Fathers in prison

[Turboshift]

Hi

I have just registered but read mumsnet for a few years now. I'm married with children and I've found myself in a place where my DH is in prison and it's not the first time in our marriage. We are no longer together and will be divorcing.

My worry is my children and the long term effect this will have on them. I wanted to gain some advice and support from women who have partners in prison and how they cope and what do you tell your children in time?

Also from anyone who has grown up with a parent in prison and how did it affect you?

TIA

I don’t want to depress you but having any parent in prison affects children badly in terms of education and how their contemporaries regard them. It can be very isolating. Children feel shame and invent stories to get around that shame. It’s not fair but people often like to say sins of the father. You need to build your children’s self esteem and make sure they aren’t depending on their dad for that.

You don’t say what he did. If it was violent then there are other worries beyond just “crime”.

I haven't experienced what you have, but as a parent, I can say that being appropriately honest with your children is very important. Talk to them about how they feel, acknowledge that their father has made mistakes. Just keep the lines of communication open and don't pretend like this situation doesn't exist. I'm sorry for all you're going through. It must be so hard. Do your children have any contact with their father whilst he is in prison?

Thank you for your replies. I am heartbroken and bewildered we are here again.

My children are still very young 6 and 7 and they think daddy is working abroad. I really don't think they would understand if I went into it with them and at the moment I dont have the headspace or heart even to know where to begin. When they are older I know we will have to be honest.

Lex, the crimes were always financial so there should not be any safeguarding issues. Have you personal experience of this? Being judged by people?

I'm sorry op. I had a friend in school who's dad went to prison. It was so hard for him. His identity became shaped around his fathers crime and incarceration. His life , his mother's life , his nans life, became about visiting/ defending/ missing/ waiting/ making excuses / being let down and fighting for his dad. It consumed that family.

I think the best thing you can do is make their lives about them. Do everything you can to encourage strong self esteem and self identity.

Yes they speak to their dad regularly. He writes and they write to him. He is remorseful and I can tell it kills him to be away from them. I am heartbroken for my kids

Thanks Waitingforadulthood, that's how I feel. Our whole life has been consumed with his cases and imprisonment. Their early childhood and my pregnancies tarnished by it. I feel he has marked my children for life.

If you’ve told them he is working abroad then I’d stick to that story. IMO the children are too young to know that their daddy is in prison for financial crimes.

They could go to school and tell their friends innocently and the be ridiculed about it.

Be there for them as much as possible but I’d keep them in the dark about the true nature of his absence.

Not personal, but lots of experience with prison and criminal justice.

I wish you the best of luck, encourage your children to develop their own personalities and interests (I know you would) and so that they have something against this situation.

Drama diminishes children. They need stability. I’m sure your partner is sorry but you need to co-ordinate as parents to focus on your children, not the crimes. Watch the letters. They can have intense impact on kids.

If you are looking for a support group, you may find Partners of Prisoners helpful. Despite the name, they have a lot of resources for children.

My experience has not been like the above. My DH went to prison when my DDs were 4 and 1. Initially I told them he was working away because I didn't know how to handle it but I spoke to a psychologist who deals with children who have a parent in prison and she always advises being as open as you can be. I was terrified about telling my DD (DD2 was only 1 so didn't have a clue!) but she completely took it in her stride. She even went into school and told her class mates. Whilst that was hard for me, it was really important that she didn't feel any shame as she had done nothing wrong. She had a course of sessions with the psychologist but has always been very accepting of it.

The biggest problem we came up against was that children are often told that naughty or bad people go to prison. We spoke a lot about how not all people who go to prison are bad and quite often it can be people who have made a mistake and need to go there to say sorry and learn not to make the same mistake again.

DD1 is 9 now and DH is home. I have to say it hasn't impacted her negatively at all and she is one of the least judgemental children I know. Often it is parents who push their views on children - children are actually quite accepting. She sometimes asks questions and I will continue to be honest with her (at an age appropriate level). A big thing to bear in mind if you lie to them is that when they find out they will feel like the one person who they should be able to trust (you) has lied to them. That can be damaging to your relationship with them - something I wasn't willing to risk.

Thanks for the replies.

Lex, could you elaborate on the letter writing. Do they impact badly on kids? Atm he just talks about what he will do with them when he comes home' from 'abroad'.

Ipity I will look them up, I've not looked into support groups yet. Thank you.

Keepsmiling I was also thinking of arranging some therapy but didn't know where to start. How did you find your psychologist? I need some help in how to explain or broach this with them. Was this the only time your partner went in?

So long as the letters are pretty banal then that’s okay. I think sometimes prisoners go over the top as to how much they miss the kids. All true but really you want to keep it pretty dull!

You can tell the kids but..: only you know the people they see. Children aren’t judgmental of their parents until a much later age. Other people are far more so and say so. This is difficult at school for them or generally. Don’t underestimate that at all.

Also, it’s difficult. Your partner must have done something pretty serious to go to prison. That is the truth. He may have lots of remorse but that will not make much difference now.

