Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has Mumsnet changed your attitude to sex (and/or men?)

82 replies

NoMoreDickheads · 04/05/2020 18:03

I might've got there anyway, or it could be just a phase, but I think that Mumsnet has made me realize how much men use women as objects and it has put me off casual sex with men as it seems as if they are disrespectful.

I know some people have good FWB experiences (mine was bad) or casual experiences, but I just don't feel like I would be into the thought that I was being used as a bouncy castle now. (I know women can be as into an encounter as men and stuff- just my feeling about their attitude at the moment.)

Has Musnet changed your attitude to sex or men in any way?

Oh and I think I will see through the various behaviours of men more- or at least, I hope so!

OP posts:
Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 05/05/2020 12:17

@thepeopleversuswork

Here we are
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3898591-To-find-DHs-lockdown-beard-repulsive

This is a current one but there have been many more.

Your other points

I agree. No one should be made to stay in an unhappy relationship but that applies equally to both sexes. Why should we tell men that they have to stay in a sexless relationship and if they don't they are sex pests or shallow?

With regards working - if you are a stay at home mum you are absolutely not spending 10 hours a day (whilst partner out working) completely and utterly tied up in caring for your children. That's nonsense and we all know it. I've been a SAHM to two children. Of course there's time to run the hoover round, stick some washing on, clean the bathroom, tidy up, wash up. There is no reason why every week the partner needs to. Work for 40 hours a week and then come home and have to do chores because nothing has been done all day, especially when children are at school.

Yes, there are still inequalities between the sexes but it seems to me that too many women on MN want to exploit the inequalities that are in their favour and are happy for them to continue.

There are just so many threads where men are ripped apart from.doing, or not doing, things that if it were a woman people would be outraged. There have been threads where a poster says that their partner won't do certain sex acts and the man is absolutely ripped to shreds about how he should do it, it's not all about him etc. Imagine a man posting that his wife wouldn't do blow jobs - how many would say she absolutely should, it's not all about her?

Raidblunner · 05/05/2020 12:18

*As a man
Oh piss off
That's like really helpful! Surely having a male perspective can offer an alternative insight in to understanding more about each others gender and ways of thinking.

DateandTime · 05/05/2020 12:23

It's made me realise how lucky I am in the men I know. I really don't recognise all the evilness in men that many MNetters seem to experience.

Even where I have experienced casual sexism I don't think it's calculated in the way people here seem to believe.

TigerDater · 05/05/2020 15:09

It's in attributing calculated, deliberately manipulative behaviour to men, especially abusive men, that I part company with a lot of posters on MN. Men, like women, generally continue to bumble along in the way they have been encouraged/allowed to do in their upbringing and early experiences. Making out that men do such and such to 'reel you in', 'confuse you' etc suggests they are intelligent whereas women are foolish for allowing it. It's another way in which power is sucked away from women and girls, to suggest that men are 'good' at manipulation and women are 'bad' at dealing with it.

That aside, yes the most critically important thing for women is financial independence. I didn't need MN to teach me this: I observed it from every other single bloody woman in my family. I feel so blessed to have three DDs that I can drum this in to, and no sons to keep away from porn and toxic masculinity.

Anonymouswasawoman · 05/05/2020 15:22

It has opened my eyes to just how many abusive relationships there are out there and how many women are putting up with some real shit from their partners. It has taught me to not accept such shit. It has educated me a lot about toxic relationships, not just male/female ones.

ByzantinePrincess · 05/05/2020 15:27

If reading about the actions of some or even many men on an anonymous online messageboard has made you change your opinion of men you haven’t even met yet, you may wish to look up the meaning of the word ‘prejudice’. Luckily, even if a load of posters started threads on how, say, black people had robbed, assaulted or raped them, I wouldn’t start hating or mistrusting other black people that I met. Because I understand that people are individuals and the acts of others who share a certain characteristic with them (sex, age, race) do not mean that any one specific individual of the same characteristic is more or less likely to do so, or should be judged on it!

LightenUpSummer · 05/05/2020 15:32

ByzantinePrincess On the contrary, I think seeing the same patterns repeated over and over on here, allows us to consciously realise what we had always witnessed but didn't let ourselves believe, about how so many men behave. (not all men, etc etc)

It's a very good thing and I wish I'd been exposed to MN much younger, could've saved an awful lot of heartache and financial trouble.

OnlyToWin · 05/05/2020 15:33

It’s opened my eyes to how badly some men treat women. It’s made me appreciate DH more in that respect but has also made me aware that so many women writing those posts about affairs etc. has been given no reason to mistrust their DHs prior to their betrayal. I always find that really worrying and wonder if I am very lucky or very naive!

Iwalkinmyclothing · 05/05/2020 15:35

No, I don't think so. I mean, I've been on and off MN for a while, I'm sure some of what I read here contributes in the same way that things I read/ see/ talk about/ experience elsewhere to the way I think about things, but I wouldn't say any one forum has greatly impacted my views of sex or men or relationships.

