Strain on a relationship of having an ASD / ADHD child

[thecranford]

Just needed somewhere to vent anonymously. It's so bloody hard. 90% of arguments come from disagreements stemming from DC's behaviour and/or how to handle it.

I'm very much a "pick your battles" person and possibly too lax. DP can't tolerate any level of rudeness, backchat etc and gets drawn into arguments with DC constantly. I tend to leave DC to calm down and wait for an apology. I know DC is impulsive, it's part and parcel. Seriously considering living apart but staying together until DC is older, it's just so wearing.

I have had similar issues with my DP in the past with our DD - except he is the more ‘lax’ disciplinarian. It works best if we discuss how we will both deal with the behaviour - and sing from the same song sheet. Is your DP up for that sort of discussion? DD knows how to play us off against each other when we give different signals. @thecranford

We do talk about it, lots. We just don't seem to be able to come to an agreement on some things (mostly backchat and which battles to pick). On other things, we 100% agree with each other when things are calm and then DP will be sucked into an argument in the heat of the moment.

I have to sit there and repeat to DP "just ignore the behaviour, they can't argue with themselves" over and over when things are escalating. But DP seems to revert to a child himself and tries to have the last word or make a sarcastic comment to DC, who then escalates things further and so on. Obviously DC is a child with ADHD so I can excuse his behaviour but not DP's! Exhausting.

PS thanks for replying @Corruptedtongue

It is difficult. It strikes me though that that as adhd is hereditary, it is somewhere in the genes, but of course was not diagnosed until recently. So few adults know they have it. My DS has ADHD and now we think that his dad probably does as well. This made it very difficult as things that I thought were unusual, his dad found to be normal! Also his dad was very likely to fly off the handle and be impulsive. I didn’t realise this at the time; maybe one of the reasons we split. Maybe if we’d both understood this then we might have been able to get on better. We have split up but get on much better now.

I'm with you. You need to decide which hill. If any, to die on, or else you'll all burn out, particularly if your child is going through an impulsive phase.

Even though it's potentially unfair to your dc, sometimes you need to remind your not so D P that if he does that, he has to pick up the pieces. Then walk away for just long enough to have a told you so moment and enquire about whether he really did wish harm upon his child on top of frustration for himself.

Is he fully understanding of DC conditions or is he in denial regarding the diagnosis?

@Lightofthephoenix has a good point there, OP - is DP your DC's biological father or a step-parent?

Lockdown isn’t helping one bit!

Yes, what I came on to say! ADHD is highly genetic - there is an over 70% likelihood one of you has it. (In DS1's case, it's me, but I do wonder about his dad as well since he can be extremely reactive and impulsive).

Secondly, I don't think the conflict avoidant parenting style works well for ADHD. I totally get where you're coming from because this is my default as well. But it is actually important for children with ADHD to have clear and consistent boundaries, possibly more so than for neurotypical children. They won't automatically navigate and work out where the rules are like an NT child would. I don't know much about ASD, but I think the same is likely to be true. On the other hand, the overly authoritative, do as I say right now kind of parenting that objects to "backchat" is also unhelpful, because this also relies on a set of universal assumptions that the ADHD child is unlikely to be able to meet, and an ASD child will often fail to pick up on at all.

Have a look at Janet Lansbury - she has some really good stuff about how to set clear boundaries in a way that isn't dominating and controlling, but is still clear. She explains some of the problems with common "gentle parenting" type advice in here as well which I think if you're conflict avoidant you tend to be drawn to (I know I am) but it doesn't help because the advice is all about how to avoid the issue of the boundary rather than just addressing it in a fair and calm way.

Another issue that tends to occur when you have one parent who leans towards authority and one who leans towards avoidance is that the authoritative one fears that the other parent is "too soft" or lets too many things go and therefore as a reaction they are even harder on DC. And meanwhile the avoidant parent fears that the other parent is too harsh and will crush DC's spirit and so in response tends towards being even more lenient and understanding hoping to cancel out the effects of the other. You will not get to a healthy place like this both pulling against each other. You can work better together if you work on how to enforce boundaries in a way you're comfortable with and if he works on empathy and seeing the situation from DS' perspective before he starts. Which might include investigating ADHD for himself.

I'd recommend to you: Janet Lansbury's podcasts and Facebook page.

I'd recommend to him: the book Smart but Scattered. There's an executive function checklist in there for all ages of children from 4-14 and one for adults. The adult one should immediately flag up if there are issues of potential ADHD.

For both of you, something like the whole brain child or no drama discipline would be good, if you can read something like that through together. It should appeal to both of you in different ways and help you work together/lean in. You obviously have things that you respect about each other; try to find that in parenting and find your common ground, then learn from each other and see where you go with it.

Meant to add this link, sorry www.janetlansbury.com/2014/03/parents-struggling-with-boundaries-3-common-reasons/

That’s great advice from @bertiebotts. I’m going to look through all this myself.

