Caught

[africanantelope]

So this post is probably going to start the way a lot of others have, I didn't think I'd be the one writing this one day. Of course I never married for it not to last but there are certain things you can't forgive or move on from. Yesterday evening I found out my husband has been cheating. I don't have any proof of anything physical happening but the intention was there. It was an account on a website with subsequent messages to a couple of people. Of course it's over now but what do I do? Are estate agents still open? I need to get myself out but it's going to be very hard. I have 3 children from a previous relationship, I only work part time, the house we are living in belongs to his mum, it was his nans house and it was our plan to buy it one day but that hasn't happened yet which means I'm not entitled to anything. Our money is all joint and we split everything fairly. I'm going to have to try and find somewhere to rent in our expensive village as I work here and the kids school is here but I don't drive. It's all such a mess. Keep me strong Mumsnet, this is something I know I can't forgive, going into this relationship felt magical and he's always treated me so well, I obviously thought he was a true gent and was completely wrong about him

@africanantelope
Make sure you let the estate agents know you've got bad credit and see what options they have for you.
Some landlords dont kind people with bad credit or they might want you to have a guarantor.

Do you know if your husband actually met people?
Not that it makes any difference really apart from you would need STD checks.

I'm on fabswingers but single, there are so many married people on there.
Personally I dont go with married men so if they tell me they're married or I get bad vibes I dont meet them.

I'm so sorry you're going through this

Definitely go for the house if you can do it. Time will tell if there may be some chance of reconciliation. It's almost impossible trying to think and mend it from inside a situation..ie being in the shared house.
It's not you that has failed its him that has failed you and brought about this misery and break up.
Best of luck with the house.

@SortingItOut I'm not sure if he's met people or not, the messages I did read there was only chat but I couldn't read them all, didn't want too and there were so so many  the thing is I'm very open, we have a very open and exciting sex life, I knew he was bisexual, it didn't bother me. We'd discussed things like swinging and agreed it could be a definite possibility for our future so I'm just flabbergasted that he's gone behind my back and done this. And it just seems like it's something he started before we met as he was single for a few years before we met and then he's just carried it on throughout our whole relationship and then marriage without a second thought. It's just so horrible to be lied to. Thank you for your message, I've explained to the estate agent and waiting on a reply.
@Raidblunner thank you so much I really appreciate it

@africanantelope
On fab swingers you can verify when you've met people so others can see you are who you say you are, it's like an ID check but also you can leave comments about what you did as well.

I have to say messaging people is quite addictive and for some just the chatting is enough and they dont meet anyone.

It's such a shame he continued on there when you started a relationship, I guess he didnt see it as an issue especially as he cant explain why he continued to do it.

I'm pleased you've let the estate agents know because that might prevent an outright no.

I hope you can get this house and move you and the kids into it and start rebuilding your life.

@SortingItOut didn't even think to check for something like that, but makes sense for a site like that to have that in place. O well, I guess I'll never know as he obviously can't be honest. Thank you for the luck, me and the kids will be fine and I'm sure I'll be happy again one day in the not too distant future I hope

@africanantelope
If you know his username(s) I can check for you if you want.

As I said before it probably doesnt make much difference because it's the deceit that's the issue whether anything physical happened or not.

I'm 2 years down the line from a 17 year emotionally abusive marriage with numerous emotional affairs on his part and honestly life is so good.
I try not to regret not leaving earlier but sometimes I cant help it.
You and the kids will have a great time all together building a new life.

@SortingItOut thank you but I think I'd rather not know now I've made the decision to leave also the 2 accounts that I found he has deleted in front of me so I'm not sure if there are more or what the usernames would be. It's so great to hear there is light at the end of the tunnel, I know eventually we'll be ok it just sucks when you have lots of plans and ideas and hopes for the future and you are genuinely happy to then have to change all of that xx

Yes , I agree , this is not OK. The sex thing isn't even the part that might bother you as you seem very open minded.
But it really is the betrayal , lies and deceit that makes it so awful. You can never trust him to tell you the truth about anything.

@Stillfunny you've summed it up perfectly. I honestly don't believe a word he says to me now which is such a turn around to a few days ago because I'd never once doubted anything he said

fab swingers is probably the most grim website out there so i think you’re doing the right thing. you’re better off not reading the verifications as one of them will have 60 reviews of their own and you’ll probably have a heart attack thinking of what you could have been exposed to.

i’d get an sti check if i were you.

Sugartitss (sorry cant tag)
Fab swingers is not the most grim website out there, yes there are married people looking for casual sex but there are also lots of couples looking for other couples or singles to join them and also singles looking to meet a fuck buddy or friend with benefits- I like the fact you can verify people, when you start talking to someone you know that they are real.

It takes time to sort the wheat from the chaff but there are some nice people on there.

Dont tar everyone with the same brush.

@africanantelope
How are you doing?
Did you get the property you applied for?

I'm so sorry OP.. good luck with the house