Scared I’ll be on my own forever

[Ceriane]

Not sure where to start and I know people have much bigger problems but in the lockdown this issue is going around in my head morning, noon and night. I’m 36 and have been almost completely single for a few years now. Online dating makes me feel really uneasy and unsafe, plus I rarely to never feel attracted to anyone and really don’t want to force it. I dread seeing extended family and friends I haven’t seen for a while as they hassle me about it, some actually get really angry with me over it. I feel deep shame about my singleness and hate talking about it or being asked about it. I actually have never really minded being on my own but the pressure I feel because of my age and things people say is immense. I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to meet my soulmate, fall in love, have a wedding and a baby and I know I’m running out of time, but it has to be genuine love. I really have to feel strongly about someone. It’s nothing to do with wanting someone with no flaws and a high flying career, I couldn’t care less about that stuff and I’m sick of having that assumption thrown at me. I just have to be in love, that’s all, and I can’t make that happen by force. I don’t want to spend all my time in lockdown trawling OLD sites it really stresses me out. I don’t know what to do and I’m worrying about this all the time.

How are you op? Done any OLD/flirting yet?

Your probably right, but with OLD it’s hard to know who to date. How do you decide?

Have been talking to a few people on there. Will see how it goes.

Erm.... have just had a random inbox message from someone calling themselves MrShyGuy on mumsnet asking me to contact them. Seems well dodgy. Has this happened to anyone else?

Well I hope it's lifting your spirits OP. As you can't meet i'm sure you'll suss out who you like...and don't like.

Here's a bit of intel on him anyway... www.mumsnet.com/SearchArch?mustmatch=&dontmatch=&nickname=mrshyguy&src_displ_option=s_m_d_m&fromDate=&toDate=&topicmode=All

Thanks

I just don’t get why people don’t realise how much it hurts when they keep bringing it up and saying “you need to find someone, why aren’t you finding anyone, you need to stop being so fussy”. These people have never done OLD! They think all men are like the lovely guy they met in their teenage years.

Because of exactly that - they don't have a clue. Not sure what the answer is I'm afraid op; perhaps you should get them to read a few of these threads on MN....it has certainly opened my eyes to what men are like nowadays! X

Erm, just do what feels right for you and more importantly, try not to let these comments get to you, I have found that when you are single after your 20s asking you why are you single seems to be, for some people, as normal as talking of the weather. Just ignore or tell them you would prefer they drop it and stop asking you about it as your personal life is none of their business.

About OLD, I doesn’t have to be as bad as people say. There are a lot of very nice men out there BUT you really need to be in a good place, where you don’t really care much about what other peIole think to survive it for long enough to find someone. This is not the time, take good care of yourself and forget about the whole business until you want.

Thank you. I just feel like I’m practically having a breakdown over all this the last couple of weeks. Ridiculous I know.

Be kind to yourself, this lock down is very trying for all of us.

So. I have been online dating and what tends to happen is you send a few messages back and forth and you think you may have found a genuine nice guy, then they suddenly turn it round to wanting to talk about sex, or they start asking for your number (I don’t want to give my number out to a perfect stranger) or ask you to Whattsapp them. Is asking you to Whattsapp them a bad sign? I’m really naive, have only had a couple of serious relationships with people I already knew well through friends/college so this meeting strange men is new and EXTREMELY scary to me. I just don’t know how to develop a relationship online. I know we can’t really meet up at the moment but if we could it would scare me. Video date is an option that I feel a lot more comfortable with, but they seem to want to go straight to Whattsapp, or asking you to add them on Facebook or your number. I don’t know how you can tell you like someone enough to date them from a thumbnail photo and a few awkward messages....how do people go about it, need help here.

Anyone I've spoken to on OLD I've messaged through the app for a while, some people can be a bit pushy.if you do WhatsApp them and you feel it's not right or they aren't what you thought they were, block them!
Might sound a bit harsh but you always have that safety net lol!
Try and encourage staying on the dating app if they get arsey then they're probably not worth it.
In all fairness it's pot luck you may find someone fairly quickly, just try to enjoy meeting new people xx

Adding on Facebook does at least mean they are unlikely to be married. Coupled up men looking for a bit on the side steer well away from Facebook

The chances of love just happening are low you need to put yourself out there, seems like your ready and wanting someone so try OLD, no need to rush anything and only contact the ones your interested in, loads will probabaly ask you out on a date but again you don't have to say yes to just anyone.

