Caught

[africanantelope]

So this post is probably going to start the way a lot of others have, I didn't think I'd be the one writing this one day. Of course I never married for it not to last but there are certain things you can't forgive or move on from. Yesterday evening I found out my husband has been cheating. I don't have any proof of anything physical happening but the intention was there. It was an account on a website with subsequent messages to a couple of people. Of course it's over now but what do I do? Are estate agents still open? I need to get myself out but it's going to be very hard. I have 3 children from a previous relationship, I only work part time, the house we are living in belongs to his mum, it was his nans house and it was our plan to buy it one day but that hasn't happened yet which means I'm not entitled to anything. Our money is all joint and we split everything fairly. I'm going to have to try and find somewhere to rent in our expensive village as I work here and the kids school is here but I don't drive. It's all such a mess. Keep me strong Mumsnet, this is something I know I can't forgive, going into this relationship felt magical and he's always treated me so well, I obviously thought he was a true gent and was completely wrong about him

Sorry you're going through this.

Estate agents should be open to phone at any rate. You can work out what help you might get using the "entitled to" calculator online.

Please try and get some legal advice before you do anything. So sorry you’re having to go through this.

Not sure what legal advice would be needed, they're not married and have no property and the dc are Op's?

Oh sorry, they are married. I've gone mad.

OP I am so sorry to hear this. Is there anyone you can go and stay with perhaps?!

If the house is his mums and your children aren't his, depending how long you have been married for I doubt you will be entitled to anything. Get legal advise non the less. I assume your DC father is paying maintenance.....i hope so anyway. Your cheating DH won't be liable for that as the kids aren't his. Google local solicitors and call one. They should offer a free consultation and will outline the basics. Get details of all financial too and make sure you have access to money.

Do you def want to end it for the sake of a few silly messages? when you don’t have proof that he’s physically cheated,how about you talk to him heart to heart and see where that leads.

Handhold here

Sorry you have become another casualty of disloyalty.

Have you confronted him at all, not that what he has to say matters

Thank you all for your replies. They are much appreciated in the whirlwind I find myself in. In reply to the poster who asked if I was definitely sure my answer is no. I'm not opposed to trying but I've been in a similar situation before with the father of my children and I decided to stay, we were together for 10 years and from when I found out about him being unfaithful I found I couldn't let it go, as much as I tried I held onto it and wasted years of my life being unhappy, anxious and unfulfilled. In regards to my marriage I've been so happy, felt so secure and am treated so so well in day to day life so this has thrown me completely off guard. It has been so magical up to this point which I know it'll never be able to feel like that again and I know I'll really struggle to get past it. Is it worth wasting more years? Xx

@Greenkit I did confront him yes, he admitted to lying and handed over his phone. He said he's got no excuse and has no reason to explain why he did it as he says he's happy. I couldn't bring myself to read the messages but I'd seen that he had 3 or 4 chats going with different people. All stared within the last couple of weeks. But the fact that he's lied means there could be lots more. Who knows, I don't think I can believe anything he says.

Hello all. I've been in touch with an estate agent and found somewhere suitable in the village which is rare! Considering the prices and how often places come on 'to let' here I didn't think it would happen so soon. What would you do? Is it too soon to be making decisions the next day? Or would I be silly to let the house go to somebody else and to give him the chance to try and win me back considering what I know about myself and how hard I find it to forgive? Would I just be wasting more time? We've only been married since last July, this should of been our happiest years! I know that means I won't be entitled to anything which I don't mind because I don't want to gain anything from him, and the kids aren't his. It would just mean closing the joint account and splitting our savings 50/50 and going our own way. But I feel such a failure with how short the marriage has been, either that or a lucky escape to find out at the beginning. I'm very confused! Writing this down and rereading it has made me think I'm just not ready to make a decision yet but then I don't want to lose this place and not be able to find somewhere else for potentially a very long time

It's tough that you have to make such a huge decision so quickly. What an idiot he was. You haven't been married a year - what the hell is up with him? Do you think now that he cheated beforehand?

Just going on the information you have given, if he says he had no excuse and was happy, than it kind of sounds like he needs constant attention and ego boosting. Was he like this before you married him? Has he a bit of a god complex, where you need to constantly admire and give praise to everything he does? Again I'm only going on information provided. But if so than would you be happy to constantly spend you the rest of your life doing so in fear that you might slip and his back on these sites again. I think in order to even try to forgive you really really need to get to the absolute root of the problems, why he felt after such a short time married he needed this attention. And I'm so sorry your hurting and having to go through this yet again. That's heart breaking

Also I wouldn't let that house go, if they are hard to find. If you do think you can work it out, I would do it from separate houses. You'd be kicking yourself after if you found that nope not a chance I can do this

I think the future with him is way too uncertain to miss out on the house. The likelihood is he will let you down again, especially as he has no real reason for having done it this time so how can he possibly guarantee he won't do it again? Take the house OP, if nothing else at least it means you have options

Take the house. You can then talk to him if you want and see if it is salvageable but you will be in a position of 'power's in that you have already proven you are willing to leave and there will he no uncertainty about where you will go.

