Strain on a relationship of having an ASD / ADHD child

[thecranford]

Just needed somewhere to vent anonymously. It's so bloody hard. 90% of arguments come from disagreements stemming from DC's behaviour and/or how to handle it.

I'm very much a "pick your battles" person and possibly too lax. DP can't tolerate any level of rudeness, backchat etc and gets drawn into arguments with DC constantly. I tend to leave DC to calm down and wait for an apology. I know DC is impulsive, it's part and parcel. Seriously considering living apart but staying together until DC is older, it's just so wearing.

We have this situation frequently. DH has to get the last word of 'authority' in with DS who has PDA and will rail against authority with every fibre of his being. DH thinks I'm too soft.
I'm the one reading all the books/blogs/Facebook groups and trying to apply and explain the theory.
As a result, DS will come to me more readily, but that also makes me the 'default' parent and the one he is likely to act up for, which makes DH think my style is all wrong.
The worst bit I find is trying to intervene when DH is escalating everything, but without looking like I'm trying to undermine him, because then DS picks up on it and tries to manipulate us.

This was us for quite a while. One this that helped was reading the Explosive Child. It helped DP understand how our DS functioned and how our individual relationship with him worked (or didn't). It helped DP to prioritise the battles whilst for me it made be more forgiving and understand DS not being able to do things rather that not wanting to.

Another thing that helped was DP having counselling which had seen him become calmer, less negative and more understanding. He's a good advocate for DS now.

@BertieBotts I've not come across Janet Lansbury. Thanks for the link.

@wejammin the undermining thing was a real sore point for my DP too but I couldn't stand by and see him react in such a negative way.

Don't have any advice myself but following this thread for its great advice. I've just separated from my DH and suspect my DS has undiagnosed ASD.

We’ve created a very flawed adult world - with lots of social restrictions and expectations that are increasingly wrong and outdated. If a child wants to rebel against the world we have created - are they wrong - or are we? I’d say well done for creating a child who questions the importance of ‘crumbs on the floor’.

@thecranford

I Have a child with autism and a child with adhd.
My boyfriend Says he can’t cope with them so he has nothing to do with them .

I needed this thread. This is exactly my life right now with my newly diagnosed aspie. He misbehaves most for DH but I think that’s a mixture of struggling with DH being here but not available as he’s working from home, and DH’s tendency to go ballistic which is hugely rewarding. I’m the one reading the books, trying to understand our child, working out how to get the best from him, but according to DH my lax parenting is the cause of all DS1’s issues (I’m not lax, I have firm boundaries, currently having reasonable success with 123 Magic). DH can not accept/cope with DS1 strong need for physical contact and the fact that he would happily sit on my knee for hours, sucking his thumb, or the fact that his favourite place is stripped down to his pants under the soft chenille blanket on the sofa. He’s only 5, and he’s devastated about school.

I would like some help to stop the hitting though. Anger management for DS is something I’m struggling with

A child that challenges adult expectations - or a child that complies?

Thank fuck for any child that rebels. Let’s not destroy their mental health.