It may be that you're just "different" OP, re. "coupledom", we're not all like the little baby turtles running in one direction to the sea. Some of us have different paths. Alot of my favourite writers and artists (Stevie Smith, Tracy Emin) have been single women. And whilst I'm sure there are some lovely things about a genuinely happy relationship, there are many relationships and men that would not appeal to me, I'd find them too boring or too restrictive.

"I feel deep shame about my singleness" - I think thats quite an insight OP, and I think there is something like that that exists in our society, I'm not sure exactly why. But I believe it is possible to create something apart from that if you want to.

If you can, it might be a good idea to think of some things you would like to do to make your life interesting or fulfilled first. Is that possible?

Ahh the old Whatsapp! I find that guys pressure you to go there so they can send and request dirty pics and videos. I always refuse for a while and see how they react. Some get really stroppy and then you know they just want sex talk. If they're happy to stay on the site theyre more likely to be serious from my experience.

I don't necessarily think asking to move chat to WhatsApp is bad. I prefer to talk off site and often ask. On the basis I can still block them.
Although after what @Mermaidwaves said now I'm thinking they think I'm offering nudes... they must be sorely disappointed

I tend to dip in and out of OLD, it gets really wearing sometimes. The ones that push for your number after a only a few messages are wanting to chat off site as you can report any sleazy messages to site admins and then they get blocked from the whole site. There are a lot that will chat for a few days and then disappear for no apparent reason, so you have to be quite thick skinned. If you do want to meet someone for a date (when we're allowed out) just make sure it's in a busy place, let someone know where you're going and when you expect to be back, and obviously never let them pick you up from home/drop you to your door after the date. I had one guy really push for that...massive red flag!

On the whole though, I've found it's better to be single than with the wrong person. Just remember OP, you could turn any corner and bump into the man of your dreams! Things can change in a split second, and when we least expect it! Keep your spirits up and NEVER let anyone make you ashamed to be single.

If youve been chatting a while there's nothing wrong with moving to whattsap its more after only a few messages I'm wary. Its happened too many times.

Liberty is a better husband than love to many of us.

Thank you so much for all your replies. It’s helping me so much just to be able to talk about this. I haven’t given up on love, I think my main problem is just fear (or maybe I’m sensible to be cautious). I also only tend to fancy someone when there is an emotional connection. I want the relationship it’s the idiots I might meet along the way and the fear of settling for one of them due to the pressure I feel.

When I try to explain to people they think I mean a fear of being hurt in a relationship or rejected, but I’m not any more afraid of that than anyone else, it’s the predators, sleazeballs or downright bad or dangerous people I’m scared of!

Yes, being single is hard work.

This is a feeling that I had especially strongly in my late 30s. The day I turned 40 I said to myself fuck it I don't care and haven't looked back. There's nothing wrong with being single, but in your 30s there's a real pressure to find "the one" and settle down. I hate to say because it sounds like I'm saying it will take a few years for you to get over this, but life can look better on the other side of a feeling like this.

I never wanted to move into whatsapp (They get your number) much less so Facebook (They get a good view of your life) until I met them. Fortunately, they were interested enough to put up with my insisting of communicating only through the OLD site.

Some people look to be nice in OLD but you really don’t know how they are in real life until you meet. I only felt comfortable with giving them my phone number when I felt comfortable enough to meet them.

Hi OP. I am the same age as you and genuinely very happily single. Obviously that might change if I met someone great, but for me being single is something that I would have to think hard about giving up.
I think you need to think carefully about who you are doing this for - is it for you or to try and conform to expectations?
I do date (in normal times anyway) but as time goes by I am more and more discerning 😄
Personally I don’t think there is any point trying to do OLD at the moment. You can’t meet people (well you could have a socially distanced date but I just don’t think it would be the same!) More likely is that you will message people and the promising ones either turn sleazy as you say, or a good conversation might just fizzle out over time. In normal life I think you need to meet people from OLD as soon as possible, endless messaging can be a huge waste of time. At the moment you can’t do that so I’d just put OLD on hold for now.
There surely must be more single people now than ever before, and when restrictions allow us to meet people again, the dating scene will be very busy! Until then maybe try and work out what YOU want.