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Original poster

Child we didn’t plan for - can we survive?

49 replies

Beeperbird · 03/05/2020 23:30

Hi, I’m in a bit of a panic and I don’t want to tell anyone in the real world this, as it makes it too real and I just don’t know what to do.
We’ve got two children (3&1) through IVF, due practically nil chance of us conceiving naturally and yet I’ve just found out I’m 6 weeks pregnant. We agreed a while back we didn’t want any more children (for him, due to environmental reasons & money, for me, due to bad pregnancies and labours that required counselling afterwards).
But here we are.
neither of us want an abortion, but truthfully neither of us want a baby!
My mind is in turmoil. There’s lots of resources online about how to make decisions etc but what I’d really like to know is has this happened to anyone where they’ve kept the baby... and did it work out ok? Are there positive stories out there? I’m so worried that it’ll build resentment between us having a baby that’s not really wanted, in the sense of planned for and goes against what we decided previously.
Please kindness even if you disagree with what I’ve said as I’m feeling hugely vulnerable right now

OP posts:
flipflopdreams · 03/05/2020 23:44

Didn’t want to read and runFlowers

I’m sorry you’ve found yourself in the situation. The only advice I can offer is to do what is best for yourself and your family, but such hard decision.

Best of luck.

Inexperiencedchick · 03/05/2020 23:54

Hi OP

Congratulations 🌹
You are lucky if you look at it from a different prospective.

My parents had 3 kids, and weren’t planning. Mum got pregnant at 39 when the youngest was 12 years old. Dad was against having another child saying we wouldn’t manage financially, mum decided to go ahead as she wanted a girl, while not knowing the gender.
30 years on, and the girl is a successful young woman.
I wish you all the best, whatever you decide.
Congratulations 🌸🎈🦋

SusieOwl4 · 03/05/2020 23:58

Really sorry you are in this position, but this is such a personal decision that only you can make . Lots of people have strong feelings about abortion, but that should not really affect what is right for you .

Flamingnora123 · 04/05/2020 00:05

You should absolutely make whatever decision you feel is best for you. But yes, we had a totally unplanned and unexpected 3rd. We didn't have enough money or space, but honestly I was happy about it. My husband absolutely wanted to stop at 2 though, and I'd agreed to this. Anyway, number 3 is 9 months old and has been an absolute blessing, it feels completely right now that he's here. The other 2 adore him and as for the space/money issues, they've really been non issues - we've got more than probably 90% of the world's population and it's really not vital for kids to all have their own bedroom.

Viviennemary · 04/05/2020 00:08

Not planned for or expected doesn't have to be unwanted. In the end you must do what you think is best. In your case I'd think it was a blessing.

Womanlywiles · 04/05/2020 00:11

We had a third and he was born when our dds were 5 and 3. He is now 13 and 6ft. We can't imagine a life without him, our family would be completely different. When I feel pregnant with him our 2 year old had just recovered from cancer so it was a stressful time and yet it's always been great and he is very close to the sister above him who is 16. Can't imagine not having my son!

scrambledtofu · 04/05/2020 01:55

Hello. Firstly this is such a personal decision.
When I discovered I was pregnant with DC4, I sobbed for about 4 months. We had also struggled with infertility, and never imagined we would have a surprise or 4DC!
I genuinely didn't know if I could go ahead with the pregnancy.

As well, a close relative was having their fourth round of IVF.

It was a total head fuck, but we went ahead, DC4 is now 7 and amazing.
I'm tired, we are skint but we are so in love.

Equally, I know ladies who did not proceed with their pregnancy. It's a mix of feelings about it, some are ok, others less so.

You know deep down if you want to proceed.

Good luck with your decision.

ChandlerIsTheBestFriend · 04/05/2020 02:16

What are the reasons neither of you want an abortion? Is it religious or just a feeling of guilt surrounding it?

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/05/2020 02:21

I do think the important question is why you don't want an abortion.

Original poster
Beeperbird · 04/05/2020 06:25

Thankyou for your kind replies.
The reason our guts say no abortion is because it just feels completely the opposite to the challenges we have faced so
far - we spent nearly 8 years desperate to get pregnant naturally and found out we couldn’t, then scrimped and saved everything for the IVF rounds which resulted in our two boys.
It maybe doesn’t sound logical (I don’t feel very logical at the mo) but I think that is it.

It makes me feel a bit better to hear some positive stories, Thankyou

OP posts:
SpillTheTeaa · 04/05/2020 08:01

Not planned for or expected doesn't have to be unwanted. In the end you must do what you think is best. In your case I'd think it was a blessing.

This.

TheVanguardSix · 04/05/2020 08:17

This is so, so tough.
I guess the big question is, how are you coping so far with your two beloved boys? How do you find parenthood? Are you worried about your mental health?

With IVF, there's been an element of planning involved (fuelled by great hope). It's something you've had a say in. Maybe you're so used to all the planning that has come with conceiving your 2 sons and this bolt-out-of-the-blue pregnancy has thrown you for a loop. Maybe too, IVF was so all-consuming that the idea of such a sudden pregnancy is just a bit overwhelming. You may just need time to absorb this news.
What was it like having your other two? It sounds as if it was all a bit traumatic. Do you want to talk about it?

