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Original poster

I need to leave him, don't I?

45 replies

WhatTheActualHeckAmIDoing · 05/05/2020 15:10

Hi all, I am not new to Mumsnet but I have NCed, because I am frankly a bit ashamed of myself and I don't want this thread to be linked to the rest of my posting history. I think I need a serious kick in the butt, and I know Mumsnet can be great for that, so here we go.

I have been in a relationship with a man for almost 18 months. He is not a bad person at all, but I am starting to realize he might not be the man for me, and even though I love him, I think I might have to wake up, smell the coffee and break up with him.

I am in my early 30s, unmarried, no children, great career, quite ambitious, financially stable and reasonably fit/ attractive.

He is 45, going through a divorce, two children whom he has 50% of the time, unemployed, with very poor prospects of finding a good job, terrible with money, occasional cocaine user, and with a fragile mental health. He is an ex-professional athlete who never really managed to reinvent himself after the end of his sports career, so he has been doing this and that for the last 10 years and now he has been unemployed for 6 months.

He is not sure what kind of job he'd like, he says he is "uninspired" and wants a "cool" job at an "exciting startup". Since quitting his last job because he was "bored", on the days he doesn't have his kids he sleeps in until late, goes for a run, watches movies and plays videogames. I don't think he has applied for one single job in the last month.

When I write it down like this, he sounds horrible. He is actually a very caring and loving man, but he is entirely wrapped up with his own divorce and struggles to adapt to life as a single parent. He used to be married to a very high earner, and he has yet to learn to live within his means now that he is on his own. I had to lend him 10k a few months ago, which he gave me back after a month once the sale of his family house was finalized.

Our relationship was a whirlwind, we met and fell madly in love with each other. The sexual compatibility and chemistry were and still are incredible, and we genuinely care about each other.

However, I wonder, what kind of life can I have with this man? What kind of relationship can I hope to have, whilst he has no plans for his future, no ambitions, no vision? He seems to be just surviving really. He says he might consider having more children in the future, but he is not sure as he feels like his best days are behind him.

All my friends and family don't understand why I am with him, and think I can do much better.

I need to leave him, don't I? Sad

OP posts:
ALovelyBitOfSquirrel · 05/05/2020 15:14

I'm sorry OP but yes ,I personally think you do.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/05/2020 15:26

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

In answer to your last question, yes you do need to leave him and sharpish too.

If a friend was telling you all this, what would your counsel be here?

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Why indeed are you and he together at all?. What attracted you to him, did you think you could rescue and or save him here from his demons?. He is not yet divorced (so makes you really the other woman), has a myriad of emotional baggage and is also an occasional cocaine user (that does not make him sound any better either). You cannot act as either a rescuer and or saviour in a relationship and you should read "Women who love too much" by Dr Robin Norwood. I would also read about codependency in relationships and see how much of this relates to your own behaviours.

LauraMipsum · 05/05/2020 15:26

Yes. He sounds like an adolescent in outlook and you will eventually take on the mother role - because someone has to be the grown-up - which you will grow to resent enormously.

TooTrueToBeGood · 05/05/2020 15:36

He is actually a very caring and loving man

Is that enough to compensate for him being a complete waste of space?

You do know there are men out there who manage to be productive, responsible adults whilst also being caring and loving? Free yourself from this relationship and you might just find a good 'un. Stick with it and you'll be carrying him for the rest of your life.

Original poster
WhatTheActualHeckAmIDoing · 05/05/2020 15:50

The confusing thing is that he is actually very responsible when it comes about his children, he is a super involved, hand-on father (he is the children's primary carer actually). His whole life revolves around his children and their activities, their schedules, their sports. He is also obsessed with housekeeping and his flat is always immaculate, he is constantly doing laundry and ironing.

He is a very caring parent, but seems incapable of taking care of himself and his own life. Does this make any sense?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/05/2020 15:55

You write he is the children's primary carer but in another post you state he only has them 50% of the time. He can be sort of hands on with them also because he has all too willing women women like you and his ex wife who till now has carried him.

Original poster
WhatTheActualHeckAmIDoing · 05/05/2020 15:59

I meant primary carer in the sense that he is the parent on call for emergencies, or the one who most often goes to shows, games, drives them around.

He and his ex-wife share custody 50/50, but she has a very demanding job so she is not around as much as he is.

I agree that his ex-wife "carried" him until now, he got accustomed to a very expensive lifestyle which he can't afford anymore and yet he hasn't changed his habits. She is a very smart and driven woman. When they met 20 years ago, I think he just embraced her plan, her vision, her direction in life and now I suspect he is a bit lost as he doesn't know how to do that for himself.

OP posts:
LexMitior · 05/05/2020 16:10

I think you see the problem; he’s chosen you as the replacement for this ex wife.

