Child we didn’t plan for - can we survive?

[Beeperbird]

Hi, I’m in a bit of a panic and I don’t want to tell anyone in the real world this, as it makes it too real and I just don’t know what to do.
We’ve got two children (3&1) through IVF, due practically nil chance of us conceiving naturally and yet I’ve just found out I’m 6 weeks pregnant. We agreed a while back we didn’t want any more children (for him, due to environmental reasons & money, for me, due to bad pregnancies and labours that required counselling afterwards).
But here we are.
neither of us want an abortion, but truthfully neither of us want a baby!
My mind is in turmoil. There’s lots of resources online about how to make decisions etc but what I’d really like to know is has this happened to anyone where they’ve kept the baby... and did it work out ok? Are there positive stories out there? I’m so worried that it’ll build resentment between us having a baby that’s not really wanted, in the sense of planned for and goes against what we decided previously.
Please kindness even if you disagree with what I’ve said as I’m feeling hugely vulnerable right now

Although I must add that I had no complications and no issues with any of them.

I would abort OP. You don't owe the world or any type of 'fate' anytbkng just because you have fallen pregnant but previously had a rough time fertility wise.

You have your family that you wanted. This pregnant isn't a part of that by the sounds of it. Have an abortion if you don't want another baby. Sounds like the only thing holding you back is guilt because you had trouble before.

You are no less amazing and strong for terminating. You didn't plan this. You don't have to have another baby

I suffered PTSD after my first delivery. I had counselling and opted for a planned CS with the second. That was a massive help to me.

Do you want another child in your family? If you do then I think the concerns you have about the pregnancy and birth can be managed with counselling, good medical care, maybe an ELCS (assuming there’s no medical reason why you shouldn’t have another child). But that’s irrelevant if you don’t want someone else in your family long term. Just because you didn’t plan this baby doesn’t mean you can’t keep it. But you also don’t have to keep it just because you had IVF in the past.

If I were you I probably would keep it. I say that as someone who has had an abortion with no regrets, and also recurrent miscarriage so I know what it is to struggle with fertility. But it’s such a personal decision.

Our 3rd DD was a surprise due to a contraceptive failure ( a contraceptive which had worked perfectly for the 10 years since DD2's birth). There is 10 years & 1 week between DD2 & DD3 and almost 13 years between DD1 & DD3. Although it is not at all what we planned we also knew that we couldn't go through with an abortion. DD3 is now 19mths and is adored by her big sisters and the family as a whole. As a Mum I feel very blessed to have the chance to be Mum to another little one. My husband summed it up beautifully - DD3 is the piece of our family jigsaw that we didn't know was missing. Obviously this is only my own experience and my advice to you would be only you can decide what to do xx

I'd just want to give a different perspective than most: my DB and SIL had a contraceptive failure which resulted in their third child. Although they both very much love the child, the stress and dynamic of another child has put their marriage at risk. They are not coping with the demands of 3 children and they might split up. I sincerely hope that they work it out, they are trying with councelling but there is a lot to work through.

The child is loved though, no question about that, but it's the situation that they hate.

I don’t think you should continue a pregnancy just because it was so difficult to have DC 1 and DC 2. You don’t owe it to fate or anything like that.

I have 3 kids (always wanted 3) but if I fell pregnant now I would have a termination. A 4th child would be too great a strain on us in all ways.

Hello. Im im this situation now, what did you do? Did it all work out?

I got pregnant on the mirena coil, which I had because it was apparently even safer than sterilisation! My previous pregnancies had been vile and we'd decided to stop at 2. I didn't find out until I was about 10 weeks and started to have the really bad symptoms I'd had before (kidney problems including stones).

We couldn't abort, it just was never going to happen. I was in hospital 17 times in 18 months with kidney issues during and after pregnancy. Our other 2 children were still very young, dd1 was 3y9m and ds 22 months when dd2 was born. We lived very remotely at the time and I was airlifted to a bigger hospital at 36 weeks, and induced at 36+6.

Dd2 is now 18. She's been an utter delight of a child. She's in her second year at college training to be a beauty therapist and is devoted to her rabbits and dog. She's completed our family in a way we didn't know we needed. She's now looking to move into a flat with her friends and I'm going to miss her horribly. But it's the right time!

I wish you all, all the best, and hope your no3 is as grea5 as ours is!

@weegiemum

What a lovely post

I'm currently nursing my coil baby, after a difficult 2 years she has definitely made us realize how much we just need each other.

Sending you love OP. When you are sending them off into the big wide world all of this will be just a distant memory.

If you're worried about the birth maybe consider an elective section if labour is likely to trigger you.

Ah shit, zombie thread.

