My partner is a binge drinker

[Kreader]

Hi,

I’m just wondering if anyone can offer and advice or if anyone else has dealt with this before.

My partner and I have been together 5 years and have recently bought a house. But since moving in the fact that he is a binge drinker has become apparent. He drinks possibly 3/4 times a week and on those occasions he is drinking heavily (8/9 pints) and he isn’t a good drinker so is very obviously drunk. This is affecting my home life and is making it very difficult for me. I’m on the brink of tears most days because the anxiety of wondering whether he will have a drink that day is just too much. I know my night is over as soon as he starts drinking.

I have spoken to him seriously about 4 times about how I feel and the fact that it is destroying our relationship. He doesn’t think he has a problem as he doesn’t drink every night. His mother is an ex alcoholic with now serious health issues as a result and his dad is a current alcoholic (they are both separated).

I truly love my partner, when he isn’t drinking he is such an excellent and loving man. We don’t argue about anything else other than this.

Has anyone got any advice of how we could move forward? I do want to stay with him but I know I can’t go on like this.

We go through phases, sometimes he'd drink every night, but not to excess. Its more in check now due to me crying and nagging for 5 years, but its fucking exhausting being the alcohol police.

On holiday he'd love to drink from 11am to pass out every daythe children do keep him online a bit, but he'll still drink if left alone with them, have 2 pints before driving with them in the car etc.

I've led a life of it ebbing and flowing for years, and I now actively dislike him. He still can't understand that everything is not fine, and thinks we should be having sex etc, truth is he's carrying 4 stone from all the drink, and repulse me.

We've only managed this long as he's away on business so much, so I don't have to see him Mon - Fri, but when he's home it's crushing.

I'm mid 30s, I've a friend who is mid 50s whose husband is the same, she always tells me it'll get worse not better, they don't learn / mellow ith age I'm afraid.

@Kreader I'm proud that you've managed to leave and haven't been back to the house. I've just come out the other side of all of this with my partner, however he was never violent. He was drinking over a litre of vodka a day but he knew he had a problem and wanted to get help, he finally got sober a few months before our daughter was born and is now running his own successful business and is amazing with me and our DD. Unfortunately this won't happen for everyone. In regards to your partners friends they may encourage him but he's the one that chooses to take that drink.

@puddlejuice

I know exactly what you mean, it is certainly no fun being the alcohol police.

My partner is in the emergency services and so won’t drink before work or in between shifts and by doing that he thinks he doesn’t have a problem, when in fact it encourages his binge drinking because when he drinks it’s in excess.

People have suggested speaking to al anon which I had stumbled across prior to posting on here. Have you ever spoken to them?

@anonymum95

Thank you! It’s been so hard for me and sad not to go back because truthfully I do miss him but I have to remember what happened and how it felt. I’m exhausted and drained.

I’m currently having a promotion at work which should be such a great time and provide me with security however, I still cannot get my mind off what’s going on at home.

Shift work is hideous for a drinker, suddenly Tuesday morning becomes their Saturday night so they've the perfect excuse to get bladdered.
I've never been to Al Anon as I always thought everyo9there would have it worse than me, and further normalise his behaviour, which I now see is ridiculous. I was about to go before lock down, but no chance now.
I've decided to move out, and leave him to it. I'm worried about potentially having to send my children to him every other weekend, but such is the life of a split family : don't let this become you lovely, honestly

I just had a quick Google and came up with this link for you (and anyone else affected)
alcoholchange.org.uk/alcohol-facts/fact-sheets/a-guide-to-family-support-services

Most support groups already had an online presence before lockdown and will have increased that, so you and puddle should be able to get support right now. You don't need to attend in person.

I still attend a support group almost 2 years after my H died (we had been living part for 8 months and the decree nisi was approved 11 days after his death). It's still valuable, especially since my DDs were heavily affected (and are both still in therapy).

I hope you can find some online support that helps you.

@puddlejuice

That’s my worry that his behaviour wouldn’t seem as bad as everyone else and would make me feel stupid.

I had to nip to the house for some clothes the other day when he was out at work, the bin was full of cans.

You are also still young being mid thirties and I hope that you meet someone else.

My dream is to be with someone who can have a sensible drink and just enjoy their time. Even on holiday, much like you said, he wants to be bladdered.

He puts me off drinking massively, I haven’t drank with him in possibly a year.

@pointythings

Thank you very much for the link and your reply

You're very welcome. I realise that I probably came off as harsh - I meant to. I stayed for too long - almost 7 years in all. And in my life I have known only one alcoholic who has got sober and stayed sober and that is my sister's DP. He's 10 years sober and works at it every single day.

My H's alcoholism manifested when he was in his 50s, I was early 40s with two DDs. You're still young, you have every chance to meet someone who will give you the life you want. Grieve for this man who was not that person and when you are recovered, go out there and get yourself a good man.

It doesn’t matter if his drinking is worse than anyone else’s though, @Kreader. It’s causing you and your relationship problems. The fact that someone else’s partner could be worse doesn’t change that or make your feelings frivolous.

FWIW, my experience is that even ‘dry’ some alcoholics just don’t improve. My dad is an alcoholic. He went to A.A. and stopped drinking when I was in primary school. But he didn’t stop being obsessive and damaging and just transferred aspects of his addictive behavior to other aspects of life. Then, when I was a teenager he decided that he was recovered enough to start drinking again. 🙄

I decided that I had to cut contact after I had my son. Actually it was an incident where he picked us up to take us out for lunch somewhere that made my mind up. He took us for a pub lunch out in the countryside and drank with his meal. And then wanted to drive us back home. (His attitude and behaviour were not great). I decided that I couldn’t put DS through all the shit I’ve been through as a result of my dad’s alcoholism. And I haven’t seen him since.

Obviously you need to make your own mind up about your own relationship. I do hope you’re ok. It’s a truly awful situation to find yourself in.

Please don’t have children with him. Please. It is no fun being the child of an alcoholic.

Please don't have children with him OP, you would be setting yourself up for a life of managing the family around his behaviour.

You're young and obviously a lovely intelligent person - you deserve more than wasting years trying to help someone who doesn't think they need help.

Don't be a victim of sunk cost fallacy.