Depends why she got rid of him in the first place. You may not know but women do not dump fathers of their children (mostly) if they contribute and care for their kids. They do dump them if they don’t or amount to another child.

Do you know why he got divorced?

Guiltypleasures001 · 05/05/2020 16:11

I'm sorry op..

He isn't a bit lost and doesn't know what to do

Your the replacement younger high earning model
He's got another her it's you

He maybe lovely, but he stuck in a time warp of higher earning
Women who keep him in the life he's accustomed to
His ex grew tired of him, but knew he could claim primary parent
Role and she pays him.

If women such as yourself take on the role he's assigned to you
He has no need to fend for himself

Original poster
WhatTheActualHeckAmIDoing · 05/05/2020 16:12

I only have his version of the events, but they grew apart and mutually split around 2 years ago as they had become like "housemates". They seem to get along very well and he still does all kinds of "jobs" at her place or to help her/ make her life easier. From what I witnessed, there doesn't seem to be animosity.

OP posts:
rvby · 05/05/2020 16:17

If he is willing to be a SAH husband for you, do your washing, cook your meals, organize social life, etc. and that appeals to you, then it could work well. It doesn't sound like he really wants more children, so that would be out.

Also, if he is a cocaine user etc at his age, expect him to develop health problems if you stay together long enough. Cocaine usually coexists with binge drinking and other bad physical habits. You may end up his carer. If your family and friends aren't thrilled, that also means a potential lifetime of awk events and feeling deflated after social gatherings.

If you want a peer who wants a more balanced family life, wants to have kids, is driven to contribute financially, someone engaged and switched on who mucks in with you and can be relied upon - yeah - this guy isn't sounding great.

rvby · 05/05/2020 16:19

Agree with @Guiltypleasures001

Worth noting that if you ever complain or start expecting more from him etc., he will spend all that free time looking for someone who is more amenable.

A man who seems "easily led" and "lost" is usually surprisingly resourceful at finding woman after woman to finance "lead" him

madcatladyforever · 05/05/2020 16:20

No life whatsoever and quite honestly I am astonished he gave you the 10k back.
He won't give the next 20K back I can assure you.
Run for the hills. Lust and "chemistry all count for nothing once the shine wears off.

Bananalanacake · 05/05/2020 16:21

Thank goodness he paid you back the 10 grand. It's good you don't live together, you could date him without combining finances but I would find the lack of a job annoying.

LexMitior · 05/05/2020 16:23

Mutual split means bad or no sex.

Why? You can guess but often means that the woman has lost desire for the man. Often that is connected to working or otherwise contributing.

The posts you have made suggest that he is looking for another billet like the last one.

It’s up to you whether you want the role he is giving you.

Original poster
WhatTheActualHeckAmIDoing · 05/05/2020 16:26

Yesterday something very trivial happened, which really is not a big deal but it got me thinking about our compatibility.

We were on the phone and he said that he has found a good deal online for a barbeque and he bought it, even though a) he already has a barbeque on his balcony, and b) is balcony is only big enough to fit 2 people at once. He said he wasn't really planning on buying a new barbeque, but it was a good deal and he thought "why not?".

The barbeque was £699 Shock

OP posts:
pilates · 05/05/2020 16:31

Yes, you sound like you are at different stages of your lives. Once the new exciting sex has worn off what are you left with?

TheFaerieQueene · 05/05/2020 16:33

You are being primed as the next cash machine. Run away v v fast.

LexMitior · 05/05/2020 16:34

He sounds very expensive. And not reassuringly so.

Beware people who have little to do and a keenness to spend.

JackieFazaki · 05/05/2020 16:42

£669 on a bbq, along with a cocaine habit?
I wouldn't brisket.
Tell him to sizzle his own sausage.

Random63638 · 05/05/2020 16:45

If he was a pro athlete he knows how to apply himself and reach his goals. If that ended 10 years ago and he hasn't come around to a replacement career by now I would suggest he's decided on easy street funded by whoever is willing to have him. Assume he's pretty easy on the eye? Let's him get away with all sorts. It's up to you. If you want to carry him, knowing that he will spend your hard earned cash like water then crack on. If not, then you know what has to happen...

pog100 · 05/05/2020 16:56

Yep, that's a nail in a coffin if I ever saw one. Do not in any way shack up with this man!

Tigersneeze · 05/05/2020 17:46

the bbq isn't trivial it's a window to the future - run!

MitziK · 05/05/2020 19:31

Sounds like their relationship had become a parent and child one. And he still wants to be that child.

It's time to step away and let somebody else become his mother.

Tiny2018 · 05/05/2020 21:40

I'd leave this one personally OP.
After the initial excitement wears off it will all become very tedious and you will begin to seriously resent him.
You will find another caring man in the future, but one who also has more to offer.