PleaseBaby · 04/05/2020 08:22

I had an unplanned baby (not my first) 7 weeks ago. I was quite shocked and bothered to be pregnant, but couldn't bring myself to have an abortion. It was an awful pregnancy and I felt quite ripped off to struggle through a pregnancy just to have a child I didn't want.

Baby is now 7 weeks old and I bonded with him immediately, and love him beyond all measure. It still isn't what I planned, but I'm so pleased he's here.

Tryalittletenderness · 04/05/2020 09:28

I was shocked to find myself pregnant with my 3rd. Going from 2 to 3 was absolutely fine. He’s 13 now. Has brought so much joy & happiness!

Reluctantbettlynch · 04/05/2020 09:33

Don't forget you have most of what you need for baby already from your older two. Less expense with this one.
If you ignore the financial aspect do you have other concerns about 3 children rather than 2?

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 04/05/2020 09:43

We were quite sure we could only afford one. I was the breadwinner but we both had to work fulltime to pay the bills and we thought we wouldn't make the mortgage with two lots of child minder fees.

Then I discovered I was pregnant. Contraceptive failure. We were horrified. DH went to bed for two days. But I knew I couldn't have an abortion. It would have been different before I was a mother but I couldn't do it when I knew how precious DC1 was.

I was terrified I wouldn't love my second baby as much. But my mum said babies bring their own love with them and she was right.

DS2 is now 24 and the light of my life. I'm so grateful for him.

myangelalex · 04/05/2020 09:47

In your current circumstances, I'd say keep this baby. It's like a little gift of fate. You both love your other children and are happy as a couple. This third child will be loved and cared for I'm sure. The regret you would feel would be far worse than the other considerations. If your obstetrician advises is not ideal for you then the decision is made for you.

I'm the first to say terminate if the situation would be worsened by having a child, and this is the first time I've actually said to keep a baby!

Pol16 · 04/05/2020 10:10

I’m sorry that you had such awful labours that you needed counselling afterwards. I can imagine that you feel a little frightened about the thought of having to go through it all again. However, now you are pregnant, I sense that you are finding it hard to think about aborting because you actually want to keep this baby; hence the need to ask for reassuring positive stories from those who’ve had similar experiences. If you want to keep this baby and you are already bonding and feeling love for the little person growing inside you then go ahead with the pregnancy. I feel that this is the case. I am NOT against abortion btw, but do know the heartache that can come from having one for the wrong reasons.

Fortyquinn · 04/05/2020 10:17

Similar situation op, 2 children after IVF. Number 3, well happened. I didn't want to go through another pregnancy ever again, also needed counselling after a very traumatic delivery. I struggled with pregnancy no3. I was very depressed. I did consider an abortion, but for the reasons you mentioned I couldn't do it. My no3 is 5 now and the absolutel joy of my life. I couldn't imagine our family without him. Good luck op

fairislecable · 04/05/2020 12:03

My third pregnancy was due to contraceptive failure I was horrified and really wanted a termination but I was 14 weeks and my DH was totally against abortion.

I continued with the pregnancy feeling very depressed as I really didn’t want this child.

However at a 20 week scan I was then told it was twins!

This changed my mindset entirely, it wasn’t a choice and it was fate.

It was hard and financially difficult but so so worth it. It’s not what you had on your life plan but sometimes the curveball gives you more.

NoMoreDickheads · 04/05/2020 12:18

I’m so worried that it’ll build resentment between us having a baby that’s not really wanted, in the sense of planned for

I'd say it's a bonus if you wanted children at all. It's a blessed surprise and you could roll with it.

But it depends how you feel about it. xxx

Original poster
Beeperbird · 04/05/2020 13:04

Thanks for the replies.
We are coping ok with the boys, it’s really tough sometimes but the joy they bring is just beyond measure.
Financially yes it’s a worry but we could make it work. I’ve already sold most of our baby stuff but the second hand market is pretty good around here.
My mental health isn’t always the best, I’ve suffered with anxiety, depression & OCD, but I’m fairly under control at the mo.
I still struggle to talk about my last birth so yes that worries me hugely.... i was so glad I wouldn’t have to do that again, now the panic is starting to build a bit.
Thanks so much for the stories about your unplanned / unexpected babies - it really does bring me some hope, I appreciate it x

OP posts:
GingerBeverage · 04/05/2020 13:23

Hi OP, look at it this way, you know how to plan for your mental wellbeing now. You know how to plan for the labour. You can take control of this experience a lot better because you've lived through the previous 2 and made it. You're stronger than ever before.

Alittlewornout · 04/05/2020 13:27

@Beeperbird if you decide to continue with the pregnancy my advice would be to ask your midwife to refer you to your local perinatal mental health service, they will offer you invaluable support Did you have a debrief with your consultant after your last delivery?? If not again that can be arranged via your midwife. The consultant would also discuss your birthing options for this time, for example an elective c-section if that would help with your anxiety. The key is that you feel in control this time round. Your head must be all over the place at the moment, take care and remember support is out there.

Musti · 04/05/2020 13:34

When I got pregnant with my 4th I was in a bad place in my relationship and for the first time in my life, seriously considered a termination. He's 9 now and I couldn't imagine life without my little ray of sunshine. Going from 2-3 and 3-4 doesn't really make much difference either.

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