Fathers in prison

[Turboshift]

Hi

I have just registered but read mumsnet for a few years now. I'm married with children and I've found myself in a place where my DH is in prison and it's not the first time in our marriage. We are no longer together and will be divorcing.

My worry is my children and the long term effect this will have on them. I wanted to gain some advice and support from women who have partners in prison and how they cope and what do you tell your children in time?

Also from anyone who has grown up with a parent in prison and how did it affect you?

TIA

Have you been in touch with any of the charities that support prisoner www.prisonadvice.org.uk/faqs/support-for-prisoners-familiesfamilies?

I don't think lying to them is a good idea, there will always be someone out there who knows the truth and can burst that bubble at any time. I understand the desire to protect them but worry it will backfire on you.

What sentence did he get? How long is he likely to be away for?

DD’s Dad.went to prison for assaulting me. I took her to visit him a couple of times but he moved prison and it was too far away to maintain visits. I never went in to the prison but DD saw her father in a big room where she played with Duplo and had squash and biscuits.

Don’t lie, be honest and let them know that they are loved. What kind of relationship do want with them? Lies won’t protect them.
DD’s grandmother tried to lie and said her son was on holiday which only confused her because I had been honest.

DD was 3 and used to tell people on the bus that he was in prison, which was mortifying at the time but makes me chuckle now.

Has it damaged her? No it hasn’t. Prisons exist and for some, it is a temporary short or long home for some parents and as an adult it was my job to buy into the shame of incarceration.

Love and security, that’s the most important and it’s better that they know where he is then being left in the dark for however long he’s in there.

@Gingerkittykat thanks for the link. I know when they are older we will have to explain especially when DH and us no longer live together, I will be honest then and say why that is. Atm it feels a bit too soon.

@happinessischocolate one saving grace is that he has always pleaded guilty. He's waiting to be sentenced. It will be a number of years and probably serve about 3.

@AgentJohnson thanks for sharing. I know the family days you are talking about. I took my eldest to them the last time he was in. DC was very young then, now I think they would just be scared and worried which they have a tendency to do about things anyway. I am worried about the damage of lying to them. I am extra cautious about not lying about other things to compensate for it. I feel torn about what to do for the best.

OP,

There are resources now for children with a parent in prison. There is a charity called, Children Seen and Heard, if you google, they can put you in touch with someone local for additional support.

I'm with the @Keepsmiling1 and recommend age appropriate openness. While outcomes can be poor for children if prisoners, there has been so much work undertaken for parents and families. Schools are much more aware and are encouraged to offer support to parents. So please, try to hold onto that children can and do come to terms with this. It isnt that children are resilient or 'bounce back ' it is being open and honest about an event in their young lives. Have a look at Children Heard and Seen, there is a lot of support on the website.

Then, there is you. Who's looking after you? Theres a great thread here www.google.com/amp/s/www.telegraph.co.uk/news/2020/05/05/exclusive-government-scientist-neil-ferguson-resigns-breaking/amp/

It is a mother's journey when her daughter was imprisoned. Lots of people in that thread that have family members in prison.

There are a few organisations out there, for family members, too.

Do take care - not an easy time for you.

The way I viewed it was if I had any other sort of problem I would ask an expert and take their advice. So I did exactly the same in this situation - I found someone who has dealt with many children with parents in prison and asked them.

It is scary and DH was against telling them (because he was worried about his relationship with them) but as someone else said that was his problem not mine and I wasn't going to risk damaging the relationship I have with them.

DD1 has never been embarrassed and when he was nearing the end of his sentence and on home leave she would often tell people in the shop that daddy was coming home from prison. Again, it was awkward for me but I used to smile and say yes he is and we can't wait. I discussed with the psychologist what I was going to say and as she has grown up we have added more details to the story. When she was 5 it really was very basic - daddy has made a mistake and broke a rule and had to go to prison to say sorry. He is absolutely fine and loves you very much and you can talk to him on the phone. I did take her to see him when he was in Cat D and it was fine - no searches or anything and she could play with him. It was actually a very nice setting and DD often tells people prison isn't a horrible scary place.

@BakedCam I will look up the charity. The link you posted was for another article but I'll try and find the thread. It is a really hard time. So much harder than the last time. I'm mourning the loss of my marriage and that I have to get divorced. Things which have come about suddenly. I have to answer questions in criminal court about our finances. Things I don't want to be dragged into. I feel really tired and down. I thought about speaking to a doctor but haven't yet. I'm angry abou what's happened. He betrayed us again.

@Keepsmiling1 the last time when he had home leave he came back to our family home but that won't happen this time. Its going to be very different for us all. I have to explain to the kids why their parents have split as well as why their dad has disappeared suddenly. So much upheaval.

Oh sorry, about that.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/crime/3231363-what-to-take-to-prison-2

There we go.

@Turboshift

Are you being investigated under POCA? I certainly would get yourself to a doctor, soonest.

It makes more sense to be honest with your DC. It will be much better for them in the long run, than lying. They will find it hard that you've not been honest with them.

I feel for you, this is an awful situation he has put you in.

@BakedCam thanks for the link. I am not under investigation but I need to make an application to protect our family home. It's all so complicated.

