My partner is a binge drinker

[Kreader]

Hi,

I’m just wondering if anyone can offer and advice or if anyone else has dealt with this before.

My partner and I have been together 5 years and have recently bought a house. But since moving in the fact that he is a binge drinker has become apparent. He drinks possibly 3/4 times a week and on those occasions he is drinking heavily (8/9 pints) and he isn’t a good drinker so is very obviously drunk. This is affecting my home life and is making it very difficult for me. I’m on the brink of tears most days because the anxiety of wondering whether he will have a drink that day is just too much. I know my night is over as soon as he starts drinking.

I have spoken to him seriously about 4 times about how I feel and the fact that it is destroying our relationship. He doesn’t think he has a problem as he doesn’t drink every night. His mother is an ex alcoholic with now serious health issues as a result and his dad is a current alcoholic (they are both separated).

I truly love my partner, when he isn’t drinking he is such an excellent and loving man. We don’t argue about anything else other than this.

Has anyone got any advice of how we could move forward? I do want to stay with him but I know I can’t go on like this.

In what ways is he a bad drinker? What happens when he has a drink?

He won't accept that he has a problem, so you need to lay it out for him.

What is the outcome you would like to see? Tee-total or a weekend drinker?

You need to lay out your concerns and desires in your own mind and then set them out for him. If it really is a deal breaker and he is not willing to compromise, leave him. And mean it.

Hi,

This week he was quite aggressive when he was drunk. Verbally not physically. It was shocking and upsetting for me as I hadn’t seen that side of him before.

I don’t expect him to be tee total but a weekend drinking who just has 1-2 which seems out of the question for him at the moment

X

You can’t do anything to make him recognise that his drinking is problematic, nor to get him to change it.

The first thing anyone living with someone with a problematic relationship with alcohol is that it is not something they can control or cure.

All you can really do is consider whether him being very drunk half the week is something you can live with. He’s told you he doesn’t see it as an issue and he has no intention of changing his drinking habits. So your starting point is a relationship with a regular binge drinker and that’s not going to change.

If that isn’t something you can live with, then you’ll need to consider how to proceed. It may be that you want to try living separately and only seeing him when he’s not drinking. Or you may feel that you cannot continue at all.

Getting some counselling to help you think this through might be very useful for use. As might contacting a local Al-Anon type group.

So what has happened in the four conversations you've had about this? Has he agreed to make changes and then failed to do so?

I’m not sure it’s that helpful for the OP to set out to try to change her partner into the kind of drinker she’d like him to be. It’s just not within her control to achieve that.

Her partner drinks very heavily 3-4 nights every week. And he doesn’t see this as a problem. He’s also aggressive while drunk. That’s the situation. Sitting him down and telling him how much he should be drinking or whatever won’t make any difference. Loads of people have spent years fruitlessly trying to change their partner’s problematic drinking habits. It doesn’t work, and creates an unhealthy dynamic in a relationship.

It’s not unusual for someone’s problematic habits to only come to light after you’ve moved in together. Before that he’d have been able to see you on sober or fairly sober nights and binge drink when he wasn’t with you. That also allowed him to hide the verbal aggression that comes with drinking. Now you’re living together, you are getting to see more if what he’s really like.

It sounds really difficult.

Is he drinking 8/9 pints a night?

I'm finding your post confusing. You've been with someone for five years and never noticed that he drinks 8/9 pints most nights? Had you never spent any substantial time together before buying a house for example, weekends or evenings at each other's houses?

Do you think he was a secret drinker as he seems to have built up quite the tolerance in a few weeks?

I'm just a bit confused. Also you say he's aggressive when drinking. Aggressive in what way? Does he start arguments or is he leaning into your face and intimidating you?

Is he aware of his behaviour, after the matter?

The thing with alcohol is that it creates a shame cycle. Which is very hard to break.

You do something shameful when drunk.
You cannot face it when sober.
You drink.
You do something shameful when drunk.

It takes a lot to work through breaking that cycle and to admit that alcohol is the catalyst.

So how is he behaving when you talk to him about his drunken self?

He doesn’t think he has a problem

Sorry you're going through this OP but this sentence alone speaks volumes. Unfortunately he won't change his ways if he doesn't believe it's a problem. Now if you're saying he became violent at the weekend and made you scared that should seriously make you reevaluate your situation.
Have you spoken to anyone that can support and help you? Is there anyone else that can speak to him to make himself see what he is doing?
Have a think about what you want and I really hope you can do whatever you need to do to either help him or end the relationship.

Hi,

Il try to reply your replies here, I do appreciate all your replies. But please understand this is extremely hard and upsetting for me.

Yes prior to living together we did spend a lot of time together however, we both work shifts for our jobs and obviously our shifts don’t always coincide and so there were occasions when we may not see each other for 3 nights at a time and this would have been his ideal drinking time I assume. I obviously would not have bought the house if this was apparent beforehand.

This previous week when drunk he was in my face, shouting etc. Which was obviously devastating for me.

I understand that it is not my job to change him or to make him change but I am finding this heartbreaking to watch as his before is unrecognisable to how he was before.

OP the reason I'm asking these questions is not to upset you but to find out more about what's going on so as to better advise.

He's always drunk this much,so this is not something which has just occurred because of lock down - this is him. This isn't going to change.

The aggression is going to escalate as he is intimidating you physically. We've all drunk too much and got into an argument, perhaps not behaved in a way we were particularly proud of. However, most people know the next day, apologise and don't do it again.

