Don’t seem able to have any sort of ‘dispute’ conversation with DH

[GreyishDays]

Warning. This comes across as SO petty, but I am just sick of this sort of thing happening again and again. I appreciate that most responses will be telling me, quite rightly, to get a life.

As soon as there is any sort of conflict, DH and I do not seem to be able to communicate. Tiny example from just now.
DH knocks a tray of cakes upside down right by me. I jump and say ‘oh my god’ in a startled way. DH squawks (I think) too. DH then says ‘it’s only cakes’ in a shitty way to me, implying I’m making a fuss about nothing. I say ‘you yelped too’. He says he didn’t.
Couple of minutes later I ask DD if she heard who said what, she only heard me. DH walks in and I say ‘who knows then’ amicably.
DH then said, ‘well you had a go at me for over-reacting’. ‘What?’ I say.
Anyway DHs point, when I said ‘you made a squawk too’ is that I was telling him he was over reacting. Whereas I think I was trying to say that he couldn’t have a go at me because he had done the same thing. So then in left trying to explain that, which is just painful over such a tiny thing. But I don’t want him to think I was having a go when I wasn’t.

I don’t know what we’re doing wrong. Anyone bored and care to tell me how to handle this better?

First world problems
Honestly, I'd let it go. There's much bigger things going on in the world right now

The tray of cakes example does come across as petty. But you did say that this was just an example of an ongoing, deeper issue. Has it been exacerbated by this lockdown?

Please don't drag your daughter into disagreements between her parents, it's so unnecessary and inappropriate, and puts her in a really uncomfortable position.

Only in that we’re both around more.

I struggle to understand his lack of logic generally actually. Even our children will point out that what he’s saying doesn’t make sense. I end up being the parent to his child.

Both of you seem determined to drag it out as long as possible. Sounds like you dislike one other?
Maybe leave your dd out of it next time?

I know @SomeoneElseEntirelyNow I do really try not to.

She’d already witnessed the whole thing though. I didn’t wince as I asked her. Just wanted to know whether being spoken shittily had been justified.

Oh god I did wince internally as I asked her!

Don’t drag kids into your arguments it is not the right way to deal with anything and is very unfair on the DC.

Really need a pissing edit function.

You both sound like hard work, both trying to create an argument over nothing. Stop making your daughter referee your daft petty arguments

Neither one of you is listening to the other. Both of you are deciding what the other one "really" means.
You said he spoke in a shitty way, He said you were telling him off when you said he squawked.
Both of you need to listen to what is actually being said and take it from there, not what someone "really" meant.
Don't drag your daughter into this silly pettiness.

The children make disparaging comments about their dad?
Have they picked it up from you? Do you encourage it? How does their dad feel about it?

Stop dragging your Dd into the drama you would be as well to ask her do you love mummy or daddy more ? The overreacting by each of you must be exhausting are you not exhausted by it all.

Not sure as I would have handled it badly in a different way. I would have squeaked and said 'are you ok' and dh and I would have ended up making it all about making sure the other one was ok in a rather OTT sense and the cakes would probably have got left on the floor.

I'd agree this sounds so tiny there must be other examples you can't bear to describe. What do you think the common feature is?

I don’t think it’s disparaging comments as such, more confusion. So they’ll say ‘but you said that the reason we can’t do x is because of y, but there is no y right now’.

I can empathise with the 'lack of logic'! So it's not worth trying to have a logical discussion. Just don't go there. You'll drive youself crazy!

Nothing about this sounds petty or trivial.

The narrative, his narrative is that he is never at fault. You must never complain. You must never, ever react in a way that makes it seem as if he did something wrong. He is never wrong. He never does wrong.

The end.

It just sounds like you both think the other is being nasty. There must be a reason why each of you immediately thinks the other is having a go, whatever you say, or whatever noise you make. Have you lost respect for one another? If so, it's not just a communication issue.

I think you’re looking for conflict or a bit of drama where there’s none. It appears you can’t just let stuff slide. So he dropped the cupcakes, you both got a bit of a shock, move on. That said, can you offer a more realistic example? The cupcake example possibly trivialises what could be a bigger issue. It seems like you’re making a mountain out of a molehill but then, that’s to do with the context, i.e. a simple knocking over of a tray of cupcakes. If he’s squandered your savings on online Bingo, that’s a horse of a different colour! So context is everything.

I agree with Goddess.

It sounds (from that argument) that you're both defensive & keen to be 'right'.
Please be aware I have no qualifications which allow me to psychoanalyse these things!

Agree with @Goddess too. He sounds a bit like Lundy Bancrofts ‘water torturer’.

For background, I don’t tend to get upset about thinks being broken or knocked over, where he does, so he wouldn’t be worried that’s I’d be pissed off about the actual cakes.

I appreciate it’s a petty example, but that’s how it’s so wearing, because it happens all the time. It’s not the issue causing the communication that is the problem, but the actual communication.

Interesting thoughts, everyone, thank you.

I think you need to give a lot more context here.

I think you're in the wrong here - the fact you asked your daughter to prove what happened is soooooo tedious and just shitty to your kid. It's also pretty antagonising to your DH. Sorry, but don't do that. I am not saying he isn't in the wrong at all this is just one example but what you did here is the more provocative and dragging it out.