I'm sorry for your situation, I imagine life is very difficult.

I'd urge you to consider whether your local community knows of his imprisonment or whether it's easy to find out. If so, I would strongly suggest coming clean with your children so they are in control instead of being blindsided by children at school making comments they've heard from other grown ups. I know one child at my DCs school thought their mother was working in a toy factory (a common reason given which is sad really as many children would resent toys for taking their parent away) but kids began teasing them at school with the truth and they were horrified to discover their mother was in prison.

My DC brought home knowledge recently about another child whose parent went to prison and I spoke with them about not asking that child questions, but to try and be kind wherever possible. I know not all parents would be the same but most would and that would give the child support and strength

Just food for thought unfortunately you and your children are now serving your partner's sentence just in a different way

@Turboshift I think I just googled it to be honest. I got a list and then rang them all and spoke to them before deciding on one. The psychologist I worked with was great and we emailed frequently before and after I told DD1.

I know how frightening it is and I honestly felt sick beforehand but after I told her I think she asked one question then just asked if she could carry on watching her cartoons. Over the next few days she had a few more questions and she was a bit clingy with me but that passed (she was only 5 when I told her). We talked about how she could deal with people asking questions and that often people can say unkind things because they don't understand. There have been a few issues with parents but I try not to let it bother me.

Yes this is the only time he has been to prison and the only time he will. His was there for quite a specific thing (not violent/related to children or anything) and it is basically impossible for him to reoffend.

My dad was in prison from when I was aged about 8 until I was 12. I used to have every other Monday off school to go and visit him (I'm sure that wouldn't be allowed now) My brother was 3 years older than me and I think it effected him more than me. I was obviously upset and missed him but overall I think I took it in my stride. I think my brother on the other hand felt pressure to be the man of the house and went off the rails a little.
It's only since having my own kids I've realised how hard it must have been for my mum though. Financially, emotionally, all of it. She did a good job of shielding us from most of that though.

@Scootingthebreeze I don't think people can find out as he is quite far away but I am worried about this. I have had to lie to people who have asked me where he is. I do this to protect the kids. I know we will all be judged by his crimes.

@Keepsmiling1 I am glad you are seeing light after your situation. I hope it stays that way for you. I hoped against hope but it didn't work out that way for us sadly.

@three you were nearly the same age as my eldest. My kids won't be going to the prison. I've been enough in the past to know it would scare and worry them. Can I ask if your brother has ended up inside? I am sorry to be personal and you dont have to answer. I am worried my kids may follow in his footsteps although I know they are young yet but when they find out when they are older.

No he didn't. Though I would say that was more down to luck. He just seems to be one of those people who will take risks financially. Cut corners. Dodgy deals. Knows someone who can get it off the back of a lorry. That kind of thing. My dad was in prison for his involvement in a bank robbery. Whether there is link there I don't know for sure.

I've never been in any kind of trouble though. The idea of being in trouble with the police would terrify me so maybe it can send you one way or the other.

@three I am the same, shy away from trouble and drama but my DH won't give us that life. Do you think your fathers imprisonment affected the type of partner you looked for?

Can people google him .? You will always get some nosy bugger who will dig. How long is he likely to be away for ? Won't the children/people ask why he's not home on important days ?

I think subconsciously yes. He is extremely honest and will always try and help someone rather than get one over on them. I don't know if I looked for that but it's something I love and appreciate about him.

If he has a name that would be easy to Google then it wouldn't take much for people to find info online as criminal court outcomes are public records. If he will be away for a long time then I would encourage you to be open and embrace the support people will largely offer. Yes some idiots will judge but you're better seeing their true colours and be rid of them.

When your DH is released he will need to come out and start from scratch and life will be very different for all of you even at that point. It will be a lonely path for you to shoulder the burden and keep this a secret.

His behaviour is not a reflection on you or your children, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Yes he should feel remorseful and it's good he does, but again he's not necessarily a bad person just because he went to prison. Many people will understand this and it will relieve a lot of pressure to be open for all of you

I appreciate I am just a stranger giving advice at the end of the day, but if you truly don't want to tell others, then be sure they cannot find out in other ways else you're best controlling the message. Also make sure it's because you don't want them to know and not because your husband doesn't want people to know. Reason being, this is his mistake to deal with and is not your mistake to suffer more than you have to, hence thinking you could do with support around you

@three its heartening to hear it made you choose the right partner than someone who is criminally minded.

@notapizzaeater yes people can always Google and snoop. We have explained to the kids somewhat he wont be here on birthdays ect. They are still innocent enough to believe what we say, bless them. Yes I will start getting more and more awkward questions from people which I will have to deal with.

@Scootingthebreeze I already feel much of what you have said. I am still in shock most days to be honest as it came out of the blue. I dont feel strong enough yet to deal with peoples questions. I would appreciate the support but dont want mu kids judged so keep it a secret from people. It's a heavy burden to bear. Coronavirus has shielded us from some of those questions as the kids are not in school and we an avoid those parents. I know it wont be forever. I am looking for a fresh start somewhere new eventually.