New relationship with kids

[Hjp84]

I am looking for peoples opinions and thoughts on the following predicament I find myself in.

I have a 6 year old girl and started dating a divorcee last year. He has 3 children, with one having a diagnosis of autism. Please at this point note I work with children with autism and have done for the past 8 years.

Anyway back to the story, we now live together and have done for quite some time (due to unforeseen circumstances) and this is going well. However James (not real name), the autistic child is finding things very difficult as is to be expected. He does not like staying with us and feels that everybody (including his family members) is mean to him whilst he is here. I understand that lots of this will be due to new routines, people etc.

The thing really that I’m seeking advice on is that now instead of bring the children here my other half stays over at their house once a week so that their mum can have time with her new boyfriend. Now as somebody who has been a single parent for the duration of my child life (she hasn’t met her dad) I understand how difficult it can be without a break, but I just feel that this method is making things more difficult and allowing James to become more resistant to change.

It’s so hard to talk to my partner about it as I feel that I am very much left on the sideline during the whole thing. For example I found out the other day that he (partner) and ex wife had told James that he only had to stay with us every fortnight. Yet I was told two weeks later. I just don’t know what the best course of action is??? Any advice or thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks x

I’m trying to discuss the issue with others in an attempt to give all concerned more support in what is obviously a difficult time.

In the kindest possible way, they don’t want or need your support - they have demonstrated this by making decisions for their son which negatively impact (or at least disregard) you and your DD.

From someone who has 8 years experience as a sidelined non-step-mum it’s easier all round - but especially and essentially for you - if you just take a step back, let them make decisions about what works for their DC and ask him as your partner to please inform you of any changes that will affect you or DD. That’s all he morally and practically has to do to keep you in the loop.

Anything else, including pushing the boundaries of what makes their autistic child comfortable, are entirely for the parents to worry about. And that is hugely liberating when you accept that.

When I decided to stop trying to push the ‘blended family’ thing and stayed out of any discussions around behaviour and expectations etc. it was a huge weight off my mind. There was no point me worrying about the emotional or physical effects of decisions they both made for their DCs, which I had no control over. Having felt like I was banging my head against a wall for many years I now have a friendly but distant relationship with his DCs, much like I do with the DCs of my friends, or the friends of my DC. I give them a hug when I see them and ask them what they’ve been up to etc but I don’t parent them and I don’t get involved when I’m told about things that my kids wouldn’t get away with. I just nod and look sympathetic

But not really giving any tips on how to ease the transition when he stays? That’s what I’m meaning x

Leave it to his dad to manage. Make some dinner, play with your DD, get on with some work, go for a walk. Literally anything, but don’t take the emotional burden of managing the transition of his son into your home, that’s his job. And if he’s expecting you to do it, don’t! He can’t have all the help and support of another parent around, but not give you the respect of treating you as another parent the rest of the time. Leave it to him to manage his DS 100% and see how things work out.

Maybe I will just stay out of the way then next time they stay. The other 3 are fine really so I suppose as you say it might be easier for me to just let James and his dad work it out when James becomes distressed and/or violent towards his siblings and his dad.

I suppose the lack of routine with being away from school probably is t helping much either. Hopefully things will improve soon In Both houses. Thanks for everybody’s time and ideas. Food for thought...
stay safe in these strange times

That might sound harsh, but you have a long road ahead and you need to protect yourself and your DD as much as you can.

I recommend a book called StepMonster, which gave me ‘permission’ to step away and not try to make this into a blended family, but to appreciate that all of our situations are different and you have to work with what/whom you have.

ways you would “ease the transition” would be to take things much, much slower with respect to all the DC meeting and spending time with you/your DP, each other, and living together! Taking steps backwards and pacing better, to reduce change/stress for the DC.

Thanks I will give it a look

Thanks Dozer this is the plan but as I said earlier these hinges aren’t instant. Thanks for your help

For example I found out the other day that he (partner) and ex wife had told James that he only had to stay with us every fortnight. Yet I was told two weeks later.

I assume that both know of your experience with autism, yet the above still happened. You can canvas as many opinions as you like but nothing suggests that your bf and the boy’s mother want your input.

Take a massive step back, at present no one is asking for your advice.

Incidentally, how much contact did you have with James prior to your bf moving in?

What’s the problem if the wife isn’t there? Can’t you use that time to focus on your daughter?

Gosh, my Dd is 23 and even now I make DP stay away a couple of nights a week so I can focus on here and have time just us.