@lemon thank you.

Phew, @Turboshift

That area is highly complicated and I hope you have really excellent representation in that area.

Please make sure you make an appointment with your doctor, you must feel as though you've the weight of a mountain on your shoulders.

Very difficult for you. You dont have to be nice about here, you can let tip. Are divorce proceedings underway? Horrible to have go through under the stress of what is a tricky situation, you really are going through it.

Lol what I really want to say is he has turned out to be a big piece of sh!t and I will find it hard to trust a man again. Not started proceedings yet but will do once I can see representation after lockdown ends.

That's more like it.

Doctors.

My daughter was 18 months when my H went to prison, he came out when she was 3, we visited every week and as far as she knew daddy was at work. She obviously wasn’t at school then, and family and close friends knew but nobody else. He then went again for 9 weeks when she was 4, something that had taken a few years to get to court - still we visited and as far as she was concerned daddy was at work. This time though it was in local papers and she had just started school. There were a few people around that revelled in the fact there was gossip, and I was terrified she would be judged/left out because of what he had done, but the majority of the parents were so kind and considerate towards me and her - I held my head up high because his mistakes were not mine. She has never ever mentioned prison and is now a happy, stable 10 year old.

I held my head up high because his mistakes were not mine.

This

My dad was in prison for most of my childhood. Drugs, robbery, credit card fraud, possession of firearms (although he was never actually violent).

Unfortunately yes it has affected me. But I don't think it was him being in prison as such, more that a life of crime was more important to him and he wouldn't give that up for his children. I was taken to visit him by his parents without my mother's permission and I found that experience traumatizing.

It has affected my relationships with men as an adult, but I think again it's not the going to prison part, it's that he was largely absent from my life. I always think men are going to leave, so I subconsciously choose ones that have issues or that I know are unsuitable long term. Fortunately I recognise this and have chosen to stay single since splitting from my DS's dad.

I appreciate your honest replies @livsmommy and @Waxonwaxoff0. @wax your story is the one I fear most for my children, them thinking they were not enough for him to be around for them. Despite his protests I am doubtful this won't happen again. I have to resign myself I will be a single parent for the foreseeable and make sure they know they are more than enough for those that love them. I wish you the strength you need in your struggles with these feelings.

I held my head up high because his mistakes were not mine.

Eloquently put. A good mantra for us to live by.

You might be interested in an episode of a CBBC programme called My Life about kids with a dad in prison. It was very good.
www.bbc.co.uk/mediacentre/proginfo/2018/03/my-life-missing-dad

@Turboshift you're welcome.

I think a lot of it will really depend on his mindset and attitude. The success stories here are where the father realised he had made a mistake and turned his life around after coming back out of prison. Unfortunately my father didn't do this and ended up in prison multiple times. I went NC with him as a young teen and lost all contact. A couple of years ago his new wife found me on social media and sent me a message. I found out that he was STILL living the exact same lifestyle and was back in prison yet again. He's in his mid 50s and still hasn't learnt his lesson. He has never met my DS, his only grandchild. But he's made his own choices that have led up to this.

Just to let you know I had an extremely happy childhood aside from all of that and that was down to my mum. She did an amazing job and you will too.

My dad went to prison. I never felt judged tbh, maybe some parents were judging us but the children either didn't know or didn't care.

Maybe it depends on where you are. We didn't exactly grow up in a posh neighbourhood.

I don't know if it's been mentioned but my daughter sees someone from the Orminston Trust. They are a charity that works with children who have a parent in prison or just released from prison. She sees a lovely lady who comes into school once a week and spends time with her, at the moment she emails her.
My DD is only 9 and this lady has been amazing, she has helped explain things where I couldn't and she has also been there to help me through too. I made the mistake of saying her dad was at work when he was away, something I would change if I could.

them thinking they were not enough for him to be around for them.

Children unfortunately tend to see themselves as being responsible for things out of their control. That’s why it’s imperative that you be as honest as possible and be a broken record about how that him not being around is his responsibility and not theirs. Him not being around doesn’t equal not being around, him not being around because he chose to break the law and as consequence, went to prison. As the responsible parent a lot of the reassurance is going to come from you. Which is why it is so important that you don’t lie because you can’t reassure them if they don’t trust you.

There are charities out there who can give you advice and support. I don’t live in the U.K but I had help with getting to and from the prison.

Thank you for all your responses. We are having a lovely day in the garden and it's nice to feel a bit free of this. You get so enmeshed in it you start to feel it's your true life but then you have some good times and realise normal people don't live like this. Normal people are not inherently dishonest, selfish and they are appreciative of what they have and cherish it. We were not struggling for money and we both work. Its utterly bizarre what possessed him to do it?

He has manipulated me over the years and I have been a push over. Desperate to save my family and marriage, I have gone above and beyond to help him. I can't let it continue, he is too reckless and we have grown into different people.

@Waxonwaxoff0 you are right it's about his mindset when he is released. He had perfect circumstances the last time, a home, wife, children and the support and forgiveness of our wider families and he still did it again. This time he has to find a new home, no wife and his own family are pissed off with him too. He is going to find it very hard. But I have to stop feeling guilty because he has made my life hard too and I need all my energy for my children.