He loses any upper hand he thinks he might have.

Take the other house and give yourself some time out to decide where you go from here. Not a bad thing the kids aren't his so he can't try and make you feel bad about moving them out too (assuming he would). Put yourself in control of the situation and take your time xx

Interested in how you are feeling now, OP. I am over a year finding out . Like you, I do not think I can ever forgive my DH and can not let go of that. My life would be so much easier if I could.
I think the house thing is rushing your decision. It is not great to make such a decision while you are feeling so emotional. Maybe this is salvageable as it seems a different scenario that your 1st DH. Can your 2nd DH move out instead to give you some space. ?

Go for the house, it doesn't have to mean you get divorced straight away, you can think on that later and it shows him you are not tolerating his behaviour. Whether he then fights for you or just rolls with it then may help you decide the final outcome, either way, you can give notice on the rent and taking at least 6 months to weigh the options and see what gives - and consider his reaction - is a good idea.

Grab the house it’s a base for you, any talking can then be done on neutral ground. 💐

I'm so sorry he has done this, Op. it must feel so awful.

My instinct would be that you should move out for a few reasons.

Firstly, that you may not get the chance again and a place is available now.

But more importantly, that whatever happens - and whether you manage to work it out in particular - he needs to know that you aren't going to tolerate that behaviour. You won't forgive it. You have a boundary and you will defend it.

If you forgave him and worked on it without this bit consequence, I'm not sure it would have the same impact. He had to be scared to lose you to truly change this behaviour.

And it is all on him to make this right now. Not you. He has to do the fighting and make the changes.

You are showing him that you value yourself. It's a powerful message.

You're doing really well.

Thank you all so much for all of your messages yesterday. I really thought after my last confused update the consensus would be not to make any rash decisions but it seems the opposite which makes me feel like I'm not going mad in even considering it! So thank you. I've got all of the application forms so I'm going to go for it today. It's the lying I can't get over, and how I never even had a single suspicion he was even capable of doing this. You know when you hit a certain age and you think to yourself "I know what I want and what I need" and then you think you find a partner in someone you can wholly trust and rely upon. Someone you think would have your back until the end. That is truly what I believed. It's so heartbreaking that I have to split my family up again. It's not as hard on the kids as last time when leaving their dad but they are settled here and I feel so bad I have to uproot them again. Although they are 50/50 with me and their dad so it'll just be that they are coming to another house when it's my time with them but they will miss my DH and his son. To the poster who asked if I think maybe he was doing it before we got married: honestly I wouldn't even be able to say, looking back there are no times I felt suspicious. And to the poster who asked about his behaviour being god like etc: he's not one to need constant attention from me if that makes sense, he seemed happy with how we were and never seemed to be needy or wanting more. Because my kids are with their dad half of the time and his son was here eow and school holidays we were lucky enough to get a lot more time together then most marriages where children are involved. To the poster who said she's a year down the line, how are you feeling now? Have you both been trying to work it out?

Thank you again

Finding the house so easily is a sign its supposed to be. Go for it and best of luck

Which website was it? Was he actually arranging to meet them after lockdown? Could it be male porn fantasy stuff only?

So sorry you are going through this. It's shit, I know.

Get the house, then if you want to try again it will be on your terms and he will need to work hard to fix things.

Or you might decide to cut your losses and move on

@heartyrebel thank you 
@Starlink16 it was fab swingers, he was talking to men and women.
Another turn of events I'm afraid and I'm so glad I did that application for the house, we spoke and I asked him to be completely honest with me seen as this is a marriage and I so wanted it to be for life. He told me things to a certain extent. He then handed over his phone for me to find a whole other account with messages going back the entire length of our relationship. So he had the chance to spill, chatted the most amount of bullshit about being sorry for hurting me and wanting to try and then I find that. So there you go, there is no going back as far as I'm concerned. I asked him why he involved me and the kids in his life if that's the way he wants to live and he had no answers. There is no point even talking to him now. How could I not of known? I feel an absolute fool. Unfortunately I'm stuck living here until I can sort something, I'm keeping fingers crossed with the house but my credit is terrible and I only work part time, plus it's a 2 bed house and I have 3 children for half of the time so I'm hoping for it to go through but I'm also doubtful. I've been on to the local council who are going to put me in touch with a homelessness officer who can help and advise me. I can't go and stay with mum during lockdown because she's vulnerable and I'm still going out to work as I'm in a supermarket. The rest of my family and friends are in London and with it being lockdown I couldn't really stay with anybody else anyway. He's agreed to sleep downstairs so that's good. It's my birthday in a few days so I'll have to spend that here too. What a big mess. Thank you all for letting me rant. It's really helping x