I need to leave him, don't I?

[WhatTheActualHeckAmIDoing]

Hi all, I am not new to Mumsnet but I have NCed, because I am frankly a bit ashamed of myself and I don't want this thread to be linked to the rest of my posting history. I think I need a serious kick in the butt, and I know Mumsnet can be great for that, so here we go.

I have been in a relationship with a man for almost 18 months. He is not a bad person at all, but I am starting to realize he might not be the man for me, and even though I love him, I think I might have to wake up, smell the coffee and break up with him.

I am in my early 30s, unmarried, no children, great career, quite ambitious, financially stable and reasonably fit/ attractive.

He is 45, going through a divorce, two children whom he has 50% of the time, unemployed, with very poor prospects of finding a good job, terrible with money, occasional cocaine user, and with a fragile mental health. He is an ex-professional athlete who never really managed to reinvent himself after the end of his sports career, so he has been doing this and that for the last 10 years and now he has been unemployed for 6 months.

He is not sure what kind of job he'd like, he says he is "uninspired" and wants a "cool" job at an "exciting startup". Since quitting his last job because he was "bored", on the days he doesn't have his kids he sleeps in until late, goes for a run, watches movies and plays videogames. I don't think he has applied for one single job in the last month.

When I write it down like this, he sounds horrible. He is actually a very caring and loving man, but he is entirely wrapped up with his own divorce and struggles to adapt to life as a single parent. He used to be married to a very high earner, and he has yet to learn to live within his means now that he is on his own. I had to lend him 10k a few months ago, which he gave me back after a month once the sale of his family house was finalized.

Our relationship was a whirlwind, we met and fell madly in love with each other. The sexual compatibility and chemistry were and still are incredible, and we genuinely care about each other.

However, I wonder, what kind of life can I have with this man? What kind of relationship can I hope to have, whilst he has no plans for his future, no ambitions, no vision? He seems to be just surviving really. He says he might consider having more children in the future, but he is not sure as he feels like his best days are behind him.

All my friends and family don't understand why I am with him, and think I can do much better.

I need to leave him, don't I?

Yes.

I'll be blunt. If he's not found something he enjoys or is worthwhile for him to do for a living in a decade, then he's not going to is he.

That's without the coke ect,,,

I just about dropped my phone at the I loaned him £10k
You’re bloody lucky you got it back from an impulsive waster like him.
£700 on a bbq, wtaf??

699 for a bbq....good grief.

He seems a bit pointless, unless you just want to pass time with him for now, which is a waste of time in itself

One of the biggest red flags here is the bbq! Fine if it suits his living space, he needed it and could afford it....

Yes.
But why haven’t you already?
I would have left as soon as I knew about the cocaine use, let alone the rest.

Middle aged waster looking for a cash machine. Lovely with it but still a waster.

I had to lend him 10k a few months ago

Please don't do this again. You don't have to lend him money, he survived before you were around.

£699 for a 'bargain BBQ when he already has one that's ok- OMG.

He is an aging loser and feckless with it. You know he doesn't have much to offer you OP except maybe the sex, but I'm sure you can find someone better at that, too. xxx

I was sympathetic, thinking maybe you want a house husband, until the BBQ...

Does he take drugs when he has sole responsibility for his children? You have said he is the primary parent.

It doesn't sound like he has any drive. How long can savings last before he needs to get a job?

That bbq cost more than a month in rent for me, then consider depreciation. Fucking idiot. Selfish coke head childish cunt. He wants you as a cash machine. Run now and run fast.

You deserve better, hopefully starting this post is the first step to doing this.
You need someone who inspires you and lives the same life as you. Not someone who is just going to drag you down.

AnotherBoredOne thank you, your words have really resonated with me. To be honest, I am afraid he is going to hold me back in the future.

^Does he take drugs when he has sole responsibility for his children? You have said he is the primary parent.

It doesn't sound like he has any drive. How long can savings last before he needs to get a job?^

He only does drugs very occasionally on big nights out, so never when he is with the children. Whilst talking about the average salary in the UK (around 2k), he once said "I have spent more than that on one night out". It was meant as a joke, but still..

He has quite a bit of money coming from the sale of his marital home last year, I reckon around 60/70k. I guess that should dry up within a year or two, considering how much he spends. He says he thinks he will be employed again by the end of the summer, but I think he is underestimating how tough the post-COVID job market will be, especially considering his fuzzy work experience.

I sometimes despair really.

Yes you do. I was in a similar set up a few years ago, amazing physical connection and a lovely man whom I did love. But it was going nowhere and I knew that in 10 years time it would be too late to get the life I wanted and I'd resent him. I needed to build a life with someone who wanted the same things I did. Don't shortchange yourself, you deserve more.x

When you think about his ex.. do you not see yourself?

She got tired of carrying him, he’s latching on to you to pick up where she left off.

He will drag you down.

My oh has a business and has a former professional athlete working for him, this guy has a house and family and a good job. He’s sorted his life out.

The fact that your boyfriend used to be an athlete is irrelevant actually, he would have been hopelessly feckless regardless of what he did. Don’t fall for that crap.

My oh is worth huge amounts but our BBQ didn’t cost anything like £700!

You sound awesome. He sounds exhausting and tedious with baggage. I would leave.

When you think about his ex.. do you not see yourself?

I sort of see what you guys mean, I have never thought about it in those terms as I am much younger than her, and have no children, so I have always thought our lives were so different.

When I look at it from this point of view though, I suppose we are both smart, ambitious and driven women in well-paid jobs.

I walked into this relationship telling myself that I was not going to "rescue" him or fix his life, but I guess I have fallen into the trap over time, and that is exactly what I am doing now.

I even spent 3 hours redoing his CV for him last month, in the hope that would help him get a better job

You are cash cow number 2.

Not red flags but you will have red flaps. He will fuck you over time and time again and bleed you dry. Emotionally and financially.

You don't sound compatible at all. Sex and love are a massive part of relationships, but they can only stay that way with a partner who carries the burdens of everyday life along with you. Maybe he would have done that for you 20 years ago but not now.