Has you DC school offered support through COVID? Can you see what they suggest?
@thecranford. I’m finding LOTS of exercise helps - 3 or 4 times a day, a timetable so she knows what’s coming (she finds security in that too) - and it also seems to help that it’s just my rules (while DP is working). It’s the less structured weekends that seem to be more challenging.

I also try desperately hard to see her personality as a gift, and it’s we as parents who need to help her manage it. Not as a ‘disorder’. She is utterly amazing and extraordinarily creative.

When your kids push your buttons is also good - helps you navigate the why of which parenting issues really wind you up.

We don't have ADHD but with ASD yes we are finding this situation is a real strain on our relationship. The favourite thing at the moment is to try and ground us for anything she considers to be a slight against her from you've had enough screen time today to no you can't have crisps I'm currently serving your dinner. Anytime
She hears no or not yet etc we end up with 30 odd mins of how terrible we are, how the cops are being called because we've grounded her. I'm dreading when she is older and may possibly actually make the call to the cops, cause in her mind we do deserve arresting for being to mean to her. It's exhausting!
DH is certainly triggered by her behaviour more than I am, he's also being exposed to it a lot more than normal as he isn't out of the house for 12 hour days. Home schooling isn't exactly producing a calm environment either.

Thanks for the really helpful and comprehensive advice @bertiebotts

In all fairness, lockdown is helping DC hugely - he's benefitting from the 1-1 teaching and lack of distractions - but school have been crap. No contact from Senco whatsoever. He seems much less stressed as we've not got the regular falling out with friends/feeling wronged by teachers drama which comes from school and extra curricular activities.

It's just the silly things between DC and DP.

One example from the other week. I'd just cleaned and mopped the kitchen floor. DC had dropped loads of crumbs all over the floor at lunchtime and one of his "fidgets" is that his feet are constantly moving so he was spreading crumbs everywhere.

Me: "DC please try to move your foot, you're spreading crumbs everywhere. You'll need to grab the handheld Hoover when we've finished dinner.
DC: (instant impulsive reaction) no I'm not! I didn't drop those crumbs! I'm not spreading the crumbs!

I would normally just ignore this, give him five minutes and I know he would have gone to get the hoover when he had finished, but DP wades in.

DP: yes you did! You can see it on the floor!
DC: no I didn't, it wasn't me!
DP: (louder) yes it was! Look at the floor!
Me: DP, just ignore him, he can't argue with himself.

And this escalated into an argument to the point where DP had to leave for a walk to calm down!

Your DP is clearly wrong there. Argh! What would happen if you discussed the whole situation with your DP now? Would he admit that wasn’t the best way to react? That’s great that DC would get the hoover!!

There is an extraordinary documentary called Free Solo about Alex Honnold. He talks about having undiagnosed ASD or ADHD, - you can see how he would have completely reacted against any adult restrictions placed on him as a child. My instinct as a mother would be to say - don’t do that, it’s too dangerous, that’s not what adults do etc. Yet he has achieved one of the greatest athletic achievements of all time. Might be a good way to open a conversation with DP.

My eldest DS has ADHD and exH ADD too. It was a nightmare.

My parenting style is gentle reasoning with solid boundaries, no smacking ever, and using grounding/removal of tech etc.

ExH had massive verbal outbursts as a norm, super irritable and constant inability to concentrate and very impulsive behaviour. Not a good recipe for marriage at the best of times. Add an impulsive, never thinking of the consequences, child, and I was stuck in the middle of this awful situation. I could never parent without conflict if H was there. I felt like a referee trying to prevent H from hitting DS as he felt this was appropriate as it was his upbringing. The constant arguing was just my breaking point. DS is far better now and is learning to self regulate. Something exH never learned to do because of the abuse (to me hitting children is abusive) he suffered as a child.

Some fathers (and mother's) can't accept their children have this diagnosis and do not understand how the DC thinks differently to themselves.

I learnt how best to manage my DC diagnosis by trial and error.
like you said, you knew if you ignored him he would of done what you had asked.

The shouting would of caused mine to of had a meltdown and made everything a lot worse.

There is a chart I found that explains how the brain works differently with both these conditions, I will see if I can find again.

I could’ve written your post OP! We’re exactly the same!

It puts an immense amount of stress on a relationship. Not really got any advice but just know you’re not alone in it.

It’s hard isn’t it.

functionallegacymindset.com.au/the-autism-spectrum/

It was the Person one, Two and Three Chart that explained it to my DH And give him a better idea of how our DC thinks and behaves and also I liked this one I can across this morning.

I have to sit there and repeat to DP "just ignore it, they can't argue with themselves" over and over when things are escalating

Not to nitpick, but are you sure this isn't part of the problem? You said yourself you may be particularly permissive, so if he is disciplining them for something he sees as perfectly reasonable, and you are basically there undermining him while he's doing it, I imagine it would irritate him more and make him dig his heels in. I am probably the stricter parent out of me and my DP, and if he did this it would really annoy me.

@Lightofthephoenix where is the cartoon from? Really like that.

@GreasyFryUp

just looked and here is the original