SexOffenderTreatmentGirl · 05/05/2020 15:41

Name changed for this. Not mumsnet as such, although we do hear lots of shit stories about men here which definitely compounds things but my job has definitely put me off sex and relationships.
I am a psychologist and work with sex offenders in prisons and years of spending all day every day talking about rape and the degradation and objectification of women has taken it's toll Sad

ByzantinePrincess · 05/05/2020 15:42

@LightenUpSummer but that’s a specific behaviour which you’re now recognising, which is fine; it’s not a change in the way your regard a whole sex which the OP suggested

wobblywinelover · 05/05/2020 18:37

I gave up on relationships a few years ago (I'm 45) after a string of disappointing and borderline abusive relationships with men. Despite being biologically attracted to men i've decided that i'd rather be alone. I've been stalked, cheated on, abused, used, and i'm totally done with it all. I'm so fed up of putting an effort in and getting nothing back it has turned me off men (sorry). I don't even fancy them any more and my sex drive has dwindled to nothing. I'd rather be on my own with my cat. If only men knew how much they turn women off but they are so selfish and sex driven they can't see the wood for the trees. I don't care about relationships any more and I feel like it's a weight lifted off my shoulders.

ChablisandCrisps · 05/05/2020 20:37

@wobblywinelover I am in a very unhappy relationship that I cannot leave at the moment but once I can, I have no intention of having another relationship. I'm so sick of being used emotionally, financially and sexually by men that I absolutely give up. I am 35 and plan to live the rest of my life happy on my own and I cannot wait. Good luck to you Wine

SandyY2K · 05/05/2020 20:55

It hasn't changed my view of men, but I'm amazed at how many useless, lazy, non earning men (who I never knew were called cocklodgers) there are...but more surprised that so many women actually put up with them and continue to have children with them.

Before I got married I met a few good for nothing men, but there's no chance I'd have ever settled down with them.

I will not say all men are in that category...as it's far too much of a sweeping statement.

I would agree with a pp who said men can't do any right on here though. The double standards are astounding.

TomPinch · 05/05/2020 23:37

Some years back I (under another name) posted about what my DW was doing to me. I was told I was clearly suffering from EA and I should LTB. So in my case there was no double standard against men, for I am one.

The many examples on MN of what so many women go through breaks my heart and makes me very angry. They, and the advice given in response, helped me make sense of my own situation (and that of a female friend) enormously and I am grateful for it. However, the fact that this was advice for women, and I am not female, has left me very confused about my place in the world, had made me question my own motives. I also feel unmanly, which is something I wouldn't have given much thought to in the past.

sammylady37 · 06/05/2020 07:18

@Sadiesnakes
Well when the sex board regulars appear you know the threads gone to shite

What’s your point here? Are you saying that women who post on the sex board regularly shouldn’t post elsewhere on the site? Or that their opinions are less valid than others who post elsewhere? Or that they’re to be dismissed because they’ve an interest in and openness about sex?

What a vile post. I can’t think of a single good reason why the ‘sex board regulars’ posting would ruin a thread.

Eesha · 06/05/2020 07:24

@wobblywinelover I felt sad reading your post. You have been through so much. I think it's so easy to end up disillusioned by relationships/men which is very sad. I know for me, I still have hope about things but the lack of things working out etc/feeling fed up has crushed that hope a lot in me.

StarlightLady · 06/05/2020 07:56

Mum taught sister and l that sex was a positive thing, a shared thing and not something that someone “gives”. She said that if it didn’t feel really nice you were either doing it wrong or doing it with the wrong person.

They became my life rules really. Sexually happy, sexually healthy.

blue30 · 06/05/2020 08:26

Men aren't all the same any more than women are all the same. Each person you meet is unique regardless of sex. Grouping and labeling people is negative and destructive.

Sadiesnakes · 06/05/2020 08:47

What’s your point here? Are you saying that women who post on the sex board regularly shouldn’t post elsewhere on the site? Or that their opinions are less valid than others who post elsewhere? Or that they’re to be dismissed because they’ve an interest in and openness about sex?
*

Can't see where I posted "women" anywhere, but read into it however you like...👍🏻

sammylady37 · 06/05/2020 08:52

@Sadiesnakes
Can't see where I posted "women" anywhere, but read into it however you like

Ok then. Replace ‘women’ with ‘people’ in my post. Why are you saying the thread has ‘gone to shite’ because the ‘sex board regulars’ are posting? What’s your point here? Are you saying that people who post on the sex board regularly shouldn’t post elsewhere on the site? Or that their opinions are less valid than others who post elsewhere? Or that they’re to be dismissed because they’ve an interest in and openness about sex?

Missmog · 06/05/2020 16:51

I still make up my own mind about people as individuals. No one is all bad or all good.

I have to say that Mumsnet has made me aware that being in a relationship isn't the be all and end all. I really feel for men and women who are on here wanting relationship advice.

I am single and imagine couples and families being all loved up in lockdown. The grass is always greener.

Sadiesnakes · 06/05/2020 18:36

@sammylady37 Again read into it how you want.

sammylady37 · 06/05/2020 19:20

@Sadiesnakes Again read into it how you want

Thanks. I now know all I need and want to know about you.

Rosieredapples · 06/05/2020 19:28

It hasn't made me view men or relationships differently but it has definitely taught me about maintaining boundaries in any relationship, parental, sibling, romantic etc.