I had what I thought was perfect family DH, me and DD 10 and DS 8, and then I found I was in pregnant. I was still having my periods so did not realise until 16 weeks. I got morning sickness and was tired and after several days of this jokingly said last time I felt like this I was 🤰. After another week of it I picked up pregnancy test. I still thought it would be negative. I was shocked and stunned when it was positive. I agonised over decision of whether to go ahead and have baby or not. Went to see midwife and due to bleeding, thinking it was my period, not sure of dates. Sent for scan and by that time 18 weeks. We went ahead and had baby son. He is 27 now and such a lovely son. He is thoughtful, happy, caring and considerate and I am so thankful we went through with pregnancy. He has brought great happiness to our family. Despite age gaps he is close to his brother. Gets on well with sister too. I have never for one single day regretted having him.

My parents where told they’d never have kids-my grandad read both palms and said-‘you’ll have 4-last two will be twins’
they laughed at the thought-they’d been told they had zero chance of a baby
ivf wasn’t around in those days so they tried and tried-7 years and 3 stillbirths later they bought a dog
she caught on with me,then my brother-so thought life was complete
dad was booked in for the snip-before he could go to the appointment my mother was sat in our school canteen when she saw her belly move
’either im pregnant,or I have something very wrong with me’
6 months pregnant-with twins
they had 3 months to get everything together-their minds,two of everything,the lot
she had them and dad was having the snip within the week

both said that they where meant to have 4 but 4 was more than enough!

oh and they didn’t laugh anymore at my grandad

only you can decide if you can do this pregnancy-whatever you decide will be the right choice for you

Different viewpoint, me and my twin were unwanted and a surprise.

My mother kept us to a great cost of her relationship,
life, and resources. While we are thankful, I’d not wish it on anyone.

I would still be in favor of you exploring all your options. This will not only impact you, it will not only impact your relationship, it will impact the children you’ve already brought into this world.

I know it’s hard but you must think deeply about what you have a
ready fought to have, and the burden of what may come. Some make their bed and they thrive in it, others decide to control their choice of bedding and might (no guarantee) be better off for it.

Hello OP. Not the same situation but I found myself PG with no.3 late last year. We decided that, for us, as a family, we couldn't go ahead. We knew we would struggle financially and I know people say money isn't everything, if you don't have enough for basic needs and minimal pleasure, it is very challenging. We went back for fourth lots but decided to have an abortion. This was, unequivocally, the best choice for us as a family. I would be due in July and, despite a few pangs of 'what if?' I KNOW we would be in a very different situation if I was heavily pregnant right now. I don't feel any guilt or regret, We made this choice for my family.

Neither of my fabulous DDs were planned. Turns out I ovulate at the end of my period.
Marriage did t last.

They are now 16&17. Honestly best thing ever. BUT if I got pregnant now it would be earth shatteringly not good so I understand where you might be.

I went through the same emotions, I didn't want an abortion or a child when I found out (I'm 39) I have two teenage kids. He had 2 little ones 8 and 5. It came down to what would I regret 'more'. I decided that I had my eldest when I was 18 and I coped fine, I'd cope better at 39 even.

One of the reasons I wasn't sure was I thong would my partner and I survive a baby and 4 children between us. To be honest, no we haven't and he left a few weeks ago. But I've thought if we couldn't survive a baby, I really don't think we'd have survived an abortion either. So I'm happy that at least this way, something wonderful has come from it. (No judgement if you go down the abortion route - 100% Pro choice here).

I'm sorry you've got this dilemma it's so difficult, you'll decide what's right for you in the end x

@Seamstressafter30

Ah shit, zombie thread.

I am getting these Zombie threads too - a complete PITA at the mo!

It's your decision, but you will survive if you choose to go ahead (and environmental reasons is all well and good in theory but come on, it's hardly going to burn the earth down or save it)

DH was adament that 2 was enough, I became unexpectedly pregnant with number 3 which we were shocked and worried about how we were going to manage financially, practically etc. I had a late miscarriage which absolutely devastated me, I reacted really badly and felt bereft.
So a decision was made and DH reluctantly agreed we will go for a third. Only number 3 turned our to be twins, DH went into, what can only be described as a cross depressive state, lots of sighing, lots of "what are we going to do, how are we going to cope?" It was almost as if he blamed me for the fact there was two! I didn't dare say I was tired, not feeling up to much, and it was a pregnancy full of problems.
The day he held those two boys for the first time he changed completely and he bonded with them far more than I did.
Op you have become pregnant against the odds, is it fate telling you something?
As you know a baby is very precious, I am assuming concieved in a loving relationship, it is entirely your choice, but as you can see from the stories of PP's a third child is not necessarily a disaster.
Go with your heart on this one

THIS THREAD IS 2 YEARS OLD. a few posters have mentioned it and still people are posting advice.

Having another child makes a huge difference to parents who both work full time and have to pay childcare and also for those who don't have enough space and have to remortgage/rent bigger house. I don't know OP's personal situation but people are not affected by having another child in the same way, it really depends on circumstances.