You've got a functional alcoholic on your hands and he's abusive. My advice to you is to contact Shelter today with your mortgage details to hand and get advice on the house.

My next step would be to find somewhere else to go for the duration of the lockdown if you can. It's fine to move for abusive situations. If there's nowhere and you have money then rent for a couple of months while you sort out the house.

OP this is going to get worse and it's better to cut your losses.

He's abusive. You need to end the relationship. Contact women's aid for help

I understand that it is not my job to change him or to make him change but I am finding this heartbreaking to watch as his before is unrecognisable to how he was before.

Oh, @Kreader. Of course it’s devastating and awful.

It really isn’t that strange that he hid his drinking from you before you bought a house together. It’s remarkably easy to do if you don’t live together, even in a 5 year relationship.

It must be absolutely awful to realise that the man you’re living with just isn’t who you thought he was.

The thing about these sort of alcohol issues is that it is incredibly difficult for partners to properly accept that they didn’t cause the drinking, they can’t control it and they certainly can’t cure it (the 3Cs in addiction terms). Even if you can intellectually accept that, it’s very difficult to do it emotionally and work your life around that realisation. Of course you want to try to help someone you love.

That’s why I suggested counselling and/or support services for families. They’ll be able to help you to think through the situation and decide how you are going to proceed. There are no easy answers here.

So his parents are/were alcoholics. He is drinking 60/80 units a week at least - he's going to end up with health problems too. He gets aggressive to the point of shouting into your face when he's drunk.

And you love him and want to stay with him.

Please reach out to a support group - you are deep, deep in codependence. You need to accept that he won't change until he wants to - which is likely to be never - and that you are powerless to do anything to change him.

He's an alcoholic - functioning, but that won't last. Find out about alcoholism and co-dependence, get help, then help the only person you can - you.

Good luck and very best wishes from one who's been there, done that and has been a widow for almost 2 years.

I'm so upset for you. A close friend is going through something very similar. He has got so bad he has started lying about how much he is drinking and hiding the evidence.

He, like your DP refused to admit he has a problem and turned really nasty on my friend....basically accusing her of controlling him. Fast forward a turbulent 6 months... he has admitted he has got a problem and is currently on a waiting list for help (but is continuing to drink during this time...using bad access to services as an excuse).

I dont really know what to suggest. I get that its not as easy as 'ending the relationship' but something needs to happen for him to realise just how bad it is getting for you and himself.

Thank you for your replies!

I am also just devastated as I thought the next step for us was to have children. But I feel like that is an impossibility at the moment as I cannot imagine being able to rely on him enough to raise a child with him. I don’t want my life to just halt here whilst I wait for him to have some realisation but I do genuinely love him and cannot imagine being with anyone else. But I must remember how his drinking is affecting me.

I’m currently staying out of the house since the incident last week and haven’t been back.

His parents are alcoholics and alcoholism too can be learnt behaviour.

Please do not bring children into this relationship, it’s bad enough that you are already in it. Ultimately you can only save your own self here by not going back to him at all now. This relationship is really at an end because his primary relationship is with drink and not you. It’s never been with you either.

What do you get out of this relationship now other than perhaps getting your own codependent needs met. Do read about codependency, the book called “codependent no more” by Melodie Beattie is good and worth reading. Also al-anon are worth contacting.

You can be with someone else’s, being with this man stops you from meeting another man who is not an alcoholic nor has alcoholics for parents. Those people too would not make out to be good grandparent figures to any child.

Honestly love, leave.
I'm you 5 years down the line. 2 kids, such entangled lives.
We have reached "crisis point" so Mnay times, he's promised to cut down, it's crept back up.
It's reached the stage where I don't want to go to dinner / social events with him as it'll just turn into a binge.
I've become controlling and upright, and I can never let my hair down or relax.
As soon as lock down is over I'm off, but it's so much harder with 2 kids in tow.
Leave now and give yourself the chance to meet someone who has a grown up relationship with alcohol, you deserve it.

@puddlejuice

Oh Puddlejuice I am so sorry to hear this. Were you the same as me? I feel like I love him so much that I’m just trying to make excuses. I haven’t been at the house since last Monday and I feel like the less I see him the more I’m forgetting what it’s like.

What I’m also struggling with is that his friends drink so it encourages him. But my point to him is that even though they are drinking doesn’t mean he has to and they maybe aren’t getting as drunk as he is. I doubt their partners are putting up with it like I have been.

Honestly you'll end up normalising it, his mates are probably the same as him so he's convinced it's normal, his reference points are all off, yours will be soon too.

In the early days I'd think it would change once we had children, it doesn't, and the children become solely your responsibility after 6pm as he's drinking.

Now he's shown you who he is it'll get even worse, now the cats out of the bag.

You don't say how old you are, but if you're clock is ticking then you'll be talking yourself into thinking having a family with him will be fine, it really won't.

@puddlejuice

We are both 27

Oh flipping heck, so young! Leave, as soon as lock down is over.
You can rent a place, date again, have fun, you've years to meet someone else. Honestly, mine isn't violent when drunk and I still regret meeting him, your life will quickly spiral into violence, you'll sit there waiting for the first ring pull to go and know you're in for an evening of torment and possibly worse.

@puddlejuice

I feel like you know EXACTLY what I’m talking about. That first ring pull makes me cringe because I know I’m in for a long night. He wants to stay up all night when he’s drinking. I feel like the more I beg and plead for him to stop or to go to bed the more he drinks. If you don’t mind me asking, how often does your partner drink?

He can’t blame his mates at the moment as he’s drinking in your home during the lockdown.

What has he said about it since you left?