his parents as I agree it should be). I’m not expecting him to be dragged out of the house to be brought somewhere he doesn’t want to be but I just think it’s quite a fine balance and as I say just wanted thoughts on that part of the situation really.

I know it probably appears that I’m only concerned with myself, but I’m genuinely not and I am trying to be as supportive as I can with everything that is going on.

You are expecting too Much too soon.
The boy has gone through his parents splitting up, his dad moving in with a new woman and her child , then expecting him to play happy families .All in a very short space of time.
This is too much for a normal child to cope with, let alone one with autism !

I understand what you’re saying absolutely, which is why I’m trying to gain advice on how I can help. I’m not expecting happy families that would be silly at the point. What I’m trying to do is make things easier when he does stay with us. I just wondered if anybody had experienced anything similar. Thanks for all advice

My advice - being the mother of an autistic son - is to slow it all down .
If you are going to be together longer term then what is the rush .

Thank you for your help and I get what you are saying but obviously they (bf and ex) want him to stay here once a fortnight too. So I’m wanting some advice on helping James feel happier here. I obviously don’t want to overload him and I know he finds my little girl tricky as she get so excited to see them. I have some books that I read with her about autism and for a little one she is quite aware of herself so responds well to reminders (but she is also under CAMHs re ADHD). He has a quiet area in the house that’s just for him and he seems to quite like that. I know from speaking to both bf and his ex that they are worried about him at the minute and it’s just to try and help.

In the current climate I’m not sure what we be able to just call the whole thing off as I don’t think finding another property would be easy for bf.

I think it's a case of giving it more time - it is very early days. You guys have rushed things, I know that's not your favourite response, sorry, but it is all very quick and for your dp's son it's going to take even more time to adjust. I think you just have to keep doing what you're doing.

I think your boyfriend needs to find somewhere to live that means he can have his children to stay without the added confusion/complications of having a new family scenario for James to contend with.

Your boyfriend is trying to have his cake and eat it and tbh, your 6yo deserves to have space with you and her Alone. Your boyfriend can’t cope with his kids and can’t cope with your’s.

It doesn’t matter if finding a suitable property is hard for him, the price his decisions have cost everyone is too high.

He’s making the issues in his life your problem and this is too new a relationship for you to be going through all this

Agree with PPs that you moved in together way too soon for all the DC and particularly “James”. Ideally your DP should move out again. If that’s not what you want to do, his suggestion of staying there whenever he sees his DC seems reasonable, for as long as his ex is OK with that.

The property problem I meant due to the covid 19 situation. But yes that would be a better scenario I imagine. I’m not sure what you mean by the price his decisions have cost everyone is too high? X

If your daughter has adhd and his son has autism - that is likely a recipe for disaster tbh.
I have two kids with both and it causes no end of problems !
The best thing here is to let both have their own space as much away from each other as they need.
Forcing them to share anything or be together or do activities together will not end well. Especially if they are close in age .

I don’t know what experience you have of working with autistic children but statements like “but I just feel that this method is making things more difficult and allowing James to become more resistant to change” makes me wonder.

Your real issue is that your bf and his Ex aren’t consulting you about their parenting choices, you on the other hand, think they should.

The decisions they are making are in the best interests of their son your bf doesn’t think he needs to discuss his parenting choices with you and/or is not particularly interested in the impact that this is having on you or your daughter.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Being in a platonic relationship for however many years, doesn’t count for anything, when you move to a physical relationship. It isn’t an extension of your former dynamic, it’s a totally new one.

Given that you can’t/ won’t talk to him about this, screams that you rushed into moving in together, without the requisite relationship foundations that are needed to blend two families of children with additional needs.

If you can’t/ won’t talk to him about this, you shouldn’t be living together.

Agree with the above. They are doing what the both agree to be best for your son. Who are you to decide that your way is better after knowing so little?

You can discuss things with your oh, give suggestions, direct him to useful resources, but you have no right to say that what they are doing is wrong.

In answer to your question, over ten years and highly qualified in the area, but every case is different and I find that other people’s ideas are sometimes helpful. I’m simply asking, as I’m trying to respect the choices they have made for him to come and stay here and wondered if people had any ideas to make this transition easier for him. I appreciate that you think we’ve moved in too soon, gone too fast etc etc. But that is how things are currently. Some of the advice I’m finding a little contradictory (or perhaps I’m misunderstanding), but I am going along with what parents have said they want to do, which is stay with us every two weeks.

I have spoken to my bf but as I said both he and his ex are also worried about James and how to help things going forward. I’m trying to discuss the issue with others in an attempt to give all concerned more support in what is obviously a difficult time. Thanks

Posters’ advice and views don’t seem contradictory: perhaps just not what you were hoping for?

Well a little as people are saying to go with what has been decided by parents... which I am doing. But not really giving any tips on how to ease the transition when he stays? That